I Need You All

[teny]

Hi my friends It is almost ayear since YIANy died I only use the word died when I post .It is soo hard to believe.He comes to my dreams I try To hug him and he stands with no answers for me he does not put his arms around me even in my dreams.My friends and family think that Ishould be over it but for me it is getting harder especialy this time of the year that we spend our last days together in a hospital room Regrets quilt memories and my heart is copletely broken My children have their lives and I feel no reason to go on living and suffering.In the first few months I had hope tha it will get easier .Looking at myself now the stranger tha Iam Iknow its getting harder.Living so far away from all of you asking for support is like trying to get answer from heaven.THANK YOU TENY

[Theresa]

Dear Teny:

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I just joined this group 2 days ago and don't know your story, but sure can read your broken heart.

The first year of the death of your beloved is a really tough one. With your 1 year anniversary approaching, I hear your pain.

A big hug to you...

Theresa

[AnnieO]

Teny,

I know there aren't any words that I can say to take your pain away. I hope to help, just by telling you I am thinking about you. You are always in my prayers.

[lorikelly]

Teny

I am always praying for you and everyone here. i pray for your loved ones also. i hope that God will hold you in His hand and give you comfort. You are having such a hard time and you need Him now more then ever.

I know it is hard when people think you should be over it but they are not you. i try not to talk about it to people who don't understand. This is why this place is so wonderful b/c we are all here to help each other.

Keeping posting and tell us anything you need to say we are all here for you.

God Bless Lori

[Corinne]

Teny,

I too am here for you! You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Teny you say your children have their own lives but you need to remember that you are a part of their lives and your grandchildrens. Please try to draw on their love and support. I know that you have a grandson but I do not know if you have any more grandchildren. Hugs do wonders for strength, so find your children and grandchildren and hug away. I wish I was closer to you to give you a big hug. I will however keep you in my thoughts and prayers for strength and comfort during this difficult time.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[DesertBob]

Teny,

My two children have their own lives too, and we have drifted apart in recent years as I needed to put all my energy into caring for Linda. I could say they don't need me, and in a sense, sure, they are feeding themselves without my help, and I no longer have a parental obligation to them as such.

But I know better. I know that I have something to contribute to them, and vice versa. Even though I am a person who is very comfortable with quiet and solitude, and even though I am not starry-eyed fond of small children, I have been reaching out to them since Linda's death, gently, and they have responded. I'm flying to Chicago next month for a couple of days before an east coast business trip, to spend time with my daughter and two grandsons (3 & 5). I'm not doing it entirely for unselfish reasons, and on the other hand I have no illusions of perfect warm gatherings around the hearth, but I suspect it will be good on balance for all concerned.

Teny, I know you feel like less than half a person and probably feel like you are finished and have nothing to contribute; those are normal feelings in your situation. But I would encourage you to reach out to your children and love them. You'll receive love in return, and it will help to heal you, or at least will be a comfort to you.

Depending on the nature of your relationship with your husband you may not have actively cultivated friendships of your own, and this is also an opportunity to do that. I have coffee every morning with some friends. They are interested in having an enjoyable start to their day, not in being reminded of their mortality. So especially given that they are a bunch of guys, all I got from them (or expected) by way of support was a nice group sympathy card and the occasional "how are you doing" question. But it is amazing how much that helps, plus, doing something basically "normal" and unconnected with the grieving process is also a Good Thing. You need to grieve and work it out, but you need to live, too.

Hang in there, Teny, and you will find the shape of a new life ... not one entirely of your choosing but still useful and satisfying to yourself and others. It will happen. Don't be afraid to find what happiness you can. I think sometimes we resist or reject opportunities for happiness because we don't want to be happy without our beloved, we want to be happy WITH them. Your husband would not want you to do that on his account. Honor his love and concern for you by taking care of yourself in the ways he used to look after you. This is not a denial that you needed and appreciated him doing that for you; it's an affirmation that he is still with you in spirit and his love and validation for you as a person are still available to you.

The way I see it, I'm going to go through the motions of living for awhile before I feel very much like living. But if I never go through the motions I may never manage to get started, and the enthusiasm will never come back. Linda's greatest concern for me was that I would become bitter. I am not proud of that, but I do have that tendency. I am determined that this concern will be ill-founded. She gave me so much light and I won't let that light go out ... both out of respect for and gratitude to Linda, and for my own sake.

--Bob

[WendyJ]

Teny my friend,

Your feelings are like mine and from what I have been told very normal. I am hating my life without Steve as this is not how I planned it to be. Every aspect of my life has changed and I feel so scared and so alone too. Please stop thinking we are so far away from you and the rest of us are close, the United States is huge and we are all good close internet friends whether we live in New Jersey or California or Greece or South Africa. More than likely none of us will have the option of meeting regardless of where we live so we all value being able to turn on our computer and talk through typing. You speak very well on the computer as I have never had a hard time understanding you and I really wish you would post more and get in on more conversations, it has helped me alot and I know it will help you. We love you Teny and we are right here with you going through everything you are going through. What you feel, we feel too. We are also hurt, and scared and lonely and hate our lives at the moment. My 2 daughters also are older and have their own lives now and no longer need me, but you know if that is the case with my kids and your kids that means we did something right ! You need to force yourself to get out alittle more and talk to us alittle more and you'll see you will feel alittle better, okay?

Love,

Wendy

[waabzy]

Teny I understand your pain, your loneliness. Please hang in there. You are in my prayers. Stay strong!

[kayc]

Teny,

The year of "firsts without" is very difficult and you have survived some of the worst. Everyone's situation is different but in some ways my second year was harder as reality had set in and I had some other issues I had to come to terms with in acceptance of my husband, his life and his death. This year it is finally getting easier for me.

I would add an agreement to the suggestion that you try to forge some relationships and interests, it is difficult and takes effort but is worthwhile. I have the isolation problem too and know how that feels and would probably be doing better in this area if it were not for lack of time due to my long commute. I also know what it is to have grown children with lives of their own...I know I am important to them but it'd be easier if I had daily interaction rather than once every three weeks. My animals are a lifesaver and I don't know what I'd do without them. And least they're warm bodies/caring souls to interact with when I come home from work!

Please hang in there, I know you're tired of hearing that it will get better, but believe me, it should. The thing is, it won't ever be the same as it was "before", it does take time to build a new life for yourself, but eventually, we adjust to this "new life", at least to some degree. I wish you the best, Teny, I can hear your pain.

[rosanne]

Teny,

I lost my mother June 10th, and have been carrying for my invalid father and I will tell you it has not been easy... I don't really think I have taken the time to grieve like I should, because I do not want to cry around him, because of his health and everything. As a child talking about a parent- I pray to God to please, keep dad in my life and to not take him from us, we need him so very much! We are family and we love each other- I know he feels as you do, and I try so hard to make him see my brothers and I need him more than he will ever know as your children do! I really think that once I get over the next 2 to 3 years I would like to do some volunteer work, there is nothing like doing something for someone in need- you just get it back.

Please, take one step at a time....

We care for you!!!!

[Stallyn]

Teny,

I am living the same ways daily, I wish I could offer you some wisdom but 7 months for me and its difficult, its hard to see you suffer like this, its is in my perspective to live a "normal" life through all this pain and memories, just memories gosh, the standards which we measure our lives with is different and we are hard on ourselves at every opportunity. You are closer to us with the miracle of the internet, and such a blessing, Hugs to you

Love,

William

[teny]

DEAR FRIENDS. thank you all for answering .My doctor says I have to take some andidepressands I dont think that it is a help for my lost love.Reading your words of support make me feel that some far away friends d care and pray for me.I know your stories .I could not find any post of yours BOB YES my husband and I were very close full of love and as you say I have no friends HE was my best friendWE were together since I was 18 The one and only in my life.I always was scared of this moment of loossing him and uor life together .Fasing know the reality does only hurt sooo much.THANK YOU >TENY

[DesertBob]

Teny,

It's so tough, I know. But even for a life long love, it's a lot of responsibility for one person to be 110% everything to another. I can tell you from experience that it doesn't dilute having a soul-mate relationship to also have other friends. My Linda always knew she could go at any time and was always encouraging me to make and have friends. This allowed me to be somewhat established in the wider world and made it a little easier on me when she died.

This is where the "you and me against the world" thing sort of breaks down. It becomes your identity as a couple and then your personal support system is thin because you've avoided developing it. I would urge you to work on building that up.

None of that is to take away from the deep love you had or the beauty of that relationship, it actually recognizes how much it gave to you. Your husband would not want to see your needs for validation, love, friendship, etc. go totally unmet because you're carrying a torch for him. I submit that you can carry the torch but also reach out to others, just as you're doing here.

Hang in there, kid, we're rooting for you.

--Bob

BOB YES my husband and I were very close full of love and as you say I have no friends HE was my best friend WE were together since I was 18 The one and only in my life.

[WendyJ]

Teny,

You should take a poll on how many of us are on anti-depressants, I think you would be amazed !!! Hang in there kiddo, we are here for you !

Love,

Wendy

[LarrysGirl]

Teny, I, also take a antidepressant. Just give it a try. It doesn't take away the grief or longing for Yanni but it may give you more strength to handle your day to day life. Larry was my best friend and even though I did have other girlfriends and family, no one fills his place in my heart. We loved doing everything together, we enjoyed each others company. Today is 23 months. I can't believe I'm approaching the 2 year mark. I didn't think I would be alive to honor it actually. I still miss him Teny every moment, so I know how your heart is hurting. You've got a great group of people here listening to you share your feelings and we care for you. Thinking of you, Deborah

[Stallyn]

Teny,

I am bipolar so I take several types of meds, without it no doubtingly I would've been put away, Its very difficult with this kind of loss and if you think you need medication its a good choice, Its been 7 months for me now, and hard as ever, hard to fill the gap left open but if something helps you along the journey you know best for yourself.

With love,

William

[WendyJ]

Teny,

Where are you tonight, we have not heard from you ? I too have to take Effexor for my depression and have been on it since 2001. If you notice the date, you can imagine what it was from. In the month of September 2001 I lost my boss to Pancreatic Cancer, my Father in Law to Prostate Cancer and a cousin who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald in the World Trade Center on 9-11. That wasn't bad enough but a couple months later I decided to quit smoking as it was a promise I made to my boss on his death bed. I had a doctors appt soon after for a yearly physical and when he walked in he said " So...how's it going?" Well I went hysterical and next thing I know he's writing on my chart and saying to me "Well I know what you need." So then after Steve passed he also had to prescribe me the generic of Zanax to take when it is needed and it does take the edge off. They really do help yet they do not take the pain away completely so you still grieve as I know some people seem to think it just delays the grieving process, I say they just help you to keep your sanity to a certain extent. Drop us a line when you get a chance and let us know how you are doing?

Love,

Wendy

P.S. William, just took my meds...did you take yours?

[karenb]

Teny....For your continuing pain I am so sorry. We know how you feel and thank God you keep coming here to talk with your friends from "far away." I remember that one-year mark and couldn't believe I made it that far. But, you know, it will lessen. Teny, you have the biggest thing on your side and that's God's love. Even though you may not know it, He's there right along side of you or you wouldn't be here this long. I pray for all of us who have this pain we didn't ask for but it's still there. Please take care, Teny. You are a special person!

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Teny,

I hope hear you are doing ok tonite, been thinking of you, don't know what to say.

I took my meds and feel better for it,

I am praying for you Teny,

Love,

William

[teny]

HI MY FRIENDS.THANK YOU.KID KIDDO IT SOUNDS SO GOOD TENDER WORDS FROM MY FAR AWAY FRIENDS .I wish I GOULD EXPRES LIKE YOU BOB WENDY DEBORAH KAY ANNIE TERESA WILLIAM CORRINE.AS ABOUT ANTIDEPRESAANTS I GAVE IT ATRY AND I GOT SO NERVOUS IT WAS HELL.TOMOROW IM GOING TO AN OMIOPATH HOPING FOR SOME HELP.BOB YOUR WORDS GIVE ME ALOT TOTHNK ABOUT.YOU ARE YUNGER THEN ME BUT I THINK MORE OF LONELY EXPERIANCE.LOVE GIVES HAPPINES BUT WHEN IT GOES THE WOUND IS SOOO BIG. TENY

THANK YOU KARENB YOU ARE ALWAYS BY MY NET SIDE AND ANSWERING MY POST

THANK YOU LORI HOW ARE YOU DOING /?

THANK YOU ROSANNE FOR YOUR WORDS OF CONFORT TENY

[kayc]

Teny, You express yourself very well...if I tried to speak Greek, it'd be a problem! You are in our hearts, we just wish we could make you feel better.

I like what someone said here yesterday, their therapist told them it's not that it gets better, but that we develop better coping skills...that's true, we build on our skills as we go through this journey and learn how to survive this.

[Stallyn]

Teny,

You express yourself very well, and please know we are here for you, Kay has it right on, If we could learn Greek it would take awhile. Pls keep us updated on your treatment, I am familiar with many anitdepressants, there are many options and you will find the right one. I have faith in it. I give you a virtual hug and comfort..Take care of yourself always

Love,

William