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It Hurts So Bad!


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Hi,this is my first try at expressing what I am feeling after the death of my wife of 20 years just two weeks ago, after a two and one half year battle with NHL. Millie was my life, we had a very special love for each other, and I miss her much more than I can ever express. I am 70 years old, she was 62, but anyone who did not know our age mistook us for 50 something. I know now that it was Millie that kept me feeling and acting so young, I feel today that I have aged 20 years.

It has only been two weeks, but, so far, every day is a little worse, and those two weeks seem like years, time goes so slow. I wait for the day to be over, only to find I cannot sleep and lie awake, waiting for the night to be over. Will it ever get better??

I am writing this partly because reading other posts about the experience of others, has been one of the greatest helps for me. Maybe it is knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

We knew several weeks before Millie's death that the outcome of the last chemo was probably not going to be good, and even had some time to prepare as we watched the cancer develop and make her sicker and sicker. Everything happened much faster than predicted by the medical community.

What was suppose to take months, took only weeks, and what was predicted to take weeks, took only days. Millie was enrolled in the Hospice program for only one day, the Hospice nurse made her initial vist on Friday, August 17, and Millie died at 4:00 pm on Saturday, August 18. She had wanted to die at home with family and friends around her, and she did.

I miss her so very much, but am torn between wanting the hurting to stop, and not wanting to forget her!

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I'm glad you have come here for the empathy and all the loving kindness that the people here provide. We all know what you're going through. Thank God for your family and thank God for the wonderful years you and Millie spent together. I know she's watching over you and prays for your future to become less torn. The hurting will eventually lessen, you will never forget or quit loving her but you will become somewhat accustomed to this "new" life. I'm 68 and lost my husband two years ago and found that it just takes "baby" steps along the way. I hope you might have some faith to support you, even if you may forget it for awhile. I am so sorry. It's such a hard road but you will make it. Go with your feelings and come back and tell us how you're doing.

Your friend....Karen

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Lyn1,

You are so fresh into this, but it sounds like you are very in touch with what you are feeling right now. You said you are torn between feeling the pain and not wanting to forget your wife. Believe me, just because the pain will deminish does not mean you will forget her. Right now when you think about her there is a lot of pain associated with those memories, you miss her a lot right now and that is very painful. As time goes on you will start to remember her without the pain, you will remember the good times you had and the pain won't be there as deeply. You will always remember Millie, she will have a special spot in your heart that will never go away. I am sad for your loss, I wish none of us had to go through this, but I am glad that you have found this site and hope that will help you as much as it has helped me.

Love always

Derek

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Thank you karenb and dpodesta. I know I am very new with this, it still seems to be getting more difficult with every day. Today is particularly difficult. Last Labor Day Millie and I were in Yellowstone Park, on our way to Seattle to visit our Son, and as part of a 5,100 mile road trip. The cancer was back even then but we did not know it until we returned. It is difficult right now to picture a time when anything is important to me again, I'm just waiting for today to end.

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My brother lives in Seattle, I know the feelings you are going through all too well, where it is difficult to get through the day. I looked forward to night so I could take a sleeping pill and go to sleep so I didn't have to feel. At the very begining it is difficult to see the future, when stuff will mater again to you. It does happen again, just take it one day at a time and try not to think about the future right now, Just concentrate on today.

Love always

Derek

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Im sorry for your loss .I know that it hurts to much .I hurt to much also and realy can not be of any help .I just wanted to say that Im your wifes age and my husband Yiany that died 10 months ago was 72 .Yiany Died of cancer within 10 days ,WE did not have the time to say goodby and I dont remember one day that we dit not say I love you. Coming to this site helps alot .I live so far away in greece and the only support I found was here.I found your thoughts so close to mine especialy when you say you feel 20 years older.Maybe one day the pain will be easier.My thoughts to you. TENY

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