Anger

[Mrcelloboy]

I was informed, by various grief counseling sources, to expect to feel anger at some point. I'm not one who has ever held anger as a very acceptable emotion or feeling. I'm more of a gentle type, so it's a hard one for me to accept.

Kathy, my partner of 10 years and future wife was killed on her bicycle on the way to a longer local ride, last November 10th. We were going to be married Nov. 11 2007.

I'm angry that she couldn't have been a bit more careful in traffic (she was run over by a recycling truck making a right turn).

I'm angry that our future as husband and wife was taken away.

I'm angry that I was left single, when she knew I hated being on my own.

I'm mad that I've had to rebuild my life by myself, when it's so much easier when one has a partner to help.

There are certainly things I feel positive about, but it somehow feels good to be experiencing some anger as well.

Maury

[northern duke]

Mrcelloboy,

I'm very sorry about your fiancée.

I would like to tell you that your feelings are both normal and in some ways, a good thing. To be feeling anything after the horrible event that you've been through is a good sign. Anger, in my opinion would be chief among the things that you must be feeling besides sadness. I can understand how you feel that your entire life and future have been stolen from you. I can relate. It sounds like you're making good progress through the process of your grief, even though it hurts like hell.

I'm sorry.

Christian (The Duke).

[karenb]

Maury...What a terrible thing to have happen. I sure understand your anger. At least I had a few years before Jack died. Having a life partner was the most wonderful thing, I'll never forget it. Your future was cut short so tragically, and I'm so sorry. I am glad, however, that there are some things that make you feel positive. I'm glad you are a gentle man, they're few and far between....just stay that way. You're finding your way, thank God for that. Keep in touch.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Maury,

Anger can be healing. I know that for myself, it takes a lot for me to get angry, and for the longest I was angry after Karen died, but I didn't have any where to focus the anger. Unfortunately my anger was directed at those around me. Anger in that since can be distructive. You sound like you are coming along, you have areas to direct you anger and you are letting it out. In doing that you are on the road to healing.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Maury

What happened to you is so tragic. I can understand your anger. You were robbed of so many happy years and dreams together. I can not even imagine the pain you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. This is just such a painful and long journey. I lost my husband March 2nd so I am still so raw and open I'm pretty much too new for any advice. I'm so thankful for the years we did have together but a thousand would not feel like enough. I've had lots of anger as well. I do understand, hang in there.

Suzanne

[shell]

Maury,

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a tragedy. You are being so courageous in identifying and confronting your anger, and it is a very postitive thing to do. One of the hardest things for me was feeling any anger toward the people I've lost, but in life, we are going to feel angry about something, no matter how much we love someone. It's acknowledging their "faults" but loving them anyway that is true love, at least to me. And after someone dies, it's hard to admit that something they did hurt you or angered you, but it's very healthy to let yourself do this. And to just be mad about the unfairness of life! Keep up the good work.

Hugs,

Shell

[Mrcelloboy]

This past weekend I spent mostly with my new honey.

She is so understanding and patient with me. The fact that she's a Nurse Practitioner is a big help I'm sure, but she's also a gentle, nurtuting soul.

She's sure I'm "the one" for her from here on out. I have to be honest with her and only know I'm loving being with her "in the moment" and hope my love for her will grow. Right now I feel so emotionally foggy I'm not sure I can really feel sometimes.

Yesterday we were sitting in my living room before a tandem bike ride and i was just feeling overwhelmed by the fact that EVERYTHING has changed. And I wanted NOTHING to change. It's so unfair. Then we just have to deal with it~! The only choice is deal or not deal, and the latter is a guaranteed losing proposition, whereas moving forward, as hard as it is, at least offers the possibility of an eventually positive outcome.

I just have to believe that allowing my sadness, anger, and whatever other feelings come up, to flow will eventually get me past the worst and things will slowly become more positive again.

Maury

[Only Child]

Dear Maury -

My sincerest condolences on losing your fiancee.

While I'm told that anger is a normal emotion some time after losing a loved one - even when they had nothing to do with their death - it doesn't sound like she's to blame. I'd be angry, too, if I'd found someone special - and felt I'd lost my future with them.

My grief is relatively recent - and my anger is pointed more at those who kept me from finding closure at the end. I'm only just learning that the past couple of days. I can only hope that you, too, will come to some realizations that your fiancee loved you too much to have given up her future with you, as well.

God Bless You

[Mrcelloboy]

I apologize if I'm too graphic here, if yo feel sensitive you might not want to read this.

We had some closure issues as well, due to the traumatic nature of Kathy's death, and the fact that it occurred on a Friday and the Coroner's office was closed for the weekend... I never got to see her again after leaving for work that morning. We were allowed to see one of her hands slipped out of the body bag she was in, and later were allowed to write some notes on the box that she was cremated in.

We spoke with another member of the cycling community who had arrived at the accident scene just after Kathy was run over and he'd tried to administer CPR.

He gave Kathy's closest girlfriend a pretty detailed description of what she looked like; Martha needed that. I don't think I could have survived seeing her at the accident site, but at the same time it was like she just disappeared. That was a bit unreal.

[MartyT]

I don't think I could have survived seeing her at the accident site, but at the same time it was like she just disappeared. That was a bit unreal.

Maury, your ambivalence about seeing or not seeing your beloved at the accident site where she died is understandable, and the feeling that she simply disappeared from your life does indeed stem from the fact that you were not able to see for yourself what actually happened to her. Please see the following post:

Death of My Son