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I Don't Know Who I Am Without Him


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My husband was killed in a tanker truck accident two and a half weeks ago. He was 35 and we'd just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary 3 weeks before his death. He was my third husband... and my best friend. I was a better person with him than I'd ever been alone or with anyone else. He was generous, kind, and honorable. He stepped into my son's life and took the position of father, without hesitation. We were complete together. He just... filled in my empty spots. I can't imagine every day for the rest of my life just devoid of his presence. Now that he's gone, I find myself, so many minutes/hours/days, feeling completely cracked apart and put back together the wrong way. My thoughts wander, my brain doesn't work the way it should(I've screwed up some really basic math the last two weeks... me, a person who works with numbers all the time and has always run the household money... couldn't multiply 9 times 5 the other day. I kept multiplying 9 times 6. Seriously.), crowds freak me out (I had to go to the mall a couple of times, once for a funeral dress and once for glasses... both times did NOT go well. Felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. Everything was too big, too loud, too... much.), etc. I don't know who I am anymore, with him gone. I don't feel like me. I feel like the best parts of what made me me went over the side of that mountain with him. My heart is broken and, on top of it all, I feel just so very lost.

I miss him. I just want him to come back home.

God, now the tears again...

Loren

Below is my husband, Jonathan, with my/our boys.

post-4237-1188529916_thumb.jpg

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Hi Loren

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the way you are currently feeling. I know those feelings well and my heart reaches out to you.

Things that have helped me( lost my darling husband at age 47, 6 months ago)

Just feeling the feelings( pain/grief), going with the flow, letting it out and doing feel good things for you,nurturing youreslf , as you are the best judge of your needs right now.Also my faith in God in spite of feling abandoned and even punished. my prayer is that God will help you in the same way He has helped me ( even more). Just call out of the depths of your pain to Him. Also participating in these discusssions on thsi site, where you find fellow human beings who can truly empathize. I thank God for them

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Loren,

What you are going through is normal. Right now you are so new into this and so much is going on that it is hard to keep it all straight. I am finding stuff now at work that I worked right after Karen died that is completly out of whack and I am thinking to myself, "What was I thinking?" We aren't in our right mind in the begining. As time moves on our mind will get clearer. I had to go to work shortly after her death, I couldn't afford not to. It was hard but the people on this site got me through it.

Love always

Derek

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For a week after the memorial service (we couldn't have a regular funeral, which was really hard for me to take. Not because of not being able to see him or anything like that, but just knowing why we couldn't have a regular funeral... God, I hurt for him) I was so detached. I couldn't cry, couldn't feel. Everything seemed just out of reach, like I was wrapped in insulation. Then, all of a sudden, everything shook loose, and the last 6 days have been progressively harder and harder. I know this whole process is just starting for me, but it already feels like years since I've seen him.

I'm going out of town tonight with my sons and my nephew... going up to Daddy's (yes, I'm 37 and still call my father Daddy. I catch a lot of flak for that *small laugh here*) lake house to try and relax for a few days. I'm not sure how easy it will be, since Jonathan and I loved to go there and spend time together, but I'm hoping it will help. Also hoping Daddy will stay off my back about going back to work. He's been very upset with me for not jumping right back to work, but I honestly just can't right now. I don't know how people do it... I admire those that can, but I'm just not as strong as he wants me to be, I guess. Jonathan's company is making sure Connor and I are okay financially until benefits work out (which can take forever), so I don't know why he thinks it's so wrong for me to not go back to work if I can afford to stay home for awhile.

Sorry, I know this got all babble-ish. Another day that promises to be full of emotional moments.

Thank you, Derek and Erica, for reaching out to me. I feel like a giant whiner, but I have to let it out somewhere, I guess. Kind of getting angry at the friends and family around me that say things like 'Oh, you just have to distract yourself' or 'You can't let it get you down; you just have to move on with your life'.

Gah.

Take care and be well, both of you.

Loren

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Loren,

You will find that people that have not gone through this just won't understand. If you are able to stay home for awhile, then by all means do it, I wish I could have. Take the time you need, each person is different in how they handle grief and the time frame it takes to get through it. Sometimes you will just have to let what people say go in one ear and out the other. Anything you post here will not be considered whinning, you are right you need to be able to get it out and this is the perfect outlet for it. Come here and post as often as you need to. I can remember times when it was all I could do to crawl up in a ball and be shaking and post on this web site waiting for a response. It usually didn't take very long before someone would respond with a word of encouragement.

Love always

Derek

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Loren -

I know what you mean about going through the memorial service without tears. I felt like I didn't really miss him (my husband passed 4 1/2 weeks ago. I'm glad you are able to make tiny little jokes (like the one about "Daddy"). That will help you in the end. I am glad you finally broke down. I think once you get past the denial stage, the healing might be able to begin. I still haven't gotten through to that stage. To me, it still feels like he's away on a business trip, or something.

Please try to keep your humor, and enjoy the time with your boys. They miss their dad too and it helps to cry together.

Sarah

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Loren,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. It is one of the hardest things one can face in life. Please don't feel you're babbling, we all understand loss, we've been there. I called my father "Daddy" too and I'm not a bit ashamed of it, he was and always will be my daddy, and he's been gone over 25 years now. It's fortunate that you don't have to worry about money just yet and can take the time off...I had to go back to work two weeks after my husband died, and it was really hard to keep my mind on work, although it distracted me some and filled some of the hours. People have been talking about losing their focus, making mistakes (math, etc.) - I STILL don't have my right mind back after over two years, so don't feel bad if you find that happening.

You will learn to be assertive and stand up for yourself to people...they mean well but sometimes they say inappropriate things that aren't right. Telling you to move on is not appropriate particularly when you just lost your husband! "Can't let it get you down"??? If this can't get you down, what can? Some of these people with the free advice should try it before they speak!

Please voice yourself here and feel free to vent in the days ahead, you will undoubtedly need to and that's what we're here for.

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I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I always wish my Larry would come home too! Its a hard journey, this grief, and its normal that you would feel lost. Thank you for sharing your photo, your family is beautiful. It is such a tragedy, he was so young. This site is filled with people who lost the ones they love so we know and understand. Keep writing, it will help you to find your way. We are thinking of you. Deborah

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Hi LOren

Sorry about your loss. All you feel at present is normal, so do not beat yourself up. You will get a lot of support from people on this site. Like you my partner died in a car crash 5 months ago, he was only 31 and it is a terrible shock. Together with visiting this site I found keepng a journal very useful.

Like what Derek is saying do not let what people say upset you. People who have not experienced what we are experiencing do not have an idea. The sometimes do not understand.

Jessica

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I just got back from the lake house. Came home a day early. It was a lot harder to be there than I expected. I kept breaking down at the most unexpected moments. I just... well, the lake house has always been my refuge, in a way, so I thought it would be this time, too. Unfortunately, my heart has already imprinted Jonathan all over the lake house from the times we'd go there to have special weekends together and whatnot, so every time I turned around, I'd just be slapped in the face with him ... missing. It was horrid. And Daddy, God love 'im, just didn't know what to say or do to help me. He's usually very stoic, my father, and he's just at a loss. He's one of the 'get back to work and distract yourself so you can move on' people in my life. I love him, but I want to strangle him. My heart still feels like it's been just ripped from my chest; the thought of 'distracting' myself is just laughable to me right now. How can I NOT think about my husband?

*sighs*

Thank you all so much for your kindness. It already helps me to know that here are people that understand what I'm going through, since the majority of the people in my life just can't.

And thank you, Deborah... I love that picture. My boys are cuties, if I do say so myself, but my husband? God, he was so handsome (to me)... just seeing his picture is one of the most bittersweet things imagineable. It warms me, but it also drives home what I won't see again, you know?

Sometimes I just can't breathe.

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