Guest moparlicious Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Hello all, I am new to this site and I really need some helpful advice.My husband of 20 years, together for 24 years, passed away of cancer on 8/20/07. He was in Hospice because he wanted to be.We talked and spent sooooooooooo much time together, I was with him when he took his last breathe. That will forever burn a impact of sadness in my brain.My husband has 2 sisters. One sister is a nurse and called or came by all the time.Did alot for us, we were close.The other sister does nothing for work and is on a constant pitty pot for herself. She was not around, hardly ever, but my husband did try to talk to her on a daily basis, even if he did not care for her, he loved her. We had a memorial for my husband and a friend of mine told me she heard her trash talking at the memorial about me, to her other sister. This was told to me and I confronted her about it. That was 3 days ago.Yesterday she began to text message me and call me every name in the book, as well as telling our children what a lying f*****g c**t I was. She then proceeded to tell me how my husband supposedly said all this bad stuff about me. Now,her new thing is,I am not family and she is glad.Then, she says stuff like she is glad her brother is dead, to be rid of me.This forced me to call the police, with 68 text messages and some phone calls. Now, I am getting a order of protection on Mon. This is causing great despair in my heart and I cannot take this. Please help, I am going crazy.She has pulled this before and my husband was very angry,he made her apoligize and did not speak to her for a bit. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 KimI lost my husband six months ago so I don't have a lot of advice for but I do know how you feel. Don't pay attention to his relatives, you know your husband loved you and there is nothing they can say to take that away from you. I somewhat understnd what you mean. My husband had three children that want nothing to do with me anymore and I've learned to not let myself get upset over it. It's not worth the grief they cause when we have so much else to overcome. The people on here will be of great comfort to you. They do understand. Take care of yourself and hang in there. People say it does get better. I also had my husband cremated and I have his ashes in our bedroom in a beautiful cherry box. It's a lot of comfort to me to put flowers beside it and it makes me feel like he is still here with me. Just know you have friends here to listen anytime and walk with you through this dark, lonely painful journey. Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 My goodness, you certainly are having a horrible time. I am so sorry about your husband. That, alone, is extremely hard to deal with and that lady must not be well herself. It sounds like she really needs some help. You must be a very strong person to deal with all of this. I think you've come to a good place to find very understanding and compassionate people who are dealing with some painful feelings as well. I lost my husband 2 years ago and know that it takes a day at a time getting used to this "new life." My husband had three children and I have not heard one thing from them since his memorial. People can do very strange things in these situations. I really hope you take care of yourself, try and surround yourself with caring people and protect yourself from this "lady." Let us know how you're doing.Your friend...Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Karen and Suzanne,Tnankyou for both of your kind words of advice.I now can get out of bed and continue on my day to face the world.I love the idea of putting flowers with his cremations. That's great!!! I talk to him every day and I know he is with me.This is hard times and with all of you, I will make it. Does anyone know of any support groups in Phoenix,AZ or Glendale,AZ I really need to go. The car is a great place to go and scream!! I wonder? What in the world is wrong with people? Must we hurt more?? Thanks again, Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 You might ask Marty here. She may know of some support groups or where you might look.Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smhenglish Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Chances are the people around you already see her as someone with a serious problem. Talk to the people that are close to you and let them know how this is hurting you. Often times they will "circle the wagons" around you to try to protect you from outside harm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Sarah,Thank you so much and thank you to everyone for opening their arms,hearts,and everything today. Boy I needed you all today!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!! Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 Do whatever you can to protect yourself. Karen always offers wonderful advice and never misses the mark...truly this woman, as Karen said, must not be well herself. Surround yourself with supportive people and please try to stay away from his sister, she has some serious problems. You have done right by contacting the police. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missingcharlie Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 Hi Kim! First I want to tell you that my heart goes out to you over the loss of your husband. I lost my beloved husband, Charlie, almost 3 years ago and I STILL miss him terribly!!!! But I'm learning to live with myself and by myself....it has become the "norm" not to have him here (I'm sad to say...). We were together about 21 years - the best years of my life. He and I were very happy and loved each other very much - he passed from cancer, also.Hopefully Marty (our online support counselor, here) will read your post and give you some info. on places in Arizona. She lives here in Phoenix - I say "here" because I live in Buckeye. Are you in Glendale? I know it's sort of early, but I wanted to tell you about our widow/widower lunch get together that we have here in Phoenix each 3rd Sat. of the month. It's coming up THIS coming Saturday and as I said, I know it's early in your grief, BUT we would LOVE to have you come and join us.... We meet at Applebee's at Central & Camelback at 1pm. Some of us live in Scottsdale, some central Phoenix, some of us live way-the-heck out there... so we figured central phoenix would be the best place to meet. Our "group" is mostly women, usually only one guy named Gerry shows up, but we just have lunch. It's not a pity-party session or anything....we just enjoy getting together for lunch with each other because we all have something in common. You are MORE THAN WELCOME to talk about your situation or your husband or anything you'd like. We are there to listen and give you support and LOTS of hugs!!! We absolutely welcome anyone that would like to come. I think we are all in about the same age group. I'm 52...some are in there early 60's, some others in their 50's, maybe even late 40's. But we don't care how old you are!!!! It's a fairly small group - we usually only have 4-10 people, just depends on people's schedules. If you are not ready to come and join us yet, we completely understand. Just keep us in mind because we would LOVE to have you come eat lunch and meet us.Anyway, I'm glad you have found "our" website. Everyone here is very understanding and we all try to help each other. We are here for you!!!Feel free to email me. You can reach me through this website. Just click on my "name"...missingcharlie and it will take you to another screen that will allow you to email me. IF that doesn't work, just write me here. I check the posts every day even tho I don't post too much any more....Hugs to you!!! Take care of yourself and if you can or want to, we'd love to have you come to our lunch.Patti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 Dear Kim,I'm so sorry to learn not only of the death of your beloved husband (as if that in itself weren't enough), but also of all the difficulties you're having with some of his family members. Since your husband was a patient on HOV's service, you will be getting a call from one of our Bereavement Counselors very soon (if you haven't already) explaining all the services we offer, including in-person support groups, short-term individual bereavement counseling, bimonthly newsletters, access to our lending library, periodic telephone follow-up visits with one of our volunteers, etc. In addition, simply by coming to this Web site, I think you've already discovered that you've found your way to one of the most caring, compassionate group of people you will find anywhere. You asked, "Does anyone know of any support groups in Phoenix,AZ or Glendale,AZ?" You will find a schedule of all the "in person" support groups sponsored by Hospice of the Valley here: Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Services (Once on the site, click on the link entitled Hospice of the Valley Grief Support Groups.)In addition, you can always contact the HOV Bereavement Office by phone for a referral to a group that fits your schedule, even if it's not sponsored by HOV. Just telephone the office, at 602-530-6970, and someone there will be happy to help you.Be sure to see the articles, books and online resources listed on the Death of a Spouse or Partner page of my Grief Healing Web site as well.Wishing you peace and healing,Marty T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moparlicious Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 Patti,Thank you for the invite, who knows I may show up.I feel in my heart all the love and support everyone on this site and more have to offer.EVERYTHING!!!!! I have people going through the same things, I have people to talk to, who don't stare,etc. when I have my outburst of tears at any given moment.I thank all of you so much. You all saved my life. I honestly did not want to go on in this world without my beloved husband, I seriously considered ending it, we have children and they are older teens, so I figured they would be fine without me,but then I kept thinking,Is that what Dan really would have wanted me to do? No way and we had discussions about all this. So I again thank you, and If I do come how will I spot you??Love, KimMarty, Oh thank you so much.I am thrilled to meet you. Thank you for your help and welcoming me to this wonderful, outstanding group of people. Amen to the Lord. I can't do this without all of you. Today was a really hard bad day, today is 3 weeks since my beloved husband passed.Making it through today is soooo hard.Thank you. God bless. Love, Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 Kim, I'm so glad you will have places close to you to give you some comfort and I'm glad you found us. I found "us" by accident and I feel so fortunate to talk to people who really understand. You know, two years ago I was having what I felt tremendous problems with my husband's chidren not wanting to see me at all and, after a while, I remembered things he said about not to worry about things you can't do anything about (especially his children)....and then remembering his great big hug! I find myself only thinking about all the good things about our life together and when a "bad" thought enters my mind I do what I've told my children to do over the years and that is "replace your bad thoughts with one you feel good about and do it right then." They still remember that. You will go on, doing the things you really have to do to deal with things, but I feel you have strength to come out on top. Good For You! Take care....Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 Karen,Thank you for sharing that. My current husband's children don't want anything to do with me, I haven't even gotten to meet any of his family except his mom once and I don't think he's even told her we've gotten married (and it's been 8 months)and sometimes I've really had a hard time with the lack of blending but you are right, we need to replace our bad thoughts with good ones and not worry about things we cannot change (the Serenity Prayer). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smhenglish Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 I know it's sort of early, but I wanted to tell you about our widow/widower lunch get together that we have here in Phoenix each 3rd Sat. of the month. It's coming up THIS coming Saturday and as I said, I know it's early in your grief, BUT we would LOVE to have you come and join us.... We meet at Applebee's at Central & Camelback at 1pm.Patti - thank you for sharing this. I have been unable to find any support groups that fit within my schedule. At least this is something that will work for me. And it will get me back to one of my favorite restaurants. I haven't been able to go back there since that is the restaurant we had gone to the night before he was admitted to the hospital, four days before his death. I will see what I can do to go, if that's okay. It's better than sitting around and crying, or playing mindless games on the computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missingcharlie Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 Sarah & Kim - I'm so glad that you will try to come and join our lunch this Saturday. As to spotting me?!?! Well, we usually wait in the front area (before the seating) until we think just about everyone that "told" Jan that they would be there is there. If you can, get there about 5 or 10 mins. before 1pm and I will try to be there at that time. Also, Jan (as I mentioned above) is kind of the "ring leader" and she is ALWAYS there. She's a lady in her early 60's, wears glasses (the frames look too big for her face), blondish hair and a little heavy-set. If you see someone sitting there matching that description, ask her if she is Jan. She's VERY friendly and will greet you with open arms. Me? Well, I'm about 5'1", with blondish-red hair, a little past my shoulders.I will let Jan know that you might be coming so she will be on the alert for possibly two new people. Once again, we would LOVE to have you BOTH!!!! And anyone else.......Take care and hugs to you both! I hope to meet you on Saturday.Patti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 I think it is great that the hospice group in Az is so great. the one i used for my mom did nothing. I remenber when they sign her up for hospice, i was clueless and terrified. i was still in denial. i could of picked any group but i picked the one they suggested. i wish i hadn't. they did not work weekends and no one was there on the weekend my mom died. i didn't get any phone call to say that thought she only had so many days. i have heard these other wonderful hospice people that inform the family and are with them. not for my mom. the nurse and aide were nice but not on weekends. they promised to send a priest and i waited and noone came and she died. they called me once left a message after she died but offered no services. i got a newletter twice then the letter at 13mos to say they were done. i just wish i had picked someother group. i know i can't go back but i feel guilty. thanks for listening to me whine. Lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 11, 2007 Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 My dear Lori,Trust me, you are not whining. You are doing what we all do as we look back at what we wish we would have, could have, should have done differently when our loved one died. When my own precious mother died several years ago (in a nursing home!), my sister and I didn't know anything about hospice or palliative care. Now, several years later, here I am a hospice bereavement counselor! Can you imagine how often I think to myself, If only! If only I had known then what I know now! But Lori, this is what I do know: My sister and I did the best we could with what we knew at the time, and it was only afterward that I began to search, and read, and learn everything I could about what, if anything, we could have done differently. The way my dear mother died is probably one of the primary motivators that set me on my present career path ~ at least, that is how I choose to look at it. By companioning others in dying, death and bereavement, I feel as if I am honoring my dear mother, and I hope that I am also making up for all the ways I may have failed her when she died. If I can say to my sister and myself that we did the best we could and we must forgive ourselves for what we didn't know to do, then I know that wherever she is, my mother is saying that to me, as well. I hope that if you listen carefully enough, one day you will hear your own mother saying that to you, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 Thank You Marty. I try real hard not to "should" myself. i try to say i made the best decision i could at that time. somedays are better then others.Maybe one day i will be able to help others on there journey of dying and grieving. My mom would be proud. Lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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