Going To Lose It

[Tracey B]

All my life I could handle things, could think out any prob. and was there to help anyone who needed it. Now since my mom death my mind is gone.Can;t rember things, I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed, and the worst is I own my own bussiness which i just started this year, since my mom was able to look after her self and she even bake for my grand opening.Now she is gone and I just cant handle things. If I her one more time "It will get better" or "it takes time" I am going to lose it. I cant even work more than 4 hour, than i have to get out. I use to work 9 hour easy and than paper woke not now.I gave in and got sleeping pills hope that will turn my mind off just goes over and over the last 10 day she had and what i could have done so she would not have died.I just feel like Iam going to soon my lid and let peolpe have it. The anger in building i dont know what to do any more. I only lose it once and that was many years ago in high school so i dont even rember what happened. If I could only turn the clock back, my mom would still be here i would have taken her out of hospial.Why did,nt i do it, i let her down. How do i go on.

Tracey

[lorikelly]

Tracey

There was nothing you could of done for your mom. i thought the same thing but no made how hard we tried our moms were going to die. i know how you feel. i had to start meds b/c i was having such panic attacks, i would shake uncontroably and not be able to focus. i was terrified to leave the house incase this happened. the first 8mos were awful. i started the meds around 7mos and by the 8 mo. the attacks had stopped completely. i barely was getting by, i know deep down inside i was dying. i was trying to survive but i was just exsisting. just do what ever you have to do to get through it, the pain is awful but we are here for you . keep coming here someone will be here to listen. lori

[karenb]

Tracey,

You're obviously in such pain and I'm so sorry. I don't know how long it's been and that really doesn't matter anyway. We all need to go through these things. I won't tell you it gets better or whatever because right now it sure doesn't feel that way. It seems we just have to do what we have to do and not worry about anything, just getting through the next minute, hour, day or how long it takes. You do need to take care of yourself, though. Your health is important because on top of this this you don't want to get sick or anything so try and eat, get a little exercise. Sometimes walking in a pretty spot is okay, if you want to. Just try to make yourself somewhat okay even if you don't even want to do that. Please do take care, though, and you have come to a good spot to vent your feelings. There are very caring people here who know just what you're going through. You are cared about.

Karen

[shell]

Tracey,

I used to go over the same thing in my mind...if I had done this or that differently, my mom might still be here. I finally realized that there was just no use thinking that way. I don't know if this will help you, but I strongly believe in fate. Things happen the way they are suppose to and no matter what you do, it will happen. You are NOT to blame for your moms death. I'm sure you did all that you could and you have to let up on yourself. I, too, like Lorikelly, went on antidepressants when I was having panic attacks, couldn't eat or sleep and I would have died if I hadn't gotten the medication. Maybe you are at the point where you need to talk to your doctor about this. There are times when we just can't handle our own emotions and there's no shame in admitting it and getting help. I'm sure your mom would not want you to be in such dire straights. And getting your feelings out is so important, so I'm glad you found this site. I just feel so for you and hate to see you so hopeless. Keep posting and be kind to yourself.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Deonna]

Tracey,

My heart aches for you and wish we all had the right answers of how to deal with such huge losses for all of us. I to own my own business, and days are hard when just don't feel like being around anyone, but I think about my dad and all the lessons that were taught to me. What keeps me going is how he would want me to go on with my life and know one day I will see him again as you will your mother. Hold on to her life lessons and know she is just a step behind you watching over you and sad to know you are sad, after all you are her daughter and as my mom always said, "mothers carry there children under their hearts for 9 months, then they are their hearts forever". God bless you you are in my prayers. Deonna

[julienne]

I'm amazed you can work 4 hours a day. I'm very familiar with the circling thoughts, the memory loss, and the emotions that won't let you rest. And I used to be the strong one who helped everyone out, too.

Try to see a doctor if you can. There are medications for anxiety that can slow down the endless thoughts, and a doctor may talk to you about antidepressants as well. Anxiety can be an overwhelming feeling that you're afraid of something but you're not really sure what it is.

A friend of mine in the same situation said it best: I know I used to be able to handle things, but right now I'M NOT WELL. I'm not fine, I'm not OK, I'm not well. When you're sick, you rest, you take care of yourself, you see a doctor if you need to.

You sound like you are suffering terribly. People who haven't been through this really don't know what to say, and they don't know how deeply this changes you. Sometimes I wonder who I used to be.

Please take care of yourself.

p.s. I saw a movie the other day in which a grieving woman says, "It's so unfair. I want to punish somebody!" Then she said, "Something so awful HAS to be somebody's fault!" You sound like you are punishing yourself, and putting the fault on you alone.

A loss doesn't HAVE to be somebody's fault. Sometimes, it just happens, and through circumstance completely beyond your control. When my husband lost his father years ago to cancer, he went through years of anger and guilt even though there was nothing that we could have done. Expressing anger was easier than expressing sorrow, and it nearly ended our marriage.

Strangely enough, grief is a form of love. You would not be feeling such pain had you not loved your mother so much. I had to recognize how much I loved my mother, and how much she loved me, before I could start to heal. I still break down when I think about it, but that's part of the process.

Let us know how you are doing.

Edited August 10, 2007 by julienne

[Tracey B]

Thanks Julienne

My so called freind about 4years ago her daughter rape and murder. I was there for ever court date from start to finish.I even sat though pic.s of the body from medical examer,I hardly knew who it was so black and blue. She use to call me her second mom.She was a good kid who love life.So I thought of all peolpe she would be around for me but just say her at furneal and when she son came to buy my moms car, that really hurt. I hear the T.V. but half the time don't know what i watched.Plus most of the show end in death so Iam right back where i was feelling like cramp. Still dont know where I belong,at home i just cant seem to do anything and work I feel like I am doing time. With fall come reps are taking about xmas which i dont want to come and dont know how Iam going to get though that season. Just dont know how much more i can take. I just want things back to the way it was for it to hard to go on.

Tracey

[shell]

Tracey,

You sound defintely overwhelmed. Is there any way you could take off a week and just be alone to grieve and think? Even a weekend? Sometimes we just have to be still and feel, if that makes any sense. I used to get totally overwhelmed and think I was going to just break into a million pieces. I finally had to realize that I had to take things one at a time. Literally, one moment to the next. I would not think about anything but the moment I was in and whatever had to be done. It's hard, but try not to think ahead too much. I think that's somewhat what overwhelms us.

Hugs,

Shell

[Tracey B]

Hi Shell

I wish I could take time off but I do all the ordering and my staff would not know where or what to order, plus I did take last Wensday off and that did not help the house has so many memories and it just about kills me. I still cant turn the T.V. on in living room or even be in that room.I just live in my room. I have not even been shopping only for food which still is ceral and salads. so thats in and out.have not BBQ or that stove on still June when it all started. Have been taking the sleeping pill but since i started still dreaming and either I am going to a hosptial at a furnell I now now how scrooge felt with the 3 ghost so thing Iam going to try it out with the sleeping pills, and see what happens. Just want to turn my mind off and feeling to. I soon have to find a way throw out all of my moms pills for they are in the same place before she left. The clock by her chair even stop at 5:25am the time she died,ever thing is the way it was. It turn me apart so aviod that room. My life is now a living nightmare.

Tracey

[shell]

Tracey,

Oh, things are so tough, aren't they? I have been through many things, but I think grief is the worst, at least for me. You mentioned that you could always handle things. I was the same way, but when you lose your mom, it seems like your whole world is gone and that can cause a lot of insecurity and make you feel helpless all of a sudden. The one thing that makes me stronger is to think of how strong my mom was. I want to be the person she would be proud of, so I have tried my hardest to be strong and handle things. Maybe thinking of something like that would help you too.

Have you talked to your doctor about antidepressants? A lot of us here are on them and they do help you to think better and keep your emotions a little bit more in check. They don't take away all the pain, they just help you to handle it better. It doesn't sound like the sleeping pills are helping too much.

I know how all the reminders are a sort of torture! Try just going into your moms room and talking to her, telling her how you feel. It might make you more comfortable about going in there. I lay on my moms bed and watch tv and talk to her sometimes. I also keep her room very neat and clean, and that makes me feel good. It's rough...but I find some peace in being where she was last, but then everyone feels differently.

Keep posting and trying different angles to approaching the hard parts. I'll be pulling for you!

Hugs,

Shell

[Tracey B]

Thanks Shell

I had to go into my moms room to find will and paper. I found stuff she saved like card and some family stuff, I look at them and made sure i but them back the way I found them.It felt like I was invading she stuff dumb I know. Even belive it or not my dog which was moms body gaurd and would sleep with her wont go into her room, dont know why for if any one went in he was there.He use to look for her to come home but the day she passed he seem to know for he stop looking for her.When I would come home for hospial he would go to the door to see if she was with me,but not that day.He now sleeps with me and is my body gaurd. I ran into a freind of the family they ask how things are going,funny but they ask about the dog first had to get out quick just about lose it,did when i got out of store. It will be 2 month tommrow and I dont even want to get of bed what a way to start a week I alway hated the 13th and now i hate more. I just don't know what I am ggoing to do.the house is so emptyand queit.How i wish i could turn back the clock. My brother does not even call or come around. I was left to do a the paper work and get things in order. I thought he would be around but not. Guess mom was the glue for us now this is no glue.Sorry to ramble on.Thanks for the help.

Tracey

[shell]

Tracey,

Never apologize for rambling on...that's what this site is for. Animals are so wonderful and he is trying to comfort you now. You can comfort each other, because they miss the person too and hurt. It's not silly that you put things back as you found them...I do the same thing. I was trying to clean my moms closet and I did give a few things to charity, but only the thinkgs I knew she really didn't like. And I will start to move something and think, I wonder if she'd mind....so it's normal! Or we're BOTH crazy...hahaha!

You and I are at about the same time frame. On the 7th of this month it was two months for me. Please realize that it is going to take a lot of time to find any relief or feel any healing (I know this from my dad passing away in '05). I hate to say that because it's so depressing and makes it seem impossible to accomplish, but things will eventually get a little bit better with each month that passes. Just hang in there and don't get hopeless or discouraged. Just do the best you can at the moment and don't worry too much about what you can't do.

Big hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Tracey,

God bless you! I know how you feel. I lost my mom June 10th of this year, my best friend in the whole wide world- I am lost, every day I am lost.

I don't know how I survived this long. This web-sight is such a comfort to me, and Shell has really helped me, too. I pray at night for the people I have met on this sight.... such a sad place- but at the same time, everyone on here is going through what you are going through. I don't understand why things happen the way they do and I really don't know if we will ever understand fully. You can't go under or over it you have to go through it!

I have gone through mom's things looking for something- and did not realize she kept so much- I can not go through her things, and get rid of anything- I have not been able to do that. Thanksgiving, X-Mas- can not even think of those times now- want to sleep through them- I know we will not be having the same holiday we have had- we are not putting up trees and I am not shopping- shopping was mom's and my favorite thing to do- now, I can not go into a store without crying....... I can not go through that.

I know your feelings..... I know

Rosanne

[Tracey B]

Thanks rosanne

Very sorry for your lost. I can only image what you are feeling, I know the pain. I have never felt the way I do now I looked and around the flower beds mom loved so much and the weeds have taken over,i feel bad for letting that happen but could not look at the flower that she would not see.I had got all the weeds out last year and we went and got flowers for them. She loved the way the beds turn out and I got the solar lights for them last year to. The flowers where just starting to come good but then she ended up in hosptail in fact she was plant some flowers the day before she went to hospital,and now their a mess. I will prob. at store for most hoildays that way maybe i can forget what day it is.I to dont want xmas the real hard part will be the store for being in retail i have to have xmas stuff,and decorate the store think staff will be doing that, but dont know how to or how i can handle that little saying "have a merry" you know that i mean than "how was their xmas" Their is no xmas for me no tree no light just another day than new years day we would all ways go out for chiness, that to is gone. So many thing have changed. was not ready for this, she was to do around for many more years. The store first year will be Jan 13. The 13 a number I hate. Today he 13 my well when dry so had to get that fixed. Need runung water.Soon I wont be getting out of bed on the 13th no matter what day it falls on.Still dealing with the legal stuff lawyers, banks,, wills the cramp you have to sign and cancell will it ever end.So tried of going and saying mom has past away, for it bring all the pain back and it hurts to much.

Tracey

[Tracey B]

Thanks shell

My Dad died in June of 99.The two death are so what the same mom and dad went in hospial on June 1 and mom died on the 13 and dad was the 16.Two weeks of up and down for dad was called twice to hospial for dad the third time i was to late,he died between 5 and 6am andmom i was there for her that was at 5:25am.I rember both the day sunny warm and both was a wensday morning and both buried day before father day. Would like to skip June and now Dec. as well. Want to put thing back together but but know how. Just want the pain to stop. When for dont know how long i can take it all.

Tracey

[shell]

Tracey and Rosanne,

As we've often said on this site I wish we all lived in the same town! Maybe we could help each other get through the tough days and the holidays together. The really sad reality is that our lives will never be the same. It doesn't mean we can't ever be happy again (although right now it seems like that, I know) but our losses will always be there, deep inside of us. I just try to get through each day as best as I can. I don't think there's any other way to get through this. Rosanne is so right, you can't go under or over it, you have to go through it! (Thanks Rosanne for the compliment! I hope all my rambling helps in some way!) As far as the holidays, the only suggestion is to do, or not do, whatever feels right. After my dad died we didn't want to put up the tree, but I went to the store and bought this little tree (it's about 3 feet high) and we put it on one of our sunrooms and decorated it very simply, just lights and some strung red & gold beads. It actually cheered us up and seemed right somehow. So maybe you can just do something new and simple.

I just spent Friday and today signing papers and filling out papers and going to the bank, etc...so, Tracey, I'm right there with you. And I can so relate to that horrible feeling of having to say "My mom passed away in June" and drag out the death certificate. It is such a depressing reminder and has to be said and done way too much! But I figure eventually all that will be over, it all has to be settled sometime! Hang in there.

My thoughts are with both of you,

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Gosh, do I know how it feels to have to get the death cert. and then show it to the bank- you feel like you want to scream.... and the one that your handing it to just acts like it is just a piece of paper!!! I have had to handle all of the business, my dad can hardly write his name- matter of fact since' everything was in my parents name- (dad can not drive, very well and has not since' mom passed away) when I did have to go to the bank, they needed to see his driver's lic. and it had expired, I had to take him to get a new one- just for the banking business!

I am going to be honest, and I don't know why I have been doing this- I try to block out my mom's illness and death, we went through Aug. 2006 until her death June 10th- pancreatic cancer, one of the worst cancer's you can have- a horrible thing..... When I get a bad thought I try and push it away, Am I really dealing with her death this way? I don't know....

Her last days she asked me to take her somewhere and get help- please don't let me suffer- what did I do called HOSPICE......... I feel guilt over that part.............. because, I really think she thought I was going to get her help- Oh, GOD Help me ----- Help US!!!

[MartyT]

Rosanne, dear,

It hurts my heart to think that you're feeling guilty for calling hospice at a point in your mother's illness when she was asking you to take her somewhere to get help, and pleading with you not to let her suffer.

Hospice is the one thing we can do for our loved ones when there is nothing else to be done ~ when the illness cannot be cured. The very purpose of hospice care is to transform the experience of dying, to provide comfort so that our loved one does not suffer alone and in pain. So I think you should be commended for having the courage and the good sense to do what you did. I understand that you live in a rural area and that all hospices are not the same, but the fact is that you did the best you could with what you had, Rosanne, and no one can fault you for that.

[rosanne]

Dear Tracey,

I understand what you mean about the flowers, mom's flower bed of roses have been taken over with weeds. If I have learned one thing... through this I have learned this- I was always the type that had to do everything- even if I did not really feel like doing it, if I had a meeting to go to for an organization I was commited to - I would go (I did not want to but, I was always concerned about what people would think)! Now, I do what I want to do, and I don't give a ----- what people think... I have missed more meetings and things since' mom died- if I do not feel like it I just don't do it. I have not had time to get anything out- because, I was thrown into taking care of an invalid father (which I truly love) even going through this, we have had time to get to know each other, even though it is through pain, does this make any sense? Do what you have to do (work is not an option for me- oh, how I wish it were) but, on the things that you really have a choice in.... do what you want.

I think I expect too much of myself... I have always heard God does not put more on us than we can take- He must think I am a lot stronger than I do....

Do something good for yourself.....

[AnnieO]

Rosanne,

I don't mean to sound insensitive, I truly am not, I feel so bad for you. But going thru the things I have gone thru in the last few months since my mom died, made me want to check with you...since you are now taking care of your dad and all your parents financial things , are you taking steps to be "in charge". I learned the hard way. Are you your dad's Power of Attorney? I knew so little about all of this. The problems I ran into were...closing my mom's checking account.

Getting my dad's social security check mailed to a new location.Getting my name on my dad's checking account, so I could pay his bills.(he can no longer sign his name either) And now of course selling their house because we didn't take my mom's name off the mortgage. I know you hate to think about these things at a time like this...just thought if I could offer a little helful adivce to help someone else get thru this . Take care of yourself.

[MartyT]

Good point, Annie! One excellent resource I've found in this regard is offered by AARP. You will find it online here: Final Details

See also many of the other resources I've listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site.

[Tracey B]

Well just when i thought things could not get worst,I had a staff member quiet today, she was to work today but she came in and quit. So i was stuck working all d... day. Now i have to figue out how I am going to staff store.Just about went nuts today. By 3pm I wanted out, but had no one to work. Left home at 8:30 and got home 7:30. So tired and feel like cramp.I just cant habdle much more. Still have in cancell GST and when i think just about done somthing else has to get looked after.Had enought of the legal stuff.It has been down hill and it is only Tesday feels like it should be friday.

Tracey

[shell]

Rosanne,

Please, please don't feel guilty about calling Hospice. Your mom wanted help and that's what you got for her. As Marty pointed out, Hospice is there to help someone pass on as painlessly as they can and at home, with family. It is, to me, one of the best organizations I've ever dealt with. I can't say enough about the incredible work they do and the gift they give the patients and their families. You should be so proud of your choice, you did exactly the right thing.

I am the same way about doing what I want to do now. Like you, I always did everything, no matter what. Now I don't care. I do what I have to and what I want to. Other than that, it doesn't matter to me, no matter what people might think! Who cares?

Hang in there!

Hugs,

Shell