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I Need My Mom


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My mom started getting sick in January 07 and on August 17th she was gone. She died from lou gehrigs disease (ALS) and it progressed incredibly fast. For the last 8 months I first just helped out, then as the disease progressed I become mom's 24 hour caregiver so my dad could continue working. The morning she died I kissed her cheek and told her you're free now momma. I meant that to the very core of my soul. My mom knew where she was going and she was anxious to get there and not be trapped in this life with a body that no longer worked. I had accepted her death a week or two before it happened, and at first I felt nothing but love and peace seeing her finally at rest that morning. It hurt horribly, but I knew this was what she wanted and that it more bearable.

I was doing just fine until the people came to take her body away and something got very sick in me. I felt like a little child begging my mommy not to leave me. I knew logically this was just her earthly vessel but I fell apart when they came to take her and refused to leave her side, just as I had refused to leave her side for the last several months. I didn't scream or wail or carry on I just broke down and cried and have felt like a moron ever since for not holding it together.

A while later I calmed down but felt very numb and distant. In front of a full room of people my dad threw his cap at me and told me "hey, straighten up, don't go off the deep end now"

I have had problems with depression and crippling social anxiety since I was very young. I attempted suicide at the age of 14 (many years ago) and have struggled with substance abuse and an assortment of "issues" my whole life. The people in the room at the time all know my past. It was infuriating and humiliating to say the least. I wasn't anywhere near "going off the deep end" I was just hurting just like the rest of them.

Before mom's service Dad asked me "so, how many drama queens are we gonna have today?" I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and he said "well there always has to be at least one drama queen at a funeral, is it gonna be you?" I went to my mothers funeral feeling like I was not allowed to show any emotion whatsoever lest I be labeled the drama queen.

The only way I know how to fight what my heart is really feeling is to get angry. I have distanced myself from everyone and when I am around them I am angry. In the last week my sister has told me repeatedly that I am self-centered, selfish and mean. But I constantly feel as if anger is the only emotion they don't roll their eyes at or tell me to suck it up. Honestly if they weren't constantly telling me to suck ir up and drive on I don't think I'd stop crying any time soon. When I try to explain this to my sister she tells me "it's not only about you" but I don't think she can hear me when I tell her I never want anything to be about me, I just want to be able to cry without you or dad telling me to stop pouting or to stop feeling sorry for myself.

When my sister left on Saturday I hugged her and told her I love you and got teary. Her eyes got teary as well but then our dad told us both to knock it off. I came home after that and fell apart worse than I ever have in my life. I felt like I could finally cry and not be ridiculed or told to knock it off. Not long after I got home my dad came to the door. When he saw I had very obviously been crying he told me I needed to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know what to feel anymore. The only time I allow myself any emotions at all is when I'm home completely alone but everything hurts so intensely that I quickly go from crying and grieving to wanting to commit suicide. I can't handle knowing my only remaining family thinks so badly of me. I have asked my sister repeatedly to please tell me what I'm doing that gives this impression that I'm pouting, or feeling sorry for myself, or wanting everyone's attention, or that I'm so self-centered and selfish. She always says it's just how I act. I swear to God in heaven I don't know what I'm doing that makes them think these horrible things about me.

I told her yesterday not to call me anymore. I can't handle being told how horrible I am anymore. I can't handle them calling me selfish and mean. If I were half as selfish as they seem to think I am I surely would not have taken care of our dying mother every single day for the last many months.

Sorry this is so long with it being my first post and all, I just don't know what else to do or feel or think. I really am not this horrible selfish mean person.

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im really sorry for ur loss and the crap u are having to go thru with ur family. u have every right to cry and show emotion. i wouldnt worry about what they say, dont let them get u down like that. crying does make u feel so much better, it was a month yesterday that my dad passed away. i cry at work sometimes, i hate it and everyone probably looks at me weird but i dotn care. if u need to cry then let it out, dont hold it in not matter who u r in front of. idk why people have to act like that, im sure they are hurting just as much as u are, but are just trying to hide it and be strong. i know exactly how u felt when u didnt want to leave ur moms body, it was really hard for me to, at the funeral it was hard for people to come up and see my dad b/c i couldnt tear myself away from him, and then when it was time for the service and they had to take him i was so upset. again i am really sorry for ur loss. please dont let ur family get u down more then u already are. at least u have all of us to talk to.

hugs

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alonelynobody,

First of all, you are not a nobody! I'm so sorry for your loss (I just lost my mom in June) and it is so devastating. It seems to me that it is your sister and your dad that are being selfish, not you. I just don't understand people who can't be supportive and kind, but unfortunately they're are a lot of people out there like that. I was thinking the same thing while I was reading your post...if you are so selfish, than why were YOU the one to take care of your mom? I'm glad you told your sister not to call you anymore, and I hope I'm not giving you the wrong advice, but I would stay away from anyone (family included) that is making you feel bad right now. If you want to cry, cry. You have every right to and to not feel bad about it. So if being alone for awhile is what it takes to let yourself mourn properly, then be alone. I have had to totally distance myself from several people because they were making me feel bad and honestly, it helped a lot. Good luck and come here to talk, we understand what you are going through.

A huge hug,

Shell

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Hello,

I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom in December. I remember being so shocked at how my dad handled things just moments after she died. He wanted to pack up her things(we were in a hospital). I said we could wait to do that, he got mad and said he wanted to do it now. SO, I helped him. I will never forget him pulling things out of the closet and tossing them on the bed for me to fold. My mom's body was still in the bed. When it was all done, he picked up the bags and went home. I no longer try to make sense of the different ways people handle grief and sadness. It just sounds like your family thinks that showing sadness or emotion is a bad thing. I am so sorry.

You need to cry and be able to talk about your sadness and your mom. I don't think you will get that from your family...it there a grief group where you live,that you could join? keep posting here, there are wonderful people here that can help you. With everything that you have gone thru, you must be a very strong person. And I agree with the other posts, if you are so selfish and selfcentered, why were you taking care of your mom everyday for 6 months?

Take care of yourself and if it is too painful to be around your family right now, take a break from them. You need time to grieve and not keep it all inside.

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You aren't a nobody, but are somebody and are lonely during this time. You shouldn't have to hold it together when you've lost someone precious. Feeling no one understands is devastating to our inner beings. I search daily for strength to go on and I think by being able to share with others in this place is helpful.

Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Poco

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  • 3 weeks later...

Please don't feel bad at crying when your Mom's body was taken away.

Last week, my Mom died at home. In recent weeks, she had developed what was considered capsulitis, which made the shoulder stiff and difficult to change her for fear of hurting her. When I sat next to her dead body on the bed, I found myself lifting the arm up and down telling people to look at it now (I thought rigormortis would set in quickly and was surprised.)

But afterward, I've been ashamed of myself. I was acting ridiculous. Imagine, my Mom had just passed - what kind of respect was that that I showed? I was ashamed of myself.

And yet, when they took Mom's body, everyone wanted me in another room. I waited while she was wrapped but I refused to leave her side as she left the house. I followed her through the rooms to the door. We'd been here all our lives. I wasn't going to leave her side now just because people thought it was too much to see. I didn't cry. But don't you care about crying. Your heart spoke with those tears. Your Dad was out of line tossing his cap like that.

Only Child

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Alonelynobody,

The thing that I found the most surprising and the most appalling after my mother died was the horrible callousness and general rudeness and spite of the people around me.

One would think that after such a horrible life-altering event, that people would be overly kind, not overly rude or even evil. You shouldn’t have to put up with such wretched remarks, and I must say; I am completely blown away by them (your dad sounds like my Grandfather).

I have never heard of such cruelty.

With that said, I am overjoyed that you have turned to this community. Seek here the compassion that is sorely lacking in your life, and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I am deeply sorry to hear of your mother's death. Good luck with your family, and much love.

The Duke

Edited by northern duke
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