It Isn't Getting Better

[DesertBob]

Art,

Everyone's different. I have the consolation when I wake up in the morning that Linda isn't facing another day of suffering. But that only goes so far.

For some insane reason it helps to tell her good morning. In fact she had fond memories of singing, in Kindergarten, a ditty called "Good Morning Merry Sunshine" and sometimes that's what I say when I get up in the morning. It helps me think of her being in a better place, and it reminds me of the spirit with which she tried to greet every day.

I think a lot of the pain of grief is a form of post-traumatic stress. When you do through a very stressful event such as losing your spouse, the whole experience gets fried into your brain and goes round and round and round until something breaks the cycle. Your mileage may vary, but sometimes injecting a positive ritual into a painful spot brings about remarkable changes. What will work for you is very individual and you may have to experiment.

For me, the worst is eating out or traveling. Linda used to love doing that, and she infected me with her love of doing that. I have had to force myself to visit some of our old haunts, for instance, and imagine she is witnessing me (heck, she probably is, she promised to anyway) and deciding to make it a celebration of our life together to reassure her that I'm going to be okay. Again, might not work for the next person, but does the trick for me. You don't even have to particularly believe it. The mind responds to the imagery you attend to.

Gradually I've gotten to where I can go places and do things without automatically slipping into the "oh-my-God-we'll-never-do-this-together-again" mode. I had a life before Linda, and Linda didn't take it away from me, she added to it. I'll be darned if I'm going to face her someday and have to explain why I allowed myself to be miserable, rather than enjoy the many gifts she gave me.

Heck, Art, it's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. But worth it.

--Bob

[karenb]

Bob...Thank you so much for your words. I feel all that, but you put to beautifully. She was a lucky lady and you're a very lucky man.

Your friend, Karen

[missingcharlie]

Hi all! I know it's been quite a while since I've written. My work hours have changed and I just don't get a lot of time to spend on the computer, but I have not forgotten about you all. I still read all the posts and want you all to know I'm thinking of you.

November is such a bad month for me. The 16th will be three years without my beloved husband, Charlie. It is so hard for me to believe that it has been that length of time already. Then, of course, we have Thanksgiving and then my birthday is at the end of the month. I still miss him so much, but I am trying to go on the best I can and make some kind of life for myself. As Bob said, someday I'm going to have to "face" my honey and he will be very upset with me if I haven't enjoyed (or atleast tried to) the remainder of MY life. Financially it has been very difficult, but with help from my sister I'm going to be OK. Hopefully I can sell my house once the real estate market here in AZ comes back, some. That would be a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders.....

Well, I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I am TRULY sorry to hear of all the new losses here, but am VERY glad you all have found this site. There are so many wonderful people here!!

Take care and hugs to all of you!!

Patti

[Stallyn]

Art,

It is indeed difficult but how and when you cope with it is the best way, I lost my wife March 2nd unexpectedly to cancer and been in a funk ever since, I relate to alot of what you feel, I find it difficult to move on alot, though to mention

I am completely alone now. what keeps the wheels turning for us is LOVE.

Derek, Karen, Wendy and others, I have been in a "wired" funk the past few days, every months anniv subliminally tethers me to a wierd feeling. The past few days the loneliness has been deep and been thinking how much longer can I go at this life, its been 8 months already and things not for the better. forgive me for my absence.

Patti, good to hear from you again, Phoenix really outdid itself I know, I admit this isn't the ideal place to grieve, so many people in Phoenix are so cold and distant. I miss the old days. 40 years is almost all I can take living here

Love,

William

[karenb]

William, you have to do what you have to do....we understand, but we do worry about your well being. I hope you're doing everything you need to and I pray that you'll find a little peace...you deserve it, my friend. Please, hang in there.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen,

elusive is what I am to do with myself now, I do feel like in some way the porch light is blinking too much, where the right is its the left, that kind of funk of being alone all the time. thanx for your support right now.

Love,

William

[WendyJ]

William,

Gosh I know exactly what you mean. As I think I said in a previous post I took Friday off to get some things done around the house, mainly some xtra laundry and some fall cleaning. I did nothing but sleep and watch television. I think I told you guys that I was needed to babysit saturday night and as I was about 1/2 ready to leave their plans got cancelled and I wasn't needed but at least I had taken a shower and felt more like a human. Did I get anything done? Nope ! So I get up today and at least I changed the sheets on my bed and the comforter and did maybe 2 loads of laundry but in 3 days that is nothing ! I go back to work tomorrow after 3 days off and all I did was change my bed and 2 loads of laundry? I have cried on and off all weekend, slept alot and watched some tv. I am only 5 days behind you my dear friend and I think we are both having a rough time. I even got in a fight with my daughter for being rude to me but I think I carried it way too far as I do feel very depressed and miss having Steve to discuss about our daughter with and make decisions with and just to talk to etc etc etc. I too William am having a hard time, I miss him so much and it hurts so much.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Patti,

It's so good to her from you again! I hope your work schedule is a good thing...if you don't have a lot of time to spend on the computer, that means you don't have too much time for thinking either, and I always find that better.

Take care and check back now and then!

KayC