8 November

[walter/Erica]

Tomorrow will be 8 months . Derek, KAyc, Wendy , Corrinne and other dear friends, how could this have happened. Today I feel that God has left me to manage this burden on my own. I am not Gods favourite Child and maybe He is punishing me for something that I did I dont feel His love and I so desperately need to. Walter and I were scared with Death three times. Three times God allowed us to reach that point and then I thought He would reward us for being faithful, but He then decided to punish us and take Walter just like that!

I cannot go on like this... It fells like this is what my life is going to be like...But the BIble speaks of abundant life...Thank you for listening...sorry about the outburst. I just feel so terrible.

[lorikelly]

Erica

I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. i know at times when we feel our worst we think God has forgotten us but please believe that He never forgets you and at the hardest time He holds you in the palm of his hand. It can be hard to have faith when something rocks us to the core, for months and months i doubted mine. i finally realized i never doubted God just myself. i can pray for you and i will . i am also here for you if you need anything. i hope that you will find some comfort today even if only for a moment. All my love and prayers. Lori

[suzanne]

Erica

I am so sorry for your pain. I had my eight months Nov 2 and like you it just doesn't seem possible. I wish I had some answers as to the why's but I don't. We just have to hang in there and keep taking one day at a time. Try to remember the good times and all of the love you shared together. Some people never have the blessing of experiencing that once in a lifetime love and I try to hang on to that. I will be thinking of you and praying for the strength for you and all of us to get through this.

Suzanne

[DesertBob]

Erica,

God takes the rap for a lot of stuff (and I'm not sorry for him in the least; sometimes he's the only throat to choke) but I don't think he punishes people for lack of faith. Or let me put it this way ... if he does, he is horribly petty and vindictive, and we're all toast.

I don't pretend to understand why your Walter died. I don't pretend to understand suffering, or even all the BS in the world. But I believe very much in a wise saying imparted to me once by a minister: "Bad theology is a hard taskmaster". Your beliefs aren't comforting you; they are tormenting you, Erica. You might ask yourself if they are really the beliefs you've been taught. If they truly are, maybe you aren't in the healthiest church you could be in.

I'll tell you one thing I'm absolutely positive about: God is not punishing you. I won't insult your intelligence and say that he's blessing you ... I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat and tell you WHO or WHAT is the cause of all this pain ... but I know for a fact you're not being punished. How do I know? Because you love God enough to want to please him. And that is all any god worth worshiping could possibly ask of you. After all, would you ask more of your own child? And I seem to recall that someone once said, "If you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to those who ask him?"

The answer to the heart-cry of "why" lies somewhere else. I wish I knew where. But ... you haven't failed some cosmic test. And if you've been less than perfect (i.e., human) then you are no different than the rest of us. Like you, the rest of us are, more or less randomly it seems, experiencing joy, pain, and everything in between. It's the human condition.

The challenge now is to focus on gratitude for Walter's life rather than sorrow over his death. I fight that battle every day regarding my Linda. It's a hard battle sometimes, this business of counting blessings, but it can be won. Linda taught me that by being hopeful and positive even after 31 years of grinding illness.

Hang in there. You're in all our thoughts.

--Bob

[walter/Erica]

Bob, Suzanna , Lorikelly, Thank you for your words of encouragement. After I posted my note at work, I walked into a colleagues office and just burst into tears...a release of all thsese feelings. My colleagues prayed for me then and there, like you are doing. Right now sitting in bed and feeling numb, which is better than the emotions felt earlier on. i will try and spend some quality time with God later on..Bob, so your Linda wsa sick for 31 years..plesae tell me more...And I do have blessings to count. Thank you for reminding me

Love

Erica xx

[DesertBob]

Erica,

I don't recall how much of this I've posted here before, but briefly, Linda was a scary smart person, with a 180 IQ, got her computer science degree in 3 years with a perfect 4.0 GPA, got a great job, and was cut down at age 24 by an over-the-top flu that wouldn't go away ... ulcerated tonsils, throat swollen closed, pneumonia, the works. It took her 6 months to recover enough to drag herself into work, and after a few weeks it came back. This cycle went on for a few years before she got a diagnosis of chronic epstien-barr virus, and eventually, due to brain damage, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). Her IQ dropped to 102 and she was granted disability on the basis of organic brain disease. She had an MRI scan in the late 90's and they said her brain looked about like an 80 year old's (enlarged sulci, lesions, etc).

Around 2000 or so she became chemically sensitive and eventually was diagnosed with multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS). Basically the blood-brain barrier and the gut become permeable to things they shouldn't and all sorts of toxic chemicals in the environment that you or I throw off without any effort cause no end of havoc. It is quite different from allergies. It's triggered by the slightest amount of volatile organic chemicals -- perfume, cologne, paint, stains, most plastics, byproducts from mold, glues, etc etc. She basically drowned in the environment. We reconstructed our house to be as much as possible a safe "bubble" for her to live in but at the end she was just falling apart ... seizures, constant hot flashes, muscle spasms. And she couldn't take anything to ease the pain ... most medications are metabolized through a particular enzyme pathway called P-450 that was largely not working for her, and she was a so-called "universal reactor" so that she was reactive to the excipients and fillers and dyes in a lot of medications that she COULD have taken.

All in all not a nice way to go. We suspect that this all started from an industrial accident in the 70's in which flame retardant was mistaken for a cattle feed additive. She ate some tainted meat, and her health started to go around that same time. She was by no means a sickly child.

Linda transcended her illness somehow. After she had to quit working she got involved with raising and training Shelties. Several of them won US and Canadian championships. She imported Shetland sheep so the dogs could do herding trials. She founded the North American registry and association for the sheep. As her health failed further in the mid 90's she had to give all that up. Somehow she always kept up hope, never gave up, and always squeezed the good out of every situation.

I think she believed she was pretty much washed up and forgotten but the people that showed up at her memorial included old high school and college friends and teachers, her boss from 25 years ago, people from the dog and sheep world ... she touched a lot of lives in a big way.

All the above is true. It's also true that she died in the most horrible and heartbreaking way imaginable, despite all efforts (including prayer from some pretty well known "prayer warriors").

I have to just let that last go ... and focus on her life and the privilege of sharing it. I will probably never understand the suffering. I am still not on the best terms with God, or the universe, or fate, or whatever you want to call it, because of that. But I am determined to follow her example somehow.

Besides, I'm to ornery to give up. Ain't giving anyone the satisfaction.

--Bob

Bob, so your Linda wsa sick for 31 years..plesae tell me more...

[WendyJ]

Oh Erica I feel the same way. Today is my 8 months without Steve and I feel so down it is not funny. The last couple days I just feel like I am sinking fast and so tired and so washed out. My daughter emailed me before (not the one that still lives with me, the one who is married) and sent this email to both families that she was hoping the day after Thanksgiving we could all go see the movie Fred Claus to try to get into the Holiday spirit. WHAT ??? Does she think I am all happy and bubbly now and I have put the past behind me? Does she really think I want to get into the friggin Holiday spirit? I don't want to acknowledge the Holiday never mind get into it ! Erica I do not feel God is punishing us, gee I hope not, I must have been pretty bad then, but like you I just don't understand life at all. I used to have this black mug back in the 80's that I thought was cool at the time and now I would love to have it back again because it is so fitting. It said "Life's a Bitch and then you die." Boy do they have that right !

Love,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

Wendy,

I hope you can forgive your daughter's well-intentioned effort to distract you and cheer you up. The best thing is probably to just gently tell her you're not ready for that.

Even without grief, it seems like what society has made of the holiday season has become an all-encompassing vortex that sucks in every ounce of your life force from approximately now until New Years Day, with its mindless demand that you be hap-hap-happy or be labeled a Scrooge. No wonder the psychiatrist's couches are booked solid every January. It's like a shared societal fantasy / conspiracy to prove to ourselves that our lives aren't empty. And here we are, and our lives ARE empty. Who needs it!

I have to agree that sitting this one out is probably not a bad idea ... although, I am finding that periodically making myself do something mindless and fun does help to lift my spirits, as long as it's in moderation and on my terms.

--Bob

My daughter emailed me before (not the one that still lives with me, the one who is married) and sent this email to both families that she was hoping the day after Thanksgiving we could all go see the movie Fred Claus to try to get into the Holiday spirit. WHAT ??? Does she think I am all happy and bubbly now and I have put the past behind me? Does she really think I want to get into the friggin Holiday spirit?

[WendyJ]

Bob,

I emailed her back and told her thank you for thinking of me but etc etc etc and you know she probably meant well and I am sure both of my daughters are still hurting alot too as they loved their father dearly, but they just don't understand along with society too that it is differant losing a partner. I have lost close family members and I know it sure hurts like hell but for me losing Steve was far far worse. Your spouce is your best friend your soulmate the person who knows you inside and out, your other half. She mentioned something about her girlfriends mom who lost her husband is barely home so to keep her mind off of things, well first of all her girlfriend lost her dad 3 years ago not 8 months ago and not every person is the same. I was a homebody before I lost Steve and I still can't wait to go home at night, I just wish he could still be there when I arrived. I don't blame her for not fully understanding and I am sure she meant well but the email to the whole family was very bubbly and I am just not up to bubbly and may never be again. Today is 8 months exactly and I think it was just a bad day to get a bubbly email about getting in the Holiday spirit.

Love,

Wendy

[MartyT]

Wendy, dear ~ you might want to use this with your family members:

Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season

(Harold Ivan Smith is also the author of A Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others Are Celebrating)

You'll find links to lots of other helpful ideas, articles and books on the Coping with the Holidays page of my Grief Healing Web site.

[WendyJ]

Marty thank you so much, I just ordered the book from Amazon and I can't wait to start reading it as I am really going to need it this year ! I always have Christmas at my house and my Mom was going to take over for me this year but now that she has been ill it is back to me again. I will put candles in the windows and a small tree up with the beautiful star on it that Steve made and that is it. Usually our house is beautifully decorated but I am just not up to it this year. Thanks again Marty !

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy I understand how you feel for I am feeling the same it will be 10 months onthe 20th that Bruce is gone. I told my kids the samething. I will put a tree up but that is it. Like you I went all out for christmas the inside and outside as always decorated but not this year. Christmas as always been our favorite time of the year, but this year all I can think about is just getting through it. So maybe we can help each other get through this christmas without out our beloved husbands. Gail

[WendyJ]

Gail,

I did the same, always went all out cooked a fresh ham had all kinds of yummy appetizers, oh I could go on and on and I really wouldn't care if we just skipped it this year. I just can't imagine how I am going to handle not only Christmas eve but Christmas morning with just Melissa and I. I can't even think about it as I am losing it all ready. I just can't even imagine if I am this bad now, what is going to happen when Christmas actually is here ! Please yes we need to help eachother as I am so so scared !

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Just my luck, the night of my 8 month anniversary and nobody is here tonight !

[Corinne]

Wendy,

I am so sorry I was not online and there for you last night. I had a crazy day and night, I won't go into it, and by the time I got home I was so exhausted I had to go right to bed. I hope you are doing Ok and that today is a better day for you. I don't know why but the eight month does seem to be really hard, but I do know that we will get through it. I hope you were able to cuddle up with all your little ones and get some comfort. Once again I am sorry I did not remember it was your 8 month anniv. yesterday and check in on you. Please forgive me.

Erica,

I am sorry that today is your 8 month anniv. I know that it is very hard, like I told Wendy and Derek has said, for some reason the 8 month anniv. is hard. Please know that you will be Ok and get through it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[WendyJ]

Corinne please don't appologize, I don't expect you to remember when my key dates are, sometimes we can't even remember ourselves, right? I just couldn't believe when I came on last night that nobody was here....nobody ! When does that ever happen? You are a good friend Corinne and I love you dearly ! Hope today is better than yesterday, but now you have my curiousity going !

Love,

Wendy

Erica I believe your 8 months is today? Hang in there kiddo, I got through it and so will you. I will try to be on later in case you need to talk !

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy

So sorry you had to spend the eighth month alone last night. That is a tough one. I feel same as you, almost like going back to square one or something, but I made it through it.

Erica

I know what a difficult day today is for you and I'll be thinking of you.

Christmas is just a dreadful thought. New Years eve even worse. We were homebodies as well and just spent New Year's eve at home together. I don't have any children so I won't have to deal with ANY Christmas decorations. If there was just a way to be able to watch television without all of those endless Christmas commercials. Maybe that is why those of us at eight months are going a bit backwards. Holidays approaching as well. Bah, humbug!

Suzanne

[Corinne]

Wendy,

Yesterday I was job hunting (yuck!), then last night my 8 year old had to go to the eye dr., she gets her first pair of glasses on Fri. After the eye dr. we went over to my neighbors house because I have to watch her dog this weekend. My 8 yr old who loves animals and thinks they all love her, got too clingy with the dog in a room filled with people and stepped on the dogs paw and got nipped in the arm and face. Thank God she just got a little scratch by her nose and her cheek and arm are a little red this morning. It could have been a lot worse because the dog is a doberman. I can't be mad at the neighbor or her dog because I know my daughter and she made the dog feel cornered and then stepped on her paw and that's the story. So, by the time I got home all I could do was go to bed. Then this morning my neighbors 2 kids came over before school because she had to go to an all day conference in Phila. and my dog broke part of his bottom fang off and it was bleeding so I need to get him a vet appt. to have the other half removed and now that all the kids got on the bus for school the only thing I feel like doing is going back to bed! Oh well, I need to get showered and get something done today. I hope you have a good day.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[walter/Erica]

Thanx girls. Yes I got through today, Thank you God and thank you for your prayers. It has made a difference...I had a picture in my mind of open heart surgery. You know when they show the heart pulsating and the heart is all bloody...well I picture mine like that bleeding and bruised black and blue and hanging onto the rest of the organs by a very thin thread.....thats my broken heart!

Christmasstime, Yes I also went all out . Decorating, cooking, baking , taking out Christmas China, and I taught Walter to love the season. This year I dont want to do the tree but I will take out some candles and ornaments. Wont do the fruit cake as he loved fruit cake.... I thought I will buy a Christmas card to my Husband and put it next to his ashes. He always bought the largest and most beautiful and loving card for me..and jewelry for my Christmas gift. We would share a bottle of Champagne on Christmas eve and I would have a special Christmas nightgown....

[kayc]

I didn't get to go on line for 24 hours so I felt like I missed a lot when I came back and read just now. I had a pretty bad day at work yesterday and ended up crying and needing therapy by the time the day was over.

As I read the replies to Wendy, it makes me feel good that there is this whole group of supportive caring people that say just all the right things when we need it. You guys are wonderful. Marty, thanks for re-posting that link, I remember that. A lot of times we just need to let our families know that what we're going through is normal and we aren't up to holiday stuff, and maybe suggest something alternative. I remember my son telling me, "You don't have to do Christmas, we can celebrate Easter instead!" I got this mental picture of colored easter eggs instead of a tree. In the end, he brought me a tree and put it up and my daughter decorated it...I still got the chore of taking it down, but it went okay. I tried to play it real low key, and have ever since.

[WendyJ]

Kay I am so so sorry you had such a bad day at work, are you okay now? What happened may I ask that got you so upset? Do you want me to kick someone's butt for you cause I will certainly get Derek and William to help me !

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Thanks for your concern. I have a boss that nitpicks and if I answer the phone on the first ring instead of the 2nd he sends me an email immediately. I was working on some really complicated stuff and trying to save him some money and I messed up one time and answered the phone on the first ring because my mind was deeply engrossed in what I was doing. It doesn't help that for 39 years in offices I've raced to pick up the phone and it's a hard habit to break...also the ring sounds like a double ring which throws you off when you're busy. That wouldn't have gotten to me so much but he went through the office announcing it to everyone, humiliating me! He's humiliated me in front of clients before too. He doesn't show appreciation, you only hear when some little thing is wrong. It just seemed like the last straw and I started crying, which is a total no-no at work!

KayC

[WendyJ]

Kay,

Are you kidding me? I would be looking for another job and outa that place so fast make your head spin !!! Nobody would ever treat me like that and get away with it ! Is this boss of your the owner? There is a law against the personal humiliation that he cause you that is harrasement ! I am very serious Kay you need to do something about this, I know it is easier said than done but that is out of control ! Ooooo that makes me furious !

Love,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

Kay could also read "The No Asshole Rule", the best-selling book. Or read the author's web log, below -- his entry today is "Latest Tips for Surviving Workplace Assholes":

http://bobsutton.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Despite the somewhat provocative title of his book, Bob is a legitimate academic with impeccable credentials and I think his advice is generally excellent.

--Bob

[Stallyn]

Erica,

I am sorry, its been #8 6 days ago, admittedly I am angry at God also, it is very hard to grasp the reality even now.

Kay, want me so send some boys over there and straighten em out?? (hint: Italian) thats unacceptable and unethical behavior

[kayc]

I know his behavior is unacceptable, and yes, he is the owner...and he has a psychology degree so you'd think he'd know better! I can't wait for the day when I can tell him I won't be coming in any more! It took me 5 1/2 months to land this job and it barely pays enough for me to live on, I need more than most people because my commute is so expensive, so I hang in there for now. John bought a semi truck and has been spending his evenings fixing it up, and can only go as fast as time and money allow, but he's getting there little by little and plans to start his own business and when he's able to, having me quit my job and help him with his business, doing basically the same thing I always have, only he'd like to have me on the road with him. Right now I'm waiting to see what happens.

Well it's past my bedtime, I'll catch you guys later!