I Feel Alone And Lonely

[Maylissa]

I have to be above-board with a new topic, while I take a break from my currently heavy workload, with something that's been really bothering me of late. I just HAD to write about it here, as I've been feeling SO bad lately.

One thing I've always liked about the Grief Healing group as a whole is seeing how quite a number of members are still here, or still checking in once in awhile, after a year (and often much longer) has passed since their loved one's death. It helps me feel more normal to hear others are still struggling, sometimes mightily, with their sorrow, even after all that time. I know we're almost a 'special breed', those of us who find and use grief boards and I've often wondered if we're just the more sensitive ones in any cross-section of society...no way to know for certain, though.

However, in this and other Pet Loss forums, I feel like an alien because it seems to be a rare occurrence to find others who 'carry' their grief for their furbabies that long.....or maybe they just don't talk about it much anymore, despite how they really feel. I don't know what the real story is. Meanwhile, I'm approaching the 11th month of Nissa's parting, and seem to be feeling worse and worse and lonelier and lonelier, more panicked and disbelieving of the end of our physical time together all the time, so I can't even imagine not only facing that one-year date, but feeling any better whatsoever afterwards! And despite knowing everything I already know about grief and grieving, it's hard to tell myself I'm normal (and 'okay') to feel this way, when I've got precious little company in this.

I even had an email from someone I don't know very well today (took a couple of courses with her this year), who responded to my mention of having a one-year death anniversary coming up, by telling me she had the same herself this summer (for her mother) BUT that she was "really trying not to dwell on it". I felt totally shut down and dismissed. Even a fellow griever couldn't understand, OR empathize....or frankly, even give me a lousy "sorry to hear about that" about MY loss (I hadn't told her exactly WHAT my loss was, knowing better by now ), OR the upcoming milestone birthday I ALSO face this summer, mainly alone, with only my H to acknowledge it. How, I wondered, could you "not dwell on" it, when it's right around the corner, and you KNOW it's coming up no matter what you try to do to distract or fool yourself???? I understand the difference between "dwelling" and acknowledging, but it seems to me that too many people also try to HIDE from the pain that's there regardless. It strikes me as parallel to when others won't mention your loved one's name, for fear of 'bringing back up' the pain that's there no matter WHAT anyone says or doesn't say. People are doing the same thing to themselves as what others are doing to them, that they claim they don't like!

Anyway, back to my original point: Here, it's not a very well-utilized forum compared to most of the other forums on GH, so it often feels very lonely to me to begin with, much less after a few months of still being here while others have 'moved on' and don't return. So here I sit, feeling not only alone, in my feelings and w/o my precious girl by my side each day, but also very lonely, w/o anyone who wants to talk. Have we really turned into a society of avoiders at all costs, and WHY is it so much more apparent among those who've suffered the already-disenfranchised loss of furred and feathered loved ones? Or IS IT JUST ME who grieves so hard and long?????

[STARKISS]

Hi Maylissa,

I think that the amount of love you gave to your furbabies is just like real people.. I consider my dog Chelsea my baby so when she dies I will grief the amount of time I need to for her... I do not think people can say for sure how much time is too much because we treat and love our furbabies all differently and I think it is individual thing about how long you will grief for your furbaby... I know that my dog Chelsea is not dead but I feel since I do not see her anymore that she has gone away from me and I have felt that I have grieved over her in away... Take care Shelley

[Maylissa]

Thanks, Shelley. It's nice to know someone's listening.

I know it's all so individual. It's just that I seem to be the ONLY individual in this regard, here. I have one long-distance friend who's also taken/taking a long time over her own loss....but I've barely gotten to talk to her in the last few months, so that's not very helpful to me. I figure, if even SHE doesn't understand how hard this is (with us being so much alike) and doesn't reach out to me in my hour of dire need, then no one will.

Many people who really love their furbabies agree there's no difference between their loss and a human loss, and in fact many also experience it as an even harder loss than their human losses.....and yet, where are they then???

I've grown so weary of needing aid, and of giving aid when I'm still struggling myself yet can't help but empathize and sympathize with someone else's story at the same time, yet don't see much of the same coming back to me in kind....in too many areas of this existence (it's not a 'life' anymore). I don't know where to turn anymore, nor if there even is anywhere TO turn anymore. I'm just so weary, dejected and disappointed.

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

I understand, i love my fur babies as my children. my boys think of them as there siblings. Crazy, i don't think so. my mom anniversary was on 7./3 and Spanky will be 9/22, these are two dates i will never forget. i remenber every date that i lost one of my babies on. In those 3 mos 7/3-9/22/07, i lost two of my best friends. i miss them oh so much. lori

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just wanted to let people know that it was July 21 05 when I let Chelsea leave my house in Bowmanville and it has been that long since her and I have lived together... I know that she is still alive but when you are used to seeing her everyday and now I can barely see her maybe once every six months it is like she had died... I think I am going crazy.... But I just wish she could come back to me or be somewhere that I know she is out of my life forever because everyday I do not see her I make myself upset because I want her so bad... I am crazy.........Shelley

[Maylissa]

Thanks for being here, too, Lori. (for some reason, I'm also not getting the usual email notification of replies, either, and just happened to be checking these controls again when I saw your post) You've very often responded to my posts in this forum, and I appreciate your continuing presence . Not to take anything away from that, I still wish there were more posters, overall, in this Pet Loss section.

As you may remember (or not), I also had 2 losses w/i a short time of each other awhile back (mom, then brother) and I know how much extra grief this causes, so I can always empathize with those in similar situations. It's all doubly shocking when that happens and makes 'recovery' so much harder, usually.

I've been missing not only my girl, but my guy (Nissa's brother) a whole lot more again, too, even though it's now been over 7 years since he left us.....still feels like only maybe 3 years ago. But I kind of figured this might happen, since the 3 of us were such a team and now I'm the only member left on this planet (sort of like how war vets must feel as their old chums pass away, one by one).....so I feel ten times more alone than I did after we'd lost Sabin but Nissa still remained with us. There's just no furry person to turn to now who already knows and loves me so intensely inside and out, as they both did. My body is also going through terrible withdrawal, with no one here to give me daily kisses or to adamantly seek out my company and touch, or to gaze into my eyes with such passion as you usually only read about in romance novels....honestly! That was my Little Nis'!! So I can certainly relate to missing them "oh so much", as you aptly put it. No one can take away this bottomless pain for me, I know, but I just need someone to really care that it's so terrible.

I'm just so dejected, having found out that I could NEVER seemingly take even a little break from giving to others, without them deserting me the moment they would have had to give a little more instead. That's so very conditional....and SO unlike how our furbabies are!!! I just can't do it anymore, as there's so little left inside for me to draw upon, and I'm tired of getting hurt, to boot, and can't seem to stop this reaction inside myself. I miss my girl and my guy more than words could ever begin to describe....and yet not enough people will willingly put companion animal loss on an equal footing....it's a very stingy world.

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

I remenber 9 yrs ago i lost my K.K.,Molly,Bridget,Goodie and Cinnamon (all cats) in 18mos. my heart was broken. i loved them all so much. Bridget (i hate to say this) was my closest.. i had him since he was just born and he was a boy. i named him at birth and when i took him to the vet found out he was a boy. i never could change his name i felt it would confuse him. forever he was my Bridge. He use to wait for me to come home from work and meet me at the door. i miss him terribly and it has been 9 yrs. all of them died from cancer except for Goodie. he died from fiv (feline aids) he had it when we took him in and didn't know it until he had it for 10 yrs. he lived a long time with it. they were all so different and wonderful in there own way. i know have 5 kitties, they are BabyCat (my daughter girl , i only have sons so my husband and i call her our daughter), Rocky,BooBoo,Bootsie(he was my moms and i promised her to always take care of him)and Joe. i love them all. i could not imagine my life without a cat. they bring so much love into our lives. i also hate the fact that one day i will have to lose them. i dread that day. my babycat is 14 and it scares me. all my other ones died by the time they were 14. i would be lost with out her , i took her in at 6mos old as a stray. my mom loved animals so much and gave this to me. she thought animials were better then people and would do anything to help one. i wish i could thank her for showing me how important they are in our lives andhow wonderful it is to have one. oh yeah i forgot to mention i have a 8 mos old puppy Bentley. he is a crazy one.

i hope i didn't ramble on, just wanted to tell you my story. thanks for listening. Lori

[LoriS.]

Maylissa, I'm really sorry that you are feeling abandoned on so many levels regarding the loss of your cats and the lack of understanding that you are percieving from this board and from the people in your life. I know that sometimes I write a long detailed post (my mom passed away last October 22) and other times I don't feel like posting at all. It doesn't have anything to do with my lack of caring for the other people that have posted, just sometimes it's too emotional to do for me. Sometimes when I post and other people haven't responded, I have realized that it's not of lack of caring, but they are dealing with their own issues that day and simply just don't feel like responding...and I'm ok with it. Sometimes people respond right away, or the next day, or not at all. Everybody cares or they wouldn't have come to this board in the first place...they just may not show it the way you do.

I don't know really what your situation is and I hate to ask this question since I don't know you, but have you thought about rescuing another cat...or is it too soon? When we put our baby (a 4 year old Australian shepherd named Einstein) down, we went and I picked out a new 7 week old puppy 6 days later!!! This puppy belonged to the same family as Einstein was so I felt that he was still with me. His name is Charlie. He is seven now and is the love of my life. He saved me since Einstein's life was short lived.

Sorry to ramble. I'll be thinking of you. It's so hard losing a pet that is your soulmate.

Take care...Lori

[Maylissa]

Hi again Lori,

I just got an email notification of your reply......only 18 hours after you wrote it! ?????

OH MY! You've had WAY more furry losses than I, overall, and I can't even begin to imagine how awful losing 4 in 18 mons. must be! My heart definitely goes out to you. I suspect what I lacked in number of furkids, I made up for in intensity and intimacy of relationship with my two, judging from what so many others have told me. I know my shelter friend, who's of course had dozens of cats of her own (ie. never getting adopted out) hasn't developed the same kind of relationship with any of her own, simply because she's not had the luxury of time to devote to that. I could never have done what I did for Nissa had I had more than maybe one more around - it was too all-consuming. This friend has suggested to me that maybe that's why I'm so distraught (compared to her shorter-lived griefs), but I wouldn't have traded that off for anything. Of course, she's also unwisely (and unkindly) TOLD me I SHOULD "force" myself to adopt another one NOW....but there's no way I could yet, despite the emptiness. All I'd do is compare....I know myself. So I take her 'advise' with a big block of salt!

And to lose so many to cancer, too.....how horrible! Sabin developed cancer, but thankfully Nissa didn't, and I hope that was due to all the extra measures I learned about and faithfully took with her, out of total fear that she'd leave me too soon as well. I know both she and I, at different times, got treated with a homeopathic remedy for cancer, by our Dr. Don (her homeopathic vet), and maybe that averted it, too. I was nothing but a bundle of nerves under the surface from the time she was 13 (when we lost Sabin), all the way to her 16th year, when I finally stopped panicking quite so much. I'd had it in my head that I'd be lucky if she lived to at least 16, so every day beyond that arbitrary birthday, I took as an even bigger blessing. So I certainly understand your fear. We either lose them far too early, or they're in our lives for a long enough time that we can hardly recall ever being without them. Either way, it's so hard to come to grips with....and I'm nowhere NEAR being capable of that yet. I still feel like a completely lost soul. But I still say, better to have them predecease US, rather than leaving THEM behind....my one, steady comfort through all this, each time.

I would have loved your mom, too! What a kind soul. I think you're 'thanking' her simply by having and taking good care of so many who otherwise would likely be dead already if not for your big heart! What greater tribute to someone than to follow in their footsteps (or pawsteps) in some way? In my family, I'm the only one who loved animals to such a degree (or at ALL in some cases!). My Mum was actually jealous of the love I had for my kidlets, rather than celebrating it! (how sad is THAT?!) And while my dead brother had 2 cats of his own as an adult and apparently grieved quite a bit over their losses, even HE made some fun of me when I told him (just before he died) that we'd been recording a bunch of Nissa-talk so we'd have this to remember her by, whenever she left us. He laughed and said, "Oooo...kay.....I think someone's got too much time on their hands!" I was surprised he didn't understand, either, as he'd loved his own cats quite a bit, too. Since we lost our girl, I've told him (from here) that I hope he can now see WHY I loved my kids as I did, why they were so special, and to give them some good rubs and scritches for me if he sees them. I think he probably 'gets' it now, but it's too late for me to see that understanding.

But regardless of what anybody else might ever think, I'm PROUD of how much I love my kidlets, and of what I did for them. It's the single most important and honourable thing I've ever done in my life, this role I filled as a fur-mom. If I never do anything else noteworthy in my life, at least I'll always have that. But I can't help but also miss the particular ways I just WAS with my kids, unlike any other way I am otherwise. They brought me to LIFE, like no one else ever could, and love just poured out in waves. Giving became the same as receiving, there to behold and experience right inside myself. There was a certain FEEL to that that can't be duplicated by anything else. I can sometimes come somewhat close to that, but can't quite get there with people.....there's just such a natural and strong connection I have to these more innocent souls that eludes me with humans. And now I just have to 'save' that, in the hope that they'll come back someday in new bodies and we can recreate it all again. And if not, it will lie dormant until my own time to rejoin them....thank goodness I'm always one day closer to THAT.

No such thing as "rambling" here! It's GOOD to hear others' stories and I thank you for sharing all that you did, and for also being here to 'talk' to.

[DoubleJo]

Maylissa: The pain of losing your little ones is one that I think many of us can share but find it hard to express. When we connect in a special way with the ones who love us and greet us and know us perhaps better and deeper than many humans do it is terribly hard to fill that void.

I still miss my springer so very much. He was a special friend with a special personality, even though I have other dogs. He has been gone now for quite awhile, maybe 7 years. Animals have a deeper and clearer sense of things. They aren't boggled up in their minds with all sorts of trivial crap, looking for hidden motives, or having mood swings. They are purer in their being and ther expressions are always sincere and up front. They make a complicated life behave in a rational way.

Each of my pets brings me a warmth and joy that is different from each other. Even my step-cockatiels ( from my second departed husband) brings such uniquness and joy. They each have their own personalities.

I will probably never find an exact replacement for my springer, so I cherish the extra closeness and love I get from one of my other guys. They are all unique. I know I will feel horrible when my special one goes someday, and of course he will.

People have a hard time knowing what to say when your husband dies, let alone a pet. They can't handle the thought because it could happen to them. It disorders them, so they avoid the issue. They sometimes avoid the people too.

Yeah- Peoples' coldness can make missing their warmth even harder. I thank G-od He put these wonderful creatures here for us to appreciate. And we do. Doublejo

[LoriS.]

Maylissa...As I read your last post, I saw that you weren't ready to have another "fur baby", so I apologize for my last post to you regarding adopting another cat. Have you thought about volunteering? You can do as much or as little as you can or want. It might even help you...you never know. If it didn't help, you wouldn't be under any obligation to continue, but if it did help, that would be great! You have soooo much pain, yet so much love in your heart to give of yourself. Of course you would be comparing, but that's OK! I hope I haven't offended you in any way, I just want to see you moving forward. You would NOT in anyway be dismissing the love you had for your precious babies by giving your love away to others. I thought by me moving forward after my mom died that I would be disrespecting her memory by going out and doing things other than grieving for her. I have since learned that my mom would WANT me to move forward and it would not be disrespectful to her memory. I'm sure that your babies are wanting only the best for you and want to see you happy again. It takes time, but I hate seeing you so miserable when you have so much love in your heart for your babies and to possibly give to other babies in need.

Again, I apologize if I pushed any negative buttons for you, but that isn't my intention. All of us are here on these boards because we TOTALLY understand what the other is going through, whether it be from an animal or a human.

Take care and my thoughts are with you! Lori

[Maylissa]

LoriS.,

Hi, the other Lori! We were cross-posting, so I missed seeing your 1st post until after I'd added mine, then didn't have time to respond - had to shop ALL wknd. long, getting the last articles needed for our upcoming trip....glad that's done, finally.

Everybody cares or they wouldn't have come to this board in the first place...they just may not show it the way you do.

Well, I do run through each possible scenario in my mind when there are no, or very little responses, but there is, of course, no way of really knowing what the reasons are, so one ends up feeling alone regardless. And I guess that's part of my point - if no one shows it (the caring), no one knows it. I've seen this happen on many boards, and quite often others don't even give it as much time as I do before they frantically post again, asking essentially, where IS everybody?!?! So I know I'm not alone in this reaction, but it's still an emotional reaction that shakes ones up! I've been 'guilty' too, of either not even having the strength to look at boards for a time, or just not feeling up to posting....but often, if NO one answers someone w/i a few days, I'll muster up the willpower to do so, knowing how isolating it feels to be 'ignored'. So I'm aware of how the real world can work, but as they say, sometimes the "squeaky wheel" is what's needed if one needs help! Plus, I've stuck to pretty much only the Pet Loss forum since my loss because I don't want to take the chance of talking to someone who might not understand the pain of pet loss as some others do. My heart just can't take any more of that, as I've had enough of that already. So it's a self-imposed 'isolation' on this forum, for safety's sake.

I'm glad you re-read my comments (saves me more work! ), so I can just reply from there. I actually do intend to do some volunteer, energy/frequency healing work with animals (of all kinds), but likely not until after the summer, just due to other things that need doing, or things I want to do for R&R while it's warmer. I've also been pretty inundated with other cats already, with temporarily rescuing one stray (who was adopted out), and taking care of 2 others I thought were strays; I'd written about this here, a few months earlier. And currently, I have 2 neighbourhood cats who visit me quite regularly, so I get to give at least some of that love away. So I know it can help a bit, despite the sinking-stomach comparisons. In fact, I'm pondering visiting a cat (mainly) sanctuary, and maybe even an exotic bird one, that are both in the location we'll be at over holidays, to give a donation of money and healing work. I'm just trying to ponder whether this will tax me more than help me while on vacation.....hard to say, because I know I'm gonna be feeling the pain a lot anyway, and really DON'T want to be crying my eyes out every single day...but I will if I have to! We've also worked into the itinerary visiting an artisanal (made the old-fashioned way, with no big technology) goat cheese farm, where there are absolutely NO cruel practices inflicted upon the animals, and I can visit awhile with some lovely and already-loved goats.....see, I CAN'T stay away from animals for anything! In one way or another, I NEED their presence, so am trying to work that in to my 'life'....not that it diminishes the pain, but still is worth doing.

I guess, though, this has been part of my panic of late. I have done so much already, and continue to do more, to try my best to strike some balances in my grief....and so have been taken by some surprise (though not entirely) by the growing intensity of my pain despite these actions. My grief has been so (tenderly) slow to unfold, that I can only start touching the worst parts in the tiniest of increments at one time. And I know this means it's going to be a really long haul for me, which has both advantages and disadvantages, of course.

I KNOW part of this is also the rapidly-approaching act of actually going away from home, as well as actually setting up a TON of things that are strictly for MY pleasure. It's all too alien a thing to me, since my whole world revolved around willingly tending to my girl's needs and wants, even as I did things for myself. I seem to be suffering some form of survivor's guilt, despite whatever my intellect tells me about that. And another part of this is because we haven't been able to make the time to even bury our girl yet, and I have to leave her body at home (in our freezer still), unattended. I'd hoped to have this done before we left, but am not ready with her burial service plans and refuse to do a perfunctory job of it, rather than a 'perfect' one, as she so richly deserves. Plus, I simply haven't felt ready to give up her body yet, despite how long it's been. We'd also kept Sabin's body for even longer, due to both much indecision and seasonal unsuitability for burial, so this time delay now seems more 'normal' for me! Anyway, all this is playing a factor and I've just had to try to make adjustments for it as time flies by. But I thought I'd have taken care of so many more things than I've turned out to be incapable of doing, by now. So I feel pressured by time, itself, and frankly, have forgotten HOW to give myself a break with stuff like this! My mind and body are STILL in alert mode, or "Mom-mode", as I used to call it, and just won't settle down. I'm just ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL AT ONCE, and it's driving me batty!!

I do SO appreciate, though, your kind, and ever-so-gentle way of making those suggestions! You're a very caring soul, to take the time to think and present this in such a compassionate way. and no, I didn't take any offense) ...and of course, for being one of the ones to come to my aid. Thank you so much!

DoubleJo,

Thank you, too, for giving of yourself during my upheaval here. I so appreciate each and every caring thought I can get! And it's good to know certain others recognize the awe-inspiring ways of animals and their supreme value in our lives....and how hard it is when we're deprived of their specialness and that unique connection. You're right, it IS hard to put into words, even for someone like me, who loves to express herself through the written word!! The English language, in particular, is deficient that way so that doesn't help, either.

Of COURSE there is no 'replacing' any of them, and of COURSE they're all individuals. How could it not be so? We are ALL unique, though we all come from the same "star stuff", as Carl Sagan used to say. I always told my kids that we could never really be apart, as we'd become a part of each other's very souls, never mind our hearts!....but as everyone who's grieved knows, it's much harder to feel that indefinable connection w/o a physical body to connect to, when they're gone from this plane. And even when I DO feel my girl right in my heart and head, I can't just reach out and hug her, or hold her close, bury my nose in her fur, or kiss her endlessly...and it's just not the same, satisfying thing to do this only mentally. It just makes me cry all the more, w/o having that physical contact to sink into. It's also not the same when one's boundless love for someone else is tainted by sorrow and pain....not as pure, or purely enjoyable.

But even when people have a hard time expressing such matters of the heart, one knows when you're in the presence of someone who truly understands, whether that be in person or through the written word. Our energy is just like that, whether we're truly aware of it or not. It reaches out beyond the basic senses and touches us with KNOWING and union. I've found that with fellow animal lovers/grievers who were deeply touched by their companions, they oft times need only say something as simple as "Yah....I know....." and it's clear that they do get it. If this is face to face, you both lower your eyes at the same time, each fighting back the tears that are always so close to the surface, and there is some head-shaking or nodding, as you both stand stunned again at the enormity of each of your losses. It's not so much the words themselves as the energy behind the emotions that relays the intent. In fact, I just ran into an old neighbour of ours at the store yesterday, whose 19 year-old cat (same as our girl...whom we ALL knew, and who often visited us) passed away during the winter, soon after I'd last run into this woman. Knowing she isn't a very physical person, plus she was at her workplace, I didn't hug her, but we shared just such a few moments, and not much needed saying. I DO feel terrible, as I'd planned on visiting her and her cat(s) before this one passed away, yet never found enough time to drive out to her town due to all of my own stuff this year. But she did appreciate that I'd been wanting to. And although I'm quite sure she never shed a tear for Nissa's passing, I've done so for hers, as I knew and loved this cat, too...and I'm certain she'll receive that energy of mine, one way or another.

I also really LOVE birds, too. I had 2 budgies (separately) as a youth, who both had free run of the house, and it took me many, many years to get over their passings as well (lots of family trauma for me surrounding those deaths, so my first, poor indoctrination into the world of grief; very hard to overcome later in life). When I finally did (enough), that's when I adopted my 2 feline kids. There's a video on YouTube of a 'backyard' crow who 'adopted' a stray cat (whom a couple had rescued) and helped bring him up as a kitten. They even tousle together! It's the most heart-warming thing to see.

People have a hard time knowing what to say to ANY loss, I've unfortunately been forced to notice, but animal companion loss still seems to be the most minimized overall, to my mind. The worst thing is that I've also noticed that even the animal lovers themselves sound quite embarrassed to be grieving so heavily, despite hearing from many others who often also feel it's the worst loss they've ever had. The losses that I've noticed so far that seem to be just as bad for people generally, is child loss and spousal/partner loss. I think that says something about how great a role animals really play in our lives (if we choose to let them), so I'm becoming angrier and angrier all the time about this trivialization. Since the closeness of the relationship/bonding is key to the amount of grief we suffer, it only makes perfect sense to me that ANYONE with whom we have a close relationship with and who is part of our daily lives in a big way (versus more distant relationships in whatever ways), is going to impact us terribly when they're gone from our daily lives. And of course it also depends on how much we really love them. My distance friend once said that it made her really angry when people suggested that the presence of her new child (who was born very shortly before she lost her furbaby) should help her in her grief. She tells them that her furbabies ARE equally her children, so it's NO different to her to lose one over another. I couldn't agree more, even though I never had human children myself....I KNOW I'd feel the same, no question! In fact, I've even heard of a few who grieved more heavily over their furbabies than some of their own children, depending on circumstances, so go figure. There was also recently an elderly couple somewhere in the States who both committed suicide together after losing their dog. The facts of grief are there to see, but most people just don't want to give them their due consideration.

I WAS very fortunate to have received even more cards and flowers (mainly from friends) for Nissa's passing than even for my Mum's and brother's deaths (I have a large but VERY weird family!!!), but that was also because my H was very proactive on our behalf, and sent out emails that gave the impression we EXPECTED some respectful response from them! As is too common with many losses, after the initial response, there was virtually no support from almost anyone. I still get asked once in awhile by one distant friend how I'm feeling now, but when I tell her truthfully, even amongst other, happier events/feelings, I only get silence back. She doesn't often respond any better to good news than to the opposite, sad to say. Everyone's in their own, insular world and nothing's gonna shake them out of that comfort zone. But it's insulting to find out that some people HAVE been there in big ways for others who've been suffering in some way, but not for YOU.

It's too ironic, though....I used to think I was too 'this', too 'that', or not enough of either, to ever be capable of responding to people in any meaningful or helpful way (except for with a few, choice friends, way back). Yet now, at this late date, I've found out that I never need have fretted or felt deficient about this, seeing as so many people are even less adept at it than I ever really was, and many never seem to have felt badly about it at all, either!! But it's also hard not to feel pointless, if no one needs or wants you around, even if that might be from selfish motives on their part. And after 19 years of finally feeling needed AND wanted AND so well-loved it wasn't funny, and to now not even have most people accepting any offers I might make to serve their needs, much less help me out......it only increases those feelings of being alone and lonely, both at once. With so MANY people feeling so bereft in this world, it's crazy that we can't all find each other, each locally, and help fill some of those holes on a regular basis! Mind you, I'd even discovered one woman on another board who actually lives only an hour or so away from us, and who also lost her feline baby, and who had a fair # of things in common with me, and I suggested we get together sometime....it ended up going nowhere. Same for another one who was in an international teleclass I'd been part of and who'd recently lost her canine love - I even saw her story on the local news, as it was a tragic story. She lives in the city close to us, yet isn't interested in even emailing or talking on the phone, much less anything else. My distance friend couldn't believe it, either, as she'd ALSO give her eye teeth to have such an opportunity so close to home! So I'm at a loss now as to how to connect to people who even share the same kind of pain as I do. I've seen people on other boards get together and physically meet when they've found out they live close by, and they develop some great friendships that way, yet for me, it's a different story, and I've become so tired of being a different story. It's both disheartening and embarrassing, as if I'm some kind of leper. I've done what I think has been my best, considering, and yet it's still not 'good enough'....gee, just like my parents' terrible parenting 'tape' always suggested. I don't believe this anymore, yet it's still playing out as if it's true....and it's pissing me right off! Hence, my sense of desperation and fear when it comes to seeking help from others.

So you all might be able to imagine my extreme relief and gratitude for showing up here to help me through this terrible period of my grief journey!! I'm so glad you all stepped forward, especially when this isn't your regular forum on GH! As it often is, it's a help just to be able to TALK about things and know someone's not only reading your efforts to communicate, but is also willing to respond and lend a cyber-shoulder to cry on, or with. Thanks, everyone, for being real 'team players' and jumping forums for me! What I would have been feeling like w/o you, I shudder to think! Blessings to you all!

[LoriS.]

Hi Maylissa, You certainly love to write. And you are very good at it! I have another "gentle suggestion" for you. Why don't you print out all of your posts (and other posts if you wish) and start some kind of "Memorial Book for Nissa"? I have found that by doing something "artsy" has really helped me in my grieving. I love to knit and crochet and I had made my mom several things. At first when she died, I couldn't bring myself to knit. It was too hard. I even get that wierd pit in my stomach sometimes when I start on a new project, but my mom would WANT me to continue "creating" even if I'm not really making anything. Just the act of holding the yarn and physically knitting makes me somehow connect with my mom. In fact one of the last things she said to me was thanking me for making her such beautiful things. I don't make anything fancy, just scarves, shawls and such, it's the yarn that is so beautiful. So maybe by creating a beautiful journal of your posts in your grief journey would put some validity back in your life. You can add pictures...it's endless what you can do.

Again, if you've already thought of this or something similar, I apologize. I just try to see what a person is good at (your writing) and try to help them to use that energy to make it something positive for them. I did that with my kids (maybe making too many suggestions!) and sometimes they even liked what I had to say!

Well, you take care and if it makes any difference, I am validating your feelings and I know that they are real and true!

Big hugs to you...Lori

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

I like the idea of a memorial book for Nissa. When i lost Spanky, someone gave me a beautiful memorial book. i placed his picture in the front, and there were places to write about our special times, what i miss the most and etc. i keep it on my dresser and i look at him everyday. i will never forget his love,loyality or friendship , i will carry this with me forever. i also have his urn with his ashes right by my mom. she is loving that, being the animal lover she was. it will be 1 yr on 9/22/07 that i lost him and a day does not go by that i don't think of him. he will always be my best friend.

i just want you to know i am here for you. i work for a vet for 14yrs and you are very normal in your love for your furbabies. if you could only meet some of my clients. i could tell you stories of there love and devotion to there four legged best friends. the bond b/w animals and people is so real and alot of people have it just like you and me.

lori

[Diana A]

Hi Maylissa,

I had to write to tell you that I understand when you say that you feel alone and lonely. I feel the same way not having my beloved Pino. It's been almost 2 1/2 months since I lost him and my sadness doesn't seem to get any better. My father and his significant other came from NY to visit for two weeks and I felt that I had to hide my feelings because they couldn't understand that I was still so sad over not having my baby. I had to go into my bedroom at night and cry when no one would see me. Last Saturday I went to the support group and I felt "safe" to let out my emotions - but I haven't been able to stop crying since then. Someone in the group referred to her fur baby as "the love of her life" and then it hit me - Pino was the love of my life and WILL AlWAYS BE. That being said, I don't know how I'll ever move on - So I understand that you're still grieving for Sabin and Nissa. I dread the 29th of every month because it's a reminder of that horrible moment when I lost my Pino and it increases my longing for him because I know he'll never come back home. I don't know if other people move on so easily - some people may, I guess - Other people may numb their feelings by trying not to think about their loss and then go through life with these unresolved emotions that resurface when they are faced with other difficult life events. I think it's a coping mechanism. No one wants to go through this horrendous process, but when you love, there is always the possiblity of experiencing pain, especially with our fur babies because their life span is so short. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake so that I wouldn't have to feel this overwhelming pain. But the next morning comes and there is no escaping it. It doesn't matter what you do - the pain is there!! The longing to hold my beloved fur baby is an agonizing torture. I think I will dread the first, second, third and many anniversaries of his death because I love him so much. I miss him, as you miss your babies. So I think it's only normal that you continue to feel the way you do. I know I will feel this sadness forever, even though I have to continue living my life, day to day. I had my Pino for almost 13 years - how can people expect that I ever forget him or forget the love that he gave me and the special bond that we shared? A part of me died with him and because of that my life will never be the same. So even if many people don't understand, there are some of us that do, Maylissa. I don't know if I made much sense. When I cry my mind feels clouded. But I just wanted you and others to know that I can relate to the feelings of sadness, pain, and loneliness.

[Maylissa]

LoriS,

Yes, good suggestion, Lori. I'd actually thought of this, just haven't gotten around to doing it yet, and it's one of a long list of 'projects' I'd planned. My therapist had also mentioned that doing something tactile often helps people really connect with their grief in healing ways, and I have quite a few things on hold that will fit that bill, too. If we hadn't decided to go away somewhere this summer, as well as finally restaining our fence and wooden furniture pieces, I would have started some of these things by now! I'm sure that when I finally get to planning Nissa's burial service, that will do some of the same 'good'....but I'm still dreading it.

I had a bad dream this morning involving Nissa, and when I looked at it afterwards, I realized it all had to do with this feeling of deserting her, and leaving her in the hands of other people while we're away (not that I'm telling them she's in the freezer, unless I have to for some reason), so I seem to be reacting to this impending trip with a lot of fear, deep down.....as I suspected. So even the 'funner' stuff is laced with grief....what else is new?

On the up-side (I hope), I just found out one of the B&B's we'll be staying at for a couple of days has some resident animals ~ 4 cats, and 2 dogs, so I'm hoping some fur-time will also be good therapy. Strangely, I'd been trying to find one that did, but failed to notice that the one we ended up booking with does! So I'm positive my girl had a paw in making sure I had no choice but to stay at this particular place (every other place we'd checked was already full), so she's still trying to take very good care of her mommy, bless her big, fuzzy, soul! And thanks for the hugs; the same back to you, as I'm sure you can use them, too!

Lori(kelly),

Yes, I've seen those memorial books and they're very nice. You're so lucky that someone was kind enough to gift you with one. What we have planned is making a memorial video of both of our kids' lives, since I have literally hundreds of photos (mostly of Nissa, mind you), but that's going to to take me/us an awfully long time to get done. I also have quite a bit of video footage of her, but I haven't been able to even look at that since shortly after she'd left....it's just too painful. I'll most likely want to do that, though, on her 1st, as it IS sort of like having a visit from her. But I'll have to avoid watching what we shot the last day she was outside, 2 days before she was euthanized, as she wasn't doing well by then. I only took it so I'd have proof positive that we'd done the right thing for her.

You're fortunate that you get to see more of the loving and caring sides of folks, regarding their fur-buddies. Around here (at home), unfortunately I see and hear more of the neglectful, uncaring, careless, stupid and even downright cruel sides of the equation. But then, I'm also more aware than most of how animals are treated in so many walks of life, and don't agree with any of it, and it's not something I can simply ignore and pretend doesn't exist, as so many choose to do. I love animals too much for that and I don't accept compromises very well regarding their treatment. So all that makes it tougher as well for me. Yet I wouldn't trade my integrity in this for anything.

I know there are thousands of people who love their babies so very much, but it's just that not too many of them use boards like this one (many still don't even KNOW about such boards), so it seems lonelier than it might otherwise.

And, if I find too many of any board's members consist of those who, say, kill their babies ultimately for convenience (for one example) or support those who do, I won't use it, as it makes me sick (and furious!), and I don't want to talk to people who do such things. (this is entirely different from making plain, ol' mistakes, which we ALL do at one point or another) And I know there are still too many of those as well. My standards are quite high, I know, but I refuse to lower them if that means animals will suffer because of any such compromise. But, all this means that my choices are that much more limited, even IF it's self-imposed.

Diana,

Good to hear from you again, and thanks for joining in! I'd been wondering how you've been doing.

I can't even imagine having to stifle that sorrow for 2 whole weeks, much less even HAVE guests after only 2.5 months! Torture! I'm glad that support group is helping you to give vent to your sorrow, though, even if it means you're crying more. Tears do help us heal some and it's better to let them give voice to our sorrow, rather than bottle them up. I know whenever I'd have even one lousy day when I didn't cry, I'd sure make up for that the following day! And now I'm BACK to crying each and every day, at LEAST once/day. But it may be some comfort to know that it's physically impossible to NOT stop crying at some point - our bodies aren't designed to never, ever stop shedding actual tears....even though it can feel like we'll never stop if we start up again.

I completely understand that increased longing, from whatever triggers it, or simply from there being more time having gone by since we've last seen and held our babies. It's sheer agony, no question, and one that I've been feeling more and more as that relentless time lengthens. I remember this from when Sabin crossed, but it's so much worse with Nissa, as there's no one left now to heap that other love on instead. So we're both in the same boat there. It's like someone just sucked all the air out of your lungs, with no new air to replace it. And even after all this time already (tho not really long, grief-wise, OR proportionately-long to almost 20 years spent with her), my mind still reels and goes 'shocky' when it hits me again that.....it's just suddenly OVER, and there's no going back to what I had. I STILL can't handle that idea!

You're right - many people actively try to numb their feelings, and many of us also just GO numb, as a coping mechanism and way to avoid, postpone or simply mete out the pain in more handleable doses. I know I've experienced the latter and have had much of my grief delayed because of it....which may be good or bad, but only time will tell. And with pet loss, many, many people go out and get another animal shortly afterwards, in part to do just that. But I've noticed that for a pretty high % of them, they find out pretty quickly that this doesn't work for them, and they end up realizing that they can't get away from the pain no matter what they do. The upside is that at least one more animal isn't put to death because of overpopulation.....unless they return them, that is.....which I've also seen happen.

Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake so that I wouldn't have to feel this overwhelming pain. But the next morning comes and there is no escaping it. It doesn't matter what you do - the pain is there!!

I hear you! And that feeling has continued for me for all this time, really. Every time I take that lonely and now-alien trudge up the stairs to get ready for beddie (as I used to say to my kids), I can feel the knot in my gut tighten with each step. I keep hoping I'll once again hear her footsteps racing up the stairs after me like usual (if she wasn't already in my arms and getting a ride up). I still often ask her to come join me in bed, hoping one of these days I'll actually get a physically-sensory sign that she's still there. Going to bed, particularly with my girl, who snuggled into my chest as if she wanted to melt right into my insides, used to be such an anticipated part of my day, my favourite part of each day, when we could forget the worries of the day and just love each other to pieces. Now, I simply dread it, as I clutch my substitute cat stuffie and try to pretend it's her. It doesn't even matter if I try sleeping elsewhere, because no matter WHERE I might have slept in the house, Nissa would be right there with me. Nothing kept us apart. So now it's just a sickening time of day, as is waking up, when we'd also start off the day with more kisses and snuggles, many times with Nissa convincing me to just stay in bed longer, seeing as we were so comfy and SO in love with each other's presence. These 2 times in a day are enough to drive you right around the bend, all by themselves! So yes, I indeed hear you loud and clear on that one!

I think it will be the same for me as you suspect it will be for you. I can't imagine ANY anniversary hurting any less, really, even if, if I'm lucky, it might not last as long in any one day, eventually. But the intensity will likely be the same, no matter how short or long. But frankly, I'm absolutely terrified about this first one. I already know how bad they can be, but this one will be for my LITTLE NIS'!!!!....and it just seems too inexplicable to even believe!!! Just thinking about it has me bawling....for the 4th time already today. We have a long, long drive to our holiday destination, and I fear I'll miss seeing most of the beautiful scenery along the way, for all the tears, seeing as we leave right on her 11th anniversary....bad timing, that, but it couldn't be helped.

It might all feel a bit better if we could actually get a glimpse of how our lives will be at some point later on, because for all we know, there's still much joy in store for us, in whatever ways. But we only really live in the present (as our babies teach us so wisely to do!) so it's impossible to predict future happiness again. All along, I've also been trying to 'work' the principles of The Secret/the Law Of Attraction (if you know what these are all about) into my grief work, but am finding this ever so challenging, because the two things don't jibe with each other well, since the Law states that whatever we're thinking and feeling creates our manifested reality....and our future. And obviously, when one is grief-stricken, one's thoughts and feelings aren't generally of the 'highest order', yet must be lived and experienced in order to progress!! So I've come to just 'work' it whenever I can (and actually HAVE see it working, as stated), and the rest of the time I simply grieve as needed. I don't know what else to do, as I'm certainly not in any shape to drum up feelings of happiness out of the 'BLUE', so to speak!

I'm so glad you expressed your thoughts and feelings here, AND that you think what I'm experiencing is normal in your assessment! It's so good to know I have such company in my deep pain....not that I wish this upon anyone. I KNOW there are others out there who feel the same way we do, but one really needs to communicate with them in order for that knowledge to do any good, so I'm so pleased you've returned to let me know how YOU feel. You made perfect sense, btw, despite your mind feeling "clouded"! (and I'm well-aquainted with THAT effect of grief, too, believe you me!)

And now it's back to all that prep-work for vacation....groan....it's stupid how one needs a vacation just from getting ready for same!

I just hope all this work ends up being worth it and I DO get some positive results from this trip. I'm so up and down with this, it's hard to tell HOW I'll be feeling then. If anyone else has done this at least somewhat successfully, let me know! And thanks again, you guys, for being here!!! (((((HUGS))))) to ALL!!

Oh, and thanks, Marty, for removing that silly blank post of mine that didn't work right!

Edited July 11, 2007 by Maylissa

[4MBF]

Well I haven't been here for a while and I'll have to be brief even now. The loss of Montoya will probably reverberate through me for the rest of my life. There are good moments and bad/sad moments. I miss her tremendously and always will.

We had a good life together and in the last year or so I was preparing myself for her eventual death, although nothing was wrong at that time. So I did things with her with that in mind and tried to make them mean even more.

A lot has been going on lately and when I have time I will share that.

Thanks to all who contribute to this site because it helped me and I know it helps others as well.

Take care, Steve

[immortalpets]

Hi Maylissa,

I was reading your posts and I realize you really do contribute so much to others on this forum.

I would like to give you a free lifetime memorial for Nissa. This will help with your pet loss. I believe we have the number one pet memorial site on the internet and this memorial will help you as they have helped so many others on our site. The site is immortalpets.com and my name is Terry. You can contact me at Terry@immortalpets.com

We do not normally give away memorials but once in a while when we come across people like yourself we like to do this. There is no catch or anything

It is just somthing we would like to do for you. To get an idea of the type of memorial I am offering you here is my own memorial for our cat on our site.

http://www.immortalpets.com/Saffron/About.aspx

If you like you can go directly to the site and build your memorial and I will overide the payment sydtem for you. It will be paid for forever and it would be an honor for us to host Nissa's memorial.

Warm regards

Terry

www.immortalpets.com

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

My wonderful Spanky will be gone 1 yr on Sept 22, i will never forget that date. i lost my two best friends last summer my mom on july 3 and Spanky on Sept 22. I know my life has been forever changed. i think of my Spanky everyday and still can't believe he is not here with me.

I do have a new dog , Bentley he is 10 mos old and will be a yr in oct. the same month Spanky was born. i do love him but my heart says it will never be like Spanky, i don't think that will ever be replaced. i am happy we were able togive a home to another dog from a shelter and Bentley is treated like a king but my hearts yearns for my Spanky doodle ( i use to call him this and sing him a song, i hope you don't think i am crazy.). i just took in a foster kitten 3 weeks old that has to be bottled feed. i will have her til she is 8weeks and then go up for adoption. i have 5 of my own kitties. she is so sweet and part of me believes Spanky made sure i got her at this time to help me through the 1yr mark. call my nuts but i believe it.

Our furbabies live on forever in our hearts and even when i am 80 i will never forget him. My mom taught me this and i know she is smiling down on me happy that i am the person i am.

thanks for listening. Lori

[Maylissa]

Dear Terry,

I'm truly touched and rather flabbergasted by your very kind offer of a permanent memorial spot for my darling girl, Nissa. It comes at a time when I've lost hope for any eventual release from this endless despair. It seems rather heaven-sent because of its timeliness, and because of that I will consider it. I'll contact you with some questions I have about certain things, soon, I hope. I'm still not sure just when I might even have the strength for writing a tribute to my girl, though, despite any good it might do me. I'm just doing very poorly again and can't predict how I'll feel, or what I might be capable of tackling, from one moment to the next.

To be completely honest, I don't dare get too 'excited' anymore if and when anyone reaches out to me because for this whole year I've been traveling in a seemingly endless loop of dashed hopes, broken promises and repetitive 'teases' of support from humans that never really come to fruition and that only serve to deplete and disappoint me, time after time. So I'm feeling very beaten down and as I said before, despairing about ever being able to claw my way out of my sorrow over the loss of my feline daughter.

Yet I do thank you for such an 'unusual' offer from you and your site and hope I can 'come through' for, not myself, as much as for my girl, since if anyone ever deserved a tribute, it is my Little Nis'. As I used to tell her all the time, she was a HUGE presence in such a dainty, little package and her diminutive size was definitely no reflection of the enormity of her soul.

(I did enjoy reading about George James Monk, the man you've dedicated your site to, as he was my kinda guy, God bless him!)

[lorikelly]

I did the memorial page for my Spanky. i have to load pictures of him on so everyone can see how handsome he was. thank you for sharing this site with me. Lori

[Maylissa]

Dear Lori,

I've not been here for awhile now, and couldn't even post about my own girl's One Year anniversary on Aug.23/07, it's been so hard for me to handle, then and still. My sense of time has been completely distorted, as is so common in grief, and it feels like both an eternity, yet only a few weeks ago, that I lost her. I still find myself saying to myself, "NO! NO! IT CAN'T BE!!....How could this possibly be?????" So I certainly understand (and feel) the disbelief you speak of.

And for you, it was a double-whammy as well....so, so hard to reconcile oneself to! So many people seem to have more than one loss in a row (I even 'know' one person who's had 19 over the last couple of years, I think, many of them her furbabies, one after another!) and I don't know how in the world they can stand it!

Like some of us, I'd also lost 2 in a row - Mum, then brother, 2 months apart. But for me, Nissa's departure is hands-down the worst, although she is 'only' one. But then, Nissa had many roles in my life and so I grieve for every one of them and the loss becomes huge in terms of relationship losses, and most especially meaning of life issues.

I, too, am glad you've been able to take in someone new who needed the kind of love you're able to provide them. I always admire the strength of those who can do this.....although I'm not one of them. It seems like Nissa has been continually putting other cats in my path (ones with homes already), for one, to keep me from being utterly catless 24/7, and possibly for some other, higher reasons which I'm not privy to yet. We'll see.

Some folks have tentatively suggested I adopt 2 more cats now, or soon, but I've come to experience that being around other cats only ends up making me miss MY particular little love all the more. My H and I have continually been made aware of just how different and yes, special, our own little girl was/is. We can't help but compare, as it's right in our faces when we interact with these others, lovely as they may be unto themselves. Even when they love the attention, rubs, strokes, kisses and the like that I give them during these exchanges, I can't really feel a deep connection. All I feel is that yearning and longing, for the relationship of what was, with my Nis'. Twice now, with 2 different cats, I've even received kisses on the mouth(!) (which their guardians have never received from them), but take it 'only' as an opportunistic sign from my girl that she's working with these other cats to give me what I yearn for so much, and to let me know she's still with me, taking care of me, as always. So I could never subject another innocent being to this turmoil inside myself, nor could I do that to myself, either. It would only be torture to me.

And personal attributes, or lack thereof by comparison, of these other cats aside, there's no substitute for the building of a (pretty much) 20-year relationship with someone you loved from the start, someone who was, no question, your 'dream-come-true', both before and during your dreaming of it! Nissa was all that and more to me, and my heart's not yet capable of opening up to this again....unless it's my girl, and my guy, come back to me, and so we wouldn't exactly be starting from zero again anyway, even if their personalities weren't exactly the same. In fact, I would expect them to have undergone some changes, after their time in the spirit world, with their own spiritual growth never having stopped. I'm sure they'd just be even better, improved versions of themselves....even though I can't even imagine them being even better than they already were!

I usually try not to give 'commands' to people, but for the sake of making this point, I'll put it this way, regardless - Lori, you have to stop thinking of yourself as "nuts"! You have no idea how many songs I, and many others, too, sang to our furbabies! OR, how many nicknames many of us give them. Sabin had about 36.....and Nissa's numbered at least 64!!! I know my #'s are much higher than most, but that's just a reflection of my own creativity and how I chose to compliment my kidlets on the many aspects of their personalities, &/or on the love and devotion I felt towards them in my heart. In fact, at Christmas, I was fond of reworking the words of popular Christmas carols to fit them/cats in general/mainly Sabin, who actually loved me singing (badly!) my sillified songs to him. (Nissa had more taste, I think. ) My H always said I really ought to write them down, and maybe even publish them in a book, they were so amusing. Now, of course, I really regret not having done so, as fellow cat lovers likely would have had so much fun with some of them, too. At the time, it just seemed much too personal to share with the world.....but now....it could have been part of a tribute to what they inspired in me. But they were so on-the-fly that I really can't remember all of them now.

I don't consider myself "nuts" at all, despite all this 'silliness'. (how 'silly' can parents also appear with their human children when having fun together?) On the contrary, I think of myself as more enlightened and it makes me feel proud to have gone well beyond the worn-out, outdated and destructive status quo. Gone on to the possibilities of further and extreme joy one can achieve in cross-species relationships. In fact, many animal lovers aptly refer to how very much those who make fun of us are missing out on, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, by NOT giving such relationships the time, effort, consideration and space they so richly deserve. I say, it's about time we started shouting it from the rooftops and help others see how absolutely wrong it's been to discount these still-so-much-closer-to-our-Source beings - those who epitomize what LOVE truly is! From my perspective, with all that's gone on in the last year during and following Nissa's illness, then passing, humans, on average, don't have a frickin' CLUE about what love means. That's the realm animals (ALL animals) inhabit naturally, and there simply isn't any merely human replacement for it...at least not yet.

Dear Animal Lovers, All

And so I've remained, and felt increasingly through this dreadful summer, feeling so very alone and lonely. It would take 10 humans all trying very hard at once, to even come close to the daily love Nissa (and Sabin, too) gave me, without me having to beg for it in any way. All the 'tricks of the trade' haven't worked for me in getting ongoing support, even when I've been specific in asking for what I need. The moment I stop being a 'giver' and try to rest awhile in being a 'receiver', I'm avoided by those who'd offered their support before. It seems I'm only as good as what I can give, and I'm not worthy of sustained effort when I'm faltering. There are NO calls, meaningful emails from friends are a rarity. I'm allowed to write to a couple of friends about my feelings, but there is little if any response back (this even from one who is a total fellow animal lover like me and who still suffers mightily from the loss of her soul-mate). No one in my small circle has ever even asked me to tell them all about who Nissa was/is.

This is the same garbage I went through when my Mum died, but even worse, even more-so. And I simply can't take it anymore. I feel like that old song says, "Is that all there is?" My life, such as it is, feels totally over and yet this body hangs on, though it's ailing despite trying to get it back in gear. My life, and life-force, left with my girl and there's no going back. No amount of trying to build new, good memories in new activities has helped one iota. It all just pales and seems so utterly meaningless by comparison . There is only that constant, unrelenting yearning for her love.

In just the last few months, I've become a certified Reconnective Healer Practitioner (main focus for me on animals, naturally, but also for people), taken a couple of classes on Animal Communication, gone for a vacation, then another recent long wknd. holiday, gone for therapy, written extensively to others, and about my girl, volunteered weekly healing sessions to a (mainly) cat sanctuary and other individuals, tried to be and create an avenue to honesty with two (now lost) friends, tried to build a new network of animal-friendly friends, etc., etc., etc. And it's all been for naught. How many people do you think even remembered me, or more importantly, NISSA, on her One Year date? ONE, on that day. Later a grand total of two...because one was 4 days late and I strongly suspect that my H dropped a hint in their direction. Oh, and one other who said she'd been thinking of me that day - not that I even knew until just yesterday! And for this one, I'd even sent her an e-card for her father's anni. the month before. I just don't rate the same, and neither does my girl.

So to me, there's no point in striving to go on anymore. There's nothing left for me to strive for. I've lost the best love I ever got in my life and it's painfully obvious there will be no human love to help fill in this gaping hole. I've got no family (by blood) left to me, not even one really good friend locally, and only a smattering of 'sort of' friends elsewhere. I'm also now old enough that I'd be very worried about what would become of any other (even my own, reincarnated) adopted furry loves should I predecease them, especially considering my total lack of animal-type friends locally who might take them in as their own. And even then, it's not likely they'd be willing and able to provide the kind of holistic care I'd want (even with a large fund provided for that). How could I possibly trust anyone to do this, given how easily I've been deserted so far? If a DEATH doesn't bring people out of the woodwork, nothing will, because what's worse than that? All these years, I thought I was building upon existing, and newer friendships, knowing full well I already had a lack of family-of-origin to try and 'replace', and it all went up in a puff of smoke, as the illusion that it was. It's a bitter reality that I have no hope left of changing. I've come to realize most of the time, I may as well just be talking to the wall, for all the difference it ever makes in my daily life.

I'm not expecting anyone to have any answers for me, so no need to feel pressure. I just ended up feeling the need to write about a fraction of what it's been like for me this summer. If I'm truly lucky, it'll be the last summer I ever have to live through in this sad world and I'll get to finally fly over that rainbow my Little Nis' has shown me so many times....like a promise, but one that I know she won't renege on.

see I spelled his last name wrong - that should be Kamakawiwo'Ole - my Hawaiian's a little rusty) Edited September 6, 2007 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

My dear Maylissa ~

May I offer you some honest feedback? I do so only with the understanding that you are free to ignore completely what I am about to say, as I think you are healthy enough (and through our interactions on this site, I think we know each other well enough) that you can take whatever I say that is worth keeping, and throw the rest away.

In your response to Terry’s lovely offer (an offer that she has made to you and only you, simply because she thinks you deserve it ~ how special is that?) you said, I don't dare get too 'excited' anymore if and when anyone reaches out to me because for this whole year I've been traveling in a seemingly endless loop of dashed hopes, broken promises and repetitive 'teases' of support from humans that never really come to fruition and that only serve to deplete and disappoint me, time after time.

As I read this I found myself thinking, Good Heavens! Is she talking about me? Am I one of those she experiences as depleting and disappointing her, time after time? If so, maybe it’s safer for me not to say anything, for fear of making things worse! Maybe it’s better, certainly safer, if I just stay silent, and let someone else respond to this post. Obviously I put that thought aside, but it's worth noting that it came into my head nonetheless.

As I read in your posts to Lori and to others of the depth of your pain and disappointment and despair, my heart just aches for you. Much as I want to reach out to you, however, I am aware sometimes of my own reluctance to do so, for fear of disappointing you, thereby making matters worse.

It is interesting to me that the content of your posts often calls forth that reaction in me. I cannot help but wonder if others may be reacting to you in a similar way, which may help to explain why it so often feels to you as if no one really cares enough to be there for you in the way that you need them to be. Could it be that you are driving them away?

As I read of your expectations of other people and how they’ve failed you, I cannot help but wonder if any of your fellow human beings could ever measure up to the very high (if not impossible) standards you have set for them. I understand that you do not expect of others anything you do not expect of yourself first, Maylissa, but that is precisely the point. It seems to me that the standards you set for yourself may be impossible to reach as well ~ and so you are always doomed to failure, just as all the rest of us are doomed if we try to offer any semblance of comfort or support to you. Even other animals, who are so unconditional in their love (and so much easier to love than human beings could ever be!), can never measure up to the impossibly high standards you have set for them, because they are not ~ and never can be ~ Sabin and Nissa.

What would happen if you take what others have to give to you, and let it be enough? What would happen if you accepted other people (and kitties) as they are, and not as you wish they would be? What if you accepted yourself as you are, not as you wish you were, and let that be good enough?

Maylissa, I offer these comments simply as something for you to ponder. If they don't seem to fit, please feel free to ignore everything else I’ve said, and just know that you are loved.

[Maylissa]

Hey, Marty. I'm glad you replied here. And may I congratulate you on your courage to express what you did, given your concerns about doing so... ....concerns I'm well aware of possibly (or even likely) bringing up in others...but still, myself, having my own courage to push beyond in order to speak of that which I feel, regardless.

And no, of course you're not one of those who have let me down! Far from it! In fact, if not for your continued bolstering, most often at my lowest points, I don't know where I'd be, frankly. You've become even more important than you know...something I didn't really wish to say, given the added pressure that that might create for you! That's why I also usually try to remember to add, somewhere, somehow, in my posts that it's also a lack of local support, as in "in-person", that's also killing me. You, like the few others I sometimes speak of, aren't locally accessible, which makes it extra tough....no one to just call up when I need to. And having to rely on lengthy emails that no one has time for, because there's no one locally to take some of that slack off the distant ones.

I'm often reminded of that poignant scene from MASH, where Margaret uncharacteristically breaks down in front of her nursing team and says, "Did any of you ever even offer me a lousy cup of coffee?!" People around here have fondly related to me stories of all the little, lovely, ongoing things others in their circle had done for them after some trauma or loss. I'd thought that had meant they'd learned, themselves, how invaluable such gestures were to someone grieving, and that they'd be remembering me in like fashion. Otherwise, I don't know why they'd even bring it up to someone whose heart is broken - just to brag???? And yet, none of that kind of thing got offered to me by anyone local, though they all knew I had virtually no one to turn to.

As for the distant ones, well, yes, they've done a few things for me now and again, and I realize not any one person can do it ALL, but I also know how much time and effort they expend on others they call friends (and some even on other grief boards which they make time for), and I seem to be getting the short end of the stick, even when it comes to regular conversation about things other than mourning. In essence, I was trying to think of myself as "enough", just the way I was, but I can't seem to measure up to whatever standards these other people have set for friends, so what does that say? If I did measure up, or was 'enough', one would think I'd be getting back from them more than I have, regardless of what I did or didn't do for them.....but we all know it doesn't work that way, either. And I did give, and from my heart each time, not from future expectation.

I also have to say that my H has also been dismayed by many things done and not done by these people (his own limitations aside), and in my defense, he's nowhere near as emotional a person, nor are his standards terribly high, ie. he's a pessimistic realist who doesn't expect much out of anybody! (he approved this statement, btw!) We do both agree that my standards are high when it comes to animal treatment/attitudes in general, and while this does affect who I choose to get close with to some extent, neither do I expect many others to be in the same 'category' as me. I know many of the same kinds of people exist 'out there' (many have their own websites and extraordinary causes), but I highly doubt I'll ever get to meet any of them, much less locally, so I'm used to compromising in certain areas....though not in all of them.

And I'd think, too, that heavens!, I'm not that exceptional! compared to countless others who do FAR more than I ever could or would, so I have to wonder.....what do you perceive my expectations of myself and others to be? Or, how are my expectations being perceived (by you)? I'm truly interested in this sort of feedback, just in case both mine and my H's rationale has been in error all along.

Unlike these other people in my circle, I DO appreciate your honesty and this and all other attempts to help me out, even if it's beyond yours or anyone else's scope in a forum such as this. And as always, I appreciate the love and concern you always show me.

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

I know how hard the anniversary date must of been. i am not lookin forward to 9/22, i will try to do something to celebrate Spankys life. i hope i will do a good job.

I understand how you say you can never love another like you loved Nissa and Sabin. i feel like that also. Don't get me wrong i love Bentley and would always take care of him but when i look at him that love doesn't flow. i know it may take time and things may change. i also know that Spanky has that place in my heart that will never be replaced. i never want to replace it. i also know that he is probably happy that i took Bentley in, i thinks so anyway.

i think it is great all the animal work you are doing. we had a girl at my job who would do raike on the sick animals. what a blessing you are to them.

i am always here to listen to you and to hear about your wonderful Nissa and Sabin. i also know that you will always listen about my Spanky. thank you for that, many don't want to hear about him anymore.

Lori