Finding Out That Siblings Have Not Come To Terms With Deaths

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I found something very interesting out recently, I thought my family had all come to terms with the deaths of my parents but after a talk with others in the family I found out that they have not.... How do you bring up the topic of dealing with their deaths if they all pretend to have dealt with it all ready... Shelley

[AnnC]

I don't know, what do you mean by coming to terms? Everyone has a different time table. I know my brother took my father's death very hard, while it wasn't quite so bad for me, because my husband's death was much harder. I don't think I would say anything to my brother, though, unless I just ask him if he wants to talk about it, but he usually doesn't. My sister and I talk about Dad sometimes, and how we are doing with feelings about his death. It's been almost one year. But the loss of a parent affects you for the rest of your life. I don't know what "coming to terms" with it would look like. And I think we all pretend, at least in public, that we are more pulled-together than we really are.

I think our society expects us to have this thing called "closure" and "acceptance", and that's unreasonable. Your life is completely changed after anyone close to you dies. It takes time to build a new life. And it takes different people different amounts of time. It could be that if your siblings are pretending they are "over it", it's because their family members or work colleagues are telling them to get over it.

Mostly, in dealing with my siblings and my mother concerning my father's death, I just ask how they're doing, and talk a little bit about how I am feeling. If they feel like sharing their feelings, they do, and if not, I don't push it.

Ann

[DesertBob]

Wisely said, Ann.

People need space to do things their own way, and they will ask for help if and when they want it. You can let them know you're available for them, but they "gotta wanna". And most people deal with painful things by ignoring them in some way. It's just the way it is. Until the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing, they won't change.

--Bob

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

What I mean to say is that my siblings have all told me to be done with the grief thing and to find out some of them are not done.... It makes me wonder why I have to be done with the grief thing and not them... Whenever I bring up mom or dad they all change the subject or say that shouldn't you be over it by now... Take care shelley

[LoriS.]

Shelly...I'm sorry if this is harsh...but how dare they say you should be "over it". I don't know if we ever get over it...we just learn to deal with it and move forward. It doesn't mean that we ever forget. I thnk about my mom all the time. It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and definately the last thing I think about before I go to bed. Yes my life still goes on and I know I've made amazing progress in this last year...but I'll never "be over it".

Sorry...take care...Lori

[shell]

Shelley,

Some people don't want to. or can't, talk about whoever died because they are trying, in their own way, to come to grips with it. It's almost like they are making some headway, and then someone brings it up and they feel the emotional grip again, and feel they are slipping backwards. It is hard for the other type of person, who wants to talk about it, to be around the other type, who doesn't want to talk about it. I think it's easy to be harsh about those types, but I realized that that was their way of coping. Like a wall they have built around themselves to protect them from the grief and their afraid talking about it will crumble that wall. I guess we all talk about how everyone grieves in their own way, but unless they grieve like we do, we think they aren't grieving. Does that make any sense?

Hugs,

Shell

[shubom]

I know what you mean. The same thing with my sibling. When my mother passed, she had her boyfriend there to help her out. Me, I had no one. So she always seemed in control of her feelings and stuff. While I was throwing tantrums in my mom's bedroom in the middle of the night, she and her boyfriend had to come in and help me. I was a basketcase. But she didn't cry or anything. So I always thought she was stronger than me. I felt like I was the one going crazy ! Well, it's been about 2 years now. We hardly talk about my mom's death, so I assume we are both ok. Well, about a week ago, our next door neighbor who had cancer for about a year, passed away. She was my mom's good friend. She was married with 3 kids, 18 and under. My sibling felt so bad, she cried and cried. When I came home, I noticed her eyes were red. I asked if she was ok. Then she started crying about my mom. I was sort of shocked because she hadn't really done that before. It made me scared about what else does she keep in. You know? When my dad passed away 10 yrs ago, I sought counseling, which helped me. So I knew what to do about my mother. I realize now that people grieve differently, and not only that, maybe it's better than we are all not breaking down at the same time. Maybe she had to keep strong for me, and maybe now it's my turn. That's my speculation. I probably wouldn't ask her though, because she probably did grieve, just different from me. I really miss my mom.

[LoriS.]

I agree. Everyone does grieve differently and we cannot judge each other as everyone has their own unique of grieving. But no one can or should tell another person to "just get over it by now". That is wrong. Last night, before I went to bed, I somehow felt my mom was with me and as I hugged the covers to my side, it actually "felt" like her tiny body next to mine. I began to cry for a few minutes, trying not to wake my husband. I prayed that I would be able to fall asleep soon, so I wouldn't feel so sad and I asked my mom to help me fall asleep. The next thing I knew, my alarm woke me up in the morning!

My point is that thoughts come and go and situations come and go and we're still without our loved ones. The best thing to do is to move through it and feel the feelings at the time. I have definately become more spiritual in these last few months and that has helped a lot, too.

Take care...Lori

[AnnC]

That actually does not surprise me, that the siblings who were saying you should get over it are now showing that they have not dealt with it. The fact that they were telling you you "should be over it" is actually a symptom of their own pushing away of emotion -- they were not facing their own emotions yet, so they were uncomfortable with your emotion. Probably afraid they, too, would break down.

Lots of people are in shock at first, and that can last for months, up to a year or even more. Then everyone thinks they are "strong". The sad part is by the time they do start to feel the grief, everyone around them thinks they are fine, and there is little or no support.

I found out that even each death is different. When my ex-husband died, I immediately fell apart, and cried every day for three years. When my dad died, I did not feel much at all, which made me feel guilty. But now, almost a year later, I have been crying about my dad more than I ever did in the past year. It's just different, because my relationship with each of them was different. Also, because I felt I had unfinished business with my ex, but not with my dad. And the fact that my ex died at only 50, while my father lived to almost 80 probably had an effect also. You just never know how you will respond.

Ann

[shell]

Ann,

So true about each death being different. And I also think age plays a part. We respond differently depending on how old we are, what's going on in our lives at the time, if you're married with your own family, etc... I'm not saying that any of those things makes the grief more or less, just that it influences it. Grief is just a very complicated process, huh?

Hugs,

Shell

Shelley,

Ann said it much better than I did. That they don't want to breakdown or face their emotions, so when you get emotional, it makes them uncomfortable. They shouldn't tell you to get over it, but they are probably struggling too, only aren't showing it. And some people have really delayed reactions. Or for that matter, they might just think they are "helping" you by trying to "shake you out of it". Maybe you should have a heart to heart talk with your sister along these lines. You might be able to make your feelings known to her and maybe she'll understand better. I know my brother and I have talked this out because he isn't grieving as deeply as I am. But talking about it made us both respect the others feelings.

Hugs,

Shell

[TeresaBennett]

I didnt cry til the last week my dad was alive ,everyone my aunts mon my brother my husband it was like Teresa you can break down it dosent make you weak.I just fell apart in the end the wake i didnt cry .I couldnt understand my step mom grabbing at him asking him why he left her I thought its not his fault how selfish of you.At the funeral my dad planned the arrangements even his flowers and the music he loved Lorrie Morgan what about no dont you understand I was like oh my gosh then Elvis "I did it my way" I cried like a baby .It sounded just like my dads life regrets he had a few but 2 few to mention .He was a great man he raised his kids yes divorced mom but always responsible financially he never could understand men not taking care of there kids like these days.

People at work watch me and if im quiet they will say you ok wanna talk .I finally told my boss yesturday I have good days some bad I cant control that he said Teresa I have both my parents I honestly cant imagine losing my dad I said me either hes everywhere now so I cant do anything he sees all lol.Im good today I feel my dad love all around me.

Teresa Bennett

[STARKISS]

Thanks Everyone who wrote a reply,

I just keep my feelings to myself mostly because I loved my parents and were with them along time so if I have strong emotions it is just because I had so much time with them and loved them so dearly... I figure it is not all bad because people say it is better to be loved than not at all... I will talk openly when asked about them but it is now okay to me that I feel the way I do... Take care Shelley