How Do I Get Through This

[Pamm]

Hi I just found this grief list through google. I lost my fiancee two weeks ago today. We were to be married on August 11th. He was coming down to pick me and my boys up as we were moving to where he lived. We have been in the process of moving things up over the last 6 months. My house was sold, we were buying a house up there. I just feel like my whole world has been ripped out from under me. Most days it is a stuggle to get out of bed and go forward. I have two young boys that depend on me so I just keep going. Most days I feel like a zombie. I still can't believe he's gone. I talked to him on the phone just about an hour before he died. He was busy running around getting last minute things done for us the next thing I know his stepmom is calling me telling me he is gone. He has a massive heart attack and there was nothing they could do to bring him back. For days I would wake up and think it must be a dream he can't be gone. Please tell me where I can get help with this. I can't bear the pain at times, I can't breath, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because i just think of him. I'm so tired of people telling me it will be ok and things happen for a reason. I don't understand why God would bring us together and then rip him from my boys and I like that. Please any ideas you have

Thanks

Pamm

[karenb]

Well, you have come to a place where everyone is going through the same feelings as you are. What a tragic thing for you and your family. There is very little anyone can say or do to make you feel better right now....just know that it will take some time, no matter what anybody says. Go with your feelings, take care of your family and just try to cope with each day, hour, minute the best you can. One good thing is your little family and that, no doubt, will keep you busy. Try to be in the company of supportive people. Sometimes the things they say seem just plain wrong but I'm sure they mean well. My husband has been gone for almost two years and I still miss and love him and have occasional "melt downs" where I'll just cry and feel bad again. It lessens with time but this is something that you'll never forget but just get used to. I am so sorry for your loss. Please let us all know how you're doing and take one day at a time. Take care.

KarenB

[LarrysGirl]

Pamm, I'm so sorry about this tragic loss. You are asking how to survive this and I'm so glad you found this particular grief site. Here are a group of wonderful people, who like you, are grieving the loss of their spouse or partner. You are very early in the grief journey and being overwhelmed is normal. Try to find a support group or counselor that specializes in grief. I hope you have friends or family that will help. Some of us have not been too fortunate with that. I hope you will have better luck. Your children will be a very important part in your experience getting thru all of this. I hope you will read others posts and see we are all just trying to make it thru a moment at a time. You will probably find this site to be one of your most important sources of information and support. We will listen and share. Deborah

[lyn]

Dear Pamm,

I truly understand how u are feeling right now. We have almost the same story, my eyes are filled with tears and sadness as i read this..all the memories came flashing back all over again. It hurts so bad. It is my 3rd week now, and it is not getting better for me. Everyday, it feels like im walking in a fog, sometimes, i feel too numb to feel anything, but most of the time the pain is too unbearable that i often wish i died with him. I have asked too many 'whys'..but still i couldnt find the answer. His death is so sudden, i feel so broken, so lost, and hurting too much. I still couldnt accept that he is gone.

Please take good care of yourself, i know it is hard if you are hurting so much, but we have too. I am angry with God, yet it is my faith that keeps me going through this deepest sorrow now for i know someday we will be together again.

[dpodesta]

Pamm,

Know that what you are feeling is normal, and believe me everyone on the site can relate to the "Everything will be ok" speech. Do some more research on the web there are a lot of grief support groups that meet.You might try one avenue, here in Texas there is a place called the WARM Place they have a web site, I can't remember what it is but Google should be able to find it. Give them a call and they might be able to help you find a place in your area. The WARM place works with families in our situations, where a spouse/parent has died and the kids meet in age specific groups while all of the parents meet together. It has been a big help to me and my 8 year old son.

As far as not understanding why God would bring the two of you together then just rip you apart, a lot of us here have asked the same question. I has been a little over a year for me now and I have come to the acceptance that God does know what he is doing and there is a good reason for it, we jsut may never know the reason. I have seen some things in my life that have gone on that I am glad that my wife did not have to go through and they would have happened if she were here or not here. Just remember this God is with you, he is carrying you through this, it is ok to be mad at him, he can take it. I found that I could not pray to God for awhile after Karen died, but as time went on there were nights that it was all I could do to just say "God help Me". Just keep coming and keep posting and someone will be here for you. I foound this site by accident like you, I was looking for information on grief and came accross this site. You are taking the right steps, you realize you are grieving and you are seeking ways to help you through it. You are on the road to recovery, it takes some people a year or more before they realize they need help, you have done that in just two weeks. You are doing good.

Love always

Derek

[sad in New Orleans]

Hey Pamm- I am new to this site and I have to tell you that it has made such a difference for me in these past two days to know that there are people out there who know what this is like. I remember, and sometimes I still shudder, when people say "there is a reason", "things will be okay", "it will get easier"...etc. I can say that you will never forget and it will never be okay but the pain does get more manageable. The first year is extremely tough. You have to get through all of those "firsts" without him. It really does help to talk to someone. It helps to take medication...just to take the edge off. I took medication for about a year until I felt that I was really ready to face the pain. I went off the meds and let myself feel. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was also the best thing I felt, and still feel, for me. I let myself cry and cry. I screamed into my pillow. I looked at pictures and listened to songs that reminded me of him. I took long drives to nowhere by myself. and cried. I live in New Orleans and had just turned twenty one that same year (my 21st birthday was the infamous Sept 11) so I spent a lot of time drinking (for better or worse).

I eventually came out of this extreme but I know now that it was so important to let myself experience my emotions and learn how to deal.

I remember seeking out anyone who could give me advice. Psychologists, psychiatrists, people who had lost loved ones, priests, anyone! I wanted someone to say something that would be my "a-ha" moment. I wanted answers. I still haven't found them. The understanding part is something that you have to figure out. I am still mad at God and that's okay. I haven't given up on Him though. I still believe that someday he will soothe my aching heart.

I am not going to say that it's okay now. Six years later, I still cry when I think of him. Some days I can let myself feel the sadness and let it pass. Other days I cannot and I cry and cry. I still miss him like crazy. I still don't understand why this happened. You will make yourself crazy wondering why.

I don't have any memories of that awful year except for the ones that involve that horrible day. I think that maybe I block it out because it is so painful. I guess that is a good thing. I just wanted to share part of my experience with you and let you know you have come to the right place. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[missingcharlie]

Pamm - I, too, am so sorry for your loss!! As you have read, we all understand how you are feeling. I know that doesn't make it any better, but knowing you're not the only one that has felt what you are feeling should help some. It's going to be a long tough journey - WE are here to help you get through this as best we can. Take one minute at a time - don't push yourself. You need to be there for your children and remember that they are there for you, too.

The loss of my beloved husband, Charlie, was not totally unexpected. He had cancer, so we knew it was inevitable, but that being said doesn't make it any easier. He's been gone a little over 2 1/2 years, now, and I still miss him terribly! I'm going thru some financial hardships right now and what I would give to have him here to talk with....but I don't and I will just have to get thru this myself. He's still "around", so I DO talk with him, but a big hug from him would sure make me feel better.

As far as what people say; you can't expect them to know what you are going through. No one does unless they have experienced it. They don't know what else to say, but that "it will be OK" and that "things happen for a reason". They don't know how to help you and they haven't been down "our" road. I can promise you that someday it will be easier. Right now you can't imagine that, I know. I know that none of us understand why our loved ones were ripped away from us. I wish I could be with you to comfort you and give you a hug...we ALL do!!!!

You can ALWAYS come here to talk or cry or scream or whatever you feel you need to do. WE will understand - I promise. Please...take one moment at a time. That's all you can handle now. Don't let others tell you how to behave or what to think...remember, they don't "get it".

We are sorry that you HAD to find us, but we ARE glad that you did. It's a wonderful group of people and I would have to say that we have all been a comfort to each other. You can talk about anything with us.

HUGE ciber hugs to you and your children! We hope you will come back and talk with us soon.

Patti

[kayc]

Oh Pamm, My heart really goes out to you, I can feel your pain...it is a pain I remember so well. My husband and I were so in love and happy and he'd just had his 51st birthday and he suddenly died of a heart attack. I remember the shock, the intense pain that is so intense it is deafening. My income was cut in half overnight and the massive bills that came pouring in from the hospital, ambulance, and doctors was overwhelming. I will say this, you will get through this, although it will not be easy, you will make it. We will be your support system. Whenever you need anyone who understands or your heart is bursting and you need to get the "stuff" out, just come on line here and post, we will be listening. We care, we've been there, we are all in some stage of grief. I wish I could tell you it goes away, but I've come to terms with the fact that it is rather that I now have a "new normal", but I WILL say that it does get better with time. You always miss them, but you gradually adjust to the changes it brought. It all takes time, a lot of time.

You have the added situation of having children to take care of and having been in the process of moving. Like all of us, you feel your dreams were dashed and hope was gone overnight. It will be up to you, eventually, to create something new of your life, but you have time for that, right now it is just getting through the day. Someone once told me to not think about the whole future all at once, but to just get through this day, this hour, this moment. That helped me a lot so that when the thoughts came to me about being alone the rest of my life and no one to fix the leaky faucet, no one to spend holidays with, no one to notice the new dress I wear, it seemed unbearable so I would stop those thoughts and concentrate on the here and now. It's called the stop thought process, it works with criminals wanting to reform, but I've found it also works with grievers or anyone trying to overcome depression.

You will need to allow yourself the right to grieve and with that comes being assertive enough to stand up to people who try to run your life or tell you you need to move on. They don't understand, they're trying to help, but rather than it helping, it devalues your feelings and right now especially, your feelings need to be given tribute and it'll be up to you to state them. Seek out those who are positive and supportive and for now, avoid anyone who is negative or non supportive. You will need to protect yourself for a time. Anytime you want to talk, we're here, and we care.

As has already been said, it is very normal to feel mad at God, and that's okay. He has big shoulders, he can take it. I don't understand the reasons why, we can speculate further down the road but still may never know. I have come to accept that God knows what I do not and cannot understand. Feeling angry is very normal. Everything you are feeling is right on and normal. I am sorry, Pamm, so sorry.

Edited July 13, 2007 by kayc