Gentle, Sad, Fragile And Quiet Feeling

[karenb]

I guess it's one of those times.....I was doing my nightly walk with Sadie Mae in the "back 40" just as Jack and I did all the time over two years ago. It is really such a gentle and quiet time. I have our ocean things...chimes hanging from the trees, St. Francis in the garden, my "Jack Garden" with his grandpa footprints and a little statue with two birds and a saying about him. Fall is coming again and another long winter (I hope with no bad storms again)...I'm prepared. There's that lump in the throat and I miss my wonderful husband. You see, you guys, when you have such true love you simply just get used to the loss but it doesn't really go away. I'll be better tomorrow and I know my God is helping me all the time. I'm just sad.

Your friend, Karen

P.S. You know, I had his wedding ring resized and I wear it with mine. That's a comfort that it's the last thing he had with him.

[WendyJ]

Oh Karen I so much know what you mean. Just when I think I have made some good progress I have a time like right now where I could just cry on forever. You know what still scares me? I am not sure that I have fully accepted it, I wonder if in my mind I still think this may be temporary, I don't think so but I am not positive. Maybe that is why I have not cleaned out his stuff or even his dirty hamper ! I am actually forcing myself to get rid of his clothes because the Lupus Foundation is having a drive right now and they want clothing etc that they will sell and the funds go for research and it is tax deductable of course and right now the doctors think my Mom may have Lupus. This may be the push I need to clean house and help a good cause and they will be coming on October 8th so I better get cracking but it is going to be very hard ! You know Karen this was always my favorite time of year and the upcoming winter scares me as I have not gone through a winter yet without Steve and it has given me a huge knot in my stomach. I am in Northern New Jersey and I live on Mays Mountain. They are predicting a bad winter and if you notice the birds and especially the crows and squirrels fattening themselves up. See usually the squirrels will store food for the winter but this year they are fattening themselves up which means extreme colds and wet weather ! I will be snowbound as having had back surgery in the past and having asthma I am no match for the cold and shoveling. Then of course we know about how depressing the Holidays will be for all of us. I wish I had some words of comfort to make your pain go away but I am down tonight too, just know you are not alone my friend.

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Karen,

I completely understand how you are feeling. I go through those times every now and then. Before I turned my Karen's truck back in to Ford, I used to lay on the tail gate while it was cool outside and just look up at the stars. The weather is going to start getting cool again and I have since bought a truck for myself and will be back out on the tailgate. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Thank you so much, my friends. I know the lump will go away.

Karen

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

It is so new for you, it took me a while to fully accept that Karen was not going to return, I think that is the hardest part to overcome. I know thta you want to help out for Lupus by donating his clothes, my only advise to you is if you don't think you are ready then hold off doing it. Maybe just donate a few of his items but take your time. I slowly got rid of some of Karen's things by sending some to my mom as they are the same size. Then finally about a month ago I had her sister come with my nieces to go through the rest. They took everything with them and had a garage sale, what they didn't sell they gave to Goodwill. It is admirable that you want to donate his stuff, but if you don't think you are ready then hold off on it. I know for myself in the very begining I could not have handled seeing her side of the closet cleaned out. I needed that time. What ever you decide to do we all will be here for you.

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Karen,

My friend, my heart and prayers go out to you! You are so right when you say that when it is a true love you get used to it and it does not go away. On Christmas it will be 11 years that my Jimmy is gone and I love him just as much now as I did then. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[kayc]

I also want to mention that if you decide to donate his clothes, you will know when the time is right and don't push yourself because you think you "should", but keep a few things that are special. I kept George's fishing vest and hat, he totally loved fishing (he wasn't particularly good at it but he enjoyed being out there and he enjoyed trying), I kept his robe, I kept a sweater that he always used to dress up in when he went to church. I got rid of ALL of his welding clothes, would not even donate them, I threw them in the trash where they belonged (all except a new Carhart jacket that I gave away) because it felt to me that his job killed him...they demanded and demanded and it was never enough and he worked so hard to please them and they didn't even have the decency to send a representative to his funeral or to call me...or to even call me back when I tried them. I wanted rid of everything to do with his job. But the items I kept I can hold or look at, touch, smell, and be reminded of him.

[dpodesta]

I kept the night shirt that she wore the night before she died. I slept with it under my pillow for months.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

I too am having one of those really bad days right now. Nothing in particular, just missing my husband and my dad. It just hurts so bad. I am so blessed to have each of you and I know your pain is just as bad as mine. i guess I'm just falling back, I'm so tired and can't get this blood pressure under control. I just stress and fret and worry so much. Even with the medication I started taking it is 185/120 tonight.

Wendy

I agree with everyone. Be sure on the clothing that you are ready. I had the retarded citizens contact me to pick up, and I did donate some things but it was things Will hadn't worn or had been there a long time he didn't really like, he was one of those that when I did clean out closets, his remarks were, I might fit into that again, that's my favorite shirt (even though worn out). But each item I picked an item to donate it was, no I have to keep this. Maybe it is just my way of not letting go but is there any way to let go? I love him so much and this is just unbearable. This is one of those nights even faith and God seem so distant.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanne....I truly understand. My lump is gone now. I kept busy making little sewing things for my lady friends (crocheted kitchen wash clothes, aprons, neck scarves, etc.) and it helps doing something for others. Please be careful with that blood pressure...as you know, that's very high. I'm sure the stress of all this isn't helping. Keep working on it. I take blood pressure medicine, too, and it's always down now. I finally gave Jack's clothes to the blind but kept special things, his leather jacket, baseball hats, slippers and his other special "stuff." Because I've never heard from his children since the memorial, I still have what I was going to give to them, watches, pen knives, his special stuff. Oh, well! You know, hearing everything I've heard on this site, we all are so much alike...different stories....but so much alike. I'm so glad I know all of you. There goes that stupid lump again...I don't know why except maybe Jack is close by. Have a peaceful evening, my friend.

Karen

[suzanne]

Karen

Thank you for your reply. I guess because I had to put my happy face on at work all day, when it was a bad day anyway, I needed to let some feelings out. I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Can you practice a breathing in and out exercise, maybe have a little walk, something you know to bring down that blood pressure. Please be careful. Let us know a little later how you're doing, please. You are online so do you know about Skype (you need to be on the internet)? For about $25 a year you can call anywhere over your computer and maybe you need to talk to someone to calm down. I don't know, but I feel worried about you.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Boy we are all having an emotional week huh? I was driving home tonight and I just started talking to Steve like I do alot of times and I just started blubbering. You know maybe you guys are right, maybe it is too soon for me to give away his clothes. I would really love to have someone take alot of his shirts and cut them into squares and make me a small security blanket, you know one I could keep on the back of the chair and use on chilly nights or take to bed or just use when I am feeling weepy. How would I find someone who can do that? I am not a person who sews so I wouldn;t know where to begin. Thank you everyone for your kind words and Suzanne take care of yourself, wow that is high blood pressure, girl you have us all worried about you!!! How you feeling Karen, any better tonight? Derek, thanks so much for your advice, I am definately going to wait, you are so right I really am not ready.

Hugs,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

Please go to the doctor and see if he needs to increase your medicine, you need to get the blood pressure under control. I know it is difficult right now, I don't have high blood pressure but while I was going through the first months mine was around 140/90 my normal is 110/70. So mine was elevated as well. Please keep us informed.

Wendy,

I am glad my advise helped you, I have heard too many people say they regreted getting rid of clothes and belongings too soon.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Karen

I have put on a Josh Grobe CD. I know nothing about Skype. I hope they are not anything like the funeral home gave me with the hot line. These were very young people who asked questions and then you could hear them flipping through pages trying to find an answer. I asked, have youm ever been through anything like this? Answer, no. I even asked at one time will you pray with me, answer, we are not allowed to do that and hung up. I'm losing it very quickly tonight. Would you just hang in there with me, grief has a very tight hold on me right now.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Thanks, Wendy....that darn lump seems to come and go this week. I think Jack must be close by and I'll just chalk it up to that. I am really fine, but I'm worried about Suzanne. That blood pressure is not good and I hope she gets back to us this evening. I hope she takes care....and you, too, my friend. You know, making a little quilt out of the squares would be wonderful. Go online and see if you can't just do it by hand. It would be a comforting thing to do with winter coming on....keep your nightime hands busy, huh?

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Karen I am worried about Suzanne too, if I were her I would go to the doctors immediately ! That blood pressure is nothing to mess with, hear us Suzanne? And while I am at it...William did you take your meds tonight??? You know me reminding William helps me to remember, and it helps me keep an eye on him too . Now Karen what is this lump you are talking about? You mean just that lump you get in your throat when your nerves kick in?

I don't know if I will get yelled at for saying this but here it goes. I was just advised by a family member to sign up with something called Lifelock.com. Not only is everyone vulnerable but I know right now the last thing I would need is to get nailed with identity theft. This protects you from that and stops junk mail and stops all those pre-approved credit cards from coming in the mail. I think you should all check it out, I feel so much better knowing I am protected. Sorry Marty if I shouldn;t have said this !

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy

I am thinking about the memorial bears that can be made out of clothing. I would so like a bear to hold made out of one of Will's shirts. I saw someone had posted a website that does this. I thought I would love that. I might could part with one of his shirts for that. I love stuffed animals and Will got me so many over the years, especially teddy bears. I'm trying to calm down but the tears just keep coming. Everyone's support is so much appreciated. Everyone here is a lifeline and I know each of you hurts just as much. Thank you for your support. So nice to have a place to come on nights like this.

Suzanne

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

We are all here for you, just keep talking.

Wendy,

I don't think what you posted is objectable.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Suzanne they have a place online for that ??? OMG I would love to have a bear too ! Please tell me where I can find this. I think since my Mom sews I would like to ask her to make a blanket for me, I was going to ask her to make it for me for Christmas but you know darn well I will ball my eyes out when she gives it to me and the Holiday will be hard enough as it is. I am so glad to have all of you too, you are all so special to me and have helped me more than you will ever know !

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

We're all here. I have my computer set to beep me when an email comes through...it's upstairs and I'm down. I built this home and it's kind of cabin-like with an upstairs open loft, cedar ceilings...very small, just the loft, bedroom and 1 1/2 baths with a "great" room which is kitchen and front room. It's all very open. Skype is a program you buy that just allows you to make telephone calls from your computer to anywhere in the world. Check it out at www.Skype.com. It's pretty good. My grandaughter was on a mission trip to Chile for several months and I just talked to her over the computer. I was on a promotion deal which just cost me $15, but for $25, if you have people who are long distance from you, it's pretty cheap. I talk to my son in Kauai, Hawaii, my son in Bellingham, and lots of others who are out of my area code.

It's been over two years for me but I totally understand what you're going through. Cry if you need to, maybe that will bring that blood pressure down. Be sure to let your doctor know what's going on....that isn't good for you. I'm here and so are we all....just for you tonight....hang in there.

Your good friend, Karen

P.S. Maybe I shouldn't have mentions Skype, either. I don't know, but I'll check out Lifelock.....sorry, Marty!

[WendyJ]

Karen,

Can you call Heaven with your computer? Wishful thinking !

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

I recieve e-mails for each topic that I have posted in and any new topics that come across this particular fourm. My Blackberry beeps when Someone comments. I remember several nights in the begining where all I could do was sit in front of the computer and shake waiting for a reply.

I wish you could call Heaven, if someone figures out how let me know.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hey everyone, I have chills right now just thinking of this so totally wonderful support system. So wonderful, you guys.

Karen

[suzanne]

I do need to keep talking. I haven't cried so much in about two weeks. Guess it was time. Someone at work today told me it was best not to bring up lost loved ones, please mention my loss. It is real and it does not go away. She just got married on the 15th and I thought, well you know at somem point in time one of you will have to go through this and you are not going to like it. They are very young and I guess death doesn't seem a possibity right now. It didn't for me. Thank you eveyone for listening to me tonight. I know I am a real downer.

Suzanne