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It's been just over 2 months sinse my fiance', Rick, has left..I am still in so much pain..The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to that understands what I am feeling...Every day I go to work and people just lay their problems on me and I'm thinking "I DON'T CARE..WHAT ABOUT ME?"

Maybe that sounds selfish but, right now, that's how I feel..I just don't want to hear their drama..I just want to get through mine...I miss Rick SO very much..He was my everything...We had the most incredible relationship..Being with him was like being with myself at all times..there was No embarassment or judgement or modesty, or Bull****. We were open and honest about everything..There was nothing we couldn't share with each other...The intimacy between us was on another level...I miss my BEST FRIEND!!! He was the only one who totally understood me and accepted me as I am...he is the ONE person I need to talk to the most about all this pain..and he is the one it's about...Catch 22?

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Natascha, dear,

I'm so very sorry -- my heart goes out to you as you travel along this very difficult journey.

I want to share with you a piece that appears on my Web site's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page, because I think it captures so beautifully what you're feeling, and I hope it will help you feel some of the comfort and understanding you're seeking:

The Agony of Grief

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,

smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,

sweeps you up into its darkness,

where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,

only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.

Grief means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time.

It is walking into rooms with intention that suddenly vanishes.

Grief is three o'clock in the morning sweats that won't stop.

It is dreadful Sundays, Mondays that are no better.

It makes you look for a face in the crowd,

knowing full well the face we want cannot be found in that crowd.

Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind

and makes room for the phantasmagoric.

It makes you suddenly get up and leave in the middle of a meeting,

without saying a word.

Grief makes what others think of you moot.

It shears away the masks of normal life

and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth

before propriety can stop you.

It shoves away friends,

scares away so-called friends,

and rewrites address books for you.

Grief makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk,

right to their faces.

It tells the world that you are untouchable

at the very moment when touch

is the only contact that might reach you.

It makes lepers out of upstanding citizens.

Grief discriminates against no one.

It kills. Maims. And cripples.

It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises,

and the mettle of rebirth.

It returns life to the living dead.

It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true or untrue.

It assures the living that we know nothing for certain.

It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens. It enlightens.

Grief will make a new person out of you,

if it doesn't kill you in the making.

Stephanie Ericsson

in Companion Through The Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief

Thinking of you tonight, and wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 1 month later...

<< there was No embarassment or judgement or modesty, or Bull****. We were open and honest about everything..There was nothing we couldn't share with each other...The intimacy between us was on another level...I miss my BEST FRIEND!!! He was the only one who totally understood me and accepted me as I am...he is the ONE person I need to talk to the most about all this pain..and he is the one it's about... >>

I could have written these words myself. I lost the most wonderful, caring, understanding, and the most important person in my life 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were only together a short period of time but it was the happiest I had been in years and years. I loved him so much. He died suddenly, within 10 minutes....he was gone. I relive it over and over and over. Every memory of him is good except that day, and I relive it over and over and over. I have supportive friends....but like you, HE is the one I need to talk to. HE would understand more than anybody and he would listen. I sob every night and tell him I NEED to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me that it's alright and all I can think of is that it's not alright , nothing is right about this, he should still be here and this shouldn't have happened. I want him back so bad I could scream, just to talk one more time. I can't take this contineous pain, my heart feels like it's being ripped out all the time. I have lost my mother and many other relatives. I grieved and miss them terribly, but nothing to the extent of this horrible, contineous anquish. He was the most best friend I've ever had or ever will have in my life. He took my heart and soul with him and I pray he knows that and we'll see each other in the afterlife. That's all I can hope for now, I don't feel that I have anything or any purpose anymore.

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