Lonely Saturday Nite

[WendyJ]

Hey my friends tonight its my turn to feel down and lonely. It is Saturday nite 1am and as I have been sitting here watching television all evening and this feeling of lonliness and sorrow over losing my Steve has been creeping up on me. Why is it so easy to give advice when you are not the one hurting as much at that moment but when your time comes there seems like there is no solution to easing the pain? I sat there in his chair and looked around the living room and just felt this overwhelming lonliness and the needing of a good hug and to be told it is going to be okay. I miss him so much and I think what is my life like now? I go to work sit in my office alone do my job and cry on the way home because my mind is no longer distracted, I then go home to an empty house, eat dinner alone, crash in his chair, wake up sometime during the night and crawl into bed and then start my day over again. No conversations no having someone to watch tv with and have discussions with, nobody to clown around with, nobody to ask me how my day was and give me a big hug. Yes I have friends and family but it is not the same as you all know. I am at 8 months and still feel like I am not living but still just existing. I am tired, I am lonely , and I need a big hug. But more than anything I miss my Steve....I miss my Best Friend.....

Love,

Wendy

[lyn]

Hello Wendy,

Sending u a BIG, BIG hug right this moment . I hope u will feel better soon. Right now im just listening to some instrumental music feeling melancholic. I am amazed that i was able to listen to some songs now. For the past 4 months, i tried to avoid listening to music because it stirred very deep pain. I do feel sad, and you know what i did just a while ago, i wrote him a mail, knowing he will be able to read it from above.. . You will be fine Wendy, you are a strong woman, you have survived the past 8 months..just think that u will survive this another night again..Here's another BIG hug again...

[shell]

Wendy,

I find that I get very depressed and weepy at certain times of the day, mostly at night about 11 p.m. It happens just about every night and I'm not sure why, but eventually it passes, mostly because I get busy with other things! And weekends are definitely harder, I think. I know the same feeling of wondering where my life is going, what now? Then I remind myself to just take one day at a time and don't look forward too much. It works most of the time.

I'm also sending you a huge hug....hang in there.

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Shell

[karenb]

Wendy,

It's Sunday morning and I hope you slept away some of those sad feelings. I'm sorry I didn't get to you last night but I can't stay awake past "X" hour. When Sadie Mae goes to bed I usually follow shortly after. I hate it when those feelings start creeping up. I try and do something so it doesn't come on full force. Eight months isn't very long and what you're feeling sounds very normal but no fun. You know those ups and downs, but you also know that down the road, in your own time, those will lessen and your load will be lighter. All the comforting words are fine but when you're in the throws of feelings you'd rather not have at least you know we're here and at one time or another we've felt them, too. I hope your Sunday goes well for you. I'm off to church and then back home to do more transcribing. Unfortunately, this courtroom proceeding is about a 14-year-old girl who was molested for several years...sad case. Take care, my friend.

Karen

[WendyJ]

Thanks Karen, Shell and Lyn you are good friends and I really appreciate your support and the much needed hugs. I am alittle better, still kinda blah but not as bad as I was. I just hate the fact that weekends come and go and I get in such a funk that I do nothing but sleep, watch tv and eat. I never really get much of anything done and then it is time to start the week over again. Here it is 11:00 at night and I have to go to work in the morning and I haven't done my laundry yet or taken a shower. I don't seem to have the same motivation anymore and I wonder how worse I would be if I didn't have 6 little dogs who depended on me every day and a mortgage to pay. Thanks again !

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

OMG I notice your time in N.J. and it's 11....here it's 9 in the evening and, believe it or not, it appears to by my "X" hour. Your little babies are used to later hours than my Sadie Mae is. She went to bed half an hour ago....and here I go. I'll just watch TV until I feel like sleeping, or read this little book a friend gave me about angels. It really is so cozy with my Sadie Mae there, my book and....whatever. You have a peaceful night, Wendy, and a good day tomorrow.

Your friend, Karen

[shell]

Wendy,

I am not as concerned about things like I used to be. I keep the house clean, do the laundry, blah, blah, blah...but I'm not as "fussy" about it as I used to be. Losing people you love somehow makes other things seem irrelevant. So what you are experiencing is so normal. Eventually I'm sure something will come along that makes us care more, ya know? I'm so glad you have your babies. I have a lot of cats and they keep me going. They truly are my life. Hope you have a better day today.

Hugs,

Shell

[Corinne]

Hi Wendy,

I definitely know how you feel. I too cannot motivate myself to do everything that needs to be done. It was a rough week for me and I too have been feeling down and overwhelmed. I had the dog break his tooth, my daughter get glasses, I need to get to a GYN because I am having some issues and they can't see me until next Mon. because I am a new patient, I need to find a vehicle now because there is no heat,no defrosters the exhaust system is going and I still have not found a job. I just wish I had someone to help. I keep telling myself "one thing at a time", but sometimes I don't know what to do first I just feel like I'm in a fog and just keep turning around and can't find my way out. I don't know if it is the time of year, the change in weather, who knows. Last night the girls started to watch "The Santa Clause" and I just started to cry, my heart is breaking, they will not have their Dad this year for Christmas. Oh well, thanks for letting me vent. Now I will go take a shower and try to motivate myself.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[rosanne]

To all that have posted-

I am thinking of you. I also had a terrible week-end, you know I stay with my father (invalid) ever since' mom passed away- 5 months ago, I stay with him all week and then one of my brother's will take the week-end. When I am not with dad I cry almost all week-end- what is wrong with me?? I am no good to anyone anymore, I am a mess- I know I am and have no control. I know what you mean about not being motivated.... I work all day, and I could clean my dad's house from top to bottom, I don't because I don't feel like it- I feel zapped, I have body aches, are these excuses or is this the way I am going to be? I hate myself right now, I hate being sad, I hate what I have become.

You feel like the days are just passing by and one month turns into another.

Corrine, I see all of this advertisements for Christmas shows, and I want to scream.... I want the holidays to be over, I don't want to put up a tree, I don't want to decorate anything! We, had a good Christmas last year, (I thought) mom had a wonderful scan we had no idea 6 months later she would be gone! Thank you for letting me tell how I really feel, because I know you understand.

Hugs to all of you,

Rosanne

[suzanne]

Wendy

I know what you mean about the lonely weekends. I almost look forward to Monday mornings so I can hear another human voice. Sure is a complete reversal of before, look forward to weekends dread Monday, Hope today finds you better. I am having my house remodeled so I don't have any access to my computer at home. I think maybe because we are both at eight months and holidays approaching has a lot to do with our feelings. Just keep takiing one day at a time. We've made it this far.

Corinne

So sorry about all of your other problems on top of your grief. I am sure it is very difficult time for you right now.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Corinne, Rosanne and Suzanne,

I just don't understand why this 8th month is so bad ! Yes I know it is bad for us with the upcoming Holidays and all those commercials but there is just something about this month and I don't know what it is ! I know the seasons are changing but I have other people mention about the 8th month too. I am so backed up on my laundry and dog grooming and just basic organizing. I haven't even begun to think about all of Steve's things but I know now is not the time. Thanks so much for writing, it is just nice to know I am not alone in my feelings, I just feel all emotional lately and sorry for myself and like you said Gail all kinda achey and tired and just no motivation. One of my passions is watching NY Giants football and I even slept on and off during that yesterday, we lost anyway.

Love,

Wendy

[rosanne]

Please, don't tell me it can get worse, Wendy I don't think I can take anymore. I am on my 5th month and it is bad!

I am like you, I am finding myself feeling sorry for myself, too.

The holidays do not help, all of the commercials, like you said- they just depress me... I don't want to put up a tree- is this fair to my family?

My husband said, it would not hurt to skip a year, any thoughts?

Love,

Rosanne

[karenb]

Hi Rosanne,

You know I didn't put up a tree the first year. I just didn't have the heart. Last year I just put a little one on a table 'cause my son comes to visit at Christmas and I didn't want to disappoint me. It is a very hard time of year, I know.

This is a very depressing day, rain, wind, storms, and I'm transcribing (my home business). I do courtroom proceedings, and this horrible one is about a man who is a sex preditor of little girls. I'm sitting here listening and typing what this little girl is saying - how he did all this. It's so sick. I looked him up in my online court archives and thank God, he's in jail on a "three strikes, you're out" life sentence. Boy, we think we've got it bad and there is always someone out there who has it worse.

Oh, well, I'd better get back to work. You hang on and you'll be okay.

YOur friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Hey Rosanne,

I wouldn't say the 8th month is worse it's just that around where you are or maybe the 6th month for me it got alittle better, not to say I still didn't have my bad times and my bad days it's just seemed like I was coping alittle better and snapping myself out of it. Then the 8th month came and it seems like I have gone backwards in my grieving. I have found it is like you go forward alittle and then back and then forward alittle and back etc. Right now I think it is mostly because of the Holidays because they are for family, and our families have been torn apart. The worst will be of course X-Mas morning just my daughter and I sitting there without Steve after 34 years for me and 22 years for her. I just want the Holidays to go away ! I will put up the tree for my daughter but nothing else around the house or outside. I have Christmas dinner here with about 12 people coming and I usually go all out but I just don't care this year. I will not cook so I will have it catered, I don't care that it will cost me more, less work less stress ! If you don't have any young children and you are not up to it then by all means skip it. If not do it simple and call it a day. Either way I pray that we will all get through this, have a feeling this site will be very busy through the Holidays !

Love,

Wendy

[rosanne]

Dearest Karen,

You are so right when you say that it can always be worse.. I am sure you see so much of that in your job every day. It is really hard to believe that there are people walking that can do such cruel and evil things. So you work out of your home, I have always wanted to do that.

I do have 2 grandchildren- that will be at my house I guess Christmas eve.

I don't know, I really don't even want to think about it. I know I have got to buy some gifts for them I guess, I will do most of my shopping off the T.V. It is very hard for me to go to the mall. The last time I went, a couple of weeks ago there was a mother and daughter laughing and cutting up in the check out line, and I caught myself just starring at them and tears were streaming down my cheeks and I wanted to say so bad- you do not know how lucky you are please, embrace your times together!!! It was so hard to see that! I am crying now- better go

Hope you have a better day!

Love,

Rosanne

Dearest Wendy,

I know exactly what you mean about the one step forward two steps back, that is something I know oh, to well. 34 years of marriage is a long time, Wendy- you really do not see that a lot these days, you were blessed to have that, my mom and dad were married 50 yrs. they loved each other so very much- it is so sad to see him having to depend on someone for his needs. Mom took such good care of him. Wendy, we will just have to think about each other during these holidays, and no that we are not alone! Catering sounds like a much better plan, I do not blame you for that..

Hope you have a good day!

Love,

Rosanne

[suzanne]

Wendy

I don't know what it is about the eighth month but I have taken more steps backward than any month. I guess the holidays are a big factor. I'm back to my sleeplessness in a major way right now. I slept 2 1/2 hours last night so the fatigue is also contributing. My mother and I have found places to hide for Thanksgiving. Now if we could just find like places for Christmas, so much is closed on Christmas day but we have decided there must be a motel that would have a restaurant open. Neither of us are doing any Christmas decorations. My house won't work because of Will's absence and we don't want to be in her house because of my Dad passing in August. I'm glad you are doing catering. That's much easier. And we do all have each other here, like Karen said, there are others that have it much worse than we do. On my way into work this morning I passed a poor homeless soul, pushing a shopping cart with all of his worldly goods in it and had to take a moment to say a prayer for him and think that could be me. So, I'm just trying to look at all of the blessings I do have and not wallow so much in my self-pity as I have a tendency to do.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Rosanne,

I know some how we will get through all this, especially the Holidays. I am trying so hard not to think about it too too much but for me it is hard. I think someone here on this site said that sometimes the dwelling on it is worse than actually getting through it when the time comes. Maybe not those words but you get the idea. But that is just my personality, I worry before things happen and I really have to try to control that.

Love,

Wendy

Oh Suzanne I hear what you are saying, yes it could be worse as I thought I hit rock bottom when my Mom was in the hospital...all I could think was dear God I can't go through this again ! Thank goodness she is remission right now and doing well. But you know we never know what tomorrow may bring so I know we have to take each day as it comes but it is so hard to not worry about the future ! You and your Mom are lucky you can stick together and hide, I can not do that, but boy do I wish I could. Do you think on Christmas I could set everything up in my house and leave a note and take off before they get there and ask them to just please clean up? I didn't think so.....

Love,

Wendy