6 Months Already

[Stallyn]

Hi my dear friends, well tomorrow is 6 months without my soulmate, Its been a dark, depressing, lonely, exhausting time for me, I don't feel like I have accomplished much, I still cry every night, please pray for me that the enemy will not attack me in the following days. It seems a year to me as far.

Truly,

William

[karenb]

My friend....Nothing will ever attack you! You are here, you are surviving, and because of that you are going on. You are young in your progress, only 6 months, and you have some things you may be working out. Keep on working, my friend. Two years for me, now, and I went fishing for humpie salmon and silvers, in their run, into a local river here. I caught one, about 5+ pounds and my son-in-law is going to smoke it for me. I'm making little gifts for lady friends for Christmas, joined a church womens' group, and my beautiful thoughts always are of my just great, wonderful husband, evem when I'm fishing....which is one of the things things he taught me. We are here, now, because we are survivors. You are one!!! Just remember to try to love yourself, you are special or you wouln't be here. Just take care.

Your friend....Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen,

thank you, that means alot to me, you have been resourceful, 2 years, I can't imagine, but you doing it, you know, today I went to a local Target and saw a guitar on clearance and debated if I should buy it and learn, of course I hesitated to grab it, I felt my wife's blessing and words in my heart telling me to learn something new. I know what you mean, I been up and down with my moods and I really need to do something about it. Thanks for guiding me!

Your friend always,

William

[dpodesta]

William,

I think that during the first 6 months you really don't acomplish much. You are usually so much in shock and there are so many things that are different. You are doing well, just keep coming here.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

I feel so, I still think shes here at times, thanks for the affirmation, I guess I still have the path to finish yet..

Truly,

William

[kayc]

William,

You are right on schedule in your grief...six months is one of the hardest times, as you've heard before, shock wears off and reality sets in. I promise you it will get better, just little by little. You will begin to work things out and adjust, just bit by bit, sometimes such small bits you will not notice your progress until you look back. Hang in there, you are actually doing well, it just doesn't seem like it to you.

[Stallyn]

The big "6" I wasn't aware it is the hardest, lately every night I cry myself to sleep, thanks for showing me that some progress has been made, I wouldn't look in the mirror and think that, is it true that it can linger for years?

Blessings,

William

[lorikelly]

I know for me the first 6-8months were some of my darkest. It really hit me around the 5th month which happened to be around Christmas. I remenber laying my head on the table christmas night saying i will never make it. i truely believed i could not go on. I did and each day seemed a tiny bit better. i still have really horrible days but know i am able to recognize them, deal with them and be able to push on. the other months i could not do that, i was just exsisting. i will be praying for you. Lori

[kayc]

William,

Yes it can linger for years, but it's not the same as it was at first or at six months...it lessens in intensity and you do get more used to it. And it takes a new course of its own...I've learned to carry George with me in my heart as a source of comfort and strength and peace, rather than one of just pain.

[suzanne]

William

I too reached six months on the 2nd. I guess our soulmates both died on the same day, March 2, and I feel your pain and know how bad it hurts. I wish I had some words of comfort to offer but I don't. Just know I am thinking of you and praying that all of us here can find our way somehow. I spent my day on the second at the funeral home for my father and it doubled the agony. I am with you on this long dark journey, you don't walk alone. All of us are here for you, please hang in there.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I am sorry you are going through this double whammy...it's hard enough with one loss.

[Stallyn]

Does it really get better or does it just linger for so many years? I dare not think thats something to contend with my health the way it is, Suzanne, I am sorry you had the experience and yes you comfort me please know that, I am more of a man to come here and have such peace the world doe's not offer, I often think this is a stepping stone for each of us to evolve further and higher, not so much human but closer to our creator. I wish peace for all of you that feel the pain as I do, and always a big hug to you all!

Your friend,

William

[kayc]

William,

It does linger, but not in the same way, it changes and takes a course of its own. There are times I am overcome with grief and cry, and there is an ongoing cloud I cannot define, neither happy nor sad, just something I carry with me that I didn't have before, a heaviness or presence or something that I can define only as grief...yet I also carry George within my heart as a source of comfort and strength, something no one can ever take away from me...I feel I can reach for him any time and talk to him (in my mind). I feel like he hears me, even though I have no evidence of that, it's just a feeling...maybe it's one I conjure because I want it to be, but maybe it is, too, who knows? There is so much about the hereafter that we don't know, I only know I can trust it to be okay, to be better than this. For the most part, I have accepted George's death.

My brother in law just had a very complicated surgery...him and my sister have been married for 35 years and never had children...she said, after the surgery, that if he had not made it, she would have wanted to have killed herself. But we love her, it would have been extremely hard on the rest of us if she would have done that...and yet I understand totally, the not wanting to go on without them, the unbearable excruciating pain of losing your best friend and spouse. It is what we have had to face. I think in a way it is hardest for those who have been married a long, long time, for their adjustment is huge...however, I don't think the level of loss or grief measures with duration of time, but rather quality of relationship. There are some, to whom, death comes as a relief to a very painful and troubled relationship. George and I were together (in years) a short time, and yet we were soul mates, we were one, we had a special relationship that one can only hope for once in a lifetime. He was the one with whom I clicked, the one with whom I shared faith and understanding and love. I will never stop missing him. I go on now, trying to find something to live for...mostly living day to day, with no real purpose, yet still I try, not giving up, hoping things will eventually get better...I think it takes a long, long time. Yet even though it takes a huge amount of time and energy to rebuild our lives, we can't let that daunt us, we have to try, what can be gained by giving up? And we just may, in the end, build something good. I think we must be patient with ourselves and not expect miracles overnight. For in that moment on June 19, 2005 at around 6:00 p.m. everything in my world, everything within me, everything as I knew it...changed. My rapport with God, my everyday existence, everything...never to be the same again. There are those moments in your life that define everything else...one of those moments was when I was divorced from my kids' dad after 23 years of marriage...we were suddenly no longer a family, no longer anything, disintegrated, and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty together again. In the same way, the moment George died everything disintegrated for me again, in a different way. It's odd how you can be going along fine one moment and in the next, your whole life has changed.

[jess22]

Hi William

Just hang in there. it is a really difficult journey we are going through. It has been 5 months for me and it is hard. I think it is comforting to hear from people like KayC, Karen and Derek who have been in this a while. Their words always keep me going, especially on those really difficult days.

Let us know how you are getting on.

Take care and lots of hugs

Jessica

[dpodesta]

William,

Right now it is very difficult, but as Kayc said, over time the feelings aren't as intense. I know for me it was a matter of acceptance. Once I accepted Karen's death, i was then able to start working through my grief and get better. It has now been 17 months and there are still times here and there that I get depressed. I still find that I can't look at pictures of her for very long. I have one on my desk at work of her and my son, and I find that I look at only once in awhile., and when I do I still can't believe that she is gone. However I am ok with it, I know in my heart that God knows what he is doing and that I have to trust in Him. And you are right William, uyou are more of a man then most out there, because you can come here and share what is on your heart and mind. Most men can't do that and that is why there is so few of us here. More power to you and God bless you and carry you.

Love always

Derek

[Guest moparlicious]

After reading all these wonderful uplifting messages to help William. Let me tell you this my friend........ I am healing, growing and learning from you. I am young (40)as well as my husband was. He died on 8/20/07 of cancer, and fought for a year to stay with his family. His heart was going one way and that was to stay here on earth with his family and his disease was going another. I have been with my soul mate for 24 years, and I too am NOT looking forward to any holidays, or even the next day. All of left here on earth walking this journey together one step at a time, so with that, please accept my heart to all of you, for all the memories I have will never change. Journals are wonderful. God bless you today and everyday. Kim

[Stallyn]

Kay,

I empathize with what you said, I also had a very good marriage, we never spent a day apart in the years we were married, I just thought how the pain is more intense with that, unfortunately some people don't have a good marriage, but far and few between, All of us here have had a good bond with our mates, You know what bothers me too? The fact if it IS possible to attain that kind of relationship again, I don't think so, if love is being given again is a mystery, but I don't want another heartache to find out.

My friends, old and some new, it seems easier now with your posts and experiences, some new as mine, and the responses, wow an answer from God! We probably wouldn't fare as well with out each other I believe, of course I waited

several months before I came on here and wish it was sooner, the compassion, love, communication is something special to me and its OK to express myself here without rebuke. I still cry myself to sleep, and I really don't fit in my place anymore, I feel like I am living someone else's life and more dependent on my faith to live, if I had a choice, I would not, but I don't know what really drives us to survive this catastrophe. Is it honoring the memory of our spouses that keeps us "living". My heart is with each one of you, I pray that peace abundantly fills your hearts as you comforted me.

Your friend,

William