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My Sassydog ~ My Heart


Billi

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I came looking for a place to share, relate, and grieve in safety. When I saw this site I knew it was where I belonged and could relax with my own pain.

Tomorrow @ 1:30pm EDT. I take my sweet SassyDog to the vet so she can fly home, out of pain, and her broken body. She is almost 14, and we have been together since she was a year old. I am physically sick with my pain and emotions over having to let her go. It has been awhile that she has really been showing her age, but she was still able to get around, wander in the yard, and just be an 'ole gal'.

All of that changed drastically this past week when her back legs, mostly the right one, locked up with visible pain and inability to hardly move so restricted that I knew it was time. Her eyes are so sad, so blank as she looks at me. I have heard that your fur partner will tell you when they need to go. Today I know this is true, and in her telling me it is time, that somehow makes a part of this nightmare easier. I do not want to accept that this is happening. I cannot seem to stop the tears nor get my mind off of what is occuring. I called the vet on Monday, but did not schedule our appointment until Wednesday so I could have just 2 more days with her. Her eyes tell me she is ready to leave. Her body is so sensitive she has trouble being touched even. Maybe I was wrong to make her wait so she could leave.

She was such a strong personality, proud, beautiful, elegant and I never needed to lock a door when she was around. Grown men did not get out of their trucks she was such a fierce protector. She taught me so much as we traveled our path together. I knew she always had my back. Always healthy and ready to chase the next squirel up a tree. I know she had a good life tho, as we have lived up in the mtns, and out in the country where she was always free to run and explore. Several times a day she would check the property to be sure everything was safe. Ohhhhh, how she love to ride, sat in the passenger set, but really would have prefered to be the driver. People always were saying what a magificent animal she was. I cannot imagine her not being in my life. What a huge empty spot in my whole being that will be without her with me.

I will be with her, holding her as she takes her first steps home. Her last earthy breaths here with me. It is hard to type but I feel if I allow myself to touch this place now, it will help me to prepare for tomorrow. Before I started writing here, I was able to lay on the floor with her and we talked about all the incredible things we had done together. I could feel her responding altho her eyes said: "I love you, I am ready". She has so richly blessed my life, and I just can't believe that she will be gone by this time tomorrow. Everything inside of me screams: NO !! No, I never wanted this day to come. God, I wish the pain was not so horrible.

I wrote this for us the other night. Maybe it will help someone else along the way deal with this so painful time.

within me the memories dwell

of all the times we have shared

the paths we have explored together

the love and trust we built on the trail

so often I leaned on you to hold me up

as I staggered in my faith in life

your eyes told me, to go on, go forward

that you would walk with me

in my heart, your beautiful eyes will shine

and I will hold and honor your memory

you shared with me your courage and pride

as you walked so strongly by my side

without you I could not have

done the things I have accomplished

you were always at my side to help

me know and believe the best was ahead

my partner, my friend, my trusted companion

how much joy you have brought into my life

I have no doubt about that Rainbow Bridge

where you will be waiting for me, again to play

Somehow I know that God will carry me through the actual moment of her going home........ she will always live in my heart, never more then a thought away. It was about 10 years ago this week that I had a put another beloved pet down, and I remember it like yesterday. So now, together they will both live shining their love into my heart.

...... I love you SassyGirl

~~ Billi

who heart is just breaking

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I'm so very sorry, Billi, about your sweet Sassy, and the pain you must now endure. If I wasn't hurting so badly myself, I'd say more than :(:(:(:( , but trust that I know the agony of which you speak.....and the poem to her is just beautiful. She will feel your great love for her when it counts the most....

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Billi,

You came to the right place to share, relate and to grieve. This place has been such a blessing for me and I know it will be for you too. It's helpful to know that others feel the pain, heartbreak, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, and all the other emotions that come with everything we are going through.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling. I lost my girl, Twix, on March 17, 2007, and I still am hurting and crying because I miss her so much. She was only 11 when she passed away and I felt like (and still do) that I was robbed of some time with her. She was just 2 months shy of her 12th birthday. I miss her more and more each day. I made a memorial for her at www.critters.com it's another great place to help with all the emotions you are going through. Please check it out and check out my girl. She will like that you stopped by. I also posted a letter to her here on this site. It's entitled "How do I say goodbye and let go?" Writing the letter to Twix seemed to help me a little bit. I still cry when I read it and I probably always will.

I am very sorry you had to go through the process of putting her to sleep. I am glad I did not have to make that decision. I prayed to God over and over if it was her time, to please just take her. I knew that if over the weekend she did not get better that come Monday, I would have to take her in, but God took her so I did not have to make that decision. But I too, would have been there with her, holding her, crying, telling her mommy will always love her and what a good girl she is. It's hard, still to come to terms that she is gone. I still cry. She was my world, my life, my baby and I miss her.

It sounds like you and Sassy had such a strong bond and a wonderful relationship. She knew you loved her with all that you had and she loved you too; she still does. She may not be here in person, but her heart, her love, her soul and her memories will always be with you.....in your heart, your love, your memories and your soul. Cry when you need to, want to and feel like it, it's the best thing and it does help to get it out.

I wish there was more I could say to help you, but the truth is, you are heartbroken and there isn't anything anyone can say to ease your pain. At least that's how it was/is for me. I miss my dog and nothing anyone can say to me can change that. Yes, she is with God, and yes, I will see her again one day, but the truth is I miss her now and want her now. But I know that can't happen and won't happen, but it doesn't change the way I feel.

The poem you wrote is beautiful and a true testament on the love you two had for each other. My heart is going out to you. I feel your pain, your loss and I wish I could ease it, but I can't. But I can tell you that I am here for you.

I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Rita

p.s. feel free to e-mail me at rlp2014@hotmail.com if you want to talk some more.

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