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Hello everyone. I just lost my boyfriend to pancreatic cancer 3 weeks ago. we lived together for 8 years and he was a major part of my life. He was my 1st kiss, 1st date, etc.. so his death has turned my whole world upside down. I just wish I could show the whole world how great a man we all lost. He had a larger than life personality which perfectly complemented my shy, quiet nature. How could someone so funloving and strong be taken out of this world- and away from me. I don't cry as much as I would have expected, I think that I may still be in shock. He was diagnosed only 1 month before he died. I cried more when he was in the hospital, it was a big adjustment for me to accept that he was sick. Why him? I just need help with the intense lonliness that I feel. I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever. I think that reading all the posts on this site will help me to see that I'm not alone so I'll come here regularly. I chose the name goldsunshine 897 because I thought it would uplift me.

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You will cry honey. Maybe not for some months. For the first six months I had so much to sort out, I had to be strong for every one else. Then recently life gave me space and time alone to actually let all those tears free. It is such a cleansing relief.

I bet right now you feel too stunned, unreal, disbeleiving, can't concentrate on a thing.

It's a terrible thing that we all here have to bare.

I can do nothing but send you love.

I DO SEND YOU LOVE

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I'm so very sorry for the circumstances that bring any one of our visitors to this place, but it warms my heart to know that the two of you have found each other here. The most authentic comfort you can find will come from those who visit here, because we're all traveling the same difficult journey. If we must be on this path, let us make our way a little easier by joining hands and helping one another along the way.

Remember that it won't always feel this bad.

Somehow it does change.

It does get better.

At the moment, take heart from those around you

who want to care for you

and be present for you in your distress.

They don't always know how,

they don't always do it right,

but they try.

Sorrow is a matter of taking turns.

This year, it's yours.

Next year, it might be you

setting the table for someone else

who feels that they cannot cope.

-- Deidre Felton, Bereavement Magazine, November/December 2000

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 6 years later...

Dear Marty

How very true. In mid 2010, my very closest friend needed help after developing severe anxiety and depression. After losing my husband the year before, and all the despair that goes with that, I just didn't know if I had any reserves left to help her, but I was surprised at how naturally it came to step up when needed. I have stayed close to her, as she did to me, and I think in many ways it has helped me too.

It is a matter of taking turns - and along the way and by helping her, I've gotten to see all that is still good in life. I needed that perspective badly.

Goldensunshine 897, it's always going to be a struggle through the deep heartache and loss you feel, but on some days down the track you'll see the possibility of improvement. The shock stuns you at first, then for me, it was endless tears but now I've learned to control when I let the grief take hold so that I can live some of the other hours in a reasonable state and shed the tears in private.

I send you my best wishes at this awful, awful time...Susie Q

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Dearest Goldsunshine897, my heart goes out to you. My Glenn was diagnosed in September and left me on 1 November, so I'm not long into this journey either. We were together for 33 years (and I'm only 56 now)and he was the absolute love of my life. I adored that man and in the past 2 months, I've found my life changing in ways that would have never occured to me. We used to eat out a lot - not anymore. We used to love going to movies - not anymore. We loved taking road trips - not anymore. I don't mean to be a downer, dear Goldsunshine897, but you will discover all of this and more in your trip down this road.

I, too, didn't cry much at the beginning. In fact, even after 2 months, when I do cry (and it's often now), I don't cry for long. I'm not a big fan of crying because it seems like a lot of pain for little gain, but it sneaks up on me at the most unexpected times. I think I'm still in some form of shock. God knows that I know what's happened. My emotions and most of my brain knows this has happened. But even now, when I look at Glenn's pictures, a tiny part of my brain still doesn't really believe that it's happened. It's too senseless, too random, to be easily absorbed.

Please tell us something about your boyfriend. Please tell us about your life together. Believe it or not, although you may shed tears, talking about him and about your life together will help. And we here will listen for as long as it takes.

And something that might help... many of us here either keep a journal or write letters to our loved ones. I found journalling to be too self-centred, but I write long chatty, newsy letters to my darling man. I tell him how horrible I feel. I tell him how angry I am. I tell him that he's the only one who will listen to me. If he were alive today, he would have listened until his ears fell off if I needed him to. :) So, those are a couple of coping strategies you might want to try if you need them.

Please keep coming back and talking. Hugs.

Di

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