It Has Been 6 Years

[sad in New Orleans]

I am a new member and I am hoping that y'all can help me.

I lost Dan six years ago this past May 17. He was only 20 years old. We had been together for 7 years. We were young but I knew that he was my true soulmate. Dan died because of hospital negligence. He went in for routine surgery and suffocated. I was there and witnessed the entire horrific event. I knew there was something wrong but the nurse kept telling us he was fine. I can't help but feel that I should have done more.

As I mentioned it has been 6 years and I have never regained...me. I never feel like myself. There is still this emptiness inside. A sadness that I feel will never let me move forward.

I do have someone now. He is wonderful but I don't want him to think that I am some hopeless case and that he doesn't make me happy.

My mother tells me that I should be over it by now. I have to let it go. I'm not sure what that means. I can't just forget. I relive parts of those terrible 3 days in the hospital everyday...even now.

It has gotten better over the years. I have read some of the other entries from people who have lost someone within the last two years. I remember those times. I don't feel an overwhelming sadness every second of every day like I did back then. It is just this..hollow...hole. I can't seem to find joy in things anymore. I used to smile all the time and now I get people always asking me if I'm okay.

My home was in really bad shape after the storm. I had to replace everything. It was like reliving the death. There was so much loss and grief around me...it brought me back to THAT place. Sometimes I have so much anxiety over losing someone again. I don't know if I could deal with it.

I still haven't been able to go to church. I just can't. I am so angry...feel so betrayed. I don't want to talk to people about it because they don't understand. I tried a couple months ago to tell people I was depressed and they all say "Why? You have so much going for you. Don't feel that way." They don't understand that I am not just complaining.

Most of the people on here lost someone within the last two years and I wanted to know if there is anyone like me who has been in this situation longer. Have I just completely lost it? How do you let go?

[dpodesta]

Dear Sad,

Unfortunately it has been only a little over a year for me, however my wife and I were married for 12 years. So I know what it is like to lose you soul mate and wonder how to keep moving on through life. What I can suggest is to seek out a grief counsler or a grief support group. Find others who have gone as long as you have. If you have been reading the posts on this site then you know that everyone is different in how they deal with grief and how long it takes to recover.

As far as church, I understand. For the longest I wasn't able to even pray, I wondered how God could take away not only my wife but my 6 year old's mom. I have since then been able to accept that God know what he is doing. Looking back I can see somethings that would have happened if Karen were still alive and they would have been very difficult for her, granted we could have gotten through anything, I am glad that she didn't have to go through them.

Take baby steps, if you are a Christian just start by saying a small prayer even if that prayer is "God help me" there was more than one occassion where that was all I could do. Looking back now I can see where God carried me through and he will do the same for you. I will be praying for you and I hope you find the answers you are looking for. You have come to the right place.

Love Always

Derek

[ustwo]

I lost my angel 25 months ago. A friend of mine introduced me to Gene and knew that we were meant to be together......she was so right. She's been a friend of mine for nearly 35 years even though we've lived many miles apart for most of that time. She lost her dear husband nearly 12 years ago. Joanne and I have been through so much throughout our friendship that we can say anything to each other. My husband was a childhood friend of hers so she knew both of us very well when she introduced the two of us. Now years later both of us are alone...still close friends there for each other...honest and blunt with each other. I looked to her for what lay ahead in this journey and she told me......You'll always grieve but it will get easier. You'll always look to be happy but you'll never find that happiness you had with Gene again....not that kind of happiness but a different kind of happiness.(She added with someone else or alone..I did not want to hear that part).In time you will learn to be happy for yourself but it will be different and it will take a long time. I trust her wisdom and her words echo in my head everytime I find myself in a bad place. I know she is right. I watched her fighting with her husband to battle brain cancer, watched her loose her kind, wonderful husband (they were best man and bridesmaid at our wedding), listened to her grieve, and I can see she's reached peace through this journey. As she says...peace and happiness are two different things, peace brings a different happiness into our lives.

I live about 3 hours North of New Orleans with my family only 50 miles west of New Orleans. I know that Katrina devistated the medical community as well as everything else there. Some of us are strong enough to fight depression on our own and some of us need a little help through the worst of times. I know I fought off taking any medication for quite a while but I realized that I could not go on spiriling down the dark tunnel I was headed for with a family history of depression. I still had to be here for my children, my father (lost my mother and husband in 2005). I cannot imagine loosing my soulmate and then having to fight the aftermath of Katrina without my love beside me. You've been able to realize that depression is setting in. Can you find a physician to talk to about it? Please do what you need to to take care of yourself. There is no time limit on grief. I am sorry you are in pain.

There is hope for peace.

Always Gene!

Always!

[MartyT]

Evelyn, dear ~ I do not mean to interrupt what is being discussed here, but I just wanted to thank you. Your post is filled with the wisdom that comes from experience, and I am grateful that you took the time to share it with all of us.

P.S. It's so nice to hear from you again

[Trudy1964]

Dear Sad,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my Mom not a husband or wife. I'm sure there are differences but I can tell you it has been hell. I have friends who tell me after 10-15 years, there is still such a big whole in their hearts. Loosing someone you love is a life changing event. I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was a year ago.

I live 1.5 hours southwest of New Orleans. We were spared the ravages of Katrina. I don't think anyone who had to live through that could not get depressed. I have family living in Marero and Westwego who had damage. Watching them go through the heartache the first few days of not knowing was gut wrentching. They were staying with us while they awaited news. Loosing a house and all your personal belongings is like mourning another part of your life.

As far as the medicine, I didn't want to take it at first. But the black tunnel I was traveling in got deeper and deeper. I got to a point where the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed. I almost took a leave from work because I just didn't not want to get out of bed anymore. Also, this site helped me to understand that I wasn't crazy. It let me know that everyone grieves on their own time schedule. There's no right or wrong about sadness. No one should tell you "You should be over it by now", unless they have walked in your shoes.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[kayc]

Dear Sad,

Always grant yourself the right to grieve, it is yours...those who have not experienced this cannot begin to comprehend what it is to go through. And even if they did, we need to recognize that everyone's experience is different, and that is right and okay too.

Someone telling you that you should be over it by now is not helping...they are discounting your feelings, your experience. Please counter by telling them so and telling them it IS your experience, your feelings, and they have the right to say something when they've been through it.

I'm glad you have someone wonderful in your life now. No, it won't be the same. What you shared with your love is not here anymore, yet you will never forget, you'll carry it in your heart, always. Draw from the inner strength of knowing that his love is with you at all times, you just aren't able to connect with him verbally like you once did...but it is perfectly okay for you to express yourself to him all the same...talk or write, who knows whether they might hear?

There is so much we don't know about this realm.

Let yourself feel the new joys of today, even though they're different, even though a part of you will always feel the loss...that doesn't make today's joy any less. I echo Evelyn's words, please talk with a doctor, continual depression is hard to do on your own. I have situational depression but feel it is mild enough and temporary enough that I'll be able to get through it, but if not, then I'll go on something the rest of my life if I have to in order to get through this. My mom lost my dad over 25 years ago and she still misses him and feels lonely. Some of our dreams died the day they did, it's up to us to try to find a new dream...it won't replace it, not by any means, but perhaps it'll help take some of the slack?

As for church and God, don't worry about it, God has big enough shoulders to handle your being mad at Him and He understands. I have a hard time with that too and I had (previously) gone to church and prayed, read the Bible all my life. I don't think this is uncommon.

[sad in New Orleans]

As I mentioned in my post, I am a new member. I just want to thank y'all for the responses. It makes a huge difference to know that there are people out there who really do understand. It helps to know that I have "a place" now.

Thank you thank you!

[Gods Princess]

Dear Sad.

I am in my 5th year and doing well.

I can only share with you what has been my experience and what made the difference to me. I can honestly say that I know exactly what you mean about that hollow feeling that just won't shift no matter what you do. ii was like this only 12 months ago and thought this 'Flamin' grief will never let go. I beacme a Christian in September 2006 hoping God would help me, and in November had a very real experience with God. I was more than stunned by this. Not having a relationship with God before gave me clarity to the difference it can make once you find Him. I can honestly say that turning to a Christian faith has healed that 'hollow spot' in me and i cant tell you how grateful I am. I guess it has made me a bit of a Jesus Freak but i am so grateful for the help from above I just can't help it.

I guess my heart want to say to you , dont turn away from the the most powerful source that can tuely make the biggest difference. I have seen so many peoples lives tranformed through leaning hard into God.

I hope people in here understand that I only offer my story because it is the most important experience that has made the difference between being captured by sorrow and being freed from it. I certainly gave me a second chance at life.

I will pray for you