Anger? You Bet !

[Only Child]

I've read and heard about family members who become angry with the deceased - just for leaving. But my anger isn't that. I've been off the wall emotionally, of late. At the beginning, I was fine after Mom passed away.

But her funeral was messed up, and now I'm realizing that while I miss my Mother dreadfully, my grief is lack of closure. I was forced to leave her behind, without the requested gravesite service. Mom wasn't buried until three hours later - alone - with no family member around - and I don't know even how reverently it was done.

Everyone involved is blaming someone else but I'm thinking the cemetery is at fault...Some of my friends are saying the funeral director should have had a handle on everything but I'm hearing too many different remarks from the cemetery. Plain and simple, the grave wasn't ready despite four days' notice. But they got Cashier's Check - required - up front. They're blaming vault company but I'm getting worse and understanding that "lack of closure" expression more now. I'd be mourning my Mom, missing her - but this is a different feeling. The anger is constant, and I'm driving everyone around me nuts. But I should never have left my Mom without seeing her at the grave. She wouldn't have left me, that's for sure. And I can never have a "redo". Everyday, it kills me a little. She's the only one buried in the family grave who didn't have some family member there at the grave.

And I can't do a thing about it - while fighting to at least get the money back from cemetery. It's like paying for a Mercedes, getting a Chevy - and not being allowed to drive it away.

Angry and Emotionally Destroyed

[karenb]

Well, Only Child, first I am very sorry about your Mom and I know your grieving won't be easy. You know, at a time when a person just needs a little peace and something like what you're going through happens, it's not understandable at all. But it seems at these sad, sad times people act strangely a lot of the time and things happen that just shouldn't happen in a "perfect" world. I don't know how long it's been for you, but I hope you can try and surround yourself with those who loved your Mom and will be a support for you. I don't know the circumstances, but it does seem like the funeral home should have had everything done to flow smoothly. We certainly pay for it, right? Try and hang in there. There are a lot of wonderful and caring people on this site so come back, and along the way, you may find words you see here will help. Take care.

Your friend, Karen

[MartyT]

You are not alone, dear Child. Anger is one of the most common reactions in grief. For example, if you type the words "so angry" into this site's search engine (In the Enter words to search box, at the top of the main page) you'll come up with four pages of topics related to the issue of anger! See, for example, the messages posted here:

So Angry, at everyone, at everything

[Maylissa]

No, you certainly aren't alone, as Marty said! Like you, I've not once yet been angry at any of my loved ones for dying on me, but I've still suffered a lot of anger and rage at other people, events, my Creator, things I saw as injustices, you name it!

Similarly to you, there was a whole heap of trouble with every last thing surrounding my Mother's death and there was no real 'closure' for me, either, as my Mother barely even got cremated (my since deceased brother had to battle with my demented father to get this accomplished) and later on my only remaining brother (now estranged, for the 2nd time in my life) ended up with her ashes....which he promptly stuck in one of his closets, along with both our Aunt's and Uncle's ashes, too! I will likely never know if any of them ever get a proper 'resting' place. The constant and unrelenting rage I had to go through was sheer torture, when I was least prepared to deal with it all...even though, in my family of origin, anger was a given, every single day of every single year, from somebody. I ranted and raved to anybody who would listen. I hired a lawyer who gladly took wads of our money yet produced less in tangible, useful results than I myself came up with for less than $50. So yes, you're in good company! In the end (so far....it ain't really over until my father and brother are gone, too ), it all simply dissipated when our feline daughter became more ill and I just tossed it to the winds because my priorities had rapidly changed. I have to admit...that was really freeing!

But here I am now, still having suffered lots of NEW anger over other injustices stemming from our fur-girl's death 13 months ago. In fact, I'm heading over to the Pet Loss section again now...to vent about the latest and greatest event that got me going all over again this afternoon! So for me, writing about it helps, as long as someone's 'out there' to listen and share back. And also, when I'm able, to make jokes about it.....sarcastic and sometimes nasty jokes, but jokes all the same! It's become almost laughable in and of itself, how the nonsense never, ever ends, and frankly, gets worse and worse in some ways with every death I have to go through. I'm hoping one fine day I'll just be able somehow to almost always laugh it off, but that's probably just pie-in-the-sky dreaming....

So know for certain....you're not alone!

[shell]

Only child,

I know what you feel, only in my case it's the hospital my mom was in and our family doctor that my anger is directed at. I won't go into all the details, but I feel they are to blame for my moms death and it is so frustrating. I don't balme you a bit, it sounds like they were totally to blame for everything falling apart. You should take them to small claims court or something. I am so sick of "businesses" getting away with mistakes and never having to pay for it! Hope you get some kind of resolution over this.

Hugs,

Shell