Moving Forward, Learning To Love Again

[Mrcelloboy]

It's been a bit over 10 months since my fiancee and partner of 10 years, Kathy, was killed by an inattentive recycling truck driver.

Kathy had spoken to me, months before the accident during an intimate moment, about her understanding that I hate being alone. She wanted to assure me that if anything ever happened to her that I needed to find another mate and she supported this. At the time my reaction was (affectionately); "shut up honey, you're my partner".

I've had several struggles with trying to re-connect too quickly, and now I've met someone very special (Mel) who appears ready to love me. She's a nurse like Kathy was also, so understands grief and supports me in continuing to express my feelings of sadness. She has no problem hearing references to Kathy. I feel able to open up to feelings that I haven't been able to for fear of falling totally apart. I feel safer having someone who cares being in my life.

It's hard for me to clarify for myself whether it's really love I'm starting to feel again, or if I'm just grateful for her closeness and caring. We have much in common and I see potential for a future. Mel is very clear about not putting any pressure or expectations on me; It's a real gift.

I realize that it might appear pretty fast to some, but I'm clear that it makes sense for me. Having Mel in my life now is helping me see joy again and helping bring back the optimistic side of me that's had such a hard time surviving these past months.

I wanted to share this with others that might be struggling with feelings regarding finding another partner in their life.

[dpodesta]

I understand completly. It has been 17 months for me and I just ended a relationship. Karen was the same way, she knew that if anything ever happened to her that I would find someone again. What you have right now sounds just like the relationship that I had. I could open up to her and talk about Karen all I wanted. I started seeing somethings that I didn't like and relized that what I was attracted to was the not being alone, the family life, I have one child she has two, I wasn't attracted to her. I realized that we were moving way too fast. It was difficult breaking up with her and I had some feelings of loss even though I was the one breaking up with her. I tell you this to say, be sure to take it real slow. I would also recommend the book Mars and Venus Starting Over . I saw so many htings in that book that was talking directly to me and I have only read 1/3 of it. I hope this and possibily the book will help you not to make the mistakes that I have made. Each person is ready for a relationship in their own time frame, there is no right or wrong time. Please keep us informed on how your relationship goes, I would be interested in knowing and possibilly contacting you later if or when I get into another relationship.

Love always

Derek

[Mrcelloboy]

Thank you Derek. I've followed some of your posts as well so I appreciate your familiarity with the situation. I'd be happy to give you a progress report sometime down the road.

going slow is difficult for me, and I appreciate the suggestion. In some ways I feel I am going a little slower this time.

With Kathy, things progressed fairly quickly and got better and better throughout our 10 years together, so I've experienced that speed doesn't always equal failure. And I've got to be myself.

My last connection was a long-distance one where my partner demanded that things go slow. we were in touch by phone for several months before we agreed we both needed a connection with someone more easily accessible. That period gave me some time for reflection.

I certainly look forward to seeing where things are in a month or more.

[dpodesta]

It is difficult for me to go slow as well, I thought I was in love with this past one, but I had an uneasy feeling about 2 months into the relationship and after looking at that I realized that there were several things that I would not be able to live with. I still care for this person and it has been difficult to detatch my emotions. Try and get the book I mentioned, I believe it will be a big help. I have learned that I can afford to be picky. After being with her for awhile I have come to realize that I am ok if I am single. Will I always remain single? I doubt it but I am okay if I do. I have heard in group that you should wait 2 years before you get into a committed relationship. Obviously since I just got out of one I didn't wait for the 2 years. I am glad to have had the experience to learn from. I look forward to talking to you more.

Derek

[Stallyn]

Hi Guys,

Well I think this is a interesting topic, I am in a evolving situation with a gal from overseas, I jumped on the dating sites within a month of my loss due to the pain I felt, and met alot of bad apples (my fault anyways) I been corresponding for a long time now and last month I would've dropped it but now I feel comfortable to a degree, though I wish my Myrna would've discussed with me her thoughts but things went down too quickly, since now its always a open wound for me. How did you feel with another woman? Was guilt a factor or feeling odd? Sorry I am a newbie at this stage but I don't want to be alone forever, but will wait however long it shall be.

William

[walter/Erica]

Hi guys, may I as a female join this discussion...please tell me what it was/is like in your new relationships. How does the new compare to the old...

same butterflies in tummy, excitemnet as before... are there real differences...are they subtle or in your face. The same thrill when you hold hands or kiss?

God Bless and take care of yourselves

Erica

[kayc]

I can tell you in my situation it was nothing the same. Totally different person, totally different everything. I do know that I love John yet he is vastly different from anyone I have ever been with. I also know that it was probably too soon for me to have been committing to a new relationship and I should have given it more time. I would caution people to give it time to at least reach the point, like Derek has mentioned, where you are comfortable living alone and with your life before involving someone else in it. Make friends, do things, enjoy life as it is before making a major change. Make sure it's what you would do even if you weren't grieving. Choose the person for them, not for your situation (loneliness, pain, fear, etc.).

And try very, very hard not to compare. They will not and cannot be like the person/relationship you lost. Make a new one of its own if/when the time is right.

And yes, guilt may enter in at first, it is odd to be with someone when you thought you were married forever...but you have to realize they aren't there any more and it's not "cheating" to be with someone. It helps if you've had the chance to discuss this with your mate before they died. George and I had talked about it, but in our case it was with regards to HIM finding someone else if I died, because it never once crossed my mind that I would ever do that. I hope this isn't offensive to anyone, it's not meant to be, just remember that everyone's situation is different and so are the ways in which we respond and cope and try to not judge someone who is different from you.

[dpodesta]

William,

What you have described is exactly what the book talks about, usually men jump into relationships too fast, Women tend to take longer and it is harder for them to trust again. To answer your question yes it did feel odd, very odd. I think there was a hint of guilt, but it was just more of confussion, I asked myself a lot of questions. It is hard with an 8 year old you have to make sure not only for yourself but for the child as well. Karen and I did talk off and on about what might happen if she were to die, I always said I would be single the rest of my life, there couldn't be someone else out there for me. She told me thatI would find someone else again and she was okay with that. It still didn't make it any easier. All I can tell you is to take it slow, we rushed into the intimatacy part of the relationship way too fast. The first time you are with another women will bring up all kinds of emotions.

Erica,

We welcome any viewpoint we can get and I think it helps to have a womens point of view. For me the feelings were definately different. To me none of it was the same, Yes there were still the jitters, the excitment, the felling of snuggling on the couch watching tv was unreal, finally having someone to hold again. Being in an atmosphere of a whole family again all of it is undescribeable. What I found for myself is once the initial excitment was done, I started looking more deeply into the relationship and I did compare with my marriage. What I had to look at for myself is I had to look at the person and not the situation. Having someone again, being in a family again, coming home to someone at the house, all of that was very appealing, but I can''t base a relationship on just that believe me I wanted to. I had to forse myself to look at her as well and ask myself if I could stand living with this person. What I found out was I couldn't. I had been overlooking some things. The in love feeling for her just wasn't in my heart, I wasn't ready to open up my heart and replace the love I feel for Karen with her.

One day I truly believe I will find that person and will be able to open up my heart and love someone again. What I discovered from this relationship is that I am just not ready. I need more time to fullt grieve and not try to replace bad feelings with a relationship. That is what I was trying to do and it may work for a short time but eventually it will catch up to you. I finally realized that 2 months into my relationship and it wouldn't have been fair to her for me to try and continue the relationship, breaking up wasn't easy and it brought up some feelings of loss once again. I hope this helps someone.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Derek, what you are saying si so true, new realtionships too early on in our grief journeys is like trying to get rid of emotional pain with alcohol or other substances.....I have often said to the Lord, that with His help I want to do my grief work properly and hard now, so that when its over, it will REALLy be over, so I cant see myself with anybpody else ever tough, try as I amy. i pray for strength to continue this journey and not to look for quick fixes/ premature ways out.I then know that when I am feeling better and whole and healed, it will be the real thing.

Stay strong . God will help , pull you thru nad blees you

love, Erica

[Mrcelloboy]

Dear William and Erica,

I'm happy to answer your questions. It's all theraputic for me and our questions are quite similar.

I'm both sentimental and a bit romantic, and maybe a bit addicted to love or relationships. I've always enjoyed becoming close to a partner, and this hasn't changed since Kathy's death. The most unhappy feelings I run into are from self-criticism. Sometimes I beat myself up for considering it a weakness in myself that allows me to want to get into new relationships so quickly. I don't feel guilty. I know love and affection are important in my life, and I'm acting with integrity and honesty with my partner.

The excitement of holding hands, kisses, just communicating about feelings is sweet and wonderful. For now it's still mixed with sadness at times. There's a part of me that still wishes Kathy would miraculously return to where she belonged, and I feel sadness. My current sweetheart is incredibly understanding and compassionate and has no issue with me talking about Kathy, crying, or feeling whatever I feel. I'm very blessed by her openness. It has been hard for me to define what I feel for her as "Love", and she's understanding of this. Her understanding makes it easier for me to consider that what is growing between us really is meaningful and potentially long-term.

[smhenglish]

I am still pretty new to this world, as I lost Eric only a month ago. I have found that I can understand why people seek out relationships so early after their spouses passes. The need to have someone hold you and comfort you is so strong. My children, my mom, my friends will all hug me, but it's very different than someone who will hold me and kiss me and make the pain go away.

Eric died 4 days after I took him to the hospital. We knew he wouldn't come home within the first day. He wrote me a note (he was intubated) that he wanted me to be with Ron (a man I work with) because he believed that Ron was similar to him, and Ron and I are close friends. However, Ron and I don't have any romantic inclinations. But Eric was trying to tell me that he wants me to be happy. I understand that. I just need to be patient.

[kayc]

Sarah,

What a kind and caring man you had!

[missingcharlie]

Sarah - My husband had 25 days in the hospital before he passed away and he was very lucid...we used to watch TV and play cribbage every night while I visited him. He, too, wrote me a letter and gave me the "ok" to find someone else again someday. He told me that I deserved to be happy the rest of my life, but he didn't want me to get into a relationship purely out of loneliness. It will be 3 years in November since my beloved husband passed away and I think about the idea, but don't know if I could actually bring myself to HAVE a relationship with someone else. Even tho it's been almost 3 years, I know that I'm not ready....and not sure if I ever will be. I just think it would be so strange...... I guess if it happens someday, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now I'm not ready. As Derek said, if I spend the rest of my life by myself I'm OK with that.

We missed you at lunch last Saturday. Hopefully you can come one of these months....

Hugs to all!!!

Patti

[Stallyn]

After reading these posts I find that it is better for time to do the work rather than myself and don't seek anything out no matter how lonely it is, my luck hasn't been good on any dating sites anyways as I post platonic friends first, now I see what you guys say about the emotions pouring out and well, if it comes to me meeting someone, I won't refuse it but I won't seek it either since adjustments to this radically different life threw too many curve balls at me.

Blessings,

William

[dpodesta]

William,

I have come to the smae conclussion as you have. I met my last relationship on a dating web site. These sites aren't bad, I just am not ready like I thought I was and I don't want to take the chance of hurting anyone else. I have decided to go about life and if I run into someone then great if not then I am fine with that as well. I mean after all, what did we do before these dating sites were around?

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Derek,

I met my late wife on yahoo back in 1998, you recall if it was easier back in the day to meet people? It seems impossible now, and some dating sites are questionable, met quite a few scammers. now I walk with caution since its hard for me to trust anybody anymore.

William

[dpodesta]

Karen and I were married in 1995 and I didn't get internet until 1997 so I didn't know anything about the dating sites. One site that I found was good is E-harmoney, granted you can still run across someone who is not telling the truth.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Derek,

It was so much simpler then, you had 11 years? I never had luck meeting people since I am shy in person, when I did have the courage it was mayhem, the time I spent writing my wife, about 8 months I think, several times a day was exhilarating and when we planned to meet we hit it right off the first day, now it seems to be the happiest time of my life compared to the last six months without her compared to my bachelor days. Now it is an eternity without her, like a hazy memory. I am not happy with that result.

William

[dpodesta]

Yes, we were married for 11 years and knew each other for 12. She was a blind datee that a friend of mine set up. The first night we talked on the phone, we talked until 2:00 in the morning and both of us had to be at work by 8:00. We continued to talkk until the wee hours of the morning each time we talked. At 2 months I knew she was the one for me. I am the same as you William, I am shy when it comes to asking a woman out, once I get to know someone then I will start opening up. I definately agree, it was the happiest time in my life, and I am am not happy of the result. But I do know that if I had it to do all over again I would do it in a heartbeat even if I knew the end result.

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Derek,

I totally agree with you. With Jimmy if I had known the outcome I still would have been with him. Garth Brookes has a song that says just that. I do not know how to attach songs like some of you do but the name of the song is "The Dance."

Corinne

[MartyT]

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

©1989 Written by Tony Arata, Sung by Garth Brooks

[Corinne]

Thank you Marty!

Corinne

[dpodesta]

I knew someone would be able to find it. I never really listened to the words before. It really says it all.

Love always

Derek

[Guest moparlicious]

You all are so amazing on here. I love you all. My beloved Dan has been gone only a month. Have lots of guy friends, thats it, the thought to me is sickening and scarey. I miss him so much.I am glad for all who found love again, good for you. I was with Dan for 24 years. I am not judging or putting anyone down, Its just not for me. Have a blessed day. Kim

[dpodesta]

Kim,

It isn't going to be for everyone, and that is okay. Just remember you are only in the first month, it wasn't until almost a year that I started thinking that I could be with someone else again.

Love always

Derek