Grieving The Loss Of My Daughter

[chandrasmom]

I found this forum while searching for something, anything, to make the pain stop. My daughter Chandra died Feb. 9 just a couple weeks before her 37th birthday. She had been fighting cancer for 2-1/2 years, so for her I think death was a reprieve from the hell she had been experiencing. Now we must live through the hell of losing her.

I've been reading your posts and find comfort in knowing that other parents are going through the same range of emotions. There are times when I feel like I am going crazy. I can't seem to remember things anymore. I have trouble focusing on anything. I can erupt in tears at the slightest provocation. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. Though I have been forcing myself to get out of the house more than I did for the first couple of months. I haven't been able to return to work. I just want to hole up in my house with my husband and my dogs.

I've been reading a lot about grief, so I know that this is normal. I also know that I can't let it go on forever. My brother suggested recently that I "move on". To me, as to someone else who posted here, that means letting go and forgetting. I believe I will eventually return to a somewhat "normal" life, but I don't think I will ever "get over" what has happened.

I keep replaying the last few weeks of her life, wondering if there was something more I should have done or said. I took her to every doctor's appointment and every treatment; I lived with her the last few weeks; and I was there holding her hand when she died. I have nothing to regret. Except for the fact I couldn't save her.

[gyspy]

Dear Chandrasmom, I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling. I also lost my daughter march 2. She died in a car accident, was 31 years old and 8 1/2 months pregnant. This is definitly the hardest thing a parent will ever have to go through. I also replay the last few days of her live, wished i would have said more, hugged her more and told her how much i loved her and how proud of her i am. and wonder if there was anything i could have done to prevent this. Her boyfriend who was killed also, was driving the car, and she was planning on leaving him. I keep thinking if she would left him sooner, she would still be alive and what i could have done to get her out of the situation before now. I also cry at the top of the hat. She worked at a local grocery store. and i still cry everytime i go in there. I automatically look in the parking lot to see if her car is there everytime i go by the store. We just have to learn how to get through each day. I have better days then others. Some days i just dont want to go on, but then i also know christy wouldnt want us to be this sad and cry this much. In fact, the night she died, my son and i was sitting out on the deck around 4 am and he said that he felt her put her arms around him, told him she was safe and happy and for us not to cry. Well when he told me, there wasnt a breeze blowing at all, then my wind chimes starting chiming ever so softly. I feel like this was her telling us she was ok. Her and ricky was so close. Ricky stated he didnt lose his sister, he lost his best friend.

I hope you are doing better soon, I will remember you in my prayers.

Libby

[LoriS.]

Dear Chandrasmom and Gypsy, You are both in my thoughts and prayers. I have two daughters ages 25 and 21 and it scares me to no end that something tragic will happen to them before I die. My heart goes out to you both.

Take care...Lori

[chandrasmom]

Libby, I believe our loved ones send messages to let us know they are ok and that they are still around us. Those chimes ringing on a night with no breeze very likely were bringing you a message of comfort from your daughter. Losing her suddenly as you did must have been horrible. I have always been grateful that we had time to say the things that needed to be said, to show our love for one another and to prepare for the end (though you're never really prepared).

I think I've received a few messages from Chandra. One day during a meditation I saw her clearly. She was smiling and she gave me a hug and thanked me for taking such good care of her while she was sick. She said she was now well and happy and healthy. On another day I was creating a small memorial area for her in our yard. I had just planted flowers and stood back to look. I was wondering if Chandra would like what I had done when a butterfly landed on my left shoulder. I think she was letting me know she did like it. And, finally, I had just finished telling a friend that I worried I would never get my joy back when a dragonfly landed on my hand and stayed there.

Your daughter is around. Talk to her and listen for her answers.

Deborah

[karenb]

I am so unbelievable sorry for losing these children....they are the most important beings in our lives and we would do anything for them. I am so sorry and I know your pain is so great. I know it won't go away but over time it will lessen, with God's help. Again, all I can say is I am so sorry.

A mother, too.....Karen