Hello I Am New

[WendyJ]

I have to apologize as I have posted a couple times but never properly introduced myself. My name is Wendy and I live in New Jersey and on March 7th of this year I lost my husband, my soulmate my dearest friend in the whole world Steve. His problem started many years ago with a so called simple vein stripping which caused him to get Phlebitis which in turn destroyed the valves in the main vein in his leg which is needed to pump the blood from your heart to your feet. Over the years he has had a few surgeries, a stint was put in, had to always wear a surgical stocking to improve the circulation in his leg, wear a surgical shoe, had to have a toe removed and delt with many very painful Ulcers. He had to be on blood thinners for many years but was taken off of them about 10 years ago. To make a long story alittle shorter while dealing with all this he has also been seeing a doctor for what they said was the beginning of arthritis in his joints and his one knee in particular was really bothering him so they put him on some potent pain relievers. He was also many years ago put on permanant disability as he had a hard time being on his feet without elevating his leg. Over the years he was dealing with his disability and managing it while still seeing his doctor. Well on the morning of March 7th he got up for me like he usually would to start my car for me as it was extremely cold and snowing and ice as I have asthma. He took an exceptionally long time in the bathroom and when he came out said he was dizzy and proceded to have some sort of attack and at one point I do believe he was gone, well they got him to the hospital and he came around fine and was joking and laughing and they said they would keep him overnight for observation. A few hours later they told him he could get up to go to the bathroom and had the same thing happen and they made me leave the room. At certain times I could see him looking to see where I was, swinging his arms in a panic and moaning very loudly! Next thing I knew they were yelling code blue and after an hour of trying to get him to come around they told me he was gone. I had an autopsy done, it was a blood clot that went to his heart. He was only 52 and I am 49 and we had been together since I was 15 and he was 18. We have 2 beautiful daughters, one he walked down the isle this past October and one who will now never have that luxury. I miss my husband so so much and I cry everyday and at times I don't know how I will go on. My life must now change drastically and I find I am no longer living just surviving each and every day. Will I ever wake up from this horrible nightmare?

Wendy

[karenb]

Hi Wendy....I'm Karen

You are living and you are surviving every day and that's what happens when we loose someone we've love so much. Your life will change and you will live a "new" life but you will find, as time goes by, it will become easier for you to get used to this life. This love you two have had will go on....God doesn't give us something so special and take it away forever. That makes sense, doesn't it? My husband wasn't well for a long time, had those leg troubles, heart and diabetis and operations, etc., but when he died it was suddenly, driving on the freeway, and gone immediately. I was so sorry I couldn't say, "Good-bye, dear, I love you." But now I realize that God saved me from that and I just remember him leaving for golf, leaning back through the door and saying, "I love you, dear. See you later." That's the memory I want to keep, not what could have been. God does work in strange ways when he's showing us the way. Wendy, as you go through this time I hope you remember to go with your heart and your good intuition. Take care. Let us know how you do.

Your friend.....Karen

[WendyJ]

Thank You Karen for your kind words and I hope you are right about that God wouldn't give us something special and take it away forever. You see Steve was probably the most wonderful person you ever wanted to meet, and I truly mean that. He was always there for myself and my family and friends and even if you were a complete stranger. It didn't matter how much he was in pain or what he had planned if someone needed his help he was there for them. Once my hubby was retired on disability and since I still worked full time he insisted on doing the shopping and cooking the meals and would most days have dinner either ready or cooking when I got home. I would always call while I was on my way home and he would have coffee ready (oh dear here comes the waterworks) and we would sit down in the kitchen and open the mail together and talk about our day. He was a real jokester and always had me laughing and we did everything together, we truly were a match made in heaven. I just can't understand how such a wonderful man could be taken like this. I want him to know how much I love him and miss him so much and there will never ever be anyone who could come close to being the wonderful person he is. I am so torn apart as all our hopes and dreams and all we have worked for are now gone. I am too tired now to even begin to think of what I want in my future as I know he won't be in it and I must go it alone. I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family but it is not the same as having my wonderful Steve.

Wendy

[karenb]

Believe me, the waterworks come all the time and never when you might expect them. He knows you love him...he's probably sitting on your shoulder....your little guardian angel. The love you have in your heart will always be there. Have a peaceful night.

Karen

[WendyJ]

Thank you so much Karen, it is nice to find a friend here. I miss him so very much and feel so lost without him after 34 years. I do not remember life without him ! I don't know how to do things without him nor do I have a desire to do anything without him. Well I am off to bed as tomorrow is another work day, again thank you Karen for your kind words and your friendship.

Good Nite,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Dear Wendy I to lost my beloved husband Bruce on Jan20th. He was not sick and just died suddenly. One minute he was there talking and laughing and the next he was gone and I like you still have a hard time believing it. Bruce was only 53 and I 48. We have been together for 32 years and on Sept 18th we would have been celerbrating our 31st anniversary. Life is so unfair. Somedays it take all that I have to keep going but like you I do. So take care and please come back and let us know how you are doing. Gail

[lorikelly]

Dear Wendy

I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a wonderful place to come and be able to just talk. Everyone here has helped me greatly. i lost my mom in july 06 and with out all of these people i would of been lost.

i live in NJ also, i live in Howell. Not sure where you are. Keep coming back. Lori

[missingcharlie]

Wendy & Gail R - I too am so very sorry to hear of your losses!! Your husband were so very young, as mine was....Charlie was 46. It will be 3 years for me in November and I can tell you that I STILL miss him SO MUCH!! Life has become different - hugely different! But as Karen has said, we have to go on and we do. I guess you find other reasons to continue on in life - like my daughter and 3 grandkids! They are pretty much my life, now.

As sorry as I am that you HAD to find us, I'm very glad that you did. We are very understanding and hugely compassionate about what has happened to you. We are always here, so please keep coming here. Don't worry about the "water works", it happens to all of us - even after almost 3 years.....

My heart goes out to both of you! Take care of yourselves and keep coming here.

Hugs to you!!

Patti

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

As you can see, there are a lot of kind and wonderful people here who understand what you are going through. Right now it is difficult to see into the future and being able to live instead of just surving. For now all you can do is take it one day at a time and try not to envision the future. As you keep going there will be a day where you realize that instaed of darkness all around you, you will start realizing that you are starting to live again and that you are coming out of that fog. Yes right now it is a nightmare that you think you will wake up from and he will be right there, or that you will come home one day and dinner will be waiting on the table. You may even have dreams to that effect. I know I did and in those dreams I came home and she was there and I asked her where the H*** she had been and did she realize what she put me through. It has been 17 months now for me, things have gotten a lot better and they will for you as well. Just ask God for help, he does know what he is doing and one day when we get into Heaven we will see our loved ones once again.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you. My husband was only 51 when he died and I didn't get to say goodbye either...he had a heart attack and went to the hospital and when I got there, he had another heart attack and they made me leave and he died.

Your husband knew and knows that you love him, that will never change. Listening to your memories, he sounds alot like my husband was, always helping, caring, the best friend anyone could have, and fun too.

This is very hard to get used to, but eventually it begins to sink in and you learn, little by little, how to live your new life. There will be times the faucets will flow, let them. And please do come on this site any time and pour your heart out, it helps not to bottle it up and we've all been there and understand, we're here for you.

Derek,

I remember months after George died I dreamed he came home and I was angry with him and got mad at him and also wanted to know where the h--- he'd been. When I woke up I thought it was odd that that had been my response, but I guess that's part of the anger stage, feeling mad that we're left, as irrational as it seems. I've learned that feelings don't have to be rational, they just are and we're left to deal with them.

[WendyJ]

Hello Lori and thank you for your kind words. I am in in Jefferson Twsp on the border of Sussex and Morris County.

Wendy

I want to thank all of you for your kinds words and all of your support. You have made me feel very welcome here.

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Hi Wendy,

Sorry for your loss, I lost my wife to cervical cancer on March 2nd, she was fine for months and within a week she went downhill so suddenly, She was able to return to her homeland just to pass a 1.5 days later without me at her side, our crosses were heavy to bear but being here will lighten the load a bit, you are at the most accepting and wonderful place here, welcome!

Blessings,

William

[WendyJ]

William I am so sorry for your loss too. You and I were grieving only 5 days apart in the beginning. Strange how even bad things bring people together isn't it? Please tell me more about Karen and how you guys met etc. I am very interested.

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Hi Wendy,

I was thinking the same too, how the bad brings bring us to the same forum and place is comforting. I met her on the internet in 1998, I was on a dating site back when it was in its infancy, and didn't have to pay and it was safer , She responded to my ad, and we got to talking by email 3-4 times a day everyday from Guatemala city via internet cafe, I think it went on for 8 months, and she decided to come to the US since she had a fulbright scholarship and a past residence in Iowa, the process was simple enough that we planned to meet at the airport a month later, and we got along ideally in person also, but she went back for 2 weeks to sell her possessions and say goodbye to her family and friends, upon her arrival I asked her for marriage, we had a simple union at a wedding chapel and been married since then. It was 8 Years Jan 29th and had only 2 months left of it to end suddenly. The hardest thing I think is the time and effort in the beginning and have it all taken away within months, and not being able to be there at her final hour. I still struggle with it. and the inability to visit her grave. I hope this finds you well tonite,

Your friend,

William

[smhenglish]

I also met Eric on the internet. It was when AOL was still relatively new, and we were both part of the Members Helping Members program. We would basically do simple tech support for members. That was 11 years ago.

Eric and I talked for about 2 hours through Instant Message. After 2 hours we began to realize we lived around the corner from each other. So at 2:00 in the morning, we walked to our common corner and talked on the corner for 3 more hours. We watched the sun come up. Of course, this was in the safest city over pop.200,000 in the US, and we were both 30 at the time. A week later, I got strep throat, so he invited me over for some homemade chicken soup (he still lived with his parents). Upon meeting me, his mother decided this would be the woman her son would marry, which we did 11 months later. Our ten year anniversary is this December. We were planning on a 2nd honeymoon.

[Stallyn]

Hi Sarah,

Interesting, how things come together without ever really seeing the person in the beginning, I guess love is blind, the chicken soup was the promise of love eternally, such a cool guy..Nice to meet you also,

William

[WendyJ]

William that was such a romantic story ! Are you finding like me that some days you are better and you think you are finally handling things alittle better and then the next you are an absolute mess?

Your Friend,

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Thank you Wendy, Yes I have exactly the same thing, 2 days ok then I think I took 5 steps backwards, have you experienced the "haze" effect since that time? like being out of body and forgetting what day it is and just a funk all the time, I get happy at times but nothing like it used to be, not something we really can't change I suppose?

your friend,

William

[dpodesta]

The haze and the back and forth feelings are perfectly normal. One day you will wake up and realize that the haze or fog is gone. You will look back and realize that is has been awhile since you really felt bad.

[WendyJ]

Oh yes William I do experience the haze you are talking about. Sometimes I can't remember what day of the week or even what month it is because my mind is wandering. Sometimes the simplist things seems difficult and before they were so easy. My biggest problem right now is looking at Steve's pictures. I feel semi-okay and then I look at one of his pictures and my stomach drops and my eyes immediately well up with tears and I am a mess. I don't want to put his and our pictures away but looking at them is so painful. What I wouldn't give for one of his big bear hugs right now and one of his neck rubs that makes my headaches go away. William are you as scared as I am about the Holidays coming up? I don't know how I am going to do it! Just thinking about them without him is making me cry !

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Wendy,

I still find myself looking at the pictures at times, I worry forgetting her, I am terrified of the holidays, I still live in the apartment where we lived for 4 years and thats been difficult too. But I think so much can be done at this junction unfortunately, I miss the love and companionship too, but we will be good to ourselves

Blessings,

William

[suzanne]

William & Wendy

I too am so afraid of the holidays. How do you get through them when everyone wants to be merry? I sometimes wish I could just crawl into a hole until they are over. The thoughts of decorations and Christmas music are unbearable. There is no way I can have a Christmas tree. I still live in the house we had for 21 years. Sometimes it feels like home, sometimes like a house with walls. It's as though all of the love has been sucked out of it. The one thing I do plan to do is adopt an angel in memory of Will and my father. Where I live, they have an angel tree program where you pick an angel off of a Christmas tree at the local malls. It is for the needy who would not have Christmas otherwise. On the back of the angel is the name, age and what they need. Some are children, some elderly. I am just going to ask God to find the angel I need to help this year. Will and I had done this in the past because we had all we needed, each other and wanted to give back to someone less fortunate. Maybe if in some small way I could make a difference in someone elses Christmas and let them know someone does care it would make mine worthwhile. I know I have been so bleesed to have so much love from my wonderful husband. That thought doesn't make it hurt any less or any easier to cope with but I thlnk Will and my Dad would like for me to do this. I also have a friend who pet sits and I plan to go with her to take care of the animals whose "Mom or Dad" have gone out of town for the holidays. They need love too and feel abandoned.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

William and Suzanne,

I think from this point to March is going to be the toughest ! Steve and I have always loved the fall and flea markets and rides on the Motorcyle and Halloween and then there is Thanksgiving at my sisters and Christmas at my house which I can not bear to do this year. I still have my daughter at home so I at least have to put up a tree and maybe candles in the windows. Then there is New Years and a couple weeks after that is Steve's Birthday and then 2 weeks after that is Valentines day. OMG how are we going to get through it you guys, I can't handle this ! It is too much all in a row like that! Suzanne like you, Steve and I have been in this house since 1985 and it is just filled with memories and I have a barn just filled with tools and equipment and hunting stuff and guns and remote control airplanes that I have no idea what half the stuff is or its worth ! I haven't cleaned out his dresser and closet yet never mind that stuff. I just can't bear to do it yet, how about you guys have you done that yet?

Wendy

[LarrysGirl]

The holidays are very hard, no getting around it. My birthday is shortly, then Halloween (we decorated and sat together to give out the candy), the anniversary of Larry's death, the next day his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. This season is ushering in pain for me. I've been dreading it for months. We always went and bought a fresh tree. I haven't had one in two years. I actually don't really know what I've been doing this last year, my second, without him. Today is 22 months. Unbelievable that I haven't heard in voice in that long. I don't know what to tell those of you that are approaching your first holiday season without the person you love. Yes, you will survive, but it is just not the same. Deborah

[suzanne]

Wendy

I know how you feel. I too have a workshop filled with tools and a riding lawn mower I do not even know how to use. I've been paying someone to take care of the yard because I don't have the energy to deal with plus I don't know how to use the stuff. That will be over soon with fall here. The room where my computer is was Will's office and is filled with guns, knives and civil war things that I have no idea what to do with or even what they are other than it was his things. His clothes are still in the closet and everytime I think I might can do something it's no can't get rid of that. How do you let go of these things and to just strangers? I'm not ready. Sometimes I am so bad I even put his house shoes on and walk around in them just because his feet where in them.

Suzanne