Then Comes Depression.....

[ohmyro]

Hello everyone, I just found this site last night when I was up at 3am. My granny passed away August 28,2007. She was 95, lived a good life, blah blah blah,but that doesn't take away this gaping hole that sometimes feels like everyone can see it. I was raised by and lived with my grandparents for most of my childhood/pre teen/teenage years. She taught me about taking care of family, being humble...all the pleasant things. I can honestly say I don't have a bad childhood memory while I lived with them. My dad (I called my granddad) passed when I was 9, he was very sick and it didn't seem to affect me much. But this..... I don't have nightmares of watching her suffer as they changed her dressings from pressure wounds anymore,but I am back to not being able to sleep through the night. I have suffered from depression before, and its rearing its ugly head again now. I feel like I'm at a stand still. Went in hospital for chest pains, had all kinds of tests cuz of family history....nothing.Normal. Feel like I could just cry a river, but it won't come out, got a big lump in my throat. I could go on and on, but then it would be a novel. I just wanted to get it out some, and I write better than I express verbally, so I'm glad if at least one person reads and understands.

thanks

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I am glad you found this site, but so sorry about your grandmother. She sounds like a very loving woman. You will find many people here who understand what you are going thru and many here who can help. I understand when you said you could "cry a river, but nothing comes out"...I lost my mom in Dec.and my dad 3 weeks ago. I just feel like I want to scream and scream, but like you, nothing comes out. Keep posting here and know you are in my thoughts.

[rosanne]

Hello,

I undestand how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to function with these feelings, you don't know how to get through a day, but somehow time passes on. Like AnnieO said, keep posting- everyone on this sight understands how you feel. Lost my mom June of this year.

You are both in my thoughts!

[ohmyro]

Thank you very much and I am sorry for both of your losses as well. I don't know why today seemed to be such a hard day? There's no date significance or anything, but maybe the rain and dreary day had alot to do with it. I feel like I am at a stand still now because I was supposed to start my junior year of college (yes, at 36yrs old) the week that my granny passed, but I took off the semester because it was all too much. I haven't been working either, which some days is a good think because I'm so out of it. But other times I think it would keep me busy. I dreamt about my grandmother last thursday night. Clear as day, when I walked up to her door and saw her standing there I just stood there shocked. She acknowledged that she had died, but was here until I could deal with her gone. (Something to that effect, I should have written it down as soon as I woke up) In the dream, I just sat in the floor and cried after she said that. I woke up soaking wet with sweat. I don't know what to do with all that. Its like I've been more depressed since the dream, but you would think that would give me some kind of solace, huh?

[shell]

ohmyro,

Sometimes something good can make you sad. The dream should make you feel better, but at the same time it is just another reminder that your grandmother is gone. I'm so sorry for your loss. You will eventually cry and it will probably be like a dam breaking, so don't be surprised if you start and can't stop. But crying is very healing, so it would be a good thing.

As far as school and working, you will do it when you are ready. It is probably good that you are taking this time off. I know that after my dad died and then my mom, I couldn't hardly function, so I am glad I wasn't trying to go to work everyday! I always feel so sorry for people on here who have to do that. You need time to mourn, so just take it as it comes. I'm glad you found our "family" here...welcome.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[rosanne]

That is one of the hardest things to do is get up and go to work, but then I think if I did not have to- what would I do with my time?

I have always thought of crying as cleansing your soul. I have done my share and know I will do more.

One step at a time is all we can take.

[chuckles1984]

Then Comes Depression... is right!! When my mom passed in march I had so much to do, so much to take care of, so much to think about and just let sink in that I seemed to keep the grief at bay. Now, almost 7 months later when all the "work" is done, I feel more depressed than ever. I wish I had taken some time off, but in the beginning I thought the best think to do would be to get back to it. That's a workaholic for you. Lately, and I don't know if it's my job specifically or the grief, or both, but my patience level has run much thinner than ever before, and all in all I just feel like crap. I think the worst part of it all is the pit of pain you mentioned. Lately I feel so sick to my stomach, all the time. It's real pain, my whole chest feels like it's going to emplode. I just started seeing a counselor, and I think it's helping, but yesterday was the hardest day I think I've had. I've never been depressed before... is this just typical feelings for depression?? Does it ever end? Coping is the most difficult thing in the world. It's not like there's going to be a cure, or solution, I guess you just have to learn to deal. What a terrible, awful feeling. I just want my mom back. She'd have all the answers...

[shell]

Chuckles,

It seems that most of us have been right where you are. The depression, irritation, anger, bitterness, you name it...comes after the shock has worn off and as you said, after all the "work" is done. It's totally normal. And grief comes with a number of physical effects too. I don't think any of it ever ends, unfortunately, but yea, you learn how to deal with it as time goes by. It brought tears to my eyes when you said, "She'd have all the answers". I will never trust anyone as much as I did my mom. I always knew she was on my side and "had all the answers". I miss that so much.

Hugs,

Shell

[chuckles1984]

It's funny, when my mom was around, I don't care how old I would have gotten, and how much I would have pushed my independence as an adult, I would have always been "a child" because mom would have been there to fall back on. Now I feel like I've been forced to "really grow up". I don't have anyone to "report to" for better or worse, and I feel like I'm parenting myself. What a weird feeling. It's like, although I always used to think I was doing for myself, I was in actuality doing for the pride of my mom. When I got a good grade, a promotion, yada yada, it was her happiness that fueled me. Learning to fuel myself is a whole new experience, because I never even realized that I wasn't. Does that make sense? It all seems so foreign...

[shell]

Wow, you could be talking about me! I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Even though I'm 54 and have been married and divorced twice and experienced a lot of things, I was always a "child". I, too, was independent because I had my "mommy". I did everything for my mom too, it was her approval and pride that made me happy. I thought I was grown up until my mom was gone and I realized that I REALLY had to grow up now. This is so weird that we are both feeling exactly the same thing! It truly is a weird feeling to have to "fuel yourself", as you so aptly put it. I can remember my mom would say (after both her parents had passed) that she was no longer anyones baby. It would make me so sad and I would tell her she could be my baby, which was silly, but she'd smile and say ok. Now I know just what she meant.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

I am 50 and also have been divorced, and my mom was always there for me, no matter what. We could talk about anything..... it did not matter and she would always say, Sis- don't worry everything is going to be o.k.

Now, I think about that and I don't feel o.k. I am not o.k.

I can't even funtion without her- I was in a store Sat. and they played I'll be home for Christmas- I cried my eyes out before I could get out of there!

I miss my mom so much!!!!

[Lea]

I too am so, so, very depressed. I experience physical pain in my back, neck and stomach. I miss my mom so much. My mom also had "all the answers". She was a very kind, loving and wise woman. I miss asking her what she thinks and just listening to her advice. I miss being with her and taking care of her and she of me and my family. I am 55 but can't seem to move on. She passed in June. Today for some strange reason has been one of the hardest days for me. I don't even know why. I just ache to talk with my mom. I know the holidays are going to be awful. My mom loved to bake for Christmas. Oh how I miss her.

One of my dearest friends that I have my known my entire life has quit talking with me. I think she can't bear to hear me talk about my mom. It's strange when you need people the most sometimes they just aren't there. So, I am glad that I found this site and am able to vent to others who understand. I am afraid to see a counselor as I am afraid I will severely loose it. I can express myself better writing. As Chuckles said "I just want my mom back. She'd have all the answers.....

[shell]

Rosanne,

That song makes me cry too! My mom was somewhat psychic and would tell me when she knew something was going to be ok, and she was always right. She would just feel the outcome very strongly and know it to be true. It was so comforting to me to be able to hear her say, "it's going to be alright, I feel it", and now I don't have that. I just miss so many, many things about her.

Lea,

I, too, had a long, long-time friend that just ignored me after my dad died. Two and a half years later she called to say she was going to be in town (she lives in California). She asked how I was and I told her, "Well, not too good. My mom just passed away". She said she was sorrry and then moved onto if I felt up to seeing her when she came to town! I told her that I hadn't heard from her in two and a half years and so, no, I didn't want to see her. That I didn't feel like she was my friend. She actually got indignant, like she couldn't possibly understand why I was mad. So, don't feel alone. I think most of us have been through this, and the way I figure it is that I wasted my time on these people. Good to finally find out, but it still hurts, I know. Hang in there!

Hugs to both of you,

Shell

[lorikelly]

My mom is gone 14mos and i still can't believe i haven't seen her in that long. last night i dreamt of her and i could hear her voice, i dont want to wake up so i can hear her longer. i just try to do my best and keep going forward.some days are better then others and some really stink. the holidays coming up makes everyone feel so much worse. i wish i had the money i would take a long trip from nov -jan and be away from here. oh weil. lori

[rosanne]

Know what you mean, you just want to hide until all of the holidays are over.My brother and I were talking about Thanksgiving today, and what we were going to do, and I just thought as bad as we feel and as sad as we are we still need to give thanks for what we have left, does this make sense? I am just so thankful that I had a loving wonderful mother that loved me so unconditionaly and I her.... so many people do not have that. I don't know why she was taken away so young, we still had so much more to do and so much future. I miss my mom as much if not more than the day she left me.

Every morning I wake up, which is usually in her bed, I know the minute I open my eyes that she is gone, it so sad- she was my BEST friend!

Rosanne

[MartyT]

Rosanne, you said, My brother and I were talking about Thanksgiving today, and what we were going to do, and I just thought as bad as we feel and as sad as we are we still need to give thanks for what we have left, does this make sense?

It does indeed make sense, and it reminds me of this beautiful piece by Darcie Sims, For That I Am Thankful.

[teny]

Hi I dont visit this site but as I read the posts of children that lost parents and realise how much it hurts I try to find a reason of living .Most of the time Ifeel so depressed that Idont want my life without my husband .I do love my boys but my heart is emty without my love.I wonder if I go will my children hurt the way I do.Reading your pain I try to find currage to keep going.TENY

[rosanne]

Marty- thanks for sending that to me, I will share it with my brother.

Teny,

I feel there is deep pain with anyone that you loose that you loved deeply. I know that your children would feel the same as we that have lost a parent. You can never replace a parent! I have a few older friends that were my mom's age and sometimes I think they are trying to replace her, and I think to myself NEVER- no one will ever replace my angel mother!

Life is very hard, I did not know how hard until I lost my mother, my best friend in the whole world, she meant everything to me.... she is in my heart forever and that is where I will hold her.

You hold your loved one in your heart, every beat.... One day at a time Teny.

Thinking of YOU,

Rosanne

[Guest PJMurphyK]

Greetings to all of you. This is my first post and I am very glad to have this forum. I've read all of your comments and want all of you to know how deeply sorry I am for your pain.

PJMurphyK was and will always be my Mother. She died August 23, the first day of classes at Cal State San Marcos, where I teach sociology and statistics. The call from hospice came at 4:00 that morning. By 6:00 I and my brother were at the retirement home putting my Mother's affairs in order. Incredibly, I actually went to my classes that afternoon.

My Mother and I had a rough time of it early on. Our home was the textbook definition of dysfunctional, and at 15 years old, she told me to get out and never come back. I deserved it, but as the years went by we found each other again, and during the last ten years of her life she absolutely was my best friend in all the world. She and I had been through our own individual hells, and somehow had survived and formed an incredibly deep bond.

The day she died I must have gone into shock. For a solid month I functioned normally, my only regret being that I hadn't cried a tear for the woman who bore me, raised me, fought with me, and loved me more tenderly than anyone else in my life. After that period I experienced some real anger, I was angry at her for leaving me and angry at myself for callously living on without regret or remorse. Then I began missing her, and last Monday morning the torrent came. It hasn't shut off or slowed either. If I had any idea what kind of pain I would unltimately experience I wouldn't have been asking for those tears.

I love my Mother, and I miss her terribly. The pain is indescribable. I can only offer one helpful hint that has worked for me already. Find someplace to be where you can quiet your mind. Listening to my breathing helps me quiet my mind. I tried it yesterday and heard my Mother's voice strong and clear. She gave me hope and let me know she would always be with me. I will listen for her voice whenever I can, because even though it brings me pain because I can't see her, it brings me unbridled joy to at least hear her again.

[rosanne]

Dear PJMurphyK-

I am so glad that you have joined us. We have no answers, but big hearts and know exactly where you are. I lost my mom in June of this year and each and every day is hard, when I look back on all that I went through, I do not know how I got from there to here other than God.

I am so sorry for your loss, please keep posting you will really find comfort here.

Rosanne

[Guest PJMurphyK]

Thanks Rosanne, I'll surely be checking in from time to time. Peace to all.

[shell]

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your loss, and especially that you had years of seperation and then finally mended your relationship. That must make it harder in some ways. Please visit often and share your feelings. Your idea of the quiet place and listening to your breathing is wonderful. I'm going to try it.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Guest PJMurphyK]

Thanks much Shell.

Strange how this process works. Last Mon/Tues/Wed were very hard, then Fri & Sat weren't too bad. I remember jokingly thinking to myself, "Wow, I got over that pretty quickly!"

Yesterday was no fun. Nothing creative to explain about it, it's just that the pain came back pretty hard. I woke up this morning at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. My loving wife sat up with me for 90 minutes and we just talked and she held me when the tears came. Then we both went back to sleep for a while.

I sense from reading posts on different sites and from speaking to a therapist that this might be the way it is for some time. I would not welcome that, but must accept what is I suppose. I don't eat much these days, which can't hurt the waistline, but I'm sure overall it is not a positive thing.

I think for me right now I'm just trying to let things flow, the only purposeful act I've engaged in is "scheduling time to cry." Interesting concept that my wife introduced me to - on days that I have to teach, I make a deal with myself that I can cry during office hours (pity the poor student who shows up needing assistance). It helps when I'm in class and the rumbling starts to know that I have a time to grieve coming soon.

Peace to All.

[shell]

Your wife is giving you wonderful support and you are very lucky for that, as I'm sure you know. I also sort of have a time that I cry. Certain things will trigger it when I'm not "ready", but I generally cry at certain times of the day and night, by myself. And I do think it helps to have a "schedule" of sorts. I have developed this outer shell (no pun intended, haha) when I have to go about my everyday life, and have learned to "shut off" my brain from certain thoughts. Don't know how I do it and am not even sure it's a good thing, but it does get me through some rough times, until I can be alone and cry.

What can we all say? Grief is just an incredibly horrible, unpredictable journey and we have to just learn ways to cope with it. Helping each other on this site is wonderful, it's helped me a lot! Learning from each other is great.

Hugs,

Shell

[Guest PJMurphyK]

Thanks Shell.

I like the idea of the private place where you can go to be with your thoughts. You reminded me of a bizarre event in my life. As the last confirmed bachelor, I waited until age 41 to get married. At the time I worked for one of those "tyrant" bosses, you know the one, the ogre everyone tries to stay away from.

On my last day at work before leaving to get married and go honeymooning, that boss of mine pulled me into her office and said she had one piece of advice for me. She said love your wife with all of your heart, but keep a place inside yourself just for yourself. When the hard times come, you'll be glad you did.

Best piece of advice I ever received from anyone, about anything. I'm not sure a private place is good for me right now, I tend to follow my wife around the house like a puppy dog because I fear being alone, but maybe for future use.

Peace to All.