Didn't Think I'd Be Going Through This For Some Time...

[clrw]

My father passed away in January - and to say that it has been difficult to deal with may very well be the understatement of the century!

I suppose I should give some background...

I'm 24y/o, and married... my father was 53 when he passed away. I know I'm old enough to "be on my own" (and have been independent for quite some time), I just never imagined that I would be going through this so soon.

My father was a healthy man, his cholesterol was fine, blood pressure normal... he worked his butt off all his life to provide for his family - and suddenly (in front of his wife, and kids) he just goes down (for lack of a better term)... there wasn't a d*mn thing that we could do! I feel *so* cheated, my father will never get to know his grandkids (he'd been teasing us all for sometime that he wasn't getting any younger... and he'd like some grandkids soon)... he won't see my one brother get married... There are days where I see how much pain my mother is in, and I'd gladly trade places with dad... I just wish (at the very least) we could turn back time... that we'd know it was going to happen and we'd get him fixed up. We are a close family - always have been - but it almost feels as if the glue that held us together is gone... I don't know what to do without him... I feel so very lost & alone. Most of my friends don't understand how I'm feeling & don't get why I'm not "okay" yet... or why I seem different. I try to explain to them that I don't know if I'll ever be "okay" again & and that I am different! I don't know how to be that person again.

And not to be rude or disrespectful, but I do believe I've had enough of "you have to be strong for your mother", what about me? When do I get to feel the loss? I love mom with all my heart - and I will be there for in the best way I know how, but at the same time I can't deny how I feel... I know my loss is nothing compared to hers. I know that at the end of the day I have a loving husband to curl up to, and it shames me... but sometimes I think "what about me?" I was always a daddy's girl... and I am having a very hard time seeing how my life will be without him.

My MIL said something the other day (a month or two ago) that really just made my heart drop... I was telling her how it hurts so much to think of life without my daddy, and she told me that I do have a daddy... (my husbands dad) and I know it was well-meaning... and that she was trying to be comforting and thoughtful but all I thought was... "but he's not MY daddy!"

(wow I really did 'go on' there! I just want to close by mentioning that I have lurked on these forums for some time... there are some posts that just rip my heart out and I cry a bucket of tears, and there are some that make me smile & think of dad. I hope that by adding my story here, that someone else will be able to take comfort in what I'm going through, much like I have been comforted by what other's are going through - it is nice to know we're not alone)

[dpodesta]

While I don't know what you are going through as a person who has lost a parent, I do know what it is like to lose a wife at a young age, my wife died a little over a year ago when I was 36. Like you, I never expected to have to go through this at such a young age. What you have described is exactly what I felf after Karen died. Please know that you aren't alone. As far as the things that people say, you kind of have to learn to let them go in one ear and out the other. The people that say the things like "You have to be strong for your mother" and so on have never experienced death like you and I have. One thing that I have learned is that it is ok to show the emotions in front on your family it lets them know that it is ok to feel. It is the only way to get through this. You siad that you have done a lot of reading on this site, then I am sure that you have read that each one us recovers from grief in out own time frame. Just let your friends know that it is not something that occurs overnight. You said that you feel like your life is different now, the truth is that it is different. A death of a parent, spouse, child etc changes all of those involved, we will never be the same again we have to find the "new normal" time does heal, I am sur eyou have heard that one to, but I know for myself I am healing, will I ever be completely healed, probably not but I know now that as time goes on there will be less pain. I hopr that this has helped, and you are right, somewhere down the line someone will read your post and will get some help from it.

Love always

Derek

[clrw]

Thank you Derek - your kindness is... well touching & greatly appreciated. I am very sorry for your loss, but thankful for your understanding...

[shell]

clrw,

I'm so glad you finally posted. I'm sorry for your loss and what you are going through right now. I lost my dad two and a half years ago and my mom last month. I can't add much more to the wise advice Derek gave you. Don't feel guilty about the "What about me?" feeling. After my dad died, I had the same feelings sometimes. Everyone wanted to know how my mom was doing, like she was the only person who lost a loved one. And I would feel guilty too, because I didn't care that it centered on her and I loved her with all my heart, but sometimes I just wanted someone to show some concern for how I was doing. It's perfectly normal and doesn't mean you love your mom any less. Keep posting. Everyones story helps others.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lorikelly]

I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my mom in july of 06.. i don't think we are ever the same after something like this. i truely believe a part of me went with her when she went. i don't know if that is good or bad but that is the truth. our lives are forever changed.

what you are feeling is very normal. people will say the craziest things to you. someone asked me once when i was going to get over it and be normal again. i told her when her mother dies come see me b/c then she will understand. she shut up . i just ignore them and if i can't i just tell them what i think. i don't care anymore about hurting there feelings, if they were my friends they would think before they speak.

you have found a great place to come, please keep coming back it will help you alot.

Godl Bless Loro

[Haley]

clrw

I also have lost a parent and its is my MOM in 04/06 and it still hurts today I am still numb, but my brother gave me a phrase that I live by everyday

" GOD DOES NOT WANT s*** IN HEAVAN HE ONLY WANTS THE BEST " that why my MOM went up there I am a mom my self and think about how my kids would feel if I left them and no way no how and no will do but if it helps you just remember we are all here for you and each other

Just think that oyu and your MOM could be together helpping each other out together even if you sit and cry.

I know what you mean with people saying you have another parent I hear that all the time with my boyfriends MOM but you are right she is not my MOM and I am not going to replace my MOM not now not ever it jsut shows how rude people can be

Hang in the there

Haley

[LoriS.]

I am so sorry about your dad. It's a wierd feeling of being unsure of everything you knew to be true after a loved one dies. I'm sorry that he was so young and without any warning. I'm also so sorry that you are so young and have to deal with this at this time in your life.

Keep on posting. We're all here for you!

Take care...Lori

[clrw]

Shell, Loro, Haley & Lori -

I can't imagine saying that to someone "when are you going to get over it?", sometimes people mystify me in their inability to empathize. I'm not asking for them to understand how I feel, or to share my feelings... but I would some understanding that this is a difficult time for me. I have friends that I rarely talk to now, they just don't understand how to be supportive of me & I can't be bothered to try to make things work - because it feels to me as if they don't care.

I appreciate that I'm not the only one believing that there will have to be a new normal - it's weird to think that one point in my life can completely alter who I am!

And as for those that wonder when I'll get over it - I do try to explain that I spent 24yrs with my dad... (it was *just before my 24th birthday)... that's a lot of time/love&memories to just move on from...

I'm grateful for two things - we were there with dad, so he wasn't alone or with strangers - and I believe this will enable me to be more understanding when people I know go through a similar situation (I guess grateful might be too much of a word... I'd rather not understand their feelings & still have my dad, horrible? I know...) but I guess if any good could come of it, it eases the pain that some day I'll be able to help someone... because as everyone has said - unless you have experienced it, you don't have a clue.

Thank you for your kind words & understanding

[shell]

clrw,

I couldn't talk to anyone right after my dad died, but after about three months I felt like talking about it to someone close to me. I called a friend I've had since high school (I'm 53, so that's a loooong time!), who I considered one of my best friends. After that call, she sent me a sympathy card about three months later. I haven't heard from her in two and a half years, other than emails that were forwards! Well, my mom passed away last month and about a week ago she called(not about my mom, she didn't know). She was going to be in town and wanted to know if we could get together. I very calmly told her that I no longer considered us friends. She just couldn't understand it! I told her she hadn't picked up the phone once in two and a half years to find out how I was doing. She didn't seem to think that was anything bad and even got somewhat defensive. I told her that I could play games and chit-chat, but that I just frankly didn't have the energy and that no, I wouldn't care to see her. It was very painful to lose this friendship, but then I realized it was never a true friendship to begin with, that I had always done all the giving, so I was really just dumping a burden off my shoulders. I think we have all experienced this kind of thing. The good thing is that it really clears up who your friends are and who isn't! As much as it hurts, it also gives you a chance to weed out the bad ones and hopefully replace them with good ones. My frienship "meter" is much different now than it used to be, so I hope I can pick them better in the future! Anyway, hang in there, and you'll make new friends, people who care and understand.

Hugs,

Shell

[clrw]

Thanks Shell -

I do believe you're right... when we end up putting more effort & time into a relationship, it doesn't just affect us. But the relationships we have with our other friends (and family members). My outlook on those things has changed too... I think if you can't make time for me (or understand why my time is so valuable) than I don't have time for you.

Thanks for your kind words - I'm sorry about your mom (and dad)

Hugs...

[shell]

clrw,

Thank you.

Another thing I'm finding is that I am learning to be more comfortable with myself. I don't have to have all those "phony" friends around, I can be by myself and be fine. I'm surprised, because I was never very independant, but it's a good kind of surprise. So, I guess some good things can come from these terrible experiences too. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Shell

[clrw]

Yeah - absolutely! It's now a matter of quality vs. quantity. I can count on one hand the number of goodfriends that I have. The rest, are merely acquaintances. I think it's definitely a step in the right direction, that we know/can admit this...

[feeling-lost]

clrw,

I am so sorry about your dad. i lost my dad in december last year - right before my 24th birthday. he was only 51. it was an accident, so it was so suddent. i still can't believe that he's gone.

i am the same in what you said about you dad always teasing you about giving him granchildren - my dad did the same with us - and my brother and his wife found out that they were expecting their 1st child the day before my dad died. he didn't even know. they are now due in 2 weeks - and i know that when they have their baby, there will be so much excitement, but also sorrow, because my dad isn't there to enjoy his 1st grandchild.

i can't offer you much advice on how to cope, as i am looking for answers myself. i just hope you find what you're looking for.

take care.

[clrw]

feeling-lost,

Thank you, you are *so* right, I know when the time comes for us to start a family it will be bittersweet...

I'm sorry that your dad passed away so suddenly - I have mixed feelings about that. It makes me feel better to know that my dad didn't suffer, and yet I am somewhat envious of those that had the chance to say good-bye. I guess what is best for them (our loved ones) isn't always best for us, I find that because he was "here" one minute & "gone" the next, I have a very very hard time believing it was real, there was no preparation whatsoever... we didn't even see it coming.

I wish you all the best & hope that in time we can come to terms with what happened.

-clrw

[Deonna]

I too lost my dad suddenly, he passed away October of 05. My dad was always healthy, never went to the doctor. No signs, just a phone call to tell me the man that was my everything was dead. I'm still not over it, being that 2 days later my divorce was finalized. I was 32 when my dad passed. My dad was all I had left in the town I live in, besides my precious son. I miss him everyday, and find my self in anger when the holidays come and especially father's day when I see all my friends buying gifts and spending the day with their dad. I have to go and take him flowers to his grave and all I want is for him to come back just for one more day. God bless you, I know your pain, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[shell]

Deonna,

I'm so sorry about your dad. And the angry feelings are perfectly normal. I lost my dad suddenly too and it makes it that much harder to believe. Hang in there and focus on your son. I have a lot of kitties and I find taking care of them and trying to be happy for them (because they know when I'm miserable and it makes them miserable too) has helped me a lot to carry on with life.

A big hug,

Shell

[Deonna]

Shell,

Thank you for your kind words, and taking care of my son is a big help. I also have a 4 year old chocolate lab, that has been a huge blessing to have around as well. Much luv, Deonna