What To Do?

[dpodesta]

Ok, now for all of the times that I seem like I have it all together now it is my time to vent and go nuts. Carson has had some behaviorial problems, and without going into details these behaviors aren't just your typical talking in class, not putting things away type of behaviors these are way out in left field. I have an appointment with a child psychologist in the middle of October to address what has been going on. The straw that has broken the camels back is a note that I got from school today. I will go into this one, they were making some scultures out of wood or something, they were supposed to be making an animal of their choice, when asked what he was making he said he was making a bomb. Luckly he is in third grade and they didn't take it seriously. I told him that these are things that can get him taken away from me. I am tired of having to deal with all of this by myself. I didn't sign up to be a single parent. I didn't ask for this. What is God trying to teach me through all of this? Some of the stuff Carson has done is costing some money to fix, and I am not talking about doctor's fees I could care less about those as long as something helps. It is getting to the point when I pick him up and come home I am afraid to look in his binder because of what I might find next. I feell like throwing my hands up in the air and saying I give up. I know that I can't give up but that makes it all the more frustrating. I have grounded him for stuff and I have spanked him for stuff, I have run out of options for punishment, because it just doesn't seem to work.

Now that I have ranted and raved, and made my 8 year old sound like a mad man. I will say that all in all he is a good kid, with a kind heart and I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt some one. I just wish I knew what was going through his mind for him to do the things he is doing. Let me hear from some of the other single arents out there, let me know that I am not the only one who is having these types of problems with theier kids.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Sorry, Derek, I'm not a single parent but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry you both are going through this. I'm glad you have that appointment. He's so young so I'm glad you're pursuing all this. Does he have friends to play with, some activities and things to keep him busy? You'll find some solutions, I know. Don't ever forget the hugs. What about grandparents or other family members? Hang in there, Derek, you'll get a handle on it.

Your friend, Karen

[smhenglish]

"I didn't sign up to be a single parent. I didn't ask for this."

Derek, I've said this so many times since Eric passed that I lost count. It sounds like Carson is an angry little guy. The visit to the psychologist is exactly what you should do.

I'm not encountering the same behaviors, but I have many of the same fears of looking in the backpack. I've got a 16 year old daughter who is bipolar. She's now on medication, but since she was 14, she's been a chronic runaway, attempted suicide, and stole a car. She's almost done with probation. And I've got a 9 year old son with autism. These were both issues before Eric died, but I certainly don't want to handle them alone. Our 7 year old daughter has been angry and defiant since we lost Eric. She goes to see the school counselor 2 times a week, and we have a family counselor that we all go to.

We both have a rough road ahead. Even if we find someone else to love, then we face the step-family issues, which I know from experience is no picnic either. Keep your calm with Carson. It doesn't help to lose it yourself.

[Corinne]

Derek,

I am right there with you! My youngest daughter (7) is going through the same thing. Luckily for embarassment sake she saves it for home. She too is a good girl with a huge heart, but I too am at wits end. She beats up on her older sister (8) says she is going to hurt her, does anything she can to make her cry. She throws things, bangs things, does what she can to make me crazy. I too have tried all the punishment options. I did not sign up for this alone either and I get so mad at John for leaving me to have to do this on my own. She used to listen to him when he disciplined her and now I feel like she is walking all over me. Granted it is not all the time. I just don't get it because one minute she is hugging and kissing me and the next, look out.

She will not go to bed without me laying with her until she falls asleep which by the time she falls asleep I am too tired to do anything and I just go to bed. As you can see I have no suggestions but it does feel better knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

Hugs & lots of prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Corinne

Carson is the same way when it comes to sleep, he sleeps in my room on the floor at the foot of my bed. This way I can be on the computer or watching TV while he is laying down. He doesn't always fall asleep right away with the TV going but he is laying down and not moving all over the place. One of these days he will be ready to go back to his room and I will have my room back to myself. I am glad I am not the only one experiencing this, I feel so alone when this happens.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Derek

Sorry I never had any children so I can't help you there Will had three but they don't have anything to do with me anymore. I am so sorry you are having such problems with Carson. Does he have a pet? I know you are such a great father and I hope so the counseling will be of help to you both. You have both been through so much. Don't give up. I wish I could help in some way. Everyone here has helped me so much. I am thinking of you both and will say a prayer.

Suzanne

[Corinne]

Derek,

I know it is a very lonely frustrating feeling when you don't have any idea how to help your child deal with their feelings. When John was missing I had gone to a child psycologist by myself and discussed the girls with him and at that time he said I was doing everything right. Now I don't know maybe I am going to have to find one here to see what I can do for her. If you are having one of those times when you don't know what to do and are feeling alone in it give a shout out and maybe I will have come up with a solution for the problem at the time or maybe someone else here will have one. Remember here you are not alone, we are all in it for the long run.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[teny]

[Derrec I have a grandson age 10.When Yiany died he went wild .HE did not belieave his grandpa was gone he was telling us that he is every night in the garden talking to him He did not go to scool for weeks and coming home he would go to make sure that his father was alive.kids react in strange way and Im sure tha loosing a mother is adeep wound for achild.Doing things like you deskibe I think he is trying to have your atension.It must be hard on you having to face your grief and taking care of your litle one.I wish you find strength.TENY

[Dusky]

Derek,

You have the strength of a lion. You have proven this repeatedly with your beautiful messages to others on this site. Carson is yours and Karen’s son –your little “lions cub” - so he too must be a very strong individual. You will survive this.

I helped raise Jacks son – so I am sort of a pseudo father. All I can say is that from what I have seen on this site and how you have always interacted beautifully with your son you certainly seem to have a wonderful handle on knowing just what to do, when to do it, and what course of action to take as you raise this young spirit. I know with Jacks son - I saw Jack interact with his son constantly - always keeping the lines of communication open. Young people sometimes give us the impression that they are not hearing what we say – but my experience with young minds is that despite the fact that they want you to believe they do not hear your words of wisdom and concern, that the reality of the situation is that they do. Keep communicating with him – it’s the best medicine. My hunch is that soon the “lions cub” with hear his father.

You are a good man – and as the old saying goes – “the apple does not fall too far from the tree” – so these problems will eventually be resolved.

My best to you always.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Deonna]

Derek:

My heart goes out to you. I'm a single parent of a ten year old boy. He too acted up around the age of 8 years old. It's really tough as a parent, because you know that you didn't raise them to behave in such a manner. When my son Nathan was doing similiar behaviors as your son in school, I absolutely dreaded picking him up to find out what his teachers or after school teachers were going to tell me about his "performance" in school that day.

Getting Nathan involved in a lot of after school activities, (sports, band, etc.) worked for him. I think it brought him a since of belonging a long with a good set of boundaries and guidelines to follow. I know being a part of a team working towards a goal has brought a lot more of his leadership skills a long with being a great sport.

The bedroom issue: Nathan is 10 and still sleeps at the foot of my bed. I cannot seem to get him to sleep in his room which is on the main floor of our home (my bedroom is upstairs). Part of this is my fault, but I'm so tired by the end of the night, (I own and operate a coffee house in my home town). I just rather him sleep on my floor then go through a entire debate with him of why and when he will sleep in his room. Good luck, and I will keep you in my prayers. Deonna

[kayc]

Derek,

You are a really terrific person and a great parent. You set a good example and provide him everything he needs. It sounds like he's acting out some of the stuff that's bothering him and maybe that is losing his mom. Did he have problems before she got ill? I hope a psychologist will help and give you some direction on how to deal with this.

My little sister has a child that has had problems since he was little. Julie and Dana are the best parents in the world and they didn't cause or contribute to his problems. Life is unfair sometimes, as you've already learned. It's good for you to vent, you need to not hold it in or feel alone in this. I will pray for you and Carson and your situation and also doctors for wisdom. Sometimes we want easy answers and don't find them, but remember that God does know what's wrong and He can help you deal with this. Hang in there Buddy we care about you!

[dpodesta]

Deonna,

I have been going to the WARM Place for awhile and they told me in there that to let the children sleep as long as they need to in your room. It gives them a since of security. After a few months I was ready for him to be back in his own bed, but after I heard that I became ok with it. I have learned to pick my battles although it is hard, but sometimes it is just easier not to argue over things like wearing shorts instead of jeans during the summer. I have gotten him involved with some of the activities at church I am working with his grade level on Sunday nights. It is so hard during the week, trying to get home, dinner and then try and go somewhere else.

Kayc,

He really didn't have many problems before Karen died and what did go on wasn't anywhere close to what he is doing now. I am sure some of it has to do with losing his mom, I know that he is fearful of losing me. I found this out from a friend as he won't discuss things like this with me. Hopefully all of this will work out once we start seeing a therapist.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I know I can get through this it is yet just one more hurdle I have to go through. You all know how it is when you get hit by these, your mind goes a million miles an hours and it throws you back several steps, back to some of the thoughts and emotions I had right after Karen died. Thanks again.

Love always

Derek

[lorikelly]

Derek

First i want to say that i will be praying for you and Carson.

I believe he is acting out what he can't say. He probably didn't deal with karens death well. we all think b/c they are children, they are resillant and will bounce back. sometimes it doesn't go that easy.

I have 2 boys 12 and 9 both born with medical problems. nothing that stops them from doing normal stuff but it does effect them. my older boy had so much anxiety and acted out alot. i started him in one on one counseling when he was 5. i found out that he was terrified he would die, that he just wanted to be normal and he didn't know how to act around others. time and therapy paid off. he has changed alot, come out of his shell and behavior has gotten much better. he is a typical 12yr going through puberty. that should say it all. my little one now is preoccupied with dying. with his medical problems and my moms death he thinks everything will kill him. children deal with things differently then adults. they don't know how to talk it out like us. i think it will do him could do meet with someone on a one to one basis.

You are a great father and God will give you the strengtj to get through this. Remenber losing his mom was alot for him

God Be With You. Lori

[Gail_R]

Derek not sure what to say my kid's are all adults. But like everyone is saying I too beleive that you are on the right track. It must be so hard to deal with your greif and them try helping your son. There are day's that I have a hard with just myself and don't think that I could be much good to a small child. God Bless and take care of yourself. Gail

[Stallyn]

Derek,

You been through so much and your support is unwavering, I do not have any children, I read somewhere children behave to a loss in a different way that us adults, You are a good father and always will do the best for him.

Blessings,

William