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I Don't Know What To Say


shell

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Hi everyone,

Some of us (including myself) have complained that people don't always say the right thing to you after someone dies. They feel awkward or don't know what to say. I have the strangest problem lately. When someone tells me they heard about my mom, or I have to tell someone I haven't seen in awhile about her passing, and they say how sorry they are and I say "Thank you", I have know idea what to say after that. There's this really uncomfortable long pause, like neither of us knows what to say. So I usually start rambling on about something else, and that makes me feel like they will think I don't care or that I'm not making sense or something! Has anyone else experienced this and what did you say?

Hugs,

Shell

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Shell: After going through this with 2 husbands and both parents fairly recently, I've found that there is a pause no matter what your reply. I say "thank you, I appreciate that" when they express their sympathy. Then I change the subject by asking them about something else. I've found the person I'm speaking to doesn't know what is expected of them and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable with me. They are concerned about my reaction to such a sensative subject, like I might cry, etc. They feel relieved the awkwardness is over. It works for me and keeps the situation on a lighter tone from then on, and keeps the person from wanting to avoid me later on.

I hope this gives you an idea for yourself.

Doublejo

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Doublejo,

Thanks. That's basically what I do too, just say thanks and change the subject. It did teach me though that I shouldn't be so hard on people. Some people say offensive things, or offer no sympathies at all, and I find that unforgiveable, but I also realized that at least if they tried to say just anything half-way sympathetic, that I should be grateful. It is an uneasy situation I guess for both sides!

Hugs,

Shell

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Shell, I think we touched on this subject awhile ago. I think someone said it's like a movie reel in the back of our mind all the time, but when we're out there in the world, we're polite, say thankyou, pause and move on. It's like our own private thing. Any you're right...it's an useasy situation for both sides. I remember in the beginning, I felt in a fog about what to say, how much to say, etc. It also depends on who we're talking to. Sometimes I blurt out everything and sometimes a simple thankyou is enough.

Take care...Lori

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Lori,

Yeah, I think the privacy thing is involved somehow. It's almost like my mind just goes numb, but I'm still in the "can't believe it" stage and that is probably part of it too. And it does depend on who I'm talking to also. I just thought it was a sort of ironic twist that I've complained that people don't know what to say and then here I am NOT knowing what to say! Life is certainly strange....

Hugs,

Shell

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A little different situation, but still not knowing what to say.

After months of keeping my dad's friends from going to visit him, I have finally accepted the fact that these people care about my dad, some are long time friends and they need to be able to see him.So, I have encouraged visits. But, now for me...it's started a whole new set of problems...all their questions. Some of these people just don't quit, it's not like they are close family friends, some I have never met. I am amazed that they just keep after me for more info. I give very general info and assume they will notice I am not giving anymore.

I know that I will never ask anyone for more info on their ill loved one than they offer to tell me.It's not my business. I just don't know what to say to these people. A few of them I feel are nosy, not caring.

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Annie,

Sorry you have to go through all this. Sometimes doing the "right thing" seems to bring more pain for us! But, it does teach us along the way, doesn't it? If it gets too bad, maybe you can tell them it makes you too upset to talk about it in detail. If they get offended, that's their problem.

Hugs,

Shell

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Shell

I would just say thank you and than i would say how much i miss her and add something about her. for me that helped to talk about my mom. i want people to know her and it helped to talk to others about her. sometimes i would cry but i realized that was ok also. i don't care who likes it or who doesn't. just do your best and most of all be YOU. if someone doesn't want to listen then let them walk away, there will be someone to that will.

God Bless Lori

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