Jan 44 Posted August 4, 2007 Report Share Posted August 4, 2007 Sometimes I feel like I'm observing life from the outside - sort of like Scrooge with his three ghosts. I observe people talking to me - asking me how I'm doing, how my day's going, expressing their sympathy, etc. and I feel so much empathy for the "me" being observed, but the reality or actuality of it doesn't hit me until a bit later. That was really me they were talking to. I don't know if my mind is not ready to totally face the reality of losing David yet and is therefore protecting me or if I'm going crazy. The last fifteen weeks just do not feel real and sometimes I am unaware of the passage of time. Each hour of each day seems to go by so painfully slow but then when I realize that it's been 15 weeks it seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. My children and my friends are urging me to get some professional help. I guess they might be right. My thought is that when a person loses their best friend and the love of their life - we started going together 47 years ago at the age of 16 and have been married almost 43 years - so unexpectedly, it's going to take the mind and heart quite a bit of time to catch up to reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missingcharlie Posted August 4, 2007 Report Share Posted August 4, 2007 Jan44 - I don't think you are losing your mind. You're right...your mind isn't ready to face the reality of losing David. My heart goes out to you!!! It's tough! As long as you are still counting in weeks, you're no where ready to face it. I think that once your counting turns into months you are getting closer. It's going to be a while....Wow! 43 years is a very long time to spend with someone - I wish I had had that much time with my husband. We only had 21 years together and they truly were the best years of my life. He was only 46 years old when he passed away, which will be 3 years ago in November. See, I'm in the timeframe of years, now. I still miss him so much and I know that I always will. As you said, he was my best friend and the love of my life.I do think that going to talk with a professional might help. I never did, but I had and still have tons of support. Charlie's whole family lives near me and we all grieve together; plus I have my daughter and my 3 grandkids. Reading books about death and grieving is another great idea. I've read a couple, but if you need suggestions I know that Dusky (here on this site) can give you an entire list. Also, Marty (our site monitor) can suggest alot of information, too. I'm sure if either one of them reads this post they will do that for you.Please keep coming here! I think you'll find that it helps alot - I know all of us think so. We are here to help "hold you up" and walk beside you during this journey. It's a comfort to know of other people that have been through this.Hugs to you!!! Take care of yourself!Patti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted August 4, 2007 Report Share Posted August 4, 2007 Jan, I've had the exact same experience when people are talking to me. You are in grief, not insane! Its a very very short amount of time for you to expect yourself to feel any different. I'm at 21 months and I cannot believe that, it feels like yesterday and I have many days when I re-live the last day over and over. Whats hard and makes things more confusing, is that everyone around you, live's are moving, but your heart and mind aren't ready. I have fought this every step of the way. It may have not been whats best, but its the way I've had to cope. Talking with someone is always good and could help, but I wanted you to know your feelings and thoughts are just fine and to be expected. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spela Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 Jan, you're not crazy, it's normal that you're feeling this way. I guess it's a sort of protection, it makes us survive. Seeking professional health is nothing you should be ashamed of. If you feel you need it, find it. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephen Posted August 5, 2007 Report Share Posted August 5, 2007 Don't feel you're losing your mind. Professional help does indeed help. I made the mistake of not seeking it when I desperately needed it. Finally going was a big step. Just talking with someone helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 You are not insane, it is normal. One of teh first books I bought and read was "I'm Greiving as Fast as I Can" It was suggested by Dusky I believe. It helped me understand what I was going though. 15 weeks is very new, you are still in the shock period. Your mind is helping you by protecting you from the full reality, I think a lot of us would agree that if it hadn't we surely would have gone insane. You are doing good, keep coming here and posting and seek professional help if you feel you need it. Get all the help you think you need right now, it can't hurt. If the professional suggests antidepressants, don't be afraid to take them, I really believe that is what got me through the first year. I got off of them before the one year mark when I felt I was ready, every part of my body and mind was telling me it was time and it was. They will help. Anyway, I hope this helps, there are so many things that I and others could share on this site about our experiences, but the pages on even this forum could not hold them all. Best regards to you on this journey.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusky Posted August 6, 2007 Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Jan 44,I was reading posts tonight and I read yours - and then I saw a few of the repiles = and I saw my name (handle Dusky) was mentioned as having a list of books on greif that may help you. I am atttaching the list I have that many have seen on here before - the list has grown since the last time I may have shared it with the group - it now has 59 listings. One of the things that has helped me so much since my Jack died was reading all these books. There ares so many great messages in these writings. I do not know what I would have done had had it not been for reading, this greif site, a few family and freinds and wrtiting myself. By the end of the year I hope to have my own book published - which is also meant to help people who greive the loss of their mate. You can look for it also - hopefully by the end of the year - the title to my book will be "Finding Jack - My Banana Bread Man". Here is ths list of books I read the first two years after Jack died. I hope you find some comfort in some of these readings:Grief Bibliography1. Surviving the death of your Spouse Deborah S. Livinson2. Caregiving Beth McLeod3. Grief’s Outrages Journey Sandi Caplan Gordon Lang4. Life and Loss Bob Deits5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul Jack Canfiled Mark Victor Hanson6. Wherever your go – There you are Jack Kabat-Zinn7. Unattended Sorrow Stephen Levine8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again Dr. Catherine M. Sanders9. The Mourning Handbook Helen Fitzgerald10. Healing your grieving heart Alan D Wolfelt Ph. D.11. Life Lessons Elizabeth Kubler-Ross David Kesler12. How to go on living when someone dies Theresea Rando Ph. D.13. A year to live Stephen Levine14. Letting go with love Nancy O’Connor Ph. D.15. The Dying Time Joan Furman David McNabb M.S.N., RN16. Companion through the darkness Stephanie Ericsson17. Don’t let death ruin your life Jill Brooke18. A time to grieve Carol Staudacher19. Too soon old too late smart Gordon Livingston,M.D.20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace Jack Kornfield21. Grieving mindfully Samett M. Kumar22. When your Spouse dies Catherine L. Curry23. Five good Minutes Jeffery Bantley, M.D.Wendy Millstine24. Healing After Loss Martha Whitmore Hickman25. The Power of NOW Eckhart Tolle26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner Michael Shernoff 27. A Journey through Grief Alla Renee Bozarth.Ph. D. 28. When Bad things happen to Good people Harold S. Kushner 29. The Grief Recovery Handbook John W. James & Frank Cherry30. Ambiguous Loss Pauline Boss31. The Precious Present Spencer Johnson32. Life after Loss Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel33. Writings to heal the Heart Susan Zimmerman34. The Grief Recovery Handbook John James & Frank Cherry35. When Bad things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner36. Stillness Speaks Eckhart Tolle37. In Lieu of Flowers Nancy Cobb38. The Other Side and Back Sylvia Browne39. Blessings from the Other Side Sylvia Browne40. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow Karen Casey41. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying Sogyal Rinpoche42. The Loss of a Life Partner Carolyn A. Walker43. Life on the Other Side Sylvia Brown44. Transcending Loss Ashley Prend 45. The Heart of Grief Thomas Attig46. Letters to Kate Carl H. Klaus47. When Men Grieve Elizabeth Levang, Ph. D.48. The Five Things We Cannot Change David Richo49. Awakening from Grief John E. Welshons50. Love Lives On Louis LaGrand, PH.D51. What Buddha Would Do? Franz Metcalf52. The Book of Awakening Mark Nepo53. About Alice Calvin Trillin54. Forgiveness – A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart Robin Casarjian55. Getting to the other Side of Grief Susan J Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Ed.D Robert C. De Vries, D.Min., Ph.D56. Grief Steps Brook Noel57. Life after Death - The Burden of Proof Deepak Chopra58. The Essence of ZEN – An Anthology of Quotations The Five Mile Press59. Pocket Positives of Living – An Anthology Summit Press QuotationsMy best to you - Love and Peace,John - Dusky is my handle on hereLove you Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan 44 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2007 Thank you so much for the list of books and for being here. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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