First Birthday Without My Mom

[rosanne]

Friday was my 50th birthday- I did not want to do anything, but let the day pass by- mom always made my birthday so very special! My daughter who was also very close to my mom convinced me to take a day off of work with her- she picked my up at 7:00 a.m. greeted me with a bouquet of flowers and we ate breakast out. Then she took me for a manicure and pedicure (that my dad paid for) then I had my hair cut and then a one hour massage... She bought me several gifts my favorite was a silver frame that has 3 Generations written at the top and a picture of her, mom and me together. I did my share of crying, yesterday- just woke up that way... went to mom's grave. I do thank God every day for the special daughter that I have!

[Corinne]

Rosanne,

Happy Birthday! I just wanted to say what a very very special daughter you have! It sounds like she learned a lot from you and your mom.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[northern duke]

Hey Rosanne, happy birthday! Going through the first birthday must be tough. My birthday's coming up and it will be the first without my mom too, but I am glad that your daughter could help make the day special for you.

Again, happy birthday.

Christian (The Duke)

[shell]

Rosanne,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Thanks so much..

I dread the holidays- anybody want to share how you are going to spend them?

[shell]

Rosanne,

I strangely am not really dreading the holidays, but I think it's because I feel no pressure about them. It's just my brother and me now and I am going to do the things I've always done, but if I don't, it won't be a catastrophe or anything. I will feel incredibly sad that my parents aren't here, but that is unavoidable, and I've learned to just expect it and feel it, but just plug along anyway. I've always been sort of a "private mourner" and don't show it to many people. I get alone and do my crying and ranting, so when I'm not in my "private time zone" I act like I'm fine. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it has kept me more normal, or at least pretending that things are normal. Anyway, I guess my point is to just do what you feel like and don't do what you don't feel like. Or do something completely different! It's juat a hard time of the year any way you look at it.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Have you found times, that even though you are mourning, and I mean I think about my mom all of the time- but, I do not think about details- does this make sense? I don't think about her illness and what we went through the last 3 months, and hospice and all of that- I wonder if this is normal, or is this some kind of a protection that I am doing to myself- and will I have grieved by not making myself think and dwell on these things. I know, I probably sound off of the wall but does this make sense to you?

[shell]

Not off the wall at all! I have noticed that I do the same thing. At first I thought about it a lot (the details) and now I don't think of them as much, hardly at all. Now, once in awhile something will remind me of it and I start thinking about the details again, but to be honest, I push those thoughts away. I think we have thought about them enough and that not thinking of them will not impede our healing progress. Sometimes it is best to let things go. I believe that we don't have to rehash every aspect to heal, ya know? Part of moving on is exactly that...moving on, letting our thoughts move on past the terrible parts.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

I guess, you are right. I think of mom all through my day but, I was afraid I was pushing it out for a reason. I guess, I think there has to be a reason for everything, and I try so hard to figure things out and people out and why they act the way they do- it drives me crazy..... I don't know how to stop it.

[shell]

You and me both! It drives me crazy too. But there are times when I can just let it all go and stop trying to make "sense" of ANYthing and I feel better, almost lighter. Then there are other days I drive myself crazy trying to figure out why, why, why! Jeez....it's like an endless circle, huh?

hugs,

Shell

[Haley]

We all Grief in different ways, my MOM left me April 2006 with me by her side and still am and always will be,but I can not get past that day in any way I do not talk about this anybody at all not a word I cannot do that except you Shell. I also am dreading the holidays I have my 3 boys but thats is for the holidays and its to hard not that my boys are not goiod enough they are the best..... I miss my MOM and all and we never bought gifts we just made time for each other and the time was priceless the best and nothing. My boys are at the age where they are mom go away we want ot hang otu with friends man I feel so LONELY. Birthdays are awful also when you are so use to things one way and than the next there are different MOM use to call mine in to the radio station and sing to me in a funny voice nothing.

As the holidays are coming fast we all need to hang on to each other and get ready for the roller coaster ride. Some how some way we will all make it and move on to the next stage of the saddness in our lives.

Thanks

Haley

[rosanne]

Haley,

I do understand exactly how you feel. I am taking care of my 74 year old father, sometimes I don't know if he really appreciates my brothers and I- we wait on him hand and foot, but then again he may not know how to express himself- they were married for 50 years, and I am sure he has felt like he is cut in half. It is very hard for us, we all work I stay during the week and my brothers alternate week-ends,we all live so close to one another- you can pop in and out anytime. I have to go into the house every day and clean and see all of my mom's things- it is soooo hard.... If someone would have told me what I would have to face the last 2 years, I would have never believed it.

I know you love your boys, and I do know they are a comfort to you.

We will just have to go through the holidays together, because no one knows until they have been where we are.

Take Care

Rosanne

[shell]

Haley,

You said "move onto the next stage of sadness in our lives". I often think about all the sadness yet to come too. I try not to dwell on that, but it's hard not to think about it. I found this, I believe, on this site a long time ago. I think it was at the end of one of Martys posts.

"Grief...is only the beginning. After a time it becomes something less sharp, but larger too, a more enduring thing called loss".

-Anna Quindlin

I think about this often. I think we all know that we will always feel that sense of loss. It becomes a permanent part of you, always there under the surface. But, at the same time, you learn to live on in spite of it, I guess. I just try very hard not to think ahead too much. When the next loss comes, I'll just have to deal with it too. We'll all be ok. We are a strong bunch on this site. And we'll help each other through the holidays, just like last year! Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell