Dusky Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Hello all my web site friends,Sometimes you believe – or perhaps you hope - that as time passes form the date your loved one died - or became ill - that somehow you will not remember with as much pain as when it first occurred. I can remember thinking when the anniversary of my first year without Jack rolled around that the second would find me counting less the anniversaries and missed holidays without him. That has never been the case and now I find myself marking the third holidays and special times without him.I write to you all today because this is one of “those dates” for me. It was three years ago, today, that Jack and I found out early on that Saturday morning that he had a “mass on the right side of his brain”. By late after noon Dr. Fredrick Marciano was the messenger who delivered a life altering message to Jack and I. Dr. Marciano is the same famous Doctor who just 4 years ago had operated on Jessica Lynch, the female US Army soldier who had been captured by Iraqi troops and then freed by US soldiers. He had miraculously put her leg back together and helped save her life. The news was not so good for Jack and I when we met this famous Doctor on the afternoon of October 2nd 2004 as he greeted us with little introduction and a blunt and morbid statement “you have a GBM level 4 brain tumor - you will live 6-8 weeks without surgery - and 12-18 months with surgery.” That is the kind of news that divides your life in two separate segments. From that moment forward, everything was measured as before and after that point in time – and it still is for me.It has now been three years since this event – this diagnosis - which divided time for Jack and I and 10 months later led to his death. I have done remarkable well in trying to find something positive to glean from this terrible event, which was ushered into our lives three years ago today. However, after all this time I still stop to reflect and mark the moment that changed our lives forever. I can’t imagine ever not stopping to recognize the moment that changed life entirely.I was recently reminded how much life has changed for me – and I’m sure has change for each of you since the loss of your mate – when I watch the current movie entitled “The Brave One” with Jodi Foster. In this movie, she has lost her lover and future husband in a violent street attack, which also nearly kills her. The story is about her becoming a vigilantly because of her loss. There was one line in the move (which I will paraphrase here for you here) which exemplifies what grief does to you when you lose the one you love so deeply. She said at one point in this movie “I miss what I was with him – and all that’s left is this stranger to go on”.I know I have made a great deal of progress since that October day three years ago when my life was divided in two - and Jack’s was destined to end with that same news. I know too that each of you struggles daily with how difficult it is to lose your true love. I come on this site and read daily – but don’t always respond – but I see, hear and feel all the pain in each word that each of you has written since I joined this site nearly two years ago. I have seen so much progress in so many of you as well as myself along the way. I am so very proud of each one of you. Yet – when certain dates and times arrive – such as this date and this moment - I cannot help but stop and remember what was and how life changed.Pardon me - for just a moment – to stop and recollect - how much I miss what I was with him and to remember the stranger that was left to go on.Thank you for listening – you have all helped “this stranger” go on.John – Dusky is my handle on hereLove you Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky,You have come so far. As I read your post I remembered my first post and the reply that I got from you. You were the first to greet me here and you helped me get through the rough time I was having. I am getting ready to go through what I call the terrible 2's (and we just thought that refered to children) The second set of holidays without Karen. It will be a ear and a half on the 6th of this month and I wonder where the time has gone, and yet it seems like an enternity. Like you, this stranger is slowly moving on taking one day at a time. I don't think it gets said here enough, Thank you for the help that you have provided.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky"Stranger to go on" is a perfect phrase for what we are all going through. Thanks for sharing. I know it was a very painful day for you.Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky thank you for your words today As you know I live in greece and Im so sorry that my english is poor so I cant expres my feelings but as you do I read every day the pain that all of you go through .Strager to go on Ifeel loosing Yiany the one and only love of my life. Keep posting your words are so full of emotion. TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky,Thank you for your postings. You have such a way with words. Your words and poems are so flowing and I feel like when I read them you are expressing some of the feelings I cannot. Thank you and please keep continuing to post your beautiful expressions of love and sorrow!Hugs & prayers,Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 John (Dusky),You have made great strides since that day and you have been instrumental in aiding in our healing. Yes these dates continue assail us and we reflect....try to reflect on the good memories and let the thoughts of those haunting sledgehammer days pass. You and Jack have much good to reminisce on, that is more than many couple who are still alive and together have today. I wish you well this day, my friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Hi Dusky,It's hard to go through days that hold those special memories. I hope this day gives you some peace and wonderful memories. It is so hard to think that this special person can't be here and life could go on happily. I miss my Jack very much, too, but I continue to walk through this world, one foot in front of the other, because I have to, just like you. Hang in there today. We care about you.Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deonna Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky:You move me to tears. Such a way with words. I always love reading your comments and posts. I was reflecting on the loss of my dad today, before coming across your post. Who I was back then, what I was doing, what was important to me, and all that is left of me today. He will be gone 2 years this October 28th. God bless you and your beloved Jack. Much Love, Deonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 Dusky,you were on this site when I came here trying to find my way and you've always given me hope. The love that you shared with Jack is very much alive and I am thinking of you on this special day.I also wanted to tell you thank you for your postings because it gives me a chance to feel normal. I will be coming shortly to the two year anniversary of Larry's death and people around me continue to try to push me along and don't understand still, this grief journey, they can't. Because of you sharing that you are feeling this way at three years, lets us know its okay to be where we are in our own way and at our own pace. I thank you. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 John, dear ~We all miss who we were (or who we thought we were) when our loved ones were alive. And I know it feels as if we are strangers to ourselves as we struggle to go on, in an even stranger world that is missing the physical presence of our beloved. But here in this safe and caring place, you have never been a stranger to us, and I want you to know that we’re all so very grateful for that . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 4, 2007 Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 She said at one point in this movie “I miss what I was with him – and all that’s left is this stranger to go on”.John I broke into tears when I read this as this is exactly how I feel. I am 49 now and I had been with Steve since I was 15 yrs old. I am a stranger to myself as I only knew "WE" and "US" as we came as a package, never alone and never without eachother and now it is just "ME" and I do not know who I am.Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 4, 2007 Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 Wendy You said how I feel. You and I are the same age I just turned 49 the end of July and Bruce and I have been together since I was 17. He is gone now 8 1/2 months. So like you it soo hard to think ofthe rest of my life as ME not US. Life is so unfair. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missingcharlie Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 John - I, too, am going through the "pre" periods...Last month on the 27th was three years from the day we found out Charlie had cancer. He was admitted then for tests and was released on Oct. 5th with his oxygen machine. The next timeframe will be October 22 when I put him back into the hospital and then the DREADED DAY of November 16th...3 years from the day I lost the one I loved more than anything. It still seems crazy that it's been almost 3 years ago. Things have changed SO MUCH since then and definately not for the better. Life has been such a struggle, but as we all know...we have to carry on and get through it the best we can.I, too, am so glad that I have had the change to "meet" all of you and communicate with all of you. It definately has made a huge difference in my life - thank you all for all your kind and compassionate words!!I hope everyone has the best day possible. Just keep moving forward!Hugs to all of you!!!Patti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 7, 2007 Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 John, I found your post encouraging and honest, you been a friend to me and I am grateful for that, I remember on my birthday that Myrna had cancer, and there was no more hope, I felt completely numb ever since. Is difficult to move to each day but when I come here I don't feel so alone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted October 7, 2007 Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 You are never alone....Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 7, 2007 Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Gail I guess we are both tired already of saying I instead of we. You know another thing that bothers me is I feel that even though Steve is no longer alive that he is still my husband and nobody can take that away from me. I was watching a show the other day and two people were getting married and repeating their vows and they said " Till Death do us part", and I lost it. I took a vow that said that Steve was my husband and that I would be married to him till he died, and since he did die that means I am no longer married and he is no longer my husband, and that hurts me alot. As I am typing this I am looking down at my wedding rings and realizing that I am no longer married. Why is life so unfair?Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted October 7, 2007 Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Dusky I am thinking of you. i have been away all week on jury duty and just now have the time to read. I also love to read what you write b/c you write so well. You really express yourself. i have a hard time doing that. i want you to know that you are in my prayers . You are never a stranger to all of us here. My God Bless You and Keep You in the palm of His hand. Lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 7, 2007 Report Share Posted October 7, 2007 Oh Thank You Lori, you are too sweet. I was wondering where you were, are you done with Jury Duty now? What a beautiful day we are having here in Jersey. Besides being in court all week how are you doing?Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 Wendy,Those vows "Until death do us part" are only for legal purposes...it is the contract in the heart that counts...if a person still feels married, so they are. No one, not the social security office or anyone else can take thatfrom you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 You know Kay, one part of me wants to believe in my heart that I am still married to him and another part thinks how can I when he no longer exists? It is so unfair, wasn't this supposed to happen when we were old and grey, not younger and dying my grey?Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Wendy...that's so cute..."dyeing my grey." You have a cute sense of humor. I still feel married and, I guess, it's what you feel. That's what I feel and it feels good!!Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Karen,I am so so sad but I think if we don't keep just a little humur in our lives we will snap. I am glad you got alittle chuckle out of it, I was hoping for that.Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Wendy, it was cute what you said, I looked in the mirror and I got more grey than I ever had! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Me too William me too. I am so sad tonight and crying alot for my Steve. I really think this past week and a half with my Mom being ill kept my mind very busy, not that he wasn't a constant thought and now I feel like someone is kicking me in the heart now that I have slowed down. I guess tomorrow will be another day going to work with swollen puffy eyes. Gosh William I miss him so much !Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 9, 2007 Report Share Posted October 9, 2007 Wendy, you have alot on your plate too, I wish there was to way to rach to the heavens and tell them how much we miss them, our kind of sorrow is too much at times. Hope you feel better tonite, I know it squeezes alot of energy out of ya,Love,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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