northern duke Posted September 15, 2007 Report Share Posted September 15, 2007 This forum has helped me in more ways than I think that I can convey, but there is still something that just won’t leave me.I still feel guilty about my mother. I now I didn’t mean to put her in a coma but I also know that I should have been much more vigilant. In the past Ma always had problems with her diabetes. She couldn’t even wear shoes at all. She had to wear sandals all of the time. Even now I can hear her voice in the back of my head saying, "You should be more careful, you should think about what you’re doing." Something she said quite often to me actually. And when I look at my Grandfather and I know he's thinking about it, I see in his face what I've seen off and on throughout my entire life. I can see his disappointment in me. My sister tries to play it off as paranoia but she doesn’t understand. My mother used to say that the worst thing in the world is a man left alone with his thoughts. I now know that to be horribly true. I carry around my guilt all of the time and think about it all of the time, but it's the worst when I'm alone. I can almost feel her there, looking at me with that look I see on my Grandfather's face, saying "You should have paid attention." She would have finished her chemo treatments and have been cured if it weren’t for me (living with that fact is the worst thing of all).I haven’t gone to sleep in a week and medicine isn’t helping, I'm also experiencing a lack of hunger and thirst, also I've had the worst social anxiety I've ever experienced in the past months. I can’t drive or even go out for walks anymore. I’m generally alone most of the time and while reading dose help often, it's beginning to lose its effect. Please, is there anything wrong that I'm overlooking? Is there something that I can do? I don’t know. Thank you all.The Duke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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