My Gf

[mikel74]

Hello to anyone that is reading,

My name is Mike. I am 33 yrs old and I lost my 26 yr old gf in January to small bowel cancer. Saying I loved her more than life itself would be an understatement. I cant even begin to describe how much I loved her and still love her.

I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve and I thought for a while I was doing ok, I was kind of just going with the flow. But lately its been rough. I think about her constantly, I pretend that everything is ok around people because I dont want my issues being a burden on anyone else. Or people to think I am having a pity party.

She was on life support for the last month of her life, and each night I cant help but replay that entire month in my mind. I dont want to think about it, but its like I have no control over it. All it does is depress me, and I dont know what else to do.

I have read countless boards like these seeing what others that have felt or still feel the pain I do, are doing to help with the pain. But no matter what I read, nothing makes me feel better because all I want is for her to be with me. I go to the cemetary and lie next to her grave because its the closest I can be to her.

I know I am not the only one to lose someone, And its so confusing to know that and still feel like you are all alone.

[WendyJ]

Mike I am so sorry for your loss and believe me you are not alone by any means. Please if you see alittle joking around here it is not because we don't miss our loved ones too, sometimes it helps to just take alittle break from our grieving. I am 49 and my husbnad was 51, and you know I was not doing too bad today until I started wring this and now the tears are flowing. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 18, so you see we were together over 30 years ! He was my whole world, we did everything together and had a wonderfully close relationship, had 2 beautiful daughters and one day he felt dizzy, had some kind of attack we took him to the hospital they couldn't find anything wrong. A few hours later he got up to go to the mens room, had another attack and then they worked on him for like a half an hour and then they told me he was gone ! No warning, no goodbyes, no growing old together, no both of us seeing our children have their children, now it is just me...and I hate it too. It is a horrible thing to happen to any of us, and it sucks ! Life just isn't fair sometimes and as I sit here writing this balling my eyes out I want to tell you to hang in there and stick with us, we are like one big family here, all hurting terribly and in need of some understanding, and companionship and a place where we can just vent our feelings and find out we are not alone in the way we feel. It is so nice to meet you but I am so sorry we had to meet like this.

Love,

Wendy

[mikel74]

Thank you Wendy, and I am so sorry for your loss as well. I know things happen for a reason, but its just like, what the heck is the reason for this, Im alone, I dont see the reason to go on. We didnt even start our lives together and its like Im supposed to go out there and find someone else? No one will ever make me feel the way she did. And if I cant have that feeling again whats the purpose??

[suzanne]

Mike

So sorry for your loss. You are not alone, at least on here. I am 55 and lost my beautiful husband in March. He was on life support as well and it was up to me to make the decision that I hoped I would never be called upon to make. Even though we had talked about it over the years and he had a living will. I often wonder if I made the right one. But I knew without a doubt what he wanted. To death do us part took on a real meaning that morning. We had been married for 22 years and together for 4 years prior to that. I still suffer major breakdowns but the friends on here have helped me get through this even on those days I thought I just can't make it. As Wendy stated, it is like one big family. We each share each others pain as well as the times we find a bright spot. I understand everything you are feeling. There are just no words to take the pain away. So sorry to meet you this way.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Gosh Mike I sure know what you mean, Steve and I had a life together as husband and wife and now I have been left to take care of all the bills and take care of the house etc all on my own. You have now idea how scarey that is for a woman. Some of the things we have talked about in prior posts are going from we or us to just me and also being left to find out just exactly who we are all by ourselves. Since a teenager I only knew who I was WITH Steve. Gosh for the first few months I used to pray daily that I would die too so that I could be with him again. I get in the car at night to come home from work and I get so depressed because I am going home to an empty house, nobody to talk to or tell all about my day to or to joke around with, that part of my life is gone forever ! And you know I think that is why I like to come on here and joke around alittle with everyone as that is a part of Steve I miss alot is his sense of humor and it helps to laugh alitte even though you are hurting so much inside But somehow we must go on and get through our days and we are all feeling the depression and gloom just like you. But you know just keep talking to us and we will try to help you, and you know maybe you will help us too !

Love,

Wendy

P.S. And nobody says you have to go out there and find someone else. You are not ready for that, but if it happens, that's great if it doesn't then it doesn't. I can't imagine anyone replacing Steve, but I am open to the possibility maybe some day it may happen.

Edited October 11, 2007 by WendyJ

[mikel74]

Thank you all for sharing your stories, I admire the strength and perseverance that you all showed me. The thing that scares me is I feel like I am going to be this way forever, always thinking about what we missed together, or what could have been. It hurts so bad... and nothing can make it better. I keep hearing about, as time goes on it will get easier, its not getting easier, Im just ignoring it.

I just want to see her again, touch her, kiss her, hug her, anything, to hear her. And to go the rest of my life knowing that will never happen is killing me inside.

[WendyJ]

What I wouldn't give for one of Steve's big bear hugs right now ! His hugs always made me feel safe and told me everything was going to be okay. Well now everything is not okay, I feel so alone, so scared and so vulnerable. Tonight I have one of those headaches that he would always give me a neck and shoulder massage and make them go away, not tonight...not ever again. I hurt too my friend, I always thought Steve and I would get old together and maybe have the pleasure of having more time together to do fun things and maybe having grandchildren etc. Mike we were the type that could complete eachothers sentences or knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word. You know they say Time Heals all Wounds, I say BS I will never heal from this, I may be able to bear the pain better though in time and that is what I am counting on and so should you.

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Mike

Time will make it better is just a myth for you right now as well as me. I hope for those days but like you I can't see that far in the future at this point. There are those here that from their experiences I know it will happen. There are better days ahead. It is just too soon for some of us I think. I hold on to that hope. Many have been on this journey longer and will lead you along the way.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Hi Mike....You are so young to be going through all this. As you can see, you are not alone. You know that everything you feel is just what you should be feeling....not good, huh! She was so young, my heart just goes out to you. There is a reason for all of this and maybe, as time goes on, you might figure some of it out....probably your whole life, like all of us. My husband died just over two years ago, and every step was a hard one....probably the hardest thing I've every done. I hope you have caring people around you, that's so important. Grieving people are such good people because we've all suffered the biggest shocks of our lives, and we are growing together in understanding and getting used to this life we didn't ask for. Just always hang in there, my friend. You know all the things you need to do....it just takes the strength to do them. Stay with us....we understand.

Your friend, Karen

[Corinne]

Hi Mike,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 11 years ago he had colon cancer and was almost gone when Christmas morning 1996 he took his life, I was 34. I did fall in love again, but my fiance had an alcohol problem and he died in February. I say this because it is very hard to lose a loved one but it is also possible to love again. Please keep coming back and posting, we do understand what you are going through and it really does help to talk about your feelings.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Mike,

You are not too much younger that I am. My wife died a year and a half ago and at the time I couldn't imagine going on either. As time goes on and you start to heal, you will start being able to view life again and start seeing a future. It just takes time. Welcome to the site and I look forward to hearing from you again. As you will find out, there aren't many guys that post reguarly so it is nice to have someone else, although I wish it were under better circumstances.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Mike. I too feel so for you. Believe me I know .....My husband died in March this year after 25 years of marriage, also as a result of small and large bowel cancer. I also felt that his death was premature. Our children are grown up, and we were starting to date like teenagers again, and then he was gone. And yes I can identify with the feeling that others want you to move on rather quickly...but for me its like I am stuck, and cannot move anywhere. Just hang in there . I have found it helpful to seek God ,theres no one else who can really help, and it si my prayer taht as I seek healing from God for myself, I pray teh same for you too!

take care Erica x

[teny]

HI MIKE Im so sorry that you are suffering a loss in such ayoung age.I live in greece so I think Im so far away but finding this place gave me alot of courage.AS Wendy said I knew who I was with Yiany.It hurts at any age .You dit not have a life together and no dreams come true.Im old enough to be your mother but grief has no age .I do hope you will in the future find happines again You do have future and life to live .I have to apologise for my poor english I have more tosay if I could expres myself beter. TENY

[teny]

What I wouldn't give for one of Steve's big bear hugs right now ! His hugs always made me feel safe and told me everything was going to be okay. Well now everything is not okay, I feel so alone, so scared and so vulnerable. Tonight I have one of those headaches that he would always give me a neck and shoulder massage and make them go away, not tonight...not ever again. I hurt too my friend, I always thought Steve and I would get old together and maybe have the pleasure of having more time together to do fun things and maybe having grandchildren etc. Mike we were the type that could complete eachothers sentences or knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word. You know they say Time Heals all Wounds, I say BS I will never heal from this, I may be able to bear the pain better though in time and that is what I am counting on and so should you.

Love,

Wendy

Wendy Ijust want you to know that reading your post could be my feelings as well I also feel alone scared and vulnerable. hugs from far away. TENY

[kayc]

Mike,

I am sorry you are having to experience this. We have all been through the same thing, and I must say it is the hardest thing in the world. Right now is one of the hardest stages for you because others have moved on with their lives while yours is stuck in grief and loss, and reality has set in. The adage "time heals" is true, but at this point in your grief journey, it doesn't seem possible. I won't say that you will ever be over her, it doesn't work that way, but you will ever so slowly begin to adjust to your new life in a way that it is not as intense a pain as it is right now. Hang in there. You do have a future ahead of you and some bright moments in it, you just can't see it right now. My husband had just turned 51 when he suddenly died...we'd only been together 6 1/2 years, married just 3 years and 8 months...and that, to my estimation, is way too short. A gal at work tells me her fiance died when they were just teenagers, it took her a couple of years before she could come out of the fog, and she still thinks about him, years later. It is hard to rebuild yur life and it takes time, but for now, just getting through the day is what you must concentrate on. One of the hardest things in the world for me has been to try to keep a positive focus, it's taken tremendous effort.

You have met a very caring site here. You are welcome to come back any time, it's important to express yourself and to realize you are not alone. There are other young people on here as well.