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More Insensitivity!


Maylissa

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Maylissa:

Suzanne is right when she says don't give up, because the person you snub might be "the one." Besides, we know we did the right thing,and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather do the right thing and feel the fool than behave in like manner and feel ashamed.

It was really hard for me to come to terms with the way a lot of people are. I was like you and it frustrated me to no end. When my first husband died only one person came by with flowers, all the rest ignored it not even a card. By the rest I mean our store was in a small center for 9 years with these same people, some John had even repaired their office machines for them. Thinking about it hurt until I stopped and realized these people were always snotty or dense. Yet neighbors I did not know surrounded me and wanted to help. (He died at home with me).John and I did everything together with no help for our 27 years. Same for our birthdays, etc. I felt cheated because we were helpful and friendly. After many years of feeling bitter I "got it" after John died. That same year my elderly dad and mom had issues I also had to deal with. I had the business to run. I gained a new perspective on things.

I suddenly felt everything melting away. The depth of dealing with death so personally gave me a new understanding about life. I realized I would never be part of a crowd because my life has been so different and like you I have always seen things very clearly and straight to the point. No clutter, no screens, no fog.

It IS lonely and it still amazes me but it doesn't HURT me anymore when people behave the way they do because I have realized that is who THEY are.

They are screened off even with each other at times. Nothing I do will make some people get it because they just don't have the capacity or life experiences to. I'm not the only one they behave this way to. It really isn't anything personal. When I backed off and took the personal out of the equation I could see more clearly it wasn't just ME. This is who they are. I realized I may feel bad but why need them so much? Let them need me for a change. Backing off has done wonders for me. In social settings I am still friendly but if someone wants my friendship I let them make the first move. Even at hospice meetings after I tell about myself, being completely alone, no one offers me a phone number, or wants mine though they express amazement how I carry on and say how bad they feel for me. Yet those who are in very similar stages will stand there and exchange numbers with each other and socialize in front of me. They have big families and friends. They are louder people than me. I am just not seen as their type, even though we are all supposed to be" compatriots "in our similiar grief. This is superficial (phony?)compassion . It hurts everytime.

If you didn't get your furbabies you would never have experienced what you had with them. By not getting other "kids" or involved in something you always wanted to do you are denying yourself some possible happiness. I don't think the thought of not having had them to enrich your life and comfort you is one you would want to have. Why deny yourself these things now? One has to let go when what one is keeping is hurting oneself. The same thoughts become a habit, hard to break.

My second husband died last year. I have no family left, no husbands.

I know what you want. It is something all people want and need. We are social animals.

But sometimes you have to put yourself out there and "float"- see what you attract, while accepting what you have now. In my new circumstances I have found new, different people. And while because of age differences, etc. we are not personal friends, I have very pleasant company now at my clubs. I can come home refreshed and happy. ( and of course greeted by my dogs and birds). I am lucky or blessed because when I tried this years ago the people available were characters and unpleasant. I like to think that since I had a special husband in my life I didn't really need others for support. But now that I'm so alone I am getting it by the grace of G-d.

A short story to a long reply: I wrote this to someone on this site. I paraphrase:

A rabbi is walking down the road. Samuel runs up to him.

Rabbi:" How is everything going, Samuel?"

"Terrible. My field won't grow , my cow died and I don't feel good.

If things were better it couldn't hurt."

Rabbi: " How do you know?"

Let some of it go. It isn't worth it. Float and let things find you. They will if they are meant to. Your friend, Doublejo

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Maylissa, dear ~

In the process of doing some other work online today, I came across this article. The points this author makes in Historical Perspectives on Infant-Child Death are fascinating. I see so many parallels here, with the evolution of our culture's understanding and appreciation of the human-animal bond. I thought of you immediately, Maylissa, and just wanted to share the article with you (and with anyone else who's interested)!

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Thanks, Marty. Yes, there are parallels. As Chief Seattle so wisely said, "What we do to the animals, we do to ourselves", or something like that, and this often also works in reverse, too....because we're all connected! However, what I've always found even more distressing, ever since I first learned about it well over a decade ago, is that the animal protection/welfare movements PREDATED the ones aimed at children (see a very brief description at How American Humane Began). And yet, today, children's welfare as well as rights are far and away ahead of those of animals, as still is the recognition of animal guardians' grief. Anyone who cares about children OUGHT TO realize the huge debt of gratitude we owe to animals and their causes as leading the way to child protection!

Even more ironic is the fact that this information isn't as well known as it should be. Just as with numerous other facets surrounding animals/animal treatment/grief over animals, these are historical FACTS that have been deliberately buried and kept from common public knowledge. So if you ask me, we're terribly behind AND backwards when it comes to acknowledging animal loss and its effects.....because by chronological rights, it should have come about even before the recognition of child loss grief.

So I remain flabbergasted, outraged and kerfuffled that this concept is so hard to understand by so many. Animals have given us SO much to be grateful for, yet they are still treated like garbage, as are their human parents or anyone who stands up for their rights and welfare in this world. :angry::angry:

I recall one man we know who was dismayed to discover we loved our furgirl as much as we did, but not just because she had fur, but because he'd never wanted human children, either, so at least he was being EQUAL in his dismay (as he'd thought my H and I were totally unattached to anyone but each other). So while it was just as dismaying to us to learn of his insensitivity towards this, and we no longer wish to associate with him (too bad, cuz we both like his wife much better!), at least he was being consistent and not playing species favourites.

As for the article you provided, I do remember when I first found out I'd had another brother before me, and my Mother's voice became very low, slow and deliberate as she told me about him. So it was obvious to me that this was a verboten subject in her generation. Only in later years was I to also learn that this child was likely not stillborn, but aborted, and not by her choice....so the pain she likely always carried was never given a voice, either. Humans can be such PUTZES in their bid to deny, ignore, and cover up things that clearly need looking at! I feel like I was born way too early on earth for my own good. :unsure:

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Dear Maylissa,

I just recently joined this forum because of the loss of my lab Ryker. I do understand what your feeling. My niece who I am the closest with, to this day has never said she is sorry to me. She and her children have stayed at my house ,with her children enjoying every minute with my beautiful boy. She knew he was my "child". Yet as I sobbed on the phone with my news, I heard silence in return. Just this past week she ask me "where is it"? I had to ask what she was she was referring to. It broke my heart when she said "the dog". I calmly told her I had his ashes on my desk.Once again I heard silence. I can't even bring myself to deal with her except for the fact that I love her children dearly.(Her 2 older children told me how sorry they were) I sought out this forum to help me deal with my grief because I am having an extraordinarily hard time getting over his passing. It's been months, and I've come across only a few really insensitive people. They can be hurtful to say the least. Try to focus your energy with those that do understand. It's alot easier.

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Ryker's mom,

I'm very sorry you, too, have lost a loved one...your dear Ryker. I read your other post but haven't been around much again, suddenly, as things keep piling up for me to do in terms of my own grief, so I've not had the time to respond to everyone lately. I'm just too overwhelmed suddenly.

But regarding your story, in a nutshell....that royally BITES. "Where is it???????!!!!!!!.....the DOG!!!!!!!" 'Nuf said! Hopefully, you can instill in her children a more spiritual understanding that they can carry with them, for the benefit of all, despite their mother's shallow belief system!

I'm trying my best to just disallow, put out of mind, not think about, disregard, and otherwise rather 'abolish' from my mind people who upset me so. However, I won't stop fighting for the animals (or us), or for the recognition I think they so richly deserve, and here's one example.

Awhile back, I emailed a local newspaper columnist who's a psychologist, told her a little about how people's disenfranchization of my loss had hurt me, and asked if she'd ever thought of writing a column on animal companion loss. Well, she was grateful for the idea and did write one, which appeared in our local paper just recently (not as good as Marty's pieces, by any means, but still pretty good). She's turned into a very lovely resource for me and has even suggested another new form of therapy (called SRT) which she's now utilizing for stress, grief and trauma, and which I'm likely going to use myself prior to a final few (3) in another treatment which I'd written about here (IADC therapy). But more to the point, it was a way for me to try and get this type of loss more recognition and respect, on a local level &/or wherever else her column is carried (a few places).....assuming anyone besides me reads her column, of course! :rolleyes: So I'm USING my anger and frustration, even if it's only in small ways, to effect real change over time, and I'm doing it MY way.....through my passion. After all my kids gave me, it's one of the least of things I can do to honour their lives and what they meant/mean to me.....and THAT feels better.

We also had a local election here this week and I made the time to ask 2 local contenders what their views on animal issues (both locally and wider) were. (again, via email....so easy!) Only one responded and barely understood my question, and the ridiculous answers he did give were really ill-educated, so he was 'out'. The other never bothered responding at all. Well, you know who else didn't get my vote. But at least I knew where they stood on this. These would be the LAST kinds of people who would ever take animal loss seriously. It took all of 5 minutes for this, but I let my 'bent' be heard and voted accordingly. THAT'S personal empowerment!

I would encourage EVERYONE who feels similarly to take such small steps themselves, because it's better than simply burying all this muck or simply leaving it at feeling "pity" for the ones who don't 'get' it. I still say, keeping it to ourselves in our own 'club' isn't enough to make anything happen. I'm tired of just putting up with it and I intend to do my part towards changing this nonsense, because that's ALL it is!

Edited by Maylissa
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Rykersmom: With my chihuahua on my lap supervising me as I type this, my step-cocker at my feet and the springer spaniel sleeping on the couch ( and the cockatiels singing in the kitchen) I am flabbergasted at the cruelty of your niece's remarks. Sounded like a snotty dig. After all, even if SHE isn't personally effected by his passing, she could be concerned how YOU feel. Even just for simple courtesys' sake. Something else is at work here. (resentment/jealousy?)

A beloved pet becomes part of the family, like an adopted child. It truly is very hard to say goodbye. When they live with us for a long time the empty spot is so noticeable. I am glad your nieces' children are not like their mom. So there's hope yet. I think one never really gets over losing someone special, but the pain mellows and softens. There ARE people who know what you are feeling, unfortunatley you haven't heard much from them yet.

My best- DoubleJo

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