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My Heart


DawnG

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In my parent loss group tonight, we had to draw a picture of what our heart looks like right now, I thought this was a little ironic since I was just in the hospital for heart problems.

Anyway, this picture is what I drew @ group. The Anger side, which shows half, has to do with Jerry( my moms husband), not with my grief at all, which saddens me because I do not want him to rent any space in my heart.

Lost: My heart feels lost because I'm not sure who I am with out my mother, I feel lost from my friends and family.

Bitter: My heart is with Jerry for not honoring my mothers wish's, this is also not part of my grief, he is renting space again in my heart.

Hurt: My haeart is heart because Jerry hasn't let us have any of mom's stuff, once again, Jerry renting space.

Sad: My heart is sad because my mom is gone and I feel like I have nobody to lean on with the exception of my group and my therapist, I'm sad because all my friends have gone away and our family seems to have broken apart.

Invisible: My heart is invisble because I feel invisible.

Lonely: My heart is incredibley lonely. I miss my mother, there is a huge void in my heart that will never be full again.

Basically, Jerry is getting in the way of my grief for my mother, I will no longer let him rent space in my heart because for one, he doesn't care about us kids or grandkids, so I'm renting that space out to myself, I'm going to try my hardest to get the anger out, that's what is most concerning for me. I can deal with the other stuff, the anger is the one that scares me.

I found out today that Jerry dropped off one single box at my Uncle Bob's for us kids and grandkids that had pictures of family in it. He then called my uncle bob and said, that's all the kids are going to get from me. Nice huh? Now you see why my heart feels like it does?[attachmentid=166]

My_heart.bmp

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Dawn,

While I don't know what it is like to lose a parent, I do know what it islike to lose someone very close as I lost my wife 17 months ago. Something drew me to your post tonight and as I read, I realized just how in touch you are with what you are feeling. I envy you as I wish that I could be as in touch with my emotions that you are. You have the answer, you don't want to let Jerry rent any space and you are aware of this, that is the first step in healing your heart. I know what it is like to have the anger inside of you and how scary it can be to have to face that. I believe you will be able to do it.

Derek

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Dawn,

I agree with Derek. You are very in touch with your feelings and that is so important, and the beginning of healing. I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying this, but I think perhaps women are better at examining their feelings. Men tend to run from theirs. Just the nature of both sexes, I guess! So guys, am I right, or are you going to blast me for that? :unsure: Anyway, I am so glad you are progressing so well, Dawn. Keep up the good work.

Hugs,

Shell

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Dawn,

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. It feels alot like mine.

I think you have a very good understanding of your pain and grief, your decision to not rent out space to Jerry is so right. I lost my mom Dec.06. I don't know if you know my "history" here on the site, but I have so much anger in my heart towards my dad it was getting in the way of my grief and my own health. Slowly and I mean very slowly, I find I am replacing some of that anger with happier memories of my dad. I admire you for already recognizing there is no space available for Jerry in your heart. I am so sorry about your mom and what you are going thru with Jerry. Is there someone else that can talk to him about giving you, your mom's things? You are in my thoughts.

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He won't listen to anyone, he just says, she's gone and it's all his. He's very cold hearted. Near the end, well actually, ever since she was diagnosed she grew more distant from him, I went with her to all of the appt's and stuff. The week before she died, she told me he didn't deserve the farm, she didn't want to be with him any longer but she also didn't realize she was going to die so quickly, which was why she hadn't finished doing her will and changing her life insurance policy. My aunts and uncles won't even talk to him or stick up for us. It's really upsetting to me that nobody will help us kids. His own family ( brothers and sisters, with the exception of one) dont' even like the guy. It's so frustrating.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think I'm going to take time to evaluate my heart once a week to see if I'm changing.

Thanks again.

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Dawn,

I admire you for knowing your thoughts and feelings so defined.

What goes around comes around, that was one of my mom's sayings... and it does, and she would also say everyone has a pay day!

Take care of you! That should be your main focus, and I think you know that.

I am so sorry that your are having to go through this, not to be able to have personal belongings of your loved one is so cruel.

Everything will turn our alright.

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