Guilt

[northern duke]

This forum has helped me in more ways than I think that I can convey, but there is still something that just won’t leave me.

I still feel guilty about my mother.

I now I didn’t mean to put her in a coma but I also know that I should have been much more vigilant.

In the past Ma always had problems with her diabetes. She couldn’t even wear shoes at all. She had to wear sandals all of the time.

Even now I can hear her voice in the back of my head saying, "You should be more careful, you should think about what you’re doing." Something she said quite often to me actually.

And when I look at my Grandfather and I know he's thinking about it, I see in his face what I've seen off and on throughout my entire life. I can see his disappointment in me. My sister tries to play it off as paranoia but she doesn’t understand.

My mother used to say that the worst thing in the world is a man left alone with his thoughts. I now know that to be horribly true. I carry around my guilt all of the time and think about it all of the time, but it's the worst when I'm alone. I can almost feel her there, looking at me with that look I see on my Grandfather's face, saying "You should have paid attention." She would have finished her chemo treatments and have been cured if it weren’t for me (living with that fact is the worst thing of all).

I haven’t gone to sleep in a week and medicine isn’t helping, I'm also experiencing a lack of hunger and thirst, also I've had the worst social anxiety I've ever experienced in the past months. I can’t drive or even go out for walks anymore. I’m generally alone most of the time and while reading dose help often, it's beginning to lose its effect.

Please, is there anything wrong that I'm overlooking? Is there something that I can do? I don’t know.

Thank you all.

The Duke.

[karenb]

Duke.....All this is new for you, along with whatever guilt you're feeling....six months is not a long time to begin to get better. There's one thing you might think about and that is replacing those bad thoughts with ones that are good. I've always told my children to immediately replace bad thoughts with good ones right then. After a while it becomes a habit but you have to consciously do it. You might give it a try.

You know, sometimes you only learn to swim by getting thrown into the deep end. You can't stop or give up in the middle, that would be fatal. You do have what's needed within you and it will keep you aloat as long as you try to relax, trust, and keep on strokin'.

You mention medications so you must have seen a doctor. Maybe you need to see him again and let him (or her) know that the meds aren't working for you.

Just remember we are here to listen to you. Keep strokin', Duke.

Your friend....Karen

[shell]

Duke,

My mom had Alzheimers and it seemed to just come out of nowhere after my dad died. At first, we didn't realize what was wrong and she got very verbally abusive to me. It crushed me, because my mom and I had always been so close. I used to get mad and hurt and yell back at her, sometimes saying some hurtful things. It was the most painful period of my life. Well, after finally realizing, and confirming, that she had Alzheimers and finding out that this kind of behavior is normal and that they don't mean what they're saying, I felt so miserably guilty for yelling back at her. I still feel guilty, even though I have come to terms with the fact that I'm only human, I was doing the best I could during a very difficult time and I'm not perfect. I didn't handle it well in the beginning, but I have to go easy on myself and let myself off the guilt hook.

Having said all this, I know it's different from feeling like you were responsible for someones death. That is worse. I'm trying to let you know that I think we all have some form of guilt about the death of our loved ones. Things we did, didn't do, said, didn't say, mistakes we made, etc...

It sounds like you have had some past criticism that is making this worse for you now. Like you are beating yourself up doubly. I'm so sorry that you feel so guilty. All I can tell you is that you have no reason to feel guilty and you need to truly believe that. You know, for me, life seems to happen in some order that we don't seem to have much control over. My mom always said "things happen for a reason". I truly believe that and it's like no matter how we try to control the situation or think we could control it, we can't. It's fate. Your mom may not have lived even without the milkshakes, it may have happened anyway. I hope you don't think I'm making light of this at all, but I think she got to enjoy something she obviously loved (the milkshakes) and that is something! My dad was dying of cancer, but also had pneumonia, so he was on antibiotics. When he got out of the hospital and came home he wanted a beer, but he wasn't suppose to have alcohol with the meds, so we had to tell him no. By the time he was off the antibiotics, he couldn't eat or drink anymore. I have kicked myself I don't know how many times for not just letting him have the beer. It wouldn't have mattered and he would have at least been able to have enjoyed something in the last few days before he died. So, your mom was lucky to get the milkshakes, maybe that will give you a different way of looking at it.

Hang in there and be nice to yourself. It sounds like your becoming agoraphobic, which I'm VERY familiar with, having had it. You might try talking to your doc and maybe some different meds. Good luck and keep posting. And, please, stop blaming yourself.

A huge hug,

Shell