Gentle, Sad, Fragile And Quiet Feeling

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

Never say that you are a downer, it is what you are feeling right now, and all of us have been there at one point or another. In order to heal we have to bring up lost loved ones. I understand how newlyweds feel, I didn't believe in my wildest dreams that Karen would die so soon. I am only 38 and thought there would be many more years. I think about the loans the we took for mortage and home equity and the insurance they offer for if one dies the loan is paid off. We never gor any of that because we never thought it would happen. Anyway, Suzanne, stay with us and talk about whatever you need to.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Crying is good, too. I think it cleanses, they say. Playing Josh will probably make you cry more....he's so good! Just keep talking, my friend. Maybe it's like keeping a journal. They say that's good, too. I don't have that discipline, though. I'm on the computer so much I can't write by hand very well any more. I have a home business where I transcribe courtroom proceedings. It's just a little pin money, but living on Jack's disability is not much money. Hang in there, you're doing fine.

Love, Karen

[dpodesta]

This is a lot like a journal, you can go back anytime and review your posts. You can look back and see how far you have come.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Thank everyone so much. You have me helped me through a difficult night, It's no over but I'm going to bed and maybe try to sleep. The bears I'm not sure about the website. I think Marty may have mentioned it. I typed in memorial bears on google. There is one that you can pick the eye color and even add a music box with a choice of songs. I like the song Close to You that she had on the list.

Suzanne

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

Get a good nights sleep, and please contact your doctor, get your bllod pressure under control. You will be in my thoughts and prayers

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Good night....here's a great big "bear" hug. Sleep tight and see your doctor!!!

Love you...Karen

[WendyJ]

Sorry guys I got sidetracked by a phone call. Nite nite Suzanne, I hope that tomorrow will seem just alittle brighter for you. I know some of my days are better than others, I usually judge them on if I got anything accomplished and how much I cried. All I know is every time I look at a picture of Steve I swear he sees me and is looking right back and I cry every time ! Like you Suzanne I miss my husband more than anyone could ever imagine and would give anything to have things back the way they were, and if that were possible I would be a better wife, a better mother and a better person. None of us are perfect but this has caused me to look back on my past and see where I could have made some improvements. I found one website here in Jersey, not sure if that is the one but she is pretty pricey, I know it would be worth it but whew ! Gotta think about that for a bit.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Where is my buddy William tonight ?

Edited September 26, 2007 by WendyJ

[karenb]

Yeah, William....take your pills tonight...don't forget. We care for you.

Love you, Karen

[kayc]

You guys are so wonderful! By the time I finished reading this thread, I felt like saying, "Goodnight, Johnboy!" You guys sound like the Waltons!...just one big family. I have dial up connection at home and it is unbearably slow, so by the time I loaded and read all three pages, everyone else was gone.

Suzanne, I am also worried about your blood pressure, I am shocked that the doctor hasn't already initiated getting you on something stronger. Are you taking daily walks? Please try to do anything that feels good and relaxes you! Cooking, reading, crafts, playing with animals, riding horses, whatever it is that YOU like. Playing music was a good idea. I've heard yoga is good for health, I've never tried it but I know someone else who swears by it. I know that prayer lowers blood pressure, but that's sometimes hard to do when you're deeply grieving.

About the quilt...if you don't sew, you could maybe get a quilter to put one together for you. If you cut out the squares it would save much of the expense, but remember if you do to go with the grain not on the bias. Sewing them together would be easy enough but consistency is the key...it helps if you're sewing on a machine to use the guide on the plate. Call a quilter's guild or club and see if someone would be interested in taking on putting it together or at least sewing on the backing and doing the edges. It would bring you much comfort to wrap up in a quilt made of his shirts and you could have it for a lifeime! I have a quilt I've had for over 30 years and it only has a couple of worn spots and it's gotten so soft over the years.

The bear would also be a cute idea. I wish I'd thought of these things before I got rid of George's clothes, but I can still hug his robe.

Karen, you said you haven't heard from his kids since the service, I haven't heard from George's son either, but I sent both of his kids each a favorite sweater of George's, and I sent his son his Bible and his daughter his Baptismal certificate, and I sent them both copies of all our pictures and a tape of his service. I also sent his daughter George's "bears necklace"...bears was our thing...he was the Big bear and I was the little bear, and (since I'm hugely into rubber stamping) our favorite stamp was two bears hugging each other (him and me)...he told me to never get rid of that stamp, and I won't/can't. He commissioned someone to make an ivory carving of those bears for a necklace for me for a wedding present and he had the same one cast in silver for himself. He always wore it on a chain around his neck and one night he lost it at work among the aluminum shavings (he was a welder). So he commissioned the same man to make a pair like it for each of us (I was always afraid to wear the ivory one for fear of losing it, it's so soft). We were going to give them to each other on our 4th anniversary...but he died first. So I gave his to his daughter. I tried really hard to think of what he might want done with things. I wanted to give his lion ring I had given him for a wedding present to his son but someone stole it, it was very valuable but it wasn't the monetary part that bothered me, it was the sentimental value that made it irreplaceable.

Karen, you live near Seattle, maybe we could meet halfway sometime...how far is Seattle from Portland? I am 3 1/2 hours (on a good traffic day) from Portland.

William, I hope you start feeling better, and you too Suzanne and Wendy. It's hard, we've all been through so much, but as you can see by Karen and Derek and I, it does get a little better with time. Hang in there, all of you and I wish you pleasant dreams...and good blood pressure! I love you all!

Edited September 26, 2007 by kayc

[kayc]

Here is a picture of it, it's kind of hard to see the necklace though...[attachmentid=167]

[Dusky]

Hello to you all,

I've just been reading some of the messages on this thread. When Jack died - about a year after his death - I had a quilt made out of some of his shirts. Luckily my sister is a marvelous seamstress - and she performed all the work on this masterpiece. It is a large quilt - which I keep displayed in my living room on top of a large chest that contains the blankets and sheets that jack died on as well as some loving memories of Jack. Eventually when I am gone - the quilt will be passed on to Jacks granddaughter Madison - who will be able to have it as a memory of her Papa Jack. Many of the shirts that are contained in this quilt are the same ones that Jack wore as he held Madison in his arms as a young child - and hopefully - in years to come - she will realize the meaning of these shirts and that they once touched the man she knew as her Papa Jack - and who loved her so much.

I am sure if you google "memorial quilt" you could find someone who makes such a quilt out of your loved ones shirts. If I remember correctly there is one in New York City. Memorial quilts are quite the "up and coming" activity to help remember lost loved ones. I am sure there are individuals and companies who now specialize in this. I was lucky - as I had a built in seamstress in my family - but I know you can get this done.

Love to you all,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Many of the sites you're seeking (bears, quilts, etc.) are listed on the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I'm not familiar with the other sites you've mentioned, but certainly if you use them, you're comfortable with them, and you know them to be legitimate, please feel free to recommend them to one another. I see that as quite different from advertising, which of course we do not permit here.

[missingcharlie]

Wendy - I just have to put my "2 cents" in on the clothing issue. It took me 2 years before I could get rid of my husband clothes. I just couldn't stand the thought of them not being in the closet, but finally about this time last year, I felt like it was the right time. I got rid of most of his things, but I have a plastic container with alot of his T-shirts. My Charlie LOVED t-shirts and jeans!!! He rode a Harley and has quite a few Harley shirts - all of which I have.... I kept his bathrobe, which still hangs in my closet. I gave some of his shirts to his sister and his brotherinlaw, I gave some work clothes to a close friend of his that he worked with and the rest I donated to the homeless shelter. It was a huge thing, to me, to not give them to places that sell their clothing....I wanted someone who needed it to have it.

PLEASE do not rush into giving his clothes away, if you are not ready. There will be another clothing drive or maybe get the Lupus Foundation's phone number and when you ARE ready you can donate them to them, then.

I understand a little about Lupus. One of my dear friend's daughter has it and at one time they tested my husband for it. We found out later that he had systemic scleroderma, which is an autoimmune disease just like Lupus.

Take care Wendy!!

Hugs to all.

Patti

[karenb]

Kay...In answer to Jack's 3 children. In his will he wanted to be cremated and when they wanted him next to their mom I felt I should follow his wishes. They demanded a copy of the will to verify his wishes. His daughter had her 10-year-old son email me asking me not to do it, that I was tearing up the family. They were politely rude at the memorial and I never heard from them since. I made a package for each with mementos of his, copy of the service, beautiful small urns, etc. They really did a good job of making me feel so badly for many months so the packages are still in the closet. I know Jack wouldn't like their actions, he wasn't fond of some of the things they were doing when he was alive. I know he understands. I am about 3 1/2 hours from Portland. We should think about meeting sometime. I don't know where you are. As far as the lump, it's just that one you get in your throat now and then....comes and goes. Have a peaceful day.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Hi Guys, I am here, sorry my dear ones,I was having alot of bad days coming at me and I didn't want to deal with it on top of it I missed a few days of meds. I made a bad choice to rid of all her shoes and clothing within 2 weeks, I look back and regret it, but I kept alot of her favorite clothing so that helps a bit, but ever since then I forget everything all the time. Some of you know my story about the spouse's family and friends, such a horrible and cruel things they do to US, the most impacted by this bereavement. I miss you guys..

Love,

William

[karenb]

William, for Heaven's sake, take your meds!!! I'm sorry for your lost days, we've been here for you all those days, reminding you of things you need to do. You do know that your lost days are also ours, wondering where you are Oh, my friend, you haven't done anything wrong...it felt right at the time and what does it matter, now? What's done is done...some clothes are gone but your memories are still there....you loved your wife and that's what's important. Keep looking for the good memories, they're still there. If bad ones come around, send they flying with your good thoughts. You are such a good friend to us, please take care of yourself and please get that 7-day pill container so you don't miss your meds. Don't you know they'll help you, if you stay on them. You know I have a schitzophrnic son and I preach this all the time? William, please don't worry about things you can't do anything about, just pray for help along this way. We love you.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Karen,

I am 3 1/2 hours from Portland in a little town called Oakridge, which is southeast of Eugene. I'd love to meet you as soon as I am able to travel! I still have my son's dog which prohibits me from travel until he gets back from New York later this month. I'll let in touch with you later and maybe we can work out a time!

Love,

Kay

[Stallyn]

Karen, thansk for your message, I outdid myself with the meds BTW. missed several times and suffering now, going to make a sign in the living room to fix this problem, thanks for caring and love, it means so much to me

William

[karenb]

William....As you know my son has schizophrenia, lives in his own apartment, has a part-time job. Well, the program he's in required an annual inspection of his apartment to make sure everything there is okay. Well, I'm so pleased and proud because yesterday he passed his inspection and he's good there for another year. You know you mentioned that you're alone...well, he is as well, and that's got to be hard. I'm alone, but I have friends and my daughter and her family close by, so I don't have that feeling. It's very hard for him to join anything, or whatever might get him out some, but he's used to his life. I gave him a laptop and he's pretty electronically knowledgable, so that helps. Well, I've rattled on, but you know I do understand your situation and just pray that you don't get messed up in that feeling that "I don't need my meds, I'm fine." That doesn't work, right? You have a peaceful evening, my friend.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen,

I was in a similar program sometime ago also, the annual inspections help guys like us to keep things in order, I know how difficult it is to get out and meet people, maybe the illness somehow affects us in a odd way, I knew alot of people

like myself with the same thing, I think, well its a quirk or hard to focus long enough to converse with people. We have a inner world thats so different and personalized to ourselves as a safe haven. My memory has gone downhill since my loss and meds seem to be a problem remembering to take, hopefully in time it will get better? Myrna was the reason I cared for myself better. You have a nice nite too ok?

your friend,

William

[suzanne]

Karen

So happy that your son passed his inspection. You are such a wonderful Mom.

William

We all care so much about you. Please take your meds. Wendy will come and get you.

I reached seven months today. Still so very painful but not as intense. I'm just remembering all of the beautiful times and holding them close to me tonight. Just maybe I see a little light. Everyone here has given me hope for a brighter tommorow. I am so very thankful and blessed for each of you. I never would have made it to this point without you. Thank you my friends. Of course as we all know that could change tommorow but at least for tonight I will get through it.

Love

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanne,

Just choose to have a peaceful evening with wonderful memories.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

William,

Did you take your meds tonight? I would hate to see Wendy come after you, I can just see the headline news now "Grief stiken women beats up man after he repeataly forgot to take his medications...more to follow on the 10:00 news".

Suzanne,

I am glad you are finding some peace tonight. There is still some rough times ahead, but for now enjoy the peace and know that God is with you.

Love always,

Derek

[Stallyn]

Suzanne, its awesome to meet and share our experiences with each other, I am at 7 months also.

Derek, I did take them today I wouldn't want a womans wrath LOL. Gee I hope it don't make headlines or I be so embarrassed thanks for caring about me my friends!

God Bless,

William

[Corinne]

William,

I am glad you are back posting and taking your meds. Wendy might have directed those threats at us if we did not try to keep you in line. Have a peaceful night.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne