Greiving For My Husband, Dying Inside

[Guest moparlicious]

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and have been together for 24 years.My husband died on 8/20/2007, of cancer. I was with him when he went to heaven and we spent every single day together 24/7 together. I got fired from my job of almost 3 years to care for my husband.Let me tell you that was a true blessing, being with him was far more important than any job. Every day I get up and think, "Oh here I go another day to get up, without him" This is such a horrible feeling. I don't know what to do with myself,where to turn, or how to face this world.So many what if's go through my mind uncertanties.Did I do enough and everything humanly possible to help keep him alive???? Then family members,are blaming me for him dying(my husband and I talked about this and I told him awhile before he died this would happen)One of his sisters thinks I let Hospice od(overdose)him.Why doesn't anyone know? He wanted to go to Hospice and he was so tired of radiation, chemotherapy, throwing up every single day for the past 13 months,and hurting so bad. Our 3 children and myself are so sad without him.He was 41 years old.Please, if you have any suggestions or comments for our family, please help.I love him so much and wish I could be with him.

[lyn]

Loving someone deeply and losing him suddenly is the most painful thing that happened to me. By accepting the pain, we are on our way through healing, though it will take time. It is normal to go through the different kinds of emotions, and it is always a roller-coaster ride. One day, u are feeling a little better and the next day, it will get worse again.

I was told once that the reason i am hurting deeply is because i have also loved deeply. Yes, it is true, i have loved deeply, have loved with all my heart.

Be thankful that u were given the chance to spend the last few days with your husband together, to tell him how much u love him. I was deprived of the chance of being with him, but we both know in our hearts how much we love each other, and this is what encourages me to keep going, to honor him by trying to live my life well.

You know in your heart that u have done all your best to keep him alive. Your husband will never want u to feel guilty in any way. Right now, all we can do is to take each day one day at a time, not to expect anything, not to think of the future. Keep expressing your emotions, write a journal, cry, it will help a lot.

I will be praying for u and your children morpalicious.