Hello I Am New And Hurting

[walter/Erica]

Hi

I am Erica. I lost Walter my husband 5 months ago at age 47 due to cancer. We were married for 25 years.The last 5-10 yrs were the best of my life. We were so in love and had such a challenging , stimulating life. We both love (d)God and were involved in ministry. When he got ill. we walked in faith believing that God would heal and spare my darling.But now I am plagued by the missing , longing ,loneliness. I am preoccupied with Heaven...what Walter is doing right now etc

I still love God but my faith has beeen rocked, battered and brusied. I feel broken and wish that I could Feel God

closer. I feel so abandoned and discarded. However I trust Him to pull me through. God Bless you all. I cannot wait to feel better and differently. It feels like iwill always feel like this

[dpodesta]

Erica,

My wife of 12 years died suddenly of a heart attack so I didn't have the experience that you had however I did have that experience with my mother-in-law. I also had lost faith in God for awhile after my wife Karen died. I have found that when I look back at eveything even though I couldn't feel God with me, he was carrying me through my trials. I have also learned that God answers all prayers and there are only 3 answers either yes, no, or not yet. I know it is hard to know why God had to let your husband die, you will probably never know the answer until you get to Heaven. Just know that God sees the whole picture, we are only able to see such a small part compared to Him. I dealt with wondering why God would take away my 8 year old's mother, he was 6 at the time. I still wonder that from time to time and it has now been a little over 16 months for me now. I still think about what Karen is doing in Heaven, but I know that she is in a better place. When you start to wonder about why God has taken him from you try and look at it this way, he is in a far better place, no more pain, tears, worrys, sickness, he is whole again. He is with our God and Saviour. One day you will get to see him again and it will be a joyous day for you when that happens, for your family and friends still left here on Earth, they will be sad, like you are now. Thinking about it that way has helped me get through this, I hope it helps you as well. May God bless you on this journey and may he give you peace.

Love always

Derek

[WaltC]

Hi

.... I am preoccupied with Heaven...what Walter is doing right now etc

((((Erica))))

My wife for over 40 years died from cancer just 3 months after her initial diagnosis. I have survived this long with the support from some great people that I "met" here and with the thoughts and hope expressed in this Flash Movie. Letter from Heaven

Edited August 16, 2007 by WaltC

[rosanne]

Erika-

I am so sorry about your loss. My mom died of p. cancer June 10th of this year, my world has not only been rocked- I don't even fill whole anymore. I love the Lord and I know everything we should feel and believe but, I also have gone through and still am times that I feel God is not there- mom is not there. We just have to trust and have faith- this is just a temporary home for us our loved one's are in their permanent home waiting for us to come HOME.

[kayc]

Erika,

Let me tell you how sorry I am that you lost your husband. It is the hardest thing one can face, I am sure of that. What you are experiencing with regards to your faith is very common and normal...and God understands that. I have been a Christian since I was young and have been very involved in my church/es, yet when my husband died it all changed. I still believe in God very strongly and have very strong faith, yet I went through a kind of metamorphosis. It is harder to pray now and I am no longer comfortable in church where I see the empty pew he sat in and around people whose lives continue to go on in some semblance of normal where mine does not. It takes time for us to assimilate all that has happened and adjust to all of these changes, let alone try to create a new normal for our lives. Our love continues but our life as we knew it is forever altered. It is not uncommon to have a preoccupation with heaven, after all, we want to know how our loved one is, what they are doing, etc. I rest in the comfort that I will one day join my husband and be with him again, and even though they say there is no marriage in heaven, I don't worry about that, I know God will help us through all of the changes that I cannot now understand or fathom, and that George and I were so special to each other that nothing can change that. I believe I will be with him and with our special pets that have passed on before us, as well as my dad, my mother in law, friends, etc.

There are many stages a person goes through on this grief journey and I want you to know we are here to go through them with you. God is with you even when you feel abandoned or angry, and those feelings are totally okay.

[DoubleJo]

If a person only worships G-d because they expect favors to be given then the relationship exists only to please ones' self. It is precisely at times of great stress and hardship that one turns to G-d for the strength and hopefully some understanding . If your loved one couldn't give you everything you wanted, or didn't promise great big presents, would you have still loved him/her? I think so. To love or be in awe of a supreme power for the purpose of a present( in this case to live forever), is only a partial view of the grand depth of G-ds domain, or powers, if you will.

To feel the presence of our loved one/s is possible because of the uniqueness of a partially known or felt world of being.

Something is there. Due to our own personal states of being we can tap into this existence in our different ways.

I once read this, and it explained things in an interesting way:

In nature, seeds grow. The act of creation occurs. They blow in the wind to germinate. By chance, because of too much wind , or some other cause, some don't land where they can germinate. Some get eaten on the way by a bird.

Because life contains free will and fairness ( this is the hard part to accept), all things are suseptible to these seeds of illness, doom, harship, and also, germinating. Life does not always discriminate. Eventually every person will face a death, a terrible illness, a panic over the loss of a needed job. When these things happen and how may be partially up to factors caused by other people and of cause, by design in a very very big scheme of things. What happens today will effect other people and things tomorrow. How we choose to direct that effect is the one thing totally in our power.

How we deal with this may be how we are judged. But it is also how we make the next step in our lives livable.

Because we cannot always see the reason or answer for something doesn't mean there isn't one. It may be bigger or further along in the future than we can see.

PLease accept these thoughts as a way to think about things that may place a little rest in your mind and heart. Death comes to all. It is very hard when we see it come to someone we loved. They no longer feel this pain, but we do as the survivor. My best- Doublejo

[dpodesta]

Doublejo,

I love what you had to say, that sums it all up. I am curious tho, is there a reason you don't spell out God?

Love always

Derek

[DoubleJo]

Derek: Regarding your question;

In common discussion I am not calling on G-d in prayer, therefore out of respect I do not use His name.

My best, Doublejo

[kayc]

Doublejo,

I agree with a lot of what you said but take exception to life containing fairness and am not sure I agree with "How we deal with this may be how we are judged."

I also wondered about your spelling of God...

I do agree with " But it is also how we make the next step in our lives livable."

I also like how you summed up "If a person only worships G-d because they expect favors to be given then the relationship exists only to please ones' self. It is precisely at times of great stress and hardship that one turns to G-d for the strength and hopefully some understanding . If your loved one couldn't give you everything you wanted, or didn't promise great big presents, would you have still loved him/her? I think so." That is why we can accept God and how He does things even when we don't understand or like it...He is God, much greater and more capable of knowing/understanding than we are. We see in part, He knows the whole. He has a huge divine plan of which we know so little. The important things to remember are that He really does love us, He is with us now, even when we do not feel Him, and we will be present with our loved one again.

Edited August 16, 2007 by kayc

[dpodesta]

Doublejo,

I don't see spelling out God as disrespect, to me it is like spelling Christmas like xmas, however that is my opinion and I will say no more before someone gets offended as this is a discussion that belongs elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, that is your belief and I respect that.

Love always

Derek

[DoubleJo]

Derek: no offense is taken. Isn't it interesting the many meanings something can have for different people? The world is a very big place. We are all used to our own. I am glad you let me know there was something you didn't understand.

Doublejo