2 Months Later

[lavender]

Mama died on 5/30/07. I still feel so bad! I never dreamed of not having her here. I live next door to mama and daddy. I have still been going out to the house everyday since she died. I am at the point though - that I feel like if I cry or start talking about mama when I am around people including some of my family - that it's like I'm not supposed to. Well I can't forget my mama. I was with her 50 years. She was 84. I don't feel comfortable crying in front of them. I know time goes on - but it's hard not to be this way. So when I go to bed at night - that is my cry time. I miss her so much! Seems like I have had to do a last of "firsts" lately. Her first birtday not with us, a store I go into without her just things like that. Yesterday I had a tooth pulled and went out there and layed on her bed like I used to do. That was a first also since she died. I don't believe it gets any easier - some people say it does - but I don't think so. I can be driving down the road and all of a sudden it just hits me like a brick - mama is gone.

[feeling-lost]

Lavender,

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like you had an amazing relationship with your mother. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be without my mum. I lost my dad over 7 months ago, and you are exactly right, it doesn't seem to get easier with time. In fact, I think it gets harder. I'm sorry to say that, but its how I feel about my dad. Everyone is different though, and everyone copes differently with death.

I am also the same as you in that I don't like to express my emotions in front of my family - I just feel like I don't want to bring them down when I am down too. They tell me all the time that I am a closed book and that I should talk about how I feel - I just would rather not upset them, and remember the happy and precious moments that we spent with my dad, rather than talk about the sad times.

I'm sorry, I can't really offer you too much advice or support, as I too am looking for answers, but I really hope you find what you are looking for.

I'll just say this - I think that my dad is always with me, as your mum would be with you. They are always there to talk to and be comforted by - just in a very different way. I guess it all depends on what you believe in.

Regards,

'Feeling-lost'

[shell]

Lavender,

You sound so much like me! I lost my mom June 7th and I can relate to the "firsts" you are talking about. I am 53 and feel like a child again. I lived with my parents, except when I was married (I've been divorced twice) and was very close to them. I'm lucky that I have my brother, but I still feel so alone without my mom. We were so close and doing anything feels weird without her here. I also do most of my crying at night, although sometimes it hits me, like you, when I'm driving down the road or in a store. I was telling my brother the other day that I've learned to do just about anything and cry at the same time...drive, put on makeup, iron, whatever! We laughed about it, but it's true!

It does seem like it will never get any better, that's for sure. But, it will in time (a long time, I'm afraid) and I did learn from my dads death in '05 to just feel whatever I feel, let it out, and cry whenever I need to. Hang in there!

Hugs,

Shell