So Tired

[Gail_R]

I'm so tired. It's almost 5 am here and I'm awake and have been since 2:30. I have been like that all week. i just cann't sleep but I am so tired. What is wrong with me? This week is like the first few months that Bruce was gone. I just cann't seem to get anything done all I do is go around in circles. I'm so lost without him. I still cann't believe that he is gone and it has been 7 1/2 months. My life is like a rollercoster ride it's up and down One minute and fine and the next I'm sitting here crying. i think that I'm having more blue days then good days. Blue day's are days for me where all I won't to do is lay in our bed and cry or just sleep. When will things get better? Today is Sunday and this is the day that I always to and see Bruce and talk to him. This is not how I thought that our life would be like. If I look back even 8 months ago I did not see myself going to his grave and putting flowers as there was not a thing wrong with him or so we thought. And now he is gone and for why??? That is the question that I ask myself everyday why did this have to happenWHY??? Some days are so hard I don't think that I can make it without him. Bruce I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. Thank you to all for being here for me it does help to come here and post and have people that understand what it is I'm going through I don't how I would get through this without your help . Gail

[Guest moparlicious]

Gail,

I have not been walking this nightmare as long as you, but I too feel what you are going through. I cannot sleep, I overeat, I think about my husband all the time. They say it gets easier, but to me going to bed just means I have to face another day without my beloved husband. I really have no words to say except I am sorry and I am a young widow(40)My husband was only 41, we were together for 24 years.I have no grave to visit him, for he wanted cremated. I heard the American Cancer Society has a place for him.I am sorry you are going through this. Please stay in contact with me, for we can walk this journey together. Maybe the circle we both seem to be spinning will join us to get through another day. God bless.Kim

[Gail_R]

Dear Kim

i also am so sorry for your loss. I to am not that old just turned 49 at the end of July. Bruce died very suddenly. We were out curling with our kids when he went outside to get my hair clip and that is the last time that I saw him alive. I have so much guilt it was my ideal that we go and curl with our kids. The kids and I went to see the doctor after Bruce died and he said that what he had was a timebomb that could go off at anytime so it could have happen here at home and that I don't think that I could stay in our home the town that it happened at I don't have to go there again if that is what I chose. The days are getting better but when I have a bad day it is BAD. I hope that are days get better and I will be thinking about you. Gail

[LarrysGirl]

Gail, I know it is hard and you feel very tired. I think the first thing to go is sleep and its the last thing to get back to some sort of normalcy. It seems to aggravate the pain, when you can't get rest. People said to me in the beginning, take care of yourself, rest, but I still tried to take care of and do everything as if nothing had happened. I ran out of steam. I'm trying to let go of things I feel need to be done, just to give my body some rest. Try to pace yourself, it is going to take some time. At 22 months I still don't feel like myself. I don't know if I ever will again. I wanted you to know that we all feel like you, you are not alone. Deborah

[Gail_R]

Thank you Deborah it is good to know that there are other people that feel like I do. You are so right that i need to take care of myself but it is hard as a mother you take care of others first your kids and the rest of the family before yourself that is what we do has moms.But if don't take care of ourself then we are no good for the others. So thank you again for the kinds words they help. Gail

[kayc]

Gail,

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you checked with the doctor about some sleeping pills? The doctor gave me some when George died and he said they weren't addictive, but I never did use them. It was a comfort to know they were there though if I needed to have them. As Karen said in another post, it's really important to take care of ourselves. I, too, know what it is like to overeat, when George died I lost 16 pounds and now I've gained it all back and then some. Stress/depression can do that to us. It helps to get out and take a walk everyday, try not to be alone too much, keep yourself busy if possible. We're here to listen, too.

[Gail_R]

kayc Thank you for your reply. I t helps to know that there are other people out there that feel like I do. But I am so afraid to take anything. I like you lost over 20lbs after Bruce passed away and now I have put it all back on and them some. I think that the not sleeping thing as to do with our 31 wedding anniversary coming up next week on Sept 18th. All I can think about is how unfair lives is why did this have to happen of us. I know in my head that he is never coming back but I just wish that this was just a bad dream and we was here with me I MISS HIM SO MUCH it's not fair. Sorry it's a really bad day for me. Gail

[kayc]

Gail,

You are so right, it is unfair. I am sorry, the anniversaries are hard. I will pray for you on the 18th. It is an arduous process to reach the point of acceptance of their death, one that is very hard and takes time...I remember also feeling like it seemed like a bad dream that I wished I could awaken from...somewhere along the way I have realized that it isn't a dream, it is real and my life has changed. Give yourself much time to absorb all of this, you have much to assimilate. My heart goes out to you.