Grieving Loss Of What Never Was - New Member

[Ramona]

Hello,

I came across this site while searching the internet for grief support. My mother passed away in late March and the journey since then has been very painful. I am 45 and my mother was 77.

I like a few others on this site did not have a relationship with my mother as I would have liked. My mother was undiagnosed mentally ill all of my life and then had incredible paranoia the last two years of her life. I know each of our stories is vastly different and yet the same. I am grieving what was, what never was and what will never be. I thought I had done quite a bit of therapeutic and spiritual work over the years to lessen the impact however what has surfaced are childhood emotions and memories that I had suppressed.

Ironically I can relate to many stories of others who had a strong relationship with their mothers. My sisters and I inherited a home of my mothers and they wanted to sell it immediately. I had such a hard time and was not ready to sell right away. I wanted to hold onto it. I was just not ready to let it go. I think because letting go of all of her stuff meant that she was truly gone and what was left were just my feelings and unresolved nature of what we didn't have. What would that make of the struggles I had my whole life mean? Nothing? It was equally hard going through her stuff and realizing what was left of her life. I cannot even imagine viewing the death certificate right now. Just writing about it is incredibly painful.

I am really angry right now which I understand is a natural part of the process. The pain is incredible and does not seem just, relative to the pain of our relationship over the years. I so want to surrender my feelings and my pain. I pray for peace to wash over me.

I would welcome conversation with anyone who would care to share in your experience and what you found supported you during your healing.

[MartyT]

My dear Ramona,

I'm so glad you found your way to this very special group of caring and compassionate people, and I've no doubt that in time, you will hear from one or more of our members who can personally relate to the experiences you describe.

In the meantime, I want to point you to some helpful resources I've listed on the Death that Brings Relief page of my Grief Healing Web site. One is an article that seems written just for you; the other two are books that I think are especially relevant to your situation. If you click on the book titles, you'll be taken to Amazon's detailed description and review of each.

[Ramona]

Hi Marty,

Thank you. I also received your e-mail. I appreciate your immediate reply.

Ramona

[LoriS.]

Hi Ramona, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I know how painful this is. I'm also so sorry about your relationship with your mom and all of your childhood issues. I'm sure it's very hard.

You've come to a great place to get your feelings out. The people on this site are so amazing and helpful. Everyone in one way or another "gets it" and understands all too well the pain that comes with death of a loved one.

Post anytime. Someone is usually around to listen!

Take care...Lori

[shell]

Ramona,

My sympathies for the loss of your mom. I lost mine last month and am still in shock. I was very close to my mom, but after my dad died (two and a half years ago) she fell apart and eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimers. The change in our relationship was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Sometimes she was almost "normal", but I just never felt as close to her after she got sick. So I can imagine how hard it must be to have never been close and all the feelings her death would bring about for you. I don't have any advice, except to go easy on yourself and let out all your emotions. Just let go and cry and get angry and scream....just feel and let it out. It will help you heal and hopefully bring you some peace. Hang in there.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[curlyredheads]

Hi Ramona,

I too lost my mom. It will be a year on August 1st. My mom and I were very close so I cannot relate to that aspect of your loss. However, I do know that this whole grieving process takes time. You will feel like you are on a roller coaster ride much of the time. Do take care of yourself and let the pain, tears, etc. come as they may.

Hugs,

Libby