I Feel Alone And Lonely

[Maylissa]

Hi Lori,

Sorry it took me so long to get back here and write. I suddenly had a ton of things that came up and needed looking after right away. But I really appreciated your reply.

I wanted to do more than I did for Nissa's One-Year, but found sitting down to watch most of our videos of her was all I could manage, emotionally. I'm sure that as long as they're in our hearts on these days, that's enough for them. Anything else is icing on the cake. For me, watching these videos feels like having a little visit with her, even though I experience a whole gamut of emotions, instead of just the happier ones that were present when we recorded these precious moments. But on that day, of all days, I really needed to feel as if she was still physically here.

I'm so glad you know what I mean about just not being able to love the same way again, yet. Even when we'd lost Sabin, though I'd try to force it at certain times, my heart was so darn raw with pain that it didn't want to open completely to my own, little girl all the time, for quite awhile afterwards. It was a really horrible feeling, knowing darn well I loved her just as much as always, and in fact, even MORE, yet feeling somewhat closed off to allowing that feeling to pour out and expand as easily as it always had before. I made sure to tell her that it was just a temporary 'glitch' in her mommy and that I still loved her as much as always, but my heart just wouldn't cooperate all the time! It was just that when I tried to feel only the warm fuzzies of my love for her, alongside of that came the anguish of losing her brother, creating interference in that loving feeling. I felt SO guilty about this all the time, but I also knew she knew both feelings existed and that she was still loved.

So, with your love for Bentley still being so new, and w/o that same history/time together behind it, I can well imagine how difficult this 'task' can be for you, or anyone who adopts again before too long. Most people know (in their heads at least) that it will come around in time, and it's also a testament to that (new or old) love that we feel badly about it, for the sake of our furbaby's emotional health. And at least they're getting some love, even if it's somewhat diluted by our pain, so we must forgive ourselves for being 'deficient' for the time being, and try to focus on the GOOD that was done - in the case of new ones, by adopting them and saving them from shelters and even death. (especially so for older adopted animals who have so little chance at adoption)

I think it can take a long time for our hearts to catch up to what our heads tell us is so.

Yes, I'm happy with myself for helping other animals out, even if they're not 'mine'. And frankly, even though it's a mixture of selfishness and self-care (mentally), I'm 'happy' for the break in having to worry about and deal with daily, one a very personal level, illnesses or other health conditions (my own are enough right now, thanks). While I'd give one of my own limbs to be able to still serve my gal in this way, for any new one, I would find it far too taxing right now. So serving other furries from a distance suits me just fine right now. I used to give Nissa Reiki daily, hands-on (plus had someone else do distance Reiki for her through the week), but far prefer Reconnective Healing to any other form now, so am glad I learned it.

Our neighbour's cat, who loves to spend much of her time here with us when she's let out (to roam unsupervised, wherever..... ) just experienced some kind of reaction, possibly from a wasp sting, in our yard. She started licking and chewing herself all over, with her skin rippling repeatedly....and I just about lost it! This was something Nissa always did (allergies we had to live with, in favour of keeping her weight up high enough as she was a picky eater), and this cat already reminds us of both Nissa and Sabin, combined. So, when this happened, I was acting cool on the outside, but totally falling apart on the inside! It was just another reminder of how UNready I feel to take on such challenges anytime soon. (and I can only hope she's alright, as this neighbour is a really irresponsible guardian who doesn't really care much about her precious cat's life...yes, I apprised her of the situation, but....)

Both of my kids continue to send me the more subtle signs that they're still around me and have come through in this way countless times in this last year. (I even got a DOUBLE rainbow, one from each of them, as we arrived at our holiday destination, as I'd asked them to BE with me while on vacation! and another one just before we left our final vacation spot, like parentheses to the whole holiday!and another one just this week) I try to gain strength and comfort from these, and do, but it still doesn't begin to compare with how things were when they were physically here, of course. I log each sign that appears, in a journal, to remind me of just how many times Nissa's kept watch over me, and they DO most often appear when I'm at my lowest points. So how can I not want to still be able to hold her, hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, stroke her plush-yet-sleek fur and just smother her with love???? She only makes me love her more and more every day, just as it always was.

Thanks so very much for wanting to hear about my girl. It's in the telling and retelling of our love stories that we're able to relive them and keep our memories alive (since we all have sweat-inducing terror about ever forgetting anything about them!), but too many people are averse to allowing this. It's ironic, really, since we'd always found that even more than stories about human children's escapades, in a crowd, most people were delighted to hear about animals' escapades. So I'd counted on that, from past experience. Yet now, when it would really help me, no one I already know, or even any new people I meet, want to listen. I've actually been interrupted repeatedly and talked right over, in people's bids to yak about their own animals rather than share the conversation in a civilized fashion. I feel like screaming, "Hey! You're not the only important one here! And neither are your own animals! Give and take, folks!" I've been finding people as a whole are not only insensitive and selfish, but downright RUDE, too!

I'd also hoped to find some common ground with others who were more obviously in tune with animals (hence my taking animal communication/animal loss courses), yet even there, despite clicking with a few individuals who also attended (and who now know about my loss/grief), it's still I who has to not only initially make, but keep up contact. And I'm just too darn tired to keep this up. For once, it would be really nice if someone else did the initiating and 'maintenance' in a friendship, at least to start. It just reminds me of how needed and wanted I was by my kids, but not usually, and still not, by people. And if I have to apologize to everyone for feeling more needy right now, and especially in light of all the lack I've experienced once again in another loss.....well! if I have to start teaching courses myself on grief and loss in order to get the point across, I might as well just pack it all in right now! One small comment I got from my MIL this week helped me see that I and my H aren't being overly-demanding or setting too high standards in our expectations of most of these people. It was about one friend who is very lax in replying to emails or answering questions, yet whom I must ask permission from to call her at home (and I never am granted that permission, in all these years of corresponding). My MIL's comment said it all - "That's just totally WEIRD.....and ridiculous!!....I can't imagine!!!....What kind of a friend is that?!" I have to agree - it's just "weird". And while this friend has done more than most for me with Nissa's loss, I can't help but feel I'm doomed to always live on the periphery of her life, despite wanting to increase our closeness. In other words, I'm not that wanted.

And perhaps I've even given somewhat of an imbalanced impression here, too. For the most part, when I've interacted with these people, I've been cracking jokes and making them laugh (and laughed at theirs), been serious when discussing serious topics, made sure to show them empathy when called for, and generally been fairly 'normal' like my usual self. But I've also shared some of my deeper feelings, more so with one or two. So it's not like I've gone around always sounding gloomy and defeatist (I save that for grief boards! ). But no one's even really wanted to hear much about the GOOD stuff that's happened, either. It's 'just' that everyone's "too busy" to take the time for me. And how does that make anyone feel, even in more even-keeled times, much less when someone's grieving and in dire need of some hand-holding????

So the more I've thought about this, the more I believe it's not me. Instead, I think it's a sad reflection on society's ways these days, the lack of community too many of us are caught in and the 'ease' with which we can fluff off people via the 'wonders' of email versus phone calls or other more old-fashioned correspondence. Except that some of us have, through our own losses, learned the importance of being there for others when it really counts. And unfortunately, most of those around me talk the talk, but don't actually walk the walk. It's like I'm already learning what it's like to be a senior, ahead of my time, with loved ones dead or dying, no real family left, few if any friends to come calling or check on me....a dwindling circle where no one remembers you or your life, because they're all "too busy". (why I don't want to grow old!....as my MIL says, "getting old isn't for sissies!") I know that's what kept me, too, from replying sooner here, BUT, I made time for it in a fairly timely manner, and I usually do (unless I'm REALLY down, but then NO one person I know gets much from me, w/o exception), because I think it's rude not to and because that's part of what compassion's all about. If that's too high a standard, then it's no wonder I'm depressed (and some people wonder WHY antidepressants are the most-prescribed drugs in the world now?) I know most of us need to learn how to say "no" to many things, but it's also about learning to say "yes" when appropriate, too.

And so, I would also be happy to hear anything you wish to share about your darling Spanky (such a cute name, btw) and your life with him.....or with Bentley, or about anything else you need or want to talk about. And I thank you for extending the same kind of compassion to me! I haven't had a chance yet to view your memorial of Spanky (assuming it's one of the "public" ones offered), but I will, as soon as I can. Heck, I haven't even made time yet to write Terry!, but I will do that, too. I believe it will be valuable to myself to write what will likely be a HUGE tribute for my Nissa-girl. There's just so MUCH to say about her, I hardly know where to begin!....my little BIG girl, in a tiny package.... I miss her more with every passing day....how could I not? But each day is also one day closer to the glorious time I can reunite with her and my also-wondrous Sabin (whether here again, or in the spirit kingdom) and I hang onto that with all my might.

[lorikelly]

Maylissa

Thanks for allowing me to share my Spanky with you and my stories about all my other furbabies. Not many people really listen about SpnakyDoodleBug anymore. (that is what i would call him). I do work for a vet for 15 yrs but even there people move on and don't want to hear about him. If my mom was here should would listen. She loved her furbabies so much and she would understand the lose i feel. When i lost Spanky on 9/22/07 people said oh your mom must of needed him(she died 2 mos before), i would say NO my mom would of wanted him hear with me to help me. I miss him so much, its such a longing for him.

I do have 5 wonderful kitties who i adore, they give me so much love. i am terrified of losing one of them. one is my moms his name is Bootsie and for me that it a connection to her. My only girl is 14 and i wanted her to go on forever. my other babies are Joe 18 mos. Rocky 7, Bootsie 10 BooBoo 7 amd Babygirl 14. they give me so much love.

I understand about people being to busy in there lives, i really try very hard not to be like that. People don't even want to hear about my mom , i want to scream and say she died but she was a part of my life for 38 yrs, i just can't forget. Spanky for 15 how do you just get over it. i will never understand. i never want to be like those people and pray i never am.

i will always be here to listen to you. i love hear about your babies and your journey on this grief nightmare (that is what i call it). i can't understand that friend who won't let you call her w/o permission. Maylissa that is not a friend. she is weird.

well i am off to work to see all those babies . i will write soon. lori

[Maylissa]

Hi again, Lori.

I'm just about to get off this computer myself and will write back soon, but just before I get on with my day, I wanted to share this Josh Groban song with you (he's at his absolute best in this one!). You can ignore the video behind him, as it has nothing to do with animal loss, but the SONG.....oh my, it's so beautiful, just like so many of his, and the lyrics are PERFECT for those of us in mourning. (I've only recently begun listening to the odd song, deliberately, to start those healing tears flowing copiously) Be sure to grab a whole box of Kleenex for this one! (hey, why don't we have a "crying" emoticon here????)

[DoubleJo]

Maylissa: Actually its' not just animals people don't want to talk about, it has to involve themselves in some way or they are bored and tune out.

I joined a house of worship last year and was received so warmly and kindly, especially when they learned I lost both parents and 2 husbands. It felt so wonderful because I had so little connections left. I made the effort to show up at events and services. The people who told me they would be my new family ignored me at all of them. Not out of malice. They just didn't remember anything they said to me or who I even was. The woman who volunteered to drive me to meetings (I live only 2 miles away) was friendly and very receptive. We seemed to have a lot in common, and we "hit it off."

One night she tells me she couldn't go with me the next time as she was making dinner for perspective new members at her home. Hey? What was I ?

I sure got left out of that one. Then at the last meeting for the season she says, "see you next fall." Hey? Although I met and chatted with many people no one ever called me to see how I was. I had sent holiday cards, smiled, volunteered to help. But even though they knew I had lost my husband that year, I heard from no one. Do people make promises and not follow through? They sure do.

They have their "clique" of friends and family and have very strict guidelines

who is allowed to become a part of their circle. They seem to have to have the same number of kids, the same ages, the same exact activites and routines.

It doesn't matter if you never talk about yourself, because they associate with you for the moment and there is no follow through. I am very lucky.

I met my new neighbor who is very similiar to me in thought and practice. We follow thru for each other. We mean what we say. Most people mean what they say AT THE TIME they say it but it evaporates away as they leave.

I have learned to listen and let people talk, because they do interrupt and they do not listen. About much of anything! They are preoccupied with themselves, period.

I make friends easily. I am respected and very easy going. But most people are so caught up in the daily little stresses and running around in their lives from here to there that they are floating from moment to moment.

So, Maylissa, I understand what you are saying. Most people are superficial. Depending upon the people you get to meet, they are always really nice at first because they have nothing to lose. But to actually commit or follow through? Very few do. Treasure the ones you find.

If you can accept the fact that people are people, it doesn't bother you as much. I've traveled the world and had strangers go out of their way to assist me. Do wonderful things. The kindness of strangers is real.

But in a daily living situation people are so invested in what they already have they don't think about making room for anything not already connected by some thread to their lives. Its' THEM. They don't have a broader picture than their very busy already filled in sphere. Make yourself happy. Why let them spoil your times? There are sincere people out there but they can be hard to connect with. I approach people with a sense of realistic optimisum. Maybe they will surprise me. I take what they can give, because alot of people cannot give very much. But you never know when it clicks with someone. It could be tomorrow. It's just the luck of the people in your area you meet. Take care- some people are like your special little ones, its' finding them that can be hard. Doublejo

[Maylissa]

Thanks so much, you 'guys', for all your thoughts. It does help me to feel really heard....not even just listened to!

Lori,

It was the same story with my human losses, and I never did find anyone to talk to about my Mum's life/story/memories, even among those who'd known her. Well, one former friend for just a couple of times (who didn't know her), but that was it. So sadly, I never was able to add to any of my own memories of her, either, by anyone else's. Then 2 yrs. after hers and my brother's passings, I 'had' to rapidly let my grief for them seemingly effortlessly just fall away, when Nissa got hit with her attack of high blood pressure and my caregiving demanded every ounce of my energy. She became my ONLY priority and that was that. In a weird sort of way, I almost regret having 'wasted' even that second year of mourning my Mum (even tho I know it wasn't a waste, nor could I have helped it at the time), when I could have been focusing ALL my attention on my baby girl. It's like we all seem to always say.....if I'd only known how short our remaining time was to be......

People do say some of the 'stupidest' things in their bids to either try and help us or (more usual, I think) try to avoid their own discomfort over how we feel....even some of those who've been through their own losses. Funny, many seem to forget how overly-sensitive one can become when in mourning. I realize it can be somewhat tricky to say the 'right' thing(s), but it still frustrates the heck outta me that the only ones who ever read all those informative guidelines to how to help someone in grief, are US, the grievers! WHY they don't just ASK (and mean it!, if they're going to bother at all) how they can best help, is simply beyond me. That simple gesture would give us an opening to send a helpful "how-to" guide along and let them pick and choose from all the wonderful suggestions! And here I'll date myself and do my impression of John Belushi on SNL........."but NOOOOOooooooooo!!!"

I truly understand your terror about losing one of your remaining furries. It's a really common reaction, and from one who's also suffered this.....how could you NOT be?!?! The Silver Lining of this, though, is that sudden realization that the lives of those we love (and all others, actually) are so very precious and we shouldn't forget that for even one, lousy moment....even though we do at times. But we should at least try not to forget, 9x's out of 10. It can help us stay in the moment when we're with them and treat each second as if they might be gone the next. But it's hard keeping the fear down and just concentrating on the fullness and joy of that very moment, too.....so it's not as easily done as said. But when fear can be a motivating factor, as it is here, then we may as well USE it. At least this can help us feel like the fear is a useful tool, and is doing our bidding on our behalf.

SpankyDoodleBug .....that's so sweet! I can just hear you saying her name this way, with all the love in the world behind your tone. And I'm sure your mom is SO grateful that it's YOU who's looking after her beloved Bootsie, rather than anyone else! I've seen SO many families who dump their lost loved one's dogs &/or cats on shelters afterwards, no one willing to take them in, even in large families of many members....even when the given furry is just about at the end of their own life! I can't even imagine such an act of betrayal, to both their lost one AND the poor furry who's ALSO lost their own loved one!! I'd written a letter of total outrage about this to our local paper once...not that it changed a thing, as the very next week, there was yet another case of the same abandonment.....sigh.....So, good thing Bootsie's with you!!

I also couldn't help but smile to find out one of your kid's names is Boo-Boo. While it seems to be quite a common name (who knew?) among cat-types, it was a nickname of Sabin's....what I most often called him actually, just cuz it seemed to really suit his goofball personality. His Daddy, though, most often called him "Bud". He just evoked those "B" names in us, for some reason. And he always reeeeaaaalllly liked when I'd call him either "SuuuuuperSabin!" or "UuuuuuuberCAT!"(with a roll of the tongue) while we were tearing around being goofy together. My girl, on the other paw, elicited more of the sweet, cutesy nicknames, like "Button", "Bunny-Duck", "Pee-Pop" and the like - there isn't nearly enough room here for all of them! Their nicknames always matched how I actually felt their respective energies, and personalities of course. I always thought of it this way: their essences were just FAR too big for just ONE name!

i never want to be like those people and pray i never am.

Overall, that's how I feel, too....except for the times when I get really mad. THEN I want to just be a cantankerous, ornery, self-centered and crusty individual who's a real force to be reckoned with! But more often than not, I quickly fall back into not wishing to hurt anyone's feelings, and almost feel like a weep-sack for doing so, even if it IS nobler!

As for calling that friend, more on that in a bit.....

Thanks for letting me share whatever about my kidlets with you. Tell me more about SpankyDoodleBug, too!! Or any of your remaining kids!

DoubleJo,

Oh, PHEW!! I'm so glad you shared your own, awful experiences about trying to meet new people, and in detail, so I can clearly see your frustrations along the way! You're right, you're right, you're right. For whatever horrid reasons, that IS the way it often is out there in the "real world", at least for some of us. And it always seems to do me some good to know that other people are also having a hard time as they endeavor to find some meaningful company during their struggles to rework their lives. Not that it helps, of course, to hear how rampant this nonsense is in the world, but I assume you know what I mean!

I feel so much empathy for you, even though I'm not myself husbandless (yet? I always fear my H will suffer a sudden heart attack, as too many of his family has departed this way already). And your courage is so commendable, to keep trying despite all this rejection! And most especially after what I consider to be such gargantuan efforts on your part to get involved, reach out....gad, even send holiday greetings while mourning (I never did)!! I find it absolutely heinous that out of all those people, not even ONE stopped to think of how hard this must have been for you, and reciprocated even in some small but easy (for them, by comparison) way!! As a species, we're really falling down on the job!

They have their "clique" of friends and family and have very strict guidelines who is allowed to become a part of their circle.

That is so sadly true. And trying to figure out what those stupid guidelines are is next to impossible....and even if you do, you don't usually qualify.

What's even stranger to me is how people draw their own, unnecessary circles. Through the years, my H and I often felt sorry for some singles we happened to know/meet (if we sensed any loneliness). And if we clicked with their personalities, it was usually US who were trying to invent ways to get together with them for some socializing. Heck, we never care if someone's 'attached' or not! It's only whether we like them or not. And there have been plenty of couples where we don't care for one of the two, but see them both anyway. So...we'd even tell these individuals outright that although we were of course a couple, even couples can get lonely for company, so we'd be more than happy if they'd join us, as if we were just all individuals getting together as friends. Most were pleasantly shocked, and we didn't blame them, knowing how hard it can be out there, and we'd become friends. But some of them chose to still feel like 3rd wheels, despite our enthusiasm in welcoming them into our lives. And others.....dropped US like hot potatoes once they finally found someone to date, despite all the good times we'd had together! So it can be truly perplexing to try and figure out what the heck is going on! I even left messages for one of these girlfriends, asking if I/we'd done something wrong and wondering what had gone wrong....never heard a word back, and I still miss her.

I'm so happy for you that you've finally got a neighbour who you can become friends with.....another phew! Me, I've totally given up on even new neighbours. We go through the motions, but don't dare hope for much anymore, as in over 16 years here, it's always fallen flat despite all our out-reaching. I even tried the opposite approach for a change, and instead of offering a favour, asked for one instead. It was accepted, but when the time came for that favour, it was reneged on, so we had to quickly scramble to find someone else to fill in.....and weren't too happy with the results of that. Now my H always says wryly humourous things like, "Yup....the world would be a great place...if it weren't for having to deal with people."

Everything you say is true and was how I usually viewed things in the last few years, too. I guess part of my expectation has come from one subtle change that I hoped would affect things for the better, and that is that we're all that much older and most of us have now had some losses that deeply affected us as individuals. I mistakenly thought that this was that "common thread", one that would unite and not divide us. I was also trying to operate from the principle that when one gives of themselves selflessly (or as closely to that as we can manage), one is equally provided for, back. I'd just hate to think that I'd have to work 'round the clock with giving out before I'd ever be able to rest and just receive a bit back!

Maybe just giving up/giving in for awhile might be the best solution for now? I'm just really starting to panic now, since I've been at this finding new friends thing for so many years already and it's taken its toll. I'm tired....I'm just so tired of striving.

***********************************************************************************************************

Something did happen last night, though, that was very unexpected, in a pretty good way. That friend who didn't want me to call her at home called me from her cottage instead and we had the longest chat in years. I did finally find out just why she never wanted to talk when at home and it did make some sense, and now she's given in, despite this, and said I can call whenever and to heck with the problems.....so good, on that count. I still can't expect much of what I need from her, though, because now it turns out she's going through a pretty tough time (which only promises to worsen), so she didn't want to dwell on much 'bad' stuff (eg. my problems ), yet did talk about her own. So despite the length of this conversation, I only got to share a tiny fraction of what I'd wanted to about my own, and although I did have a GREAT time while we were being our usual funny selves, I'm still left disappointed. I remain thinking that oh sure, when people are UP, they don't want to be brought down (by giving of themselves when someone else is in need), but when they're down themselves, they want and expect YOU to be there for THEM. UGH!! So I can appreciate this get-together for what it did provide (like all that also-needed humour), but it's still ambiguous and not altogether fair and equal. So I'm still thinking I just have to get used to the idea of being lonely and unworthy of consideration, maybe for the rest of my life, if history is any indication. I just can't shake this feeling of when is it going to be MY time for once??? And unfortunately I'm not a trained counselor myself, who knows all the various ways and means of possibly getting my needs met through incredibly diplomatic assertiveness....seeing as people can be so touchy about any kind of 'confrontation'. Now I'm just pooped after all this typing so I'll just leave it there for now.

[immortalpets]

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you for your kind words about my grandfather it is greatly appreciated.

Please, when you are ready go to www.immortalpets.com and accept this gift.

You will not be disapointed and I promise you that you will get so much from

the memorial. We have memorials from pet owners that are in incredible dispair and I receive emails from so many who tell us how much they love and cherish these memorials it is a great help to them.

This is a gift to you with no strings attached because you give of yourself to others so it is an honor for us to do this.

In fact I do not get time to read all these threads but I did notice LORIKELLY

Is also a huge contributor. Her memorial to Spanky is also being paid for by us and she will receive a receipt via email to show her memorial is paid for, forever.

We would also like to offer Councelor MARTYT a free memorial too which she may use herself or pass on as a gift to someone who she feels would benefit from it. Any other high volume contributors to this site may also email me at Terry@immortalpets.com with a request for a free lifetime memorial. We really cannot give away very many but we are always open to helping people who help others. Please email me if you have a special request. After reading the thread I felt bad about leaving some of you out as there are a few of you out that also give so much of yourselves to others.

Warm Regards

Terry

www.immortalpets.com

[immortalpets]

Hi Lori,

we just paid for your memorial, you should receive an automated receipt via email.

http://www.immortalpets.com/Spanky_Kelly/About.aspx

I hope you enjoy your memorial for decades to come. We will be adding a lot of new music tracks in the next day or so also.

If you need any help with anything please feel free to contact me at Terry@immortalpets.com

If you would be so kind to tell others about the site who you feel would benefit from it. It would be greatly appreciated.

Warm Regards

Terry

[DoubleJo]

Maylissa: Your time is the time you have with your understanding husband. Other people expect to get attention from their own and others. I resolved myself to having only my husbands' sincere love and attention years ago (and of course from my special pets)and realized that was pretty darn special, so many married people not close at all, talking past each other. It can be terribly frustrating if that is all you are looking for. When I realized it just wasn't there, even at this stage of life, I was no longer frustrated. It is silly, a waste of human resources and doesn't speak well for the majority of people we meet, but their sole purpose is to protect their little world from outside invasions that might change their feelings of security even a little bit. They just don't see the world as one from which to take and embrace, but rather to protect from and discard. That's what separates the masses from the individual. Its' easy to be a mass.

I realize I talked about myself when I wrote my reply, which is what you're probably sick of. I understand that, but I had no other way to let you know this is happening to other people too. You do need to talk about the ones who are hearting your heart. And over and over to help heal it. I just want you to know that I didn't use you to sound off about my feelings. I came to terms with people's abilities quite a while ago. You still have so much around you it bothers me to hear you feel so hurt. People don't realize they are hurting you. They aren't thinking much about you at all, unfortuneatly. I experience phone calls like your recent one. They start off with How are you? but they want to talk about themselves. I guess its' a compliment they need you.

Take care- Doublejo

[Maylissa]

Dear Terry,

Once again, I humbly thank you so much for your very kind donation of a memorial for my darling girl. When I feel ready to write it, I will avail myself of this lovely service. The founder of another website devoted to helping the grieving once offered the same to me (for another loss), but unfortunately, this particular website's services never did get 'up and running' the way they were supposed to, so I was never able to put anything in place....still waiting, after about 3 years.

It's also so very nice of you to offer the same to some other, well-deserving folks here who also give of themselves in service to others. It is this generosity of spirit that makes for places such as this and sites like yours.

Your grandfather deserves every "kind word" and more, as there are too few people in this world who understand the vital importance of showing and practicing respect and compassion towards ALL of our earthly (and heavenly) brethren, such as he did. He's a hero and example to us all, and he is, I'm sure, very proud of what you've created, and what you've offered to others.

[Maylissa]

DoubleJo,

Please don't feel there's a need to apologize for talking about yourself and your own experiences! As I said, it helps to know the details of someone else's experiences, and in context with things being discussed. I actually prefer that to generalized statements, as it makes examples clearer. Just as we can and do compare other things in life, it can help to broaden our perspective to hear about other's stories in grief. So no, I don't get sick of hearing about other people's woes (I have a pretty high tolerance for this anyway, from my family background), as long as they're also willing to listen to mine......that's the BIG difference here, as opposed to my 'off-line' life. I, too, often use my own experiences as examples when trying to share, and don't see anything wrong with this approach if it's a sharing back and forth, and not totally one-sided.

I had to chuckle (in wry empathy) about your comment,

I guess its' a compliment they need you.

Yes, I suppose that's true, but of course we who are grieving so hard already have our own needs as well, and it would be nice if others might recognize some 'fairness' in these exchanges, eh? I think if others didn't always see me as how they always put it - "much stronger than you think you are" - they might actually stop to really listen and believe me when I tell them that I'm not feeling strong during times such as this! It seems to become an excuse for them to dump on me and then give up their responsibility to the friendship and to my needs as they come and go. It pains me to think, in the interest of self-preservation and to make a point, I might have to become just like them and say "NO!" to listening (and trying to act like a good friend) to their own concerns....knowing fully all the while that this doesn't create further intimacy or aid communication. But I'm feeling backed into a corner, so it may just have to be this way.

And I really appreciated hearing you say

They aren't thinking much about you at all, unfortunately.

, as that's how it FEELS to me and how I'm perceiving it. I just know that they're waiting for the day I'm 'back to normal' (hah!), in totality, and I can be used again. It's so disheartening, I've begun to feel that it wasn't worth being 'strong', as it seems like I was 'strong' for others and not so much for myself, if that makes any sense. In fact, when I tried to tell this friend just HOW down I was, and how I envisioned just plunking myself down on the couch and not moving for maybe weeks, should anything ever happen to my H as well (in other words, giving up completely then), and how no one would even KNOW something had happened (seeing as no one calls, etc.) and I could simply die from not eating or drinking anything, which is what I'd want, I'm sure.....it never occurred to her that this was a cry for help, or that she might check up on me more often herself. No, she disagreed and thought that I'd be (once again) "stronger" than I thought and would simply end up doing whatever needed doing for myself, end of story. There was no offer to help, not now, not in future. Nope. It was all going to be up to me and me alone. And this, despite having seen her own mother have to do this, yet feeing very sorry for not being an adult at the time and being able to help her back then.

So, in light of this, all previous garbage this past year, and some newer developments this wknd., I ended up wanting to die right NOW.....for the umpteenth time this year....despite one nicer evening among my healers group earlier this week. And ironically, this developed from something that transpired between me and my H....who was definitely not evidencing "sincere love and attention" (as yours obviously had), nor much of any understanding. (it turns out pretty much everything I've tried to educate him in about grief was never really taken to heart) In fact, this was followed up by an offer to take us BOTH into the garage and turn on the exhaust, to make my wish come true. How am I to deal with all of this, if this is what I have to work with???? So no, I just can't feel that there's anything of REAL value left to live for, or any tangible purpose to my existence here. Is it any wonder the thought of possibly being surrounded by all that heavenly love, rather than this hell and torment on earth, is so appealing? Even during all the pain my girl must have been dealing with herself, she never would have, or did, treat me even a smidgeon as harshly or callously as all these people have been known to do, on more than one occasion. I'm just going through the motions, without even knowing why I bother anymore.

And when I told another friend I couldn't do her the favour she wanted out of me that same day because I wanted to DIE, and just COULDN'T do this favour, it took her a whole day to call me back, and then she could only spare a mere 10 minutes for me. I give up.

In fact, I've even wondered why I even post anymore, since the only change that seems to happen in my personal circle of people is for the worse, not the better, and there IS nothing that anyone who does care (folks who ARE good people, but who I'll never meet or live close to) can do about it. Oh, but actually, that's not even true. I did meet someone on another board, and one other I took a teleclass with, who both actually live pretty close to me....but even they didn't wish to meet me, while others on this other board who I was talking to would have given their eye teeth to have an opportunity like this! So I suppose I post in desperation, as if something will help this despair, somehow. But if I died today, I'd be so much happier, or at the very least, I'd no longer have any consciousness to have to endure....either way, some form of end to this sorrow.

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa

I have been away for awhile. I am so very sorry that your pain is so heavy. You loved Nissa so very much.

I have to Thank You for your help with my dear Arthur, but I have to finally let you know that he lost his battle to a liver shunt, last Dec.

Anyway I am going to try to be around more now.

Hugs to you, Debbie

[Maylissa]

Hi Debbie!

It's been so long and it's good to see you back here again.

Yes, I love my girl to the ends of the cosmos and beyond, and that only grows each day - that's not changed from how it always was.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your sweet Arthur. I take it then that they finally figured out what was going on, and then did an operation?...you don't have to answer this if you're not up to it. It's never, ever enough time with our babies, but I'm glad that he was able to stay with you for even that much longer after he initially became ill. I'm sure this was in no small part due to the all loving care you gave him. But it's never long enough, I know, especially when, like me, you've also lost too many loved ones already.

I was going to post the rest of this separately, but it strikes me that some of this may help you, too, so I'll just include it here.

I managed to talk to someone I met earlier this year (in my healing classes), who'd actually died during an operation a few short years ago.....and insisted on coming back to this plane to do more work here! (he says he's very stubborn....and there WAS an 'argument'! ) He reassured me that our loved ones ARE always, always still with us, even though we can't see them, and that they do indeed keep trying to help and support us in whatever ways they can. Often, they (and other helpers, too) try to get our attention in bigger ways, if we're still not 'listening'. His partner is also going through her own grieving, and she and I seem to be on the same page.....wishing to leave and join our beloveds, not feeling invested in this plane now, etc. Coincidence? I don't think so.

While I didn't get to hear enough about what it was like for him when he transitioned, or the knowledge he remembered from his time in the Light, it was a bit of a comfort being able to talk to someone who truly KNOWS what happens when we die. In essence, HIM I can really believe! He's not just some author I'll never meet who claims this and that. He's (once again) a flesh-and-blood person who really experienced his own transition, and returned to tell about it. I've waited a long time to actually meet someone like this and it was really nice of him to talk to me when I asked for his help. I'll be seeing more of him in our practice group, thankfully. One thing he said that helped the most was that there are many other people who would LOVE to be as "advanced" as I am (he's convinced I am already ) in such matters, and I have to admit, that gave me a bit of hope....hope that it won't be as long as I currently imagine to become even more aware of these unseen realms....to seeing through that veil, so I can truly see and feel more like I'm really still with my kidlets, no matter what. At least, that's my dream.

He reminded me of some of the good experiences we'd had during our practice night just prior to this, where some spirit stood beside me and gently touched me on the arm 2 or 3x's, then stroked my hair in 2 places. It felt so absolutely real/earthly, it was mind-blowing. (and here I was at the time, only thinking I think I put a little bit too much hairspray on tonight!) The person I was working with also sensed a few "angelic beings" among us all during our work. It was a "crowded house", as someone said. I don't know (yet?) what form of healing I received that night, but I trust there was something healing that was given, and received. Like anything, it's all a part of that bigger picture we can't always see, I guess.

He also mentioned that Sept.18 was apparently supposed to be another one of these energetic shift-upward days, globally, and that a LOT of people lately have been all up-in-arms and unsettled because of it. He gave me some things to read each day to try and heighten my thoughts, so that we can all benefit more from this shift. I didn't do too well with this (yesterday), so could only practice compassion for myself and how I was feeling....better than nothing, I suppose.

Very, very strangely, too, the same day I chatted with this man, I also received a package in the mail....a package I'd previously been waiting to receive way back in 2004, after my Mum and brother died. I'd given up LONG ago on ever getting this, and after what I'd been through with Nissa, I didn't even care anymore, anyway. And yet it arrived this same day. It contained the copies of some old, old pics of my Mum that my cousin had promised me time after time, yet had never delivered on! (turns out I actually have most of these particular ones already - ones my Mum gave me herself eons ago, many years before she died and the family albums were burnt by my dad) How odd, though. How very odd. She'll apparently be visiting both my remaining brother (the one who's taken everything that was left) and my father (in a home) soon....again, not that I even care anymore. My energy may still be connected to them, but my head and heart sure aren't!

I don't know what all of this means yet, but I'm sure I'll find out sooner or later. Until then, I remain with the only truly comforting thought I ever have these days ~ one LESS day until I can wholly be with my kids again.

[DoubleJo]

Maylissa; Why feel miserable and want to hurt yourself because of OTHER people? They wouldn't get it anyway. They are oblivious to how you and probably other people are really feeling about anything. It won't effect THEM, only you. They are not worth it. You are worth feeling happier and more satisfied. So I'll tell you what I have done. I have become more realistic and harder. I still wish people were different, but I'll be damned if I'll let other people dictate how I'll feel. Since they are all on the periphery of my life anyway, I will enjoy whatever decent company they bring to break up my day, but I still keep my eyes open for new receptive people because maybe that one is there somewhere. You are too valuable to let others bring you down when they probably don't even know they're doing it. They don't want to deal with how you feel because they can barely deal with themselves. (everyones 'so "stressed" nowadays over petty things).

BY the way: I had written a little while ago about the 2 15 year old tiels I have of my late husbands; the one dying. Well, Fred was calling and calling. I decided to get him a new mate, but it didn't have to be sociable to people, just for Freds' company. Well, I went looking for a girlfriend for Fred but I found a sweetheart for myself, a 4 month old sweet female who adores me. I call her mushroom because she popped up overnight like a mushroom after too much rain and surprised me. You never know what happens another day. Fred is thrilled he has a new girlfriend and preens and struts

and sings all his sounds to her. Take care- Doublejo

[Maylissa]

DoubleJo,

That's the funny thing about this - I do think I'm worth more than this half-hearted treatment, but between trying to follow the sage advice from 2 ideas, it still isn't working out the way it's 'supposed' to. For one, 'they've' always said that other people only think you're worth something if you think you are first. Supposedly, once you carry that mind-set around, others will follow your lead. Secondly, the Law of Attraction is what ultimately makes this theory work, since, in a nutshell, you will create the conditions, people, events, etc. that you desire and focus upon. Well, heck! I couldn't have been wanting, and for the most part fully expecting people to rally 'round more than I did! (at least I did in the first few months) "Any day now" became my mantra....and yet, it didn't work as expected. So what the....?????? I'm truly puzzled as to why this didn't manifest when I was sitting there expecting the phone to ring, or plans to be fulfilled, feeling so certain that people would come around or show up for me, especially if I didn't stop reaching out in whatever ways. So now I'm more than annoyed!

I know I shouldn't let others' fears, self-centeredness, selfishness or ignorance hurt me and I should become more of a hard (or hardened) realist, as you put it. But all along I've been trying to change those inner tapes from my past that said things like "the world is a terrible, scary, lonely place", "people suck", and the like (the same tapes I've heard other people use, too)....change them to solid beliefs of abundance, safety, love, all that good stuff. I've been trying to change a whole world paradigm inside. This is a heckuva tall order, I know, to try and fill whilst one is also grieving, but it just seemed necessary to attempt if I was to come out of this alive and with something left to live for....so I was trying my best. Now I just feel like my best is NEVER going to be enough to get me what I want. (and aren't we SUPPOSED to "go for" what's most important in this world? and isn't honest, healthy, fun relationships with others one of THE most important things?) All this has ended up doing, so far, is setting even harder in stone all those old tapes! And I really resent that, after how hard I was trying! That's also part of the reason I'm just so dog-tired with everything. It's been a really emotionally draining period of time and took a LOT of my energy....just to seemingly fail anyway.

I feel like nothing more than a naive fool half the time now, for having tried to believe in the goodness of others. And I also get so mad at my Source now, for making me go through such inner turmoil, just to deny me still what I've been after for way too many years already! UGH!! And yet I just don't know if I can afford, anymore to resign myself to living with such a sad outlook on life and the world, or steeling myself against it. This is just no way to live and it's a bitter irony after all the younger years when I was too darn shy and fearful to even talk comfortably with most people.

I certainly didn't expect to be #1 in any of these people's lives, but somewhere among the top 10 with some, or even just one of them, would have been nice. After all, some of them were the ones who told me straight-out that people they'd thought were closer, or more dependable, didn't do as much for them as I'd done for them. So ya'd think I'd be somewhere in their radar more often. Failing that, new friends would have also been just fine by me. But I just don't want to keep waiting and waiting for them to show up, and becoming more and more despondent when no one does.

And all along, I've failed to mention the dozens of people we'd known from all of our dancing days. Ever since one of them found out we were about to euthanise our girl and so couldn't attend their BBQ, they've all disappeared entirely, too. Gee, thanks so much. Half of my initial reason for taking dance classes was to hopefully find some new friends! And if you can't find anyone decent among literally hundreds of people in one place, well....

So far my most dependable source of comfort and some joy has still been......cats! (the 2 neighbourhood ones who dependably come around to see me...in fact, one is snoozing upstairs right now, on Nissa's window-seat! ) What's the message here???? FORGET those stoopid hoomans (as we used to call ourselves to our kids) and surround myself exclusively with animals? That doesn't seem to be balanced enough to be healthy, or something that my Creator would want for me, somehow.

You're right, though, about how so many people think.....I'm just fighting against it having to be this way because for so many others, it isn't like this! And I want to be one of them! I think I deserve to be, gosh darn it!

I'm soooo very pleased you've found someone new and feathery for BOTH Fred and yourself!! And your choice of names is too delicious! "Mushroom"!! That's too cute for words! If I can't be very happy about much else, I'm ALWAYS happy when I hear about furred or feathered ones finding a loving home with someone who will really appreciate them for who they are and those relationships they can help create! I'm so, so glad dear Fred won't be as lonely anymore! Congratulations!!

[eaglesoaring]

Thanks Maylissa

Arthur passed the night before his operation, it was very strange as I spent lots of time with him, telling him what was going to happen to him the next day. I was fully ready to lose him during the operation as it was so high risk, well he had his own plans, and passed during the night.

Amazing about your package :-)

I also had a near death during a operation when I was 21, and ever since then I have had no fear of dying, and sometimes I feel that it is a help when someone or something I love passes, it is only the real pain of being left behind, that hurts so dang bad. I do try to hold onto that each and everyone of them are in a better place, free from pain, and yes someday we all will be joined together again.

I know that Nissa will be waiting for you, as well as Arthur will be waiting for me. Gives me a great comfort anyway.

I am going to do my best to stay around this time :-) I need to.

Hugs, Debbie

[lorikelly]

Just want to say that Spankys one yr anniversary was on sat 9/22.We went to dinner and toasted our Spanky. Where did the time go. i still can't believe he is gone. I love his so. Lori

[Maylissa]

For some reason, I'm suddenly not getting notifications of replies again, so have had to come physically checking every few days. ????

Debbie,

That's so 'fortunate' for you, and such a (mixed) blessing that Arthur spared both of you the added trauma of a final operation....I hope you know what I mean by this! You might be able to take comfort from believing that he left at his 'designated' time, and not from something 'outside' himself, or anything you might otherwise feel you'd done to hasten his departure. It's not that common anymore, it seems, for this kind of scenario to happen. At the very least, you don't have to live with the same kind of guilt that so many do, which is a GOOD thing in amongst all the usual pain of bereavement.

I'm so pleased to hear that you'd been busy preparing him for things to come, despite his not having to endure them after all. Just as most of us would do in respect to our human loved ones, animals, too, deserve and benefit from the same considerations. It validates their sentience and personal investment in their own lives, and can help prepare them for whatever circumstances will impact them directly or indirectly. So I think it was a high mark of respect, honour and love, that you did this for him, and I applaud you for that. I'm supposing that he knew, with his innate, unsevered connection to his Source, that the operation wouldn't have been in his highest good, and so he peacefully left, with you, his own beloved one, right there for him and in the familiar and loved surroundings of his home. What a gift, to go like this, when many of us, both human and animal, never get that option.

I'd also love to hear more about your NDE if you're comfortable talking about it to others (or you could PM me privately if that's any better for you). I truly believe, with all the 'cosmic' waves of expansion that seem to be heightening our spiritual evolution in the last while, the world is readier (and many times most eager!!) to open ourselves to these kinds of teachings from those who CAN speak with 'authority' about such experiences. I know I'm totally thirsty for such stories of comfort, as are many, many others who have been forced to contemplate 'death' and all its related questions. Many of us just HAVE to know, whatever way we can, short of having (or being so lucky to have?) an NDE for ourselves. I know many who've had them say they can't really describe much of what happened, because it's so far beyond mere language, but I'm always encouraging them to TRY, for all our sakes!

So please forgive me, but now I MUST ask: Do you really KNOW, as in NO doubt at all in your mind and heart, that "we all will be joined together again"? And if so, HOW is it that you know this, exactly? While I can truly believe from experience that consciousness survives physical death, I can't state the same, FULL KNOWINGNESS about being reunited with loved ones, despite having a belief (there's a telling difference) that this is so. (in my darker hours this niggly bit of doubt is, of course, amplified) I have worries about any personal experience of "Heaven", or whatever you want to call it, being affected/altered/even tainted by one's thoughts, expectations &/or fears and doubts. In other words, do we create what we go on to, or is that too far beyond our capability to possibly alter what is REAL? (again, hope you know what I'm asking) I don't know if you can even answer such questions, but better that I ask anyway!

And I guess I'm also missing that sense of "need" to stick around. (see my recent post on "A Mini-Tribute to Pets")

Although, again interestingly, I'd just been thinking about one woman in particular from that dance community we'd been a part of (hence my reference to this before) this last Sat.........and the same woman called us, out of the blue, to invite us to a B-Day party she's planned for another woman from the same group! She said I must be psychic, and I had to laugh, knowing we ALL are! But at least this was confirmation for me that these abilities are still being heightened in myself, thankfully. After some weighing of pros and cons, my H and I had decided to go, despite our reservations of running into some, or even many, insensitive types there. Turns out though, that the woman who invited us had also had some major upheavals in her life in the last 1.5 yrs, and at least SHE understood where I'm at, and vice versa....thank God. I think we both breathed a sigh of relief on that account. Anyway, after hearing about her own trials and actually being able to SHARE a bit back and forth, it all seemed far too serendipitous to NOT go....in fact, she expressed this sentiment even before I did, which only heightened that feeling for me. I'm just lowering my expectations down to near-nil, though, and will try my best to go into this with nothing more than an air of quiet WAITING, to see WHY I've been directed to this affair.

Lori,

Oh, Lori....I'm so sorry it's now been a year for you, too. (hey, Marty.....maybe we need an ANNIVERSARY notice, rather than just a BIRTHDAY notice for members at the bottom of the home page! ) I'm sorry I missed sending you a PM on the 22nd. It's just that I was too caught up all wknd. in focusing on the next day, the 23rd, being Nissa's One Year, One Month date. (it seems like every day beyond that One Year has been just as difficult, for me at least)

I'm glad you toasted Spanky, for all he meant and still means to you. I'm SURE he received this blessing and your feelings of love, just as he was most likely sitting right beside you, thumping his tail with just as much love BACK to you, and appreciating never, ever being left out of your thoughts and heart.

I think I know what you mean by your words.....it's so overwhelming at times, especially on these special dates, that what can one really SAY to express all those feelings?! These year marks are just the worst, though!! I wish I had more words of comfort for you, but all I know is nothing would have helped me on that date....short of a full-blown visitation from my girl, and that didn't happen....so I'm at a loss. But I DO offer my understanding of how impossible it seems that Time can just callously go on, at an ever-increasing pace it seems (many people around the world are experiencing this, btw, even w/o contending with grief at the same time), and how we just want it to STOP, especially before we hit those One Year dates!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also just realized.....one year and one month for Nissa = 13 months.....so in tribute and loving memory to my guy, Nissa's brother, my other soulmate as well.....yes, Boo-Boo, my Spudbud and ever-loyal boy, I still miss you and love you, too. (Sabin was 13 when he left, he's forevermore been sending me his signature sign (his age) ever since then, and has also been way UP there in sending me signs from himself in the last while....I think he's planning something, but I don't know just what yet....)

Also, when I checked my cat-calendar on the 23rd, I almost fell over. On wknds, they do 2 pics on one page of the calendar. These were both silhouette pics, and were entitled "Shadow Cats". I often called Nissa my Shadow Girl. On the 22nd's, the pic of this cat looked EXACTLY like MY little girl sitting in profile! (not common, as Nissa had a pretty distinctive shape and size) I could even make out the one EYE of this cat, and it was exactly the same shape as Nissa's. And on the 23rd's, that cat looked, also in profile, JUST like Sabin! So I think, given the 13th month correlation, that BOTH of them got together on this latest sign, God bless their furry, loving and ever-so-generous souls!!! How I LOVE my little kidlets .....and miss them both too much for words.

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa

I will be happy to tell you about my near death, when I have a bit more time, I am getting ready to go away for the first time in 12 years!!!

I did want to tell you this part before I go, I had a dog named puppy when I was a child that I loved so very much, she was taken from me by a very violent man, and went with a horrific death, for years after I had terrible nightmares about all this, well during my near death I saw her, she looked beautiful, restored, and at peace. Words cant tell you how much peace this left me with, my nightmares went away and I was able to be at peace over what happened knowing that she was fine, and that someday I will be with her again. This also allowed me to go and get another pet, where before I would not allow myself to do so.

In 1987 I lost my two best friends, my horse Cameo, and my best friend Jackie, well about a month later, I laid down and had not yet gone to sleep when the next thing I knew I am riding my horse Cameo, and I look over and there is Jackie riding her horse, that had just passed over.

Between these two things I am more then sure that even the spirit of our beloved animals still go on!!!!!

Hugs my friend, Debbie

[Maylissa]

Oh, Debbie....thank you sooooo very much!!! ...for both your generous offer to talk more about your NDE and for these stories to tide me over in the meantime!! This kind of thing is GOLD to me! I'm sitting here in tears of gratitude over this.

Before I go on, I'd like to say that it's great that you're getting away! I hadn't traveled anywhere strictly for some R&R in about 15 years, either, when our kidlets were here, so I know how taxing that can be on a person. I do hope it will be a well-deserved vacation for you! Mine, this summer, wasn't as good as I'd hoped, mainly because of some unrealized hopes and plans, and also because I became very ill for the whole second week! So I hope yours works out MUCH better than mine did! And if not, at least you'll have me to commiserate with!

After reading about Puppy, I sit here wondering if that was one of the reasons you ended up having an NDE....to experience a great healing around her horrific death and its understandable after-effects on you. (and you have no idea how furious I am over the complete waste of space - I'm being extremely 'proper' and generous here! - who did that to her!!! ) It is SO wonderful that you've had this encounter to carry with you since then. I honestly can't imagine what other kind of experience, other than an NDE or other very tangible visitation, could ever help to resolve such trauma within.

The experience you had with Cameo, Jackie and her horse sounds a lot like astral travel....something else I've never been fortunate enough to

have happen! (dang!) You have truly been blessed, despite your griefs.

One thing I'd not yet asked this fellow practitioner who'd died, was exactly HOW he knew we get to actually reunite with our loved ones. So when you're back, perhaps you could explain that to me? I seem to have some sort of 'disconnect' in faith there, thinking that even though I do believe our energy never dies, but only changes form, that alone doesn't guarantee we'll be getting to not only reunite but STAY with our loved ones afterwards, for as long as we wish...even if we go off to additionally do other things as well while in spirit. I also worry and fret about what happens if any of our loved ones has already incarnated back here, or even somewhere else, again! THEN what?!?! (since I believe this is an option, if not a requisite) I have terrible worries that, for all I now know, I'll see my kidlets as I arrive, as part of my 'greeting party', and that will be IT! I'll then be whisked away to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do there! AAAeeeeehhhh!! I know this may sound silly and irrational, and on one level I can't believe that would be the case, but the nagging fear is there regardless.

On a more positive note, the party we attended this last wknd. was okay, although not as 'intimate' as I'd hoped for. As we'd more than half expected, yes, I had to suffer with insensitive 'advice' about Nissa's death from one guy we know. On the up-side, while my H was going to say something to him about how unhelpful to me his attitude was, before he got the chance, this man actually apologized for his remarks....first to my H, then separately to me. That's a real FIRST in my world! While he still didn't really understand, at least I could appreciate his gesture to try and smooth things over.

I'm still not sure just why I was guided to attend, but it might have more to do with what happened afterwards, when we got home (and possibly future events yet unknown). As my H unpacked our bag of party supplies, he'd thought I'd put a little something extra in this bag. When I saw it sitting on our counter, I thought he'd done the same. It turns out, neither of us know how this object got in our bag. Nissa has been fond of sending me pink balls, which to me symbolize both her energy and the pink 'energy balls' I'd surround her with before I left the house at any time...as well as symbolizing our "great, big, pink, fuzzy hearts and love" for each other, as I used to always say to her. Well....what we found in our bag, even though neither of us had really noticed any in the party hall we'd been in that night....was a big, pink balloon!! I got the impression, as soon as I looked at it, that Nissa had been grateful that we'd been sticking up for her status in our hearts and in our family, and wanted to let me know, once again, that she was around, watching and caring about me and our relationship. I'd also had an involuntary telepathic conversation with her one day many years ago, after her brother had passed. In this impromptu communication, she requested that when SHE passed, she'd like.....PINK balloons for her service! Since I'd never even thought about what colours of balloons I'd get for her, and more than likely would have imagined silver ones (to match her silvery-grey fur), this was a complete surprise to me, which is most often a sign that you've heard something correctly. At that moment, I realized how utterly appropriate and symbolic her idea was! So this little gift of hers has even more meaning to me....bless her "little grey smartie" soul!

While these signs of her vigilance and presence are always so welcome and comforting, it's still not the same as those experiences that involve an absolute KNOWING right off the bat. Because I feel I need this so badly, I'm looking into IADC treatments (Induced After Death Communication) for myself....if I can ever get around to finishing my search for trained therapists I could travel to see! Clients (and therapists) who've experienced this new and powerful method of healing grief say it IS indeed a real, full-blown visit with loved ones (one can even ask whatever questions one needs to, and have conversations, and even receive info. one wouldn't have known otherwise - been verified later on), and just as your NDE did for you, these encounters can completely heal grief immediately, and apparently so far the healing has total staying power. They say that about 80% of clients have an ADC....pretty good odds for so little therapy time! Beats years of normal types of therapy, I say. If I ever get to actually avail myself of this and it works, I'll be posting the info. ASAP!

Anyway, have a wonderful trip away, and I look very forward to chatting with you some more when you've got more time! And thanks again for sharing such wonderful, inspiring stories! This means SO much to me!

Many hugs back,

Maylissa