Sometimes I Make Myself Remember The Bad . . .

[Katydid]

. . . .times, the angry words, the stuff that irritated me about him so I won't grieve him. Do any of you do that too?

I want to stop loving him so I will stop missing him. I feel like I am trapped in this grief for the rest of my life.

I hate the weekends, I hate the holidays (is everybody else REALLY that happy?), I hate that there is no end in sight for the loneliness.

Kay

[dpodesta]

I find it easy to focus on the bad every so often, I never thought about why but thinking about it I can see the point, it hurts less to be angry than it does to grieve and miss them

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Kay,

I understand what you are saying, but lets be realistic here, you can't hate him, you love him and if you convince yourself temporarily that you do hate him by reliving some of the things he did that irritated you it will be only a temporary help as your brain may be tricked for a short while but your heart will know better ! You are trying to think of ways to make the pain go away my friend and believe me it won't work as I have tried. Our spouses are gone, it stinks, we hurt more than life itself and unfortunately we must grieve. But luckily we will all do it together and be there to support eachother, like they say " Safety in numbers".

Love,

Wendy

[Mrcelloboy]

Hello Kay.

I do, on occasion, think about negative aspects of my relationship with Kathy.

I don't think it's to stop me from grieving, but it helps me realize she wasn't perfect, and it helps me allow the room to love someone else now that she's gone.

It's sometimes to easy to elevate our lost partners to unreal heights.

Like many of the feelings I experience in grief, I find it healthy to honor such feelings and let them pass.

Maury

[karenb]

Hi Kay,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time....I went through feelings like that and a lot of others, too. You know that each person handles things differently and in their own time just as you're doing. This is a very good place to express positive and negative feelings and actions and there always will be someone here to listen and, hopefully, offer some feedback, some of which you'll listen to and some you won't. Personally, I don't feel so happy, how could you when you lost someone you expected to spend the rest of your life with, but I am taking steps to deal with things in as positive a manner as I can - believe me, it does help. I hope your day improves and your load lessens for you. Keep us posted, we're always here.

Your friend, Karen

[DesertBob]

I guess that I did something of a post-mortem on our relationship after Linda died, both the good and the bad, because after a long illness I had the luxury of looking at it objectively without all the extenuating circumstances of illness mixed into it. It wasn't really to avoid grief, though, because honestly, to the extent there are unresolved issues, for me at least it just adds to the grief that you will never have the opportunity to work them out.

I think that we tend to put our late spouse on quite a pedestal and to an extent we should ... what is the point in memorializing people's peccadilloes and shortcomings and weaknesses? A person should be remembered for the good they accomplished, the love they gave. That's certainly how I'll want to be remembered. So I will not brood about Linda's human failings; there's no point. Certainly now, of all times, I can afford to be gracious to her.

--Bob

[Stallyn]

Kay,

sometimes a day goes by I think how maybe my marriage was not so great or things she did just to get some relief, the phases, hate, resentment remorse, doesn't render our love for them any less

[lyn]

Kay, sometimes i feel this way too, and i allow myself to feel the anger.

but i am more angry of the fact that he left me so sudden. there are still days that i wish i died with him so as not to feel this terrible pain.

we will get through this. these days i noticed that i am thinking more of the good memories we shared together..i am thankful to God for this..