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Not So Good Night


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I am up in Virginia on a business trip. This is the first trip in a very long time that I have been on by myself. It was kind of fun at first, only having to worry about myself fo a change, not having to keep a watch on my son and what he is getting into. Tonight, we had a 3 hour dinner cruise. After dinner, I went up to the top deck and was watching things go by and I just felt so alone. There were of course a lot of poeple up there as well, but it was like they weren't there. Deep down from no where came the thought of "I really miss Karen" it hurt like hell, and for once I let myself feel it (for a couple of minutes anyway) before I pushed it back. I know it is one of those steps backwards that will still happen from time to time. My life lately has been good. Things seem to be looking up, I feel that I have a purpose again in life, I feel God's presence and direction in my life again. I have met someone and we have been dating, but then I have this thought like tonight that hits me and makes me question myself. My son & I have been in a grief support group for a little over a year now, I have been thinking it is time to move on but I still wonder. Am I moving too fast with this relationship, how do I know that I am far enough into my grief recovery to have a meaningful relationship. Questions like these that seemed so clear before have become hazey again. What are your experiences with these things?

Love always

Derek

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Derek,

Every so often, I too re-visit those hellish moments when the pain re-appears in all its strength. For me these waves seem to come and stay for two-week period. I seem to be getting good at recognizing them when there in the initial stages – and at least I can remind myself that I “have been here - done that”.

When Jack first died I thought for sure that I would want another relationship – not trying to replace him – as I know that is not possible – but another one different but sweet. As time passed, I began to question if I even wanted to go down the road that gave me the greatest joy in my life and the most painful of endings. I’m not sure where I am now – I fluctuate and vacillate. I’m not sure where I am headed. For me it’s been two years – and I have come to realize that this is indeed a life long journey I am on. This grief will never really end – I will learn to live with the pain – the edges softened by time but still capable of bringing back tears at a moments notice – much like you experienced today.

I don’t think there is a “too fast” or “too slow” for you – I would be willing to go out on a limb here and say you’re traveling at just the right speed. You’re still in touch with your emotions – which is a wonderful thing to see in a man. Who ever may happen to be so luck as to share their life with you – if that’s to be – will be fortunate to have someone who is capable of feeling deep pain as well as great joy. The deep pain we have sustained is bound to make our moments of joy that much sweeter. I “hear in you” a well-adjusted man.

I am more or less turning the future over to my spiritual side. I believe I am capable of living my life alone with many good friends – or – with someone very special again – a new but different “Jack”. I think my life could go either way – and I am at peace with what ever may be the final passage of my existence.

Either way – Jack and I – “we will meet again” – and that sustains me.

I hope all these bits and pieces of my life – and what I “hear in you” helps in some small way.

Love and peace,

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

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Derek

I think you have done such a great job on your grief journey. i also believe this is a life long process, a road that will never end until we meet our loved ones again. i think the wound it always there and will just bleed at times. our lives have been forever changed and we move on with that knowledge.

i am glad to hear that you have your faith. i believe this is one of the things that saved me when i was in that dark hole. I tell my boys everyday, with Jesus we are everthing without him nothing. i firmly believe that in my heart. i also say Jesus I trust in you, because i have to. I also tell myself keep going on because one day we will all be together.

I am glad to hear you have meet someone. i have never meet you but can tell from your writings what a wonderful sensitive loving father and man you are. Karen was blessed to have you and anyone else who comes into your life will be blessed I believe also by you being who you are will make Carson the same type of person, loving, caring and sensitive.

May God Bless You and Shine His Face Upon You. YOu are always in my prayers as for everyone on this site. Lori

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Thank you Dusky and Lori I can always count on you to respond when I need help. I guess it all boils down to the smae way we were before we got married, the doubts of whether or not they were the right person or not. Were we truly in love or was it lust and so on and so forth. The main thing I need to remember is to invite God into it, if it is supposed to happen then it will. Thanks again for your replies and take care of yourselves.

Love always

Derek

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Derek,

You are a smart man, and I believe you will have the discernment to go at just the right pace for you and also that you will pick out the right one for you. You are going to miss Karen and even if you have someone else in your life you will feel it at times. It's important that we pick people who can understand that. New relationships do not replace old relationships, they just enhance our lives in their own special right. Allow yourself your feelings, it doesn't mean you've gone backward, it is to be expected. You are doing wonderfully in your grief journey and what you are experiencing is very normal. The progress you have made has taken you a tremendous amount of effort and you should commend yourself for it!

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