Stallyn Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Hi my friends,I have been wondering alot these past few weeks about my grief, the first week of september was the last time I broke down with such intensity, now I feel "flat" more than anything. I feel shame that somehow I didn't love my wife enough since my grief took a different route lately, my memories of her appears just that, a distant memory like it never really happened. Is this the next step or am I becoming numb forever?? Truly,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 William of course I have not been through this long enough to advise you but Steve has only been gone 7 months and I swear to you it seems like I have not seen him in years ! It is almost to me like it was a different lifetime. Gosh I miss him so much !Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 23, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Wendy.You have about the same time I do, I know its a lifetime that happened somewhere else's life, just by replying it DOES help me to understand that I am still human, I miss Myrna too, our mates had a way to keep us in line, what happens next? So hard to even think about the future doesnt it?William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 I don't like thinking about the future because it scares me so much. I hate this William, I hate my life now it is so empty. The love of my life is gone and I am alone and lost. All my hopes and dreams are shattered and I am so scared. When will I start to live again and not just existing? Not one thing in my life has the same meaning anymore. I still 20 times a day think I have to remember to tell Steve something or ask him something etc. It scares me to think that maybe I haven't fully accepted this yet and I am going to get worse. Maybe the reason I haven't touched anything of his but the motorcycle is because I have myself convinced he may come back?Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 23, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Wendy,my sentiments exactly, the future seems gray, not something tangeable, I wish I could've been a better husband while she was alive, forced her to go to the doctor and take better care, she always resisted me, The marriage was almost starting its next chapter and nothing is the same anymore for us, you ARE living though it seems otherwise, we made a choice to continue, do you believe our spouses wanted us to continue our lives? hard question for me, I never had the chance to talk to her about anything, she went downhill too fast, but I feel when its completely quiet with no distractions, I can still feel a part of her with me saying you have to live again. anything to see her face or hear her voice one more time would suffice. Its normal to think they may return, thats one of the stages of grief, it allows us to cope. you'll be in my prayers..William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 William, this is also a part of grief, and in no way does it mean you did not love your wife enough. Our bodies really are pretty amazing things, they only handle what they can and that in stages. There is no way we could continue with the same level of intensity that we had at the beginning, it would do us in, and so in an amazing way, ever so gradually, the intensity begins to diminish...not because we didn't love enough, but because we begin to adjust ever so slightly to this new life we now have...the beginning of acceptance. Acceptance in no way equates weith our having wanted it, but rather that it happened and we have to deal with it. You ask if our spouses would want us to continue...well I'd have to ask what kind of a spouse WOULDN'T want us to continue! When you love someone, you care about them, not in a selfish way, but in a selfless way, you want what is for their best. Wouldn't you have wanted your spouse to continue if the situation had been reversed? I think they'd not only want us to continue, but if they could take away our inner pain and turmoil, they would. They would want even more for us...to be happy. It is to this end I continually strive for...knowing it'll never be like it was, yet reaching for whatever there can be. You are both right on the mark, right where you should be for this time in your grief journey...you won't stay here, you will continue on the journey, and given enough time, it will get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 William,I have heard it said once that the amount of time you grieve is related to how much you loved the person. I don't believe that one bit, and don't let anyone else tell you that either. Everyone longs to be happy, that is our nature, for me at 7 months I was still in the fog, numb to a lot of things. I had gone through a lot of things and had been through the highest and lowest parts of my emotional roller coaster. So at 7 months your mind is kind of like giving you a break. Believe me there is still more to come. Just remember this, just because you don't feel a strong emotion when you think about your wife does not mean you love her any less. You know that she would want you to be happy.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusky Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Good Morning William,It’s Sunday morning, September 23, 2007. Jack has now been gone from my life for over two years. I remain convinced that there is nothing that will ever totally remove the pain we all feel at losing our mates. I guess I have moved into that arena of “acceptance” that so many books talk about. I still brake down on occasion, but nowhere near the daily breakdowns of two years ago. The tears still arrive but they are not constant as was the case in those early days of greif. When I do cry they are usually for the lost future or some remembered event of the 10-month illness of Jack dying by inches, blind, and with a brain tumor. I am still deeply affected by the events of his disease and death and the loss of a future with him.However, it has somehow all become easier with the passage of time, not because I love him less but because I love him even more. You speak of feeling “flat”, that the intensity of your grief has not surfaced recently and that your memories of your lost love appear more distant. I believe you have just described the “hills and valleys” of the process of greif – that roller coaster ride of which we all find ourselves as uninvited passengers. One day you feel numb, the next you feel the pain, and the pain returns with greater intensity. The difference is the time lapse between these feelings, which now may even be scattered with period of smiles and joy and even the ability to smile and laugh with others, as you remember special pieces of that extraordinary person who graced your life so beautifully.Yes – today a distant memory and the thought that the past is fading away forever. And tomorrow, the capability of bringing back painful memories of the loss suffered or beautifully exquisite memories of some special and unique facet of that lost personality.I believe all you are feeling – or not feeling – is all part of this cycle of greif. A difficult journey that at times confuses us with its many chameleon faces. Underneath the “flat”, the “distant memories” and “numbness” lay the pieces of our loved ones just waiting to be recalled. Sometimes recalled with tears and other times recalled with beautiful memories. However, because greif is filled with so many emotions, which are so confusing and so different, the recollections of our loved ones that surface can never fully and singularly define the cycle of greif. As with most everything else in life, it is the totality of what was that gives us the true picture.So when you feel “flat”, “numbness”, and fading memories”, remember “valley’s”, “intense feeling” and “vivid memories” that lay just beneath the surface - for you to call to mind and contact whenever you wish to do so.I believe you are progressing well – my friend – as an uninvited passenger on this roller coaster ride of greif.My best to you – and all who grace this site.Love,John – Dusky is my handle on hereLove you Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 So perfectly stated as always, dear John. Reading your post was, for me, like unexpectedly bumping into an old and very dear friend. How wonderful it is to find you here among us now and then, and to hear your beautiful voice once again . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 23, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Thanks for supporting me the wonderful way you do, everything now is so foreign to me, not something I ever anticipated or wanted in my life, Often times I think the meds I take mask the pain somehow but not sure if thats a fact though, strangely enough last night I cried so much. Wouldn't it just be possible to think of the good times? Derek, I don't think thats true either, we don't put a monetary value on our love so how could we but a timeframe on it?blessings,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 The meds just might be masking some of the feelings, but that is ok. I was on anti-depressants for awhile and I am glad that I had them I don't what would have happened If I didn't. There will be a time when you will look back at your life with your wife ad remember the happy times instead of the sadness you have now. I know it doesn't seem like it but it will.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 23, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Derek, I been thinking the same, but is it going to prolong my grief? Seems so far away that i ever will be the same guy again..William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Derek and William,I have been on Effexor since October of 2001. In September of 2001 I lost a cousin in the World Trade Center,5 days later my boss died of pancreatic cancer and 6 days after that my father in law died. I had a yearly doctors appointment and we he asked me how I was doing I became a blubbering idiot ! He just started writing on my chart knodding his head saying "Well I know what you need". I tried a couple times to stop taking them slowly but I would resort to being kinda not so nice so I am still on them. I still grieved and still am for Steve so I know for a fact it doesn't prolong the process, I still went through hell, it just kept me from going off the deep end. You know none of us will ever be the same again, our dreams have been shattered and our world turned upside down. I hate the lonliness I see in my future, I don't want anyone else, I want Steve back. But unless somebody knows of a way, it's not going to happen so I must go on, even with a broken heart. I don't remember how to be me, all I know is how to be us. Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 There is a difference in opinion as to weather or not anti-depressants prolong the process. What I can say is they helped a lot, I know that I would not have been able to function without them. I was on Eflexor as well and shortly after the holidays before the one year mark I got off of them. Every ounce of my being told me I was ready so I talked to my doctor and she told me how to taper off of them. I have now been off of them for 9 months. When I got off of them there wasn't that much of a change in my emotions. Recently, I have had some things happen in my life and Carson has done a couple of things that have brought back some emotions I haven't had in a long time. Some of that could be from not fully going through them early on. The way I see it is if you think it is too difficult for you to get through the day then talk to a doctor and see what they have to say. Wendy is right William, you will never be the same person you were before. There will be parts of you that will remain the same but not the whole person. You will learn who the new you is during the first year to two years. That is why they say not to get into an intimate relationship during the first 2 years. You need that time to discover yourself. Obviously, I didn't listen to that advice since I just got out of one a few week ago, but I see why it was advisable. I have read many of your posts, you have come a long way through lots of adversity throughout your life. You are doing well and will get through this.John,So good to read your words again, it has been awhile since I have heard form you. Glad to see you are still around.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Dusky...John...I have to say I'm so glad to read your words again. So well put together, flowing and meaningful. Thank you for being here. I don't think I've seen you for awhile. My Jack's been gone for just over two years and I will always love him. The ebbs and flows are still there but not as much. You must be a tremendously feeling person. Talk with us again.Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Derek, Wendy,Well I am on quite a few for about 13 years I think, now regularly long before my loss I been taking Wellebutrin, Zoloft, Valium & Trazadone they work for me if I don't take them for 2 days I deteriorate badly as my diagnosis is Bipolar II. Ok I now know that it doesn't affect the grief process, since psych meds usually are consumed out of the body in 24 hours, and has no permanent effect on the brain like a loss does. Wendy, you seem to have a very compassionate doctor, and effexor is a good drug with few side effects right? I feel bewildered by the understanding and compassion here, so amazing!William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 John, I am so sorry for your loss of Jack. We have not met yet but I enjoyed reading what you wrote more than you know ! You really have a way with words and I wish you would post more often as you have such a touching way with your thoughts.Wendy William,You should have seen the look on his face, I didn't even know it was coming. A woman could have asked me the same question and I would have just said " Ahh life sucks" But when a man asks me I break down and lose it. I have always worked with guys mostly maybe that has something to do with it. Right now I work with 50 guys and there is only myself and 2 of the owners wives whom work part time. I have to tell you each and everyone of them was there at Steve's service to support me, I love them all, they are all like brothers to me. I haven't had any side effects from the Effexor, but I can't seem to get off of them but now after losing Steve I won't even try, not now anyway.Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Thats a nice gesture of them, you are like "one of the boys" maybe its easier to talk to a man since you are around the often, were you close to your father? If it works for you why discontinue it, it really hard to tell when its time to wean off it, my doctors would keep me on something for years or months mostly if it worked well, sometimes it didnt work or the side effects were worse than the cure. may peace be with you!William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 William,I never knew my real father as my mother divorced him when I was a year old and we lived with my Grandparents and my Great Grandparents in a lovely 2 family house. My mother was young when she had me so I was raised by mostly grandparents and so so spoiled. Steve and I had just started dating when my Grandfather passed ( Great Grandparents were long gone) and I think that brought me even closer to him. My Grandmother God love her is still alive and lives with my Mom, she is now 93 and has Dementia and Alzheimers, it is so sad. I had a wonderful, almost like a Currier and Ives type of childhood, so wonderful but I think I always had that longing for a dad which I never had. I have a step dad now, but it is not the same as growing up with a father.Hugs,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Wendy,I am so sorry that your grandmother is not doing well, I only imagine the influence they have on you, and meeting Steve in the process, wow what a blessing you both were to each other. My father wasn't around much when I was growing up, it wasn't the normal childhood for me, my mother was a bona fide nut but we are survivors William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 THANK you my friends for being there Reading all the posts and your feelings I can feel Im not alone in that terible pain.Iv been through the feelings each of you describes.the desperation and hope .Is there any ?Some of you say it is some are desperate as I am.Love hurts.and lost love hurts more. HUGS FROM GREECE TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted September 24, 2007 Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Thank you William, it is so sad to see her this way, she can ask you 20 times in about a 15 min span the same question, sometimes more. Teny it is nice to hear from you again, how are you my friend?Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted September 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2007 Teny, nice to hear from you today, you are among many who are with you. How are you doing? Wendy, I seen what it does and its tragic, hopefully they will find a cure for it or some method to detect it long before it rears its ugly head.With love,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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