Lost Mom May 12

[Guest MissingMom]

I lost my mom on May 12, 2004. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer in September. I remember feeling angry that she had cancer. Not at her, but at the possible loss of my best friend. The doctors made it sound like she'd go into remission. I went into denial. I never even considered that she wouldn't beat this thing. Everything seemed really positive until her last treatment in March. From there it went down hill. I live in Alaska, she lived in Florida. I couldn't see her very much during her illness. She understood, but I feel guilty for not being there more. I spent a week with her at the end of March. It seemed that our first scare was over, and she was getting stronger. I remained in denial ... of course she'd get better. On Mother's Day I got a call from my sister telling me I should get back as soon as possible. The doctors were releasing her to the care of Hospice. I spent the next three weeks with mom and many of our family members. I have some really awesome memories from that time. She was strong in mind and spirit and to a certain extent, even body. She kept arguing with me that I needed to go home to my family. She was fine, and not going anywhere any time soon. On May 6th I went home. I told her I'd be back in a couple weeks. By this point I realized remission wasn't a possibility, but still thought I had several weeks. On May 11 I got a call to get back to Florida again. It was impossible to get a quick flight out. When I finally arrived back in Florida, I was told that I missed her passing by two hours. That she couldn't hold on anymore. I didn't get to say goodbye, to tell her how much I'd miss her, that I love her.

Since then, I seem to be getting worse. I'm not dealing with everyday life. I cry at the drop of a dime. I'm "happier" when I alone. I don't want to be around my family. My husband says he understands, but I see his frustration. How do I come out of this? How do I cope with losing my mom, my best friend and my hero? I can't tell you how many times I have reached for the phone to talk to her ... I always thought of myself as a strong person. That's how mom raised me. Now I think that she was my strength. I'm not sure how to get it back.

I have read many of the posts on this board and cry a little for each of you.

[lost32yearold]

I lost my mom on 2 Feb 04, she had an aneurysm back in November and lost the sight in her left eye. After a month in the hospital she was allowed to go home with a good prognosis. My mom also lived in Florida and I am living overseas. But in February I got a call from a neighbor that she had passed away. I feel that I never got to say goodbye, but I'm grateful she went on her own terms. I'm very sad for you that you didn't get to say goodbye. I also have a lot of guilt about living far away. I thought over the last several months that maybe if I'd only been there more, or done more maybe things would have been different. But one thing I think that you know is that your mom knew you loved her. Just the mere fact that you were there for her is a loving gesture. Your mom was very lucky to have a daughter that cared about her so much, sometimes kids grow up and forget about their parents. I can't tell you that it gets better, it just becomes more bearable as life goes on. One day I will think of my mom without crying and smile, but I'm not there yet. I think about her almost every day and many times of the last several months I've had the urge to call her but I know I can't. I think that I would give anything to have more time with her but I know it's not possible. All these feelings people tell me are normal. I wish you the best.