Losing It.

[northern duke]

Dear all,

I believe that there are some people that just, quite simply cannot be alone. I also used to believe that I was an exception to this rule and as a result of this, distanced myself from pain by not allowing myself to feel any of it. However I think that the pain has finally caught up with me.

It's as my mother used to say, "Pretending you can’t smell the s*** doesn’t make it stink any less."

I can’t count the moments, or the hours that I have been watching this strange opera play out in front of me, pretending to not be touched by it. It feels as though the fabric of my reality has been re-woven all around me, leaving me all alone in a place I can't escape, and (as I try) can't hide from.

I feel caught in this awful place and I don't know what's happening or who I am anymore. It would seem that my identity has died with ma. I can't remember what it felt like to be in a family, or what if felt like to hug my mother.

I look around myself often and seek the comfort of others whom might share in my grief but see only an inapproachable grandfather, and a sister who is so involved with her own grief she can’t see past her own nose.

None of this is fair, and I've come to grips with that, but my lack of choice and company is driving me mad. There seems to be no reality but the reality of pain and indecision, loss as the way of life, and always regret.

I am sorry for not really having a point here. I guess I just needed to write something.

Hope you’re all well (enough).

Christian (The Duke)

Edited September 19, 2007 by northern duke

[karenb]

Christian.(The Duke)....I love the name Christian. I printed out your post just now because I so much want to think about what you've said and reply so totally from my heart and with maybe something you can grab on to, not just my quick desperate answer to your pain.. Hang in there, please, you're very important.

Your friend.....Karen

[karenb]

Christian (I hope it's okay for me to call you that)....I may not have waited to answer as long as I could have but before I go to bed tonight I want to try and give some consolation to your pain. Number one, here's a great big grandmother hug!!! You believed yourself to be a loner but some things in life, like this pain, demands you be with others. Such a big loss really does throw you into areas you've probably never been before. Your mother was right, you do need to smell the roses? This opera is not playing out just in front of you, it's very much inside of you. Christian, you can't hide from the loss, you will miss your mother's hugs. I believe they're one of the most important things in your life. I know your mother wants you to be alive with your own identity....it didn't die with her. When you see your grandfather and sister do you ever share in their grief or just want them to share in yours? You seem so compassionate that you must be sharing in theirs also, right? As you know none of it is fair, but you do have choice and willpower and you can make decisions. Loss will always be there and regret, we are human. But we have willpower and we can be strong. I don't know your background or circumstances, but I do know from your words that you are very intelligent and caring and have a lot of feeling within you. I want you to work on helping yourself. I want you to be well physically and emotionally. I want you to succeed. You are my friend. Just call me Grandma Karen.

[shell]

Christian,

I don't know if this will help, but I know that many of us have had the same feelings. Especially feeling as though you have lost your identity, that nothing makes sense and you don't feel you know who you are anymore. It is very scary, isn't it? But Karen is right, that your identity didn't die with your mother. Your mother is a very big part of you, and she still lives, in a way, through you. Every time you do something that is like her, she is there with you. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it really is true. I had to come to this realization too. That while part of me was my dad, part of me was my mom and part of me is just me. So every time I remind myself of my mom, I realize she is still here, only in my body, not hers. And I don't mean anything supernatural, just that we are our parents afterall. I don't even know if this makes sense, but I hope you get what I mean. It's late and my brain is getting fuzzy!!!

Is there any way that you could go to a grief group? There is usually at least one in any town. It might take away some of the feelings of loneliness you have and give you a chance to talk to others who understand. I feel your pain and wish there was more I could do for you. Please keep posting and telling us your feelings. Hang in there tight....things will get easier , I promise.

Hugs,

Shell