Acceptance

[shell]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if part of dealing with our grief isn't wrapped up in acceptance? That there has to be a point where we accept that this is life and these things happen. I know this sounds strange, but I think there is a fine line between realizing something and accepting it. What is that line "accept the things I cannot change"? And accepting it doesn't mean forgetting about it or the person, but coming to a point where you accept that it's happened and there's nothing you can do about it. It's almost like getting tough with yourself. I hope some of this makes sense to somebody, because I'm having a really hard time putting the whole "concept" into words. Anybody understand this or relate to it?

Hugs,

Shell

[northern duke]

Shell,

To me, Realizing a big loss and accepting it are two completely different things (but that’s just me).

Realization for me is looking around at every aspect of my life and noticing every monumental as well as every minute change that my loss has caused. It’s everywhere and I don’t think can ever go away.

Acceptance is looking at that change and making of it what you can, sort of like starting from scratch (a new life). I'd like to say to you that this "new life" can be good, or even better, but I just don’t know that yet. I think I'm stuck at about the same place you are and can only offer you my love and understanding.

Good luck Shell.

Christian (The Duke)

[DesertBob]

Shell,

Yes I think that realization (recognizing that something has happened) is different from acceptance (reconciling yourself to it).

But I think this is true of any event, positive or negative, and there is something else involved with the loss of a significant person in your life.

I've buried my mother, father, oldest brother, and wife since the turn of the century, and I went through a divorce a long time ago, and also lost a friend in a tragic accident. It seems to me that the difficulty of getting to acceptance is proportional to how close you were to that person.

By this I don't simply mean how much a part of your daily life they were, but what degree of intimacy and connection you had with them. To the extent there was a spiritual connection or sharing of souls, to that degree you suffer. That is why the old saying "to love is to lose". It takes a lot of time to integrate such losses because you have literally lost a part of yourself and your identity.

In these cases I tend to think the goal is more to let go than to accept. One is wrapped up in the other but to me at least letting go is more concrete.

Letting go is not an absolute and the appropriate degree varies, I suspect, from person to person. I note that elderly people, on losing a spouse, tend to hold on more to the spouse because their time is short and they are looking forward to being reunited (or if that's not their belief, they're just tired and see little point in working on letting go, and prefer to be comforted by their memories rather than build a new life).

There is a trend, I understand, in grief counseling now that rather than helping people sever ties to the deceased, it's healthier to *build* ties, that the ultimate clinical outcomes are better if you have an ongoing relationship with the deceased, in the form of recognizing how that person has changed you and, if you're so inclined, believing that they are still involved in your life from the "other side". If true, then you have to figure out the shape of a new relationship as well as the shape of a new life.

I don't know what to make of all that yet ... except that I don't think that acceptance / letting go consists of a simple "moving on"; it's much more complex and individual than that.

--Bob

[lorikelly]

Shelley

that line is used alot at aa and na meetings. both my brothers are drug and alcohol social workers. it is a powerful line!!! it is also hard to follow,it is so hard when you are in control of so many things in your life but not able to control dying and grief. i hate it!!!! acceptance of anything life changing i think is always hard. lori

[dpodesta]

I agree with what has been said already. Acceptance and realization are two different things and come at different times. During the first few weeks or so, I knew that Karen had died but there was this sense in the back of my head that kept telling me that this was all a bad dream that I was going to wake up from and she would be laying there beside me. When I finally accepted that this was reality and not a dream then that sense left me. It was still awhile before I truly accepted that she was gone. I found that when I finally accepted that she had died and would not return, that I started healing and coming out of the funk that I was in. Acceptence does not come easy and does take time, but I believe that when you finally accept the death the "what if's" go away, you start being able to see a future for yourself again. For me it was when I started living again. I hope this helps you in some way.

Love always

Derek

[rosanne]

Letting go- letting go of your comfort zone, letting go of the love of your life, letting go of someone that loved you unconditionally....Letting go of someone that knew you better than you knew yourself. That person is gone... never to return all that remains are pictures that you can not look at it, because it hurts too much and their personl belongings- and you don't want to do anything with them because that would finalize things. Someone made the statement to me, well you will always have memories, I found no comfort in that at this time of my loss- because it has only been 4 months... maybe in years I can think on memories and smile, but not now. This is part of life, the part I HATE! The part I never thought of... I do not understand it, but I do have faith that one day we will all be happy again.

[karenb]

Hi Shell,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel you are so right about acceptance, and that's very hard to do. There are so many areas of our lives that we do just need to accept. We're all just trying to go on with these "new" lives. It's just over two years for me but I definitely see a change in me, and I like it. You hang in there, Shell, it sounds like you're doing very well.

Your friend, Karen

[shell]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies. It has given me a lot to mull over. I feel like I have accepted it, but I'm not sure it's making it any easier to live with. Talking with all of you helps so much. I really respect your ideas and feelings and opinions and it gives me new ways to look at it. Thanks again.

Hugs to all,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

Shell: You have got it. There are many things that happen to us that we don't have to like, and may never forgive. But that doesn't mean we can't accept the fact that they happened and in some way affected us and we CAN"T go back and change it or fix it. It is then up to us to accept this fact and decide what to do with it. Do we live in a past world of hurt? Or do we accept the FACT that we have hurt but it will not cloud our vision or stop us from doing what we need to do. We can choose to use whatever it was that happened to us as some insight gained, just a life experience or a realization about ourselves that strengthens us somehow for the next turn in life. Once we have "accepted" that it happened and we hurt it is easier to move forward carrying whatever load remains but its' weight has been made lighter. Time evaporates a lot of the rest.

Take care- DoubleJo

[shell]

DoubleJo,

One day I was crying and feeling miserable about everything that's happened and I finally said to myself, "Shell, knock it off. I have to accept this and know that it's going to hurt for the rest of my life, but I have to put it into it's own space." It's always with me, but I try to not let it consume every minute of every day and I try to think of the happier times. I'm not saying I achieve this all the time, but I'm getting better at it. I think getting tough with myself, so to speak, and "accepting" this fate helped me. And I really stay busy and it does force you to think of something else.

I like what you said about using whatever happened to us in some positive way. I did so much "soul searching" through all this and learned a lot about myself. I am a different person than I was before all this happened, but in a good, better way, I think. And that's a least something positive to hang onto.

Hugs,

Shell

[karenb]

It seems like we're always learning lessons and I really do believe where would we be if we never experienced the kinds of love we've had. I'm very proud of all of us...I think we're coming along just fine.

Your friend, Karen

[LoriS.]

Shell, I totally get what you are talking about and yes it's hard to deal with and to put into words sometimes. We have to accept this, or else what's to become of us? And would they want this for us? I feel my mom everyday and "talk" to her all the time. I know she only wants me to be happy and move forward. We are not being disrespectful to them or their memory if we laugh, have a good time, etc. It feels good (finally and with a lot of work and continuing to work on it) to get to the place of acceptance and see who we have become and to help others in the process.

Hugs to you...Lori

[shell]

Karen,

You're so right. All the things we experience make us who we are. And I think we are all coming along fine too. We're all "hanging tough"!

Hugs,

Shell

Lori,

I'm glad I made some sense! I talk to my mom all the time too. She was so worried about how I was going to be when she was gone and I hope she can see that I'm ok. But she did tell me she knew I was going to be fine and to believe that, so I remember that too. I hope she is watching over me and I feel like the best thing I can do for her is to be fine, to be ok, so if she can see me, she'll be at peace. My mom was a very strong woman and I'm hoping I have that strength too. I'm so much like her in so many ways anyway that hopefully I have that trait too.

And you're right about it being ok to have fun. I was doing ok with that until just recently, then I got depressed again and couldn't muster up any joy. But I'm also dealing with some health problems with some of my babies (kitties) and I think that has really brought me down. I'm so worried about them, that it is just making any bad feelings I'm having stronger. I just wish things would let up for awhile. I feel like things are going along fine and then WHAM...something else "bad" happens. But, that's life and I have to just grit my teeth and get through it, huh? Thanks for understanding!

Hugs,

Shell

Edited October 21, 2007 by shell

[walter/Erica]

Hello all..a very interesting topic. Right now it feel like I havent let Walter go, but not sure how it would feel if I did let him go. Even though I am 47 I rather can identify with the elderly widows, cause I have not let him go and find myself regularly counting the days /time till I join him. I am not suicidal, its just I long to be where he is . I am not convinced that I can have a relationship with Walter when he is not here.....And just the finality of that finishes me

Shell i wish i could speak sternly to myself like you did...will it work if i just say Erica snap out of this....

Maybe I shoul distract myself with an overseas holiday or something huge like that...

Love

Erica

[WendyJ]

Shell I knew exactly what you are saying and I totally agree with you. I myself admit that I realize Steve is gone but I do not believe I have accepted it. By that I mean I think that when I can finally get rid of some of his belongings and clothes etc. that means I have accepted his death and not till then. To me cleaning out his things means not only acceptance but that it is final and even though the realistic part of me knows it is final the romantic part of me does not. Does that make sense at all?

Love,

Wendy

[shell]

Wendy,

That makes perfect sense. When I say accept, I don't mean forget. Their spirits and our memories will always be with us. It just seems to me that there is a point where you accept whats happened (not gleefully, in fact quite bitterly sometimes and still with heartache) but it makes you look more forward. You realize that you are still living and have to go on. And, unfortunately, life is going to keep handing you things that are terrible, but again, you accept that this is the way it is. Maybe it's almost like a survivalist thing. You have to accept it in order to make it through it. I don't know, just my mind trying to reason things out, I guess.

Hugs,

Shell

Erica,

A trip sounds like a good idea. Sometimes getting away from all the obvious reminders can help you to think better. Clears the mind a little bit. Maybe the "Erica, snap out of this" will work. I know I frequently say, "Shell, STOP!" when I'm getting overwhelmed with bad thoughts or too anxious about something. Sometimes it works!

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnC]

I took a class on the psychology of grieving. The professor of the psychology of grief class said that he doesn't like the word "acceptance". That suggests that the death is okay with you. Of course that doesn't happen! He likes the term "adjustment" -- that you come to realize the death is real, that you can't change it, and you adjust to that fact and go on with your life.

I learned that it really does depend on your connection to the deceased person as to how you are affected, and that doesn't just mean how much they're in your daily life. When my ex-husband died, we had been divorced for 20 years, and I hadn't seen him in 15 years. We had been in touch by phone since he became ill, but lived on opposite coasts. But we became very close again by phone while he was ill, especially since our divorce was no-fault (he was gay). When he died, it was as devastating as being widowed for me. It's been 3 1/2 years, and I feel the grief as a constant background to my life. At first, it consumed me, and I couldn't think about work, family, friends, anything. Now, I do have my life back, and can have fun and be happy, but that pain is always lurking.

My dad died ten months ago, and although I often have sad times thinking about it, it didn't hit me like my ex's death. It was very, very different.

I do believe both my father and my ex-husband are on the other side and they send me messages that they're around me, and I will rejoin them when my time comes.

Ann

[DesertBob]

Ann,

I like your professor's take on it.

Your comment about your Dad reminded me of something I've been meaning to ask the Group Collective Wisdom about.

The death of my parents and oldest brother did not impact me anywhere near as much as the death of my wife. Two of those three other, less grieved deaths were tragic, too; only one was "natural causes". Now I would expect my wife's death to impact me more, but not a couple of orders of magnitudes more, especially considering:

1) I was reasonably close to my parents and brother

2) My wife's death was certainly not unexpected or unprepared for

I'm just curious how variable the experience of others has been. I'm not suggesting I should or shouldn't feel different; I am just me and I'm okay with that. I'm just astounded by a grief so intense that I might as well say I've never grieved before. Anyone else have this experience?

--Bob

The professor of the psychology of grief class said that he doesn't like the word "acceptance". That suggests that the death is okay with you. Of course that doesn't happen! He likes the term "adjustment" -- that you come to realize the death is real, that you can't change it, and you adjust to that fact and go on with your life.

***

My dad died ten months ago, and although I often have sad times thinking about it, it didn't hit me like my ex's death. It was very, very different.

[karenb]

Hi Bob,

You know I've had the same situation. My mother, my favorite aunt, my sister, the man I was going to marry - all died - two in accidents and my mother and sister had been ill. I didn't react as I did when my Jack died, though, with such sorrow and many of the grieving emotions and actions that we're experiencing here. I loved them all very much, too. I knew Jack was ill, but thought I could keep him here forever - wrong! He did die suddenly, though, at the wheel of his truck in rush hour traffic with a massive heart attack. Fortunately, my son-in-law was a passenger and got the truck to the side of the road. So, I knew, but it was still sudden. I'd like to hear what others think about this. It never occurred to me until you just mentioned it.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

I personnaly don't believe that acceptance means that you think that what has happened is ok, it just means that you realize that it has happened, and that there isn't anything you can do to change it. It does not mean that you are forgetting the person either.

Love

Derek

[karenb]

First, welcome home, Derek and Carson, from your weekend trip. Didn't you go on a church outing? I do agree, acceptance is only saying in your mind that this really has happened and, to me, that's all. The rest of it keeps on happening and we deal with it when it comes. I do like the word, "adjustment." That takes a lot of doing and a lot of time for many of us. I hope you two had a good time. Carson's lucky to have you and your wife, I just know, is smiling at you guys.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Yes, we had a weekend church trip, it was great and we both had a great time. He said that he was glad that we got to spend time together. We got back and found that my car had been broken into and the radio stolen. I wasn't going to let it ruin my weekend. Anyway thanks for welcoming me back

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Well, there you go....people are just so, so, so! I have an alarm on mine and, you know, I set it off myself sometimes. It's on one of those key thngs they give you when you get the vehicle and I didn't know that the red button turned it off without running into it and putting the key in. It's one of the very few things Jack didn't show me. Glad it was just the radio and not the vehicle you got back in a basket.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Very true, they still did $1000 in damage and I would have rather spent that money on other things. What is really bold is that the car was in view of the police station.

Derek

[karenb]

That really takes the cake!!! Sometimes I wonder about our "occifers of the law!" I'm sorry. Sometimes it's hard to find something "good" in something, huh?

Your friend, Karen