Feeling Horrible Tonight

[Only Child]

Mom's gone three weeks tonight. I'm coming to terms slow but sure but am feeling so guilty tonight about her last day/hours. I can only remember one question I asked her all day. I was busy on phone asking docs/nurse/family if I should bring her to hospital, etc. Mom had more attention from Aide than me, and I realized it - I wasn't doing it deliberately but now I'm beating myself up. My best friend, my Mom - she would have been at my side all day comforting me and consoling me - I can't remember anything but asking if she wanted to go to hospital. I only remember her tapping the top of my hand with her nails. Nothing else but her breathing and eyes slowly closing. What's wrong with me? I wasn't afraid of being near her at the end - I WANTED to be there for her. Why did I fail her when she needed me most? Funeral was botched up, too, and I feel I should have done things differently - both issues can never be resolved.

She was so dear to me.

Hard time living with it and hating myself more than words can say.

Only Child

[dpodesta]

Only child,

All I can say is don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could do with what you had to work with. There are a million things through our life time that we could have done better and if we beat ourselves up or couldn't forgive ourselves for these things then we would be a basket case by the end of our lives. I am sure what you see as botched up no one else noticed I have heard it said many times we are our worst critic. Take it easy and relax I am sure you did fine.

Love always

Derek

[shell]

Only Child,

Please, please, don't blame yourself. I know exactly where you're coming from. I, too, was so busy with all the details of taking care of my mom that I was afraid I wasn't paying enough attention to her. The day she died, I left the room for literally about fifteen seconds to run a bag out to the garbage can. When I came back, she was gone. I have beat mysef up a hundred times about being gone for those fifteen seconds. But, in the end, things just go the way they are going to go, if that makes any sense! I'm sure you did a wonderful job of taking care of your mom and she knew it. Ultimately, we loved our moms and they loved us and that was for many years. It doesn't change because someone dies, ya know? So, please forgive yourself and know that you did ok.

Hugs,

Shell

[Carey]

Last night, I felt horrible, too. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago yesterday. My roommate from college lost her mom 3 days before mine. On September 15, we had my mom's service, and then I left to go to New Mexico to attend her mom's service on September 22nd.

My mom's health had been failing for some time. She moved in with me in November of last year due to fracturing a vertebra. Things went very well for us as roomies in spite of our ups and downs in years past. My brother helped me enlarge a room for her "suite" and we decorated it and bought new furniture. It turned out beautifully.

Her heart problems began to worsen in late June/July. She had 4 hospitalizations in 4 weeks, and the last time we were in the ER on July 18th, they recommended hospice. What a God send! I was having a hard time working and taking care of mom - even though I had 4 other siblings, it felt like I was an "only child." My mom and I even joked about that.

She stayed home with a work respite person (who was an angel) for 2 weeks before having another attack of flash pulmonary edema. At that point, we did go to the ER, but hospice ended up getting us into an inpatient facility. We thought she was gone that night, but a week later, she came home.

Mom was home for 3 weeks, weak but still very alert. She wasn't able to get in and out of bed by herself any more, and still wanted to be taken out to the patio (it seemed liked 100 times a day) for a smoke! At the time she came home from the hospice house, I went on family leave to care for her full time.

She had another flash edema on September 7th, but I was able to do the emergency plan of IV morphine, versed, lasix, etc. She made it through that, but still weaker. My brothers came that day and could tell I needed help. One brother sat through the night with her while I got some sleep.

The next day, September 8th, she woke up at 4 a.m. I gave her meds, and told her to go back to sleep. She wante to go to the patio. She was so weak, I gave her an unlit cigarette and let her sit there with it. We did the in/out to the patio about 10 times between 4 a.m. and 10 a.m. She promised to take a nap after her last "smoke" at about 10:15 a.m. We put her back to bed, and as soon as she was comfortable, I left her room to let my brother and his wife say goodbye. No sooner than I walked into the kitchen, my brother yelled that mom was not breathing. I grabbed the emergency meds and flew in there, but this was different. Not a flash edema but her heart had just stopped.

I walked into this house yesterday after being gone for almost two weeks to attend my rommmate's mom's funeral. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked around and around not knowing what to do with myself. My home used to feel like my haven, and once felt like a prison, and now.....it's so very empty.

My heart is broken, I miss my mom, I feel guilty for things that happened between us 30 years ago, I'm sorry I didn't know it was so close and wished I had a chance to do over - at least a thing or two.

I do know that my mom felt safe and loved here. She was sweeter than she'd ever been and more affectionate. It was a very healing time for us. It's just so painful without her. I'm raw and emotional and going back to work tomorrow.

Many things I've read on this forum have been helpful. I feel for those of you who are experiencing grief - it's a huge monster right now. Maybe work and a routine will bring some relief.

Thanks for listening - I'm sure Ill be back.

Carey

[MartyT]

Carey, dear, please accept our deepest sympathy for the death of your beloved mother, and know that you are always welcome here. As you find your way around our forums and read so many of the messages posted here, you will discover that you are not alone in what you are feeling ~ especially all that guilt ~ and you will need a safe place where you can process all of your reactions to this significant loss. Although the routine of work awaits you on Monday morning, may it bring you some small measure of comfort to know that we'll be waiting here for you whenever your work day is done, offering whatever support we can.

[shell]

Carey,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is so hard, and so lonely and empty, without them. And we all feel guilt about all sorts of things, so you're not alone in that. I think that most of us (probably all of us) who took care of our parent, or any loved one, did a good job and have nothing to feel guilty about, but I guess it's just human nature to pick at every little thing that we think we did wrong. We just have to let ourselves off the hook and know that we shouldn't feel guilty. Easier said than done sometimes! Good luck with work today. I know it's going to be hard. Let us know how it went.

Hugs to you,

Shell