walter/Erica Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 I woke up at around 1 am this morning with the alarm of my daughters car blaring, only to discover later, when she tried to leave for varsity,that potential thieves had attempted to steal her car...I felt so angry..where was Walter..he used to proect and take care of all this stuff, I felt angry and abandoned, dissapointed in God..Did my heavenly Father not know what i need..His protection at night, do I still have to ask for this.. Is He not going to fill the gaps that Walter left, or even just give me a bit of a break before more "unfortunate" things happen.I know that this is just how i am feeling now ..but it was so intense. I just pray that God will strenghten me and give me the courage to persevere on this journey that i never asked to be on, but grudgingly accept. Oh for Gods healing and peace.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Erica,I know at times like this you want to ask "What next?" just know that even though it seems like God has turned his back on you he really hasn't. Just keep praying and don't give up hope.It rains on the just and the unjust. We have to have bad times in order to really appreciate the good times.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 DerekWhen was the last time you felt really angry? Did you get my response to your note about Carson?Ex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 The last time I was really angry was about 2 weeks ago after I had found out something that Carson had done. It took me several hours to calm down. I know that is is easier said than done believe me. I went through the why me's and why is Karen not here to help me with this and so on and so forth. After all is said and done, all I could do is ask God for peace and direction and I did get a direction to take to try and take care of Carson. Yes I did get your response, I have tried talking to him at times but he just won't say much to me, I think he remembers me getting upset at the very first after Karen died. He doesn't want to see me cry so I think he avoids talking about his real feelings. I have talked to him on numourous occassions and told him it is okay to talk to me about anything even it it makes me sad.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 sorry Derek I saw the note, makes me feel bad...nothing really for me to get mad about, its only a car, you are dealing with a person. I pray God will undertake for Carson and you in a wonderful way as only He can. God is all we have..isnt it, He is the only one who can help us out of this mess ex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Erica,There is nothing to apoligize for. We are in stressful times. We have lost the one that was always there for us. They are usually the one that compliments us. What we didn't do well they were able to and what they didn't do well we were able to. Now we are having to try and do both and it is very difficult. I get mad at the simpilest things, the diswasher flooded the kitchen floor the other night, granted it was on tile floor and didn't make it to the carpet but still it is very easy to get upset at things like that. I can remember when someone hit my truck with a fire extinguisher, I found it the next morning with a big scratch on the hood. I was pretty angry. I look back now and think, ok it was only metal and paint, but at the time I couldn't see straight enought to realize that. I can guarutee that there will be another time where I am the same way. Latley when I get mad, I stay mad for a little and then I go into depression back into anger and so on. I sat in my bosses office the other week fuming and then the next minute almost crying (not only is he my boss, but a very good friend)sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am nuts. Anyway, we spend good money for our vehicles for someone to come along and try and take it away from us, they should know better, don't they know what we have been through? Unfortunately they don't and we are the ones that have to deal with it. And we deal with it by taking it one day at a time and turning it over to God. Love alwaysDerekPS. I hope I didn't go to far into left field. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 DerekYou have reminded me of a similar experience that i was angry at my boss( within reason I still want to think 1) Anyway it was a bit out of charachter, the way I responded..I applied to attend a conference in San Diego, and She felt that the cost was too much. I then responded with a long e mail commenting on the reasons why I felt that I should have gone. I requested that She not respond to my note, she didnt, and thank God, I dont perceive any ill feelings..she probably knows where I am at.. she has been a help . Get a bit irritated/annoyed with my parents who live with me. They are wonderfully supportive, andf I love them dearly, however at times I feel overprotected and closed in. My prayer is that God will spare them for more years as I know that I am neglecting them because of my grief..and feel guilty, although I know they understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I can relate to what both of you are saying. I feel I overreact to thing I used to be able to take in stride. My boss has (felt to me anyway) been picking on me lately, and I don't even want to know why cuz I can't take anything more. I try my best, I do a good job, I know he's under stress, but it's hard for me to deal with, so am I. I miss my old job, my old boss, my old "employees family". They were there for me when George died, these ones don't understand, they're young and have no clue what it's like. They think, "Well it's been a couple of years, you should be over it by now." For the most part, I am, yet the aftermath is still there, the ways in which it's affect me will continue to last.Every once in a while when I feel overwhelmed, it upsets me too that I am left alone to deal with things, it's hard sometimes. I know I'm going to feel like that in the winter, commuting, shoveling snow, getting wood in, building fires, etc. I'm tired. It'd be nice to "go home", wouldn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 YES, YES, Kayc Go Home..thats what I often think, but I have my 2 children that I need to still take care of , and whom I cannot put through another death of a parent. However I have often said to the Lord that If I could safely take Jody and Jill with me, Id want to go home RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not entirely confident of Jill and Jodys salvation, I pray for that each day, and believe that God will answer prayer ..sometomes I wish the rapture would happen. I am now earnestly praying that part of the Lords prayer which says "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" Also " even so Lord Jesus come quickly"Yes its a tough call. I am only 47 yrs old now and cannot imagine the future...Love, Erica Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2007 Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 I turn 55 on Sunday...I feel so tired, I can't imagine making it until I can retire, I have another 12 years to go in this ratrace, commuting 100 miles+ per day through snow, sleet, wind, you name it. It's not so bad in the summer, but it's dark all the time now when I'm off work.Yes, I guess the safest way to pray is "Thy will be done"...I wouldn't begin to know how to do God's job or make a judgment call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 I am 40, so many times I asked God to take me in the past, deep within I did not want my wife to be alone, now I wish so hard that I will have a short life since my purpose here is unknown, where is GOD?? I am angry, my father whom I dislike, had a heart valve replaced, abuses me verbally and mentally - STILL, and he lives on while my wife who was everything to me and a friend to many dies way too soon, and my father, well I was hoping he would change his behavior, eats bad, doesn't have a care in the world, gets a second chance? I hope this isn't taken out of context, but I am angry at the God I gave my life to 18 years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Stallyn, I had a similar thought about an older aunt who also had colon cancer and is now cured whilst wALTER, AND ANOTHER FRIEND DIED IN THEIR FORTIES AND FIFTIES RESPECTIVELY. But in spite of my intense feelings, I choose to believe that God is sovereign, and for now I cannot see the bigger picture, but I will have to trust, I pray for strtength and courage for each of one us, and that God will give us a braekthrough, so that we are not entirely destroyed by this past bad week(s). I know that we wont always feel like this, heres to a better week, God go with each one of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 (edited) William, if you look back on a previous post of mine I said something very simular. Steve's younger brother Alan is a poor excuse for a human being yet he is still here and Steve isn't. His brother has never held a job more than a short period of time in his life, is on drugs, abuses alcohol has been in and out of prison since his teens, not a tooth in his mouth, has threatened our families lives for money many many times, lives under the Golden Gate Bridge, has burned houses down when he was told he would be evicted for non payment of rent and is just all around scum, smokes like 3 packs a day and has TB and already had 1 lung removed. My husband never took drugs, never abused alcohol and was the sweetest most caring person I have known in my entire life. Why would God take my husband who had so much to look forward to in his future with retirement, finally having an addition put on our house, seeing his other daughter get married and seeing Grandchildren being born and a wife who loved him so so much ? Why would God take him instead of someone like Alan? Actually maybe I do know when it comes to his brother, they say you can't kill the devil !Wendy P.S. I can't tell you guys also how often I prayed that I would just die too so I could be with Steve and be happy again, cause it is so painful being left behind so I understand what you are saying ! Edited October 8, 2007 by WendyJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 The other way to possibly look at it is this, God is giving that person a chance to come to Christ, so the ones who haven't been living a Godly life live longer. Now what does that say about us? I believe that even though we have lived a Godly life, some of us have to remain in order how to show someone else and possibly lead them to Christ. We have become stronger people because of the death. We are an example that even though bad things have happened to us we are still living on this Earth and continuing to live and have faith. For myself, my connection with God is greater, I think I have a stronger faith. Don't get me wrong, at the begining I thought God had left me and didn't care anymore. I know now that I have a job to do, and that is to not only survive this death but to start living again, and through my actions if one person comes to know Christ through the example I live then Karen's death was not in vain. I hope this doesn't offend someone, but it is something I feel very strongly about. Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 William,I so understand how you feel. My mom is extremely demented and is horrible and judgmental of everyone, yet she lives on, 85 and still going, while my husband who was so sweet and caring died at 51...and my sweet little cat, Chappy, died just a couple of months ago, I do not understand why, he was still young and so loving, I needed him, why did he have to die? You are right, it is all so unfair.As Derek said, sometimes there is a reason we don't see, but I still don't see a reason for God taking my cat...I just have to accept what is even though I don't understand it, and hope I can be with my little Chappy again. It's hard, it's hard to lose a husband, but then to lose your pets on top of it, it makes you feel like, can't He just leave me SOMETHING? I do understand your anger, but I don't feel it does any good to ask the questions, but only to accept what you can't change. And try to accept whatever good might come our way...for however long it lasts.Take care, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Kayc,I wish I had an answer for you on the cat, but I just don't know.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 A very scary part of this journey is that when I feel the intense grief, it seems God is so far away, I feel so abandoned and desterted by Him..it is then that I tend to get angry, and question His sovereignity. but my hope and desire like, you guys are that My faith and trsut in God will be strengthened from day to day. That God will help me to accept His will even in the death of my precious husband and that i too can help someone to the Lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Erica, A while back I posted about a poem called "Footprints In The Sand" (I know Marty will link this soon.) But that poem says it all. When we think that God is not walking beside us, it is then that he is carrying us. Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Derek,I do not know what you mean about living a godly life but my husband never went to church and believed that if he did lightning was going to strike him. ( I swear he did ) I do believe in God and I do pray when the need arises but I do not go to church as I have chosen not to which I explained my experiences in previous posts. So I do not believe my husband died before his horrible brother because of that reason. I still believe in Billy Joels song though "Only the Good Die Young" because they didn't come and better than my husband.Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Friends, I do remember most of your posts about the subject, I had my last straw with him several days ago, just can't take it anymore, thinking about getting therapy for it, I even bought a bike as it was a passion of mine for 22 years, and maybe just maybe I will feel better about myself again. I became a Christian in 1989, some time after, I lost my job, became semi homeless, broke and it was the precedent of my ongoing battle with depression, I went to church, prayed daily, cleaned up my life, seen many supernatural things. I know God doesn't favor anyone, but it seems the devil does not die or relent, probably has too much freedom anyways. you know the anguish, frustration, confusion of why God does the things he does, though I am very angry and had bad thoughts of doing things I never ever done in my life to get back at him, somehow I cannot successfully do such things as "something" holds me back, Indeed the good die young and the wicked live 90 years! Am I evil or wicked to be still alive? I didn't choose to be born to this kind of life, and cannot take it either. At the end of the day is silence, no love felt close to myself, just numbness, still thinking my Myrna is coming to save me from myself. I love you guys, I know that, and hope shimmers here with your compassion, love, empathy and wisdom. My apologies for a long post With love, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Well like I said earlier, some of us remain for a reason. God knows what that reason is. Maybe it is to be an example for someone, maybe to be there for our grand kids. The list can go on. If all of the good died yound there would be nothing but evil left on this Earth to raise our kids. When you accept Christ, the devil ssteps up his attacks on you to try and get you to turn away from God.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 William,Before I forget did you take your meds today? Don't apologize for long posts, somethings take longer to say than others. I do not believe that God takes our loved ones, I believe it is the devil. He has free reign here on Earth. None of us chose the life we are living. I believe that God does have a plan for us and maybe he put us all together here on this site because he knew we could draw strength from each other and help each other get through this horrible time in our lives.Hugs & prayers,Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 It is because of the devil that we have to die, however the devil can do a lot to us except take our lives. In the begining of the book of Job, God says: 12 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD. Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Derek,Thank you for reminding me of that! Jimmy and I became Christians in the early 80's and I knew the Bible very well. When he died, I turned away from the Lord and am just finding Him again and trying to relearn everything that I lost. I actually lost a lot of my memory when he died, I don't know if it was the pain or the alcohol. I use the concordance in the back of the Bible to find the verses I am looking for. If you know one word in a verse you look for it and you can usually find the verse you are looking for. Hugs & prayers,Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Corinne,I posted on another post a link to a web site that allows you to search the Bible by word or phrase, which has helped me a lot. I was the same way at first, I turned to alcohol as well, but I know that God was still taking care of me.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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