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At Least I've Found All Of You


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I’ve often thought that if I could just get back into my normal busy routine that I’d be okay, and that missing my mom wouldn’t be as difficult because of all my distractions. Easier said than done, since no matter how much I pile on my plate I still think about her every minute of every day. So yesterday, when I stumbled across this discussion board I realized that I had finally found my outlet to focus on my grief. What a relief! Being able to talk to people that know what I’m going through is going to be so healing! So here’s the one minute version of my story… I moved across the country over four years ago for college. My mom was a single parent, and I’m an only child, so the distance was difficult, but we talked every day and I truly believe I got to know my mom better since we would talk for so long, and about everything and anything. At the end of March my mom passed away very suddenly. She wasn’t sick, although she had been complaining about a sore throat for a few days leading up to her death. Anyway, I got a call the last Saturday in March that my mom was in critical condition in the ICU. From here spiraled a ton of calls from the doctor and ultimately a call later than afternoon that my mom had died! The final explanation was that she had contracted a terrible throat infection called epiglotitis that caused her airways to very quickly swell and close. She lost oxygen for so long that she was diagnosed with brain death. The actual story is a lot more complicated, but needless to say it was completely unexpected. I did as the good daughter should and went back and took care of everything. My grandparents are gone; my mom had no siblings, and so I at barely 23 began to pick up pieces of a life I expected to know for so much longer. I stayed on the east coast for over a month, and then headed back out here to finish school and get back to work. It’s now been over four months, and I feel like I’m just starting to realize that she’s gone. It’s as if I’ve been so caught up in everything I’ve had to do for her (final arrangements, bills, etc) that in my mind she’s still here. But now the work has lifted, and the truth can’t be avoided, and I feel utterly alone. My family and friends have tried to be here for me, but they just don’t know what this experience is like. Honestly, I don’t want them to know, because it SUCKS and I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. My life has drastically changed and I’m running, trying to catch up, but with one less limb to hold me. At least I’ve found all of you, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to finally start continuing on.

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Welcome Chuckles,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in June. It's true that staying busy and having to deal with everything does keep your mind busy, and can keep you from facing your grief full-on, but it's possible that you're also at the point where the shock and numbness wears off and that's when it starts hitting you. Having been through my dads death in '05, I'm familiar with the "stages" of grief. Facing the fact that she really is gone is so hard, but it's the way to healing. You just have to go through all the emotions and eventually you will get better able to handle them. I'm glad you found this site. It's a great place to get your emotions out to people who truly understand and that's really important. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

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Hi Chuckles,

I too lost my mom. It was a year ago August 1st and I have to say it was the longest year of my life. I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride with no way off. I think of my mom daily and cry often. You have a hard road ahead of you and my advice to you is to let your emotions come as they may.

Libby

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Chuckles,

I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom in Dec.06.

It's been so hard and I miss her everyday. But, I cannot imagine going thru all of this at your age and then trying to finish college. I admire your strength and courage, although I am sure some days you don't feel very strong.

I am glad you found this site, keep coming back , there are wonderful people here who can help. Take care of yourself.

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Thanks for everyone's responses. This has definitely been a rollar coaster ride. And it's hard to because it's unlike any other grief I've gone through. I lost all of my grandparents during the past 5 years, and that was really tough, I was so close to each of them, but it was much more expected. So I was sad, and I cried, but the pain I feel, the anger I feel over my mom's death is something completely new to me. I find myself getting really mad, and I've tried different ways to release the anger but it just hangs. I could smash a 100 plates, and it wouldn't make a difference. I tend to be a very composed, upbeat type of person and because of it I don't like people seeing me break down. But talk about the emotions building inside, sometimes I'm like a tea kettle, and once a week, when it's just my boyfriend and I, the steam begins to scream and it all comes out. Like last night, we were listening to a bunch of 90's tunes, and a cranberry's song came on. Immediately I could picture myself sitting on my mom's bed at gosh, 11 or 12 years old, listening to the album while she was making dinner, and the tears came rushing out. Well, it felt good to get it out. @#$$%^ though, what a messed up world. One day at a time, one breath at a time, and we'll all find our way somehow.

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